Holding Back My Enemies

I've had a bit of a rough week.  Just feeling apathetic, tired, cranky, low.  

I know there are many reasons for it.

My week started out fairly well.  I got to the gym, started with some new exercises and felt fabulous.  Until the lady in the child care room came to get me (again) to tell me that Grady was hitting kids.  

Great.  Three times, in three weeks.  What's his deal?!  He says he likes it there.

So, the child care there has a three strikes rule.  Grady had three strikes, so he's out until the 30th.  This is not good.  I don't have anyone to watch him for that time.  Well, I DO, but I don't want to be a burden.  It seems cruel to be asking someone to watch him so that I can work out.  It's not like I'm going to the doctor's office or something.  And he's not exactly the easiest kid to deal with.  Mind you, with babysitters, he's always amazing.

Add to this that he has a cold, and I probably wasn't going to be going to the gym on Tuesday anyway.  Turned out I was right.  Olivia started getting it.  I even had someone willing to watch them Wednesday, but she was complaining about a sore ear, and I wanted to make sure I was home with her in case we needed to hit up the pediatrician or GP.  

The weather is great, but I can't do anything with sick kids.  I had to get out twice to go pick up kids from school Tuesday and Wednesday, so at least I wasn't stuck in the house the WHOLE time.  Small blessings and all that.

And of course, it's January.  It's just that time of the year.  Any Canadians understand what I'm saying, where the weather is not great, we've been in our houses for the most part.  Its the easiest time of the year to get depressed and become a hermit.  I'm awful for that!  I have been known to cut myself off for a few weeks at a time.  

Because of my apathy, my house took a turn.  Not a "Hoarders" type turn.  Mostly a "it needs a sweep and wipe down" kind of turn.  The floor is dirty (not like black dirty...food dirty) the dishes have needed a little more attention and of course, laundry, the bane of my existence, has piled up.  None of which are awful.  They just need a bit more attention.  

But I'm just too tired to want to do much.  I'll do it...clean up the main floor, do dishes, sweep, maybe vacuum a bit, but overall, I'd rather just be in bed sleeping.  

So I fight them.  I fight these enemies of mine.  

My consistency has waned.  I should be following through more, but I'm just not there.  My heart isn't in it.  So then my brain starts going.  Telling me that I'm just going to fall back into those bad habits again.  That I'm failing.  That I'm not working hard enough.  Yadda yadda yadda.  

My patience is thin.  Grady's been exceptionally whiny recently.  I think he's bored.  So I took him to the gym.  Where he acted like a jerk and got himself suspended.  Are there scrapbooking supplies for "Baby's First Suspension"?  Or "Mommy's Little Criminal"?  He needs the socialization, he needs the time out, but he makes it so difficult to do, so it becomes easier to stay home.  Then I get impatient because I NEED to be out once in a while.  I'm dying for spring, if only so that I can go to the park more.  I miss going to the park more than anything right now.  I can take a book and Grady can play.  Often, I meet friends there, have great conversations and Grady gets to play with his friends and have fun.  When all the other kids come home, I work really hard to keep my impatience under wraps.  Most of the time, it's all good, but on days like today, it's far easier said than done.

I can't let the apathy get me.  Then I not only let the house go, but myself go.  Over the holidays, and really, into November, I had difficulties getting to the gym.  Some of the difficulties were easily dealt with, like getting to the gym, but others, like breaking my toe, made going impossible.  I went a couple times while Jeff was home, but overall, I just made excuses.  I was working hard on the house and my being mindful of how I was thinking, so it sort of was just another thing to worry about, so I let it go.  It turned out that wasn't the worst thing I could have done.  Over the holidays, I only gained back about 5 of the 30 pounds I'd lost since April.  It meant that I had managed to make eating such a good and easy habit, I was doing it mindlessly and it helped!  I was actually pretty proud of myself and that made going back to the gym just that much easier.  Since I started going back, being careful of what I eat (within reason...I've had a couple bad meals, but they were SO worth it) I've lost that 5 pounds again already.  They weren't hard changes, because I'd already started them before that.  

But what happens is, I feel good about myself, then I get apathetic and just get hard on me again.  Right now, my self esteem is on a bad track.  Not entirely sure why.  I've been told many times how good I look since the fall, how happy I look, I was even told that I was gorgeous at my sister's wedding.  So the question is, "Why don't I see it?"  When I look in the mirror, I see dry hair, a big nose, squinty eyes...I don't see the "gorgeous".  Maybe it's because when I'm FEELING good, it's SHOWS on my face.  I'm not expecting to be Ms. America, but I mean, what am I missing?  

Now, I'm trying to mesh both the physical and mental aspects of my well being, not just focus on one or the other.  That's a lot more work than I thought it was.  If I don't focus on the mental parts of it, really being mindful of how I'm thinking and feeling, then I lose the good stuff and wind up having to go back and practice more again.  If I don't focus more on the physical part of myself, then I eat awful, don't take the time to monitor my activity level and start to get hard on myself.

There is really only one answer I can think of.  

I was only diagnosed in April.  April of 2013.  Right now, it's January of 2014.  I'm not even a full year into all of this and I'm expecting what?  Haven't I made sufficient changes that I should feel amazing about all of this?  What was I thinking?  That when I got to a certain point, it was going to get perfect?  Easier?  Did I think that once I got to this point that it would all fall into place and I'd never have another bad day/week?  That there were times that I WOULD miss a few days of cleaning?  Have I NOT had enough epiphanies for a lifetime already?  Are there more to come?  (I'm sure there are...just in time)  Did I expect what?  

This was what I realized today.  That I'm having a rough week.  Everyone has a rough week.  People can have a rough month, or a rough year.  As long as I'm mindful that this is a bad week and this too shall pass, and it will get better, it doesn't seem so bad.  Right now though, it seems like I'm on a downward spiral.  At least that spiral is slowing down.  At least I realize what is going on before someone has to point it out to me.  At least I have this outlet, to share how I'm feeling, put it into perspective, help me understand what's happening and why.  

It's okay.  I know it's okay, but today, I'm not feeling okay.  Tomorrow, I'll probably feel fine.  I have someone willing to watch Grady for a couple hours and I'll go work as much of these frustrations out as possible in the gym.  And knowing that he's at home, safe and sound with a friend, makes going that much easier, instead of dreading when they will come out and tell me that I need to cut my workout short.  This doesn't mean I'm giving up on Grady in child care.  He needs this.  I need this.  We will work it out, he IS only three.  We will get him some batteries for his LeapPad and Leapster, pack them up and take those to childcare with us one day.  Perhaps we can bring his sister's DS with us.  Anything to keep him calm for a while.  That was part of why he was kicked out.  One little guy shared his DS with Grady and when the little guy wanted it back, Grady smacked him.  Not good...

So...while my week started off rough, it looks like it's going to end good.  I have plans for Saturday, either biathalon for Logan or we're going sledding at our park.  Sunday, who knows?  Probably cleaning.  But either way, I know that the sun will be shining and I can get the kids out of the house for a while, and I can follow.  We will start fresh next week and get things going again.  

As I said before, this too shall pass.  

Routine, More Important Than I Thought

When I had kids, one thing I learned quickly was how much routine was of the utmost importance in their lives.  It gives them security knowing what's coming next.  They don't necessarily like living in limbo.  When I had Logan, I used to keep a good solid evening routine, but kept our daytime routine flexible.  It stayed pretty much the same when I had Olivia.  But when I had Grady, Logan was in school.  Things had to change.

It used to be when someone asked me what my routine was, I always told them that I hated routine.  It was always awful to follow one, as far as I was concerned.  When I was in counselling, my counselor said it was odd that I liked spontaneity. Usually people with anxiety disorders love routine and knowing what's next.  In truth, I probably do like spontaneity, however, I NEED routine for my ADHD and anxiety.

I'm NOT a morning person.  Never have been, probably never will.  However, because I have three wonderful kids, I have to have a morning routine, meaning, I have to drag my lazy ass out of bed around 7:30 am (that's the ABSOLUTE latest...I know this for a fact), make sure they dress, eat, I make their lunches (usually being shouted at by the three year old...always a joy), make sure they pack their bags, put on socks (I figure that by now I shouldn't have to check this, but I'm wrong) and then get them appropriately dressed for whatever crazy, bipolar Mother Nature is throwing at us this winter.  In the meantime, I've made my own coffee (thank you Tassimo) and threw something together for breakfast, usually cereal and coffee or a fig bar, apple and coffee, take my meds and then hope for some modicum of sanity.   

After that, I like to do one of two things.

My favorite thing to do is go back to bed.  Yep.  I'm THAT lazy.  I hate mornings THAT much.  God...I mean it.  I REALLY hate mornings.  However, given that I usually have had two cups of coffee and my ADHD medication, sleep is rarely an option.  As long as there are no kids home from school, then I do my next favorite thing.

I go to the gym.  I like the gym.  I can put Grady into daycare, hop on the treadmill and go for an hour or so, then hit some weights, make myself hurt, then go home.  Unless of course, there is something else to do, which sometimes, there is.  

Sometimes, like on grocery day, I don't do the nap or gym.  I get to go get my groceries and stock up my house.  Shopping takes me most of the day.  From about 9:00am until 2:30, I'm out of the house.  I actually really enjoy shopping for groceries.  Part of it is being out of the house, part of it is because I like to spend money and shop.  I am good (now...not so much before) at making sure that I only spend money on what we will eat and need (not always need...I really like to get treats too...) and occasionally will splurge a bit on myself and get some new pj's or something from The Body Shop.  Unfortunately, given how much my children eat (God...I dread the teenaged years.  Good thing I'm going to school to go back to work.  Jeff can't afford to do this on his own forever.) and how much the price of groceries has risen, those little splurges don't happen as much anymore.  Not a huge deal.  Just the price of having healthy, growing, hungry kids.  

So...back to my routine.  

Now, if I have gone to the gym, there's nothing else to do afterwards, I head home, bathe or shower while Grady plays in his room.  As long as he has my cell phone, he's happy there.  He plays with his toys, laughs and generally has a good time.  He never naps.  Not even when I nap.  He just plays or watches Treehouse on my cell phone.  Either way, I get the time I need to either rest or clean up.

Chances are, it's around lunchtime now.  I make lunch for Grady (or if we've a bit of money, I sometimes will pick up Subway or McDonalds <even after the gym...how horrible?> and come home to eat).  I eat, he plays.  I watch the news, then maybe my friend shows up from her work to visit for a half an hour on her lunch break.  I watch my soap opera, sometimes, or I start cleaning up.  

Around 3:30, all the kids come home.  I take care of my aforementioned friend's kids for about an hour each evening, plus two hours on Thursdays.  It gets a bit hectic with the homework and all the extra bodies, but we make it work.  Starting Tuesday, I'm going to have to start going to the school <<shudder...Grady makes it tough>> and bring home two other little kids I'm caring for each evening for about an hour as well.  It will be loads of fun!  I really enjoy having the kids here.  Sometimes, I prep dinner while the kids are here, tidy up more, do some other housework, help with homework, whichever works.  Sometimes, I do it all at once.  

Best part about being ADHD?  I can multitask (I know...oxymoron, but to some degree, not entirely wrong) like nobody's business when I'm in the zone.

The kids are all gone by 5 or so, then we eat our dinner and it's basically free time.  Some evenings, the kids bathe, some evenings, I just can't face another chore.  I just let that one fly by the seat of our pants.  Jeff is a lot more stringent on the bathing for the kids, but he understands that sometimes, I just don't have it in me at the end of the day.  

Around 6:30 or 7pm, Grady goes to bed.  He's easy to put to bed.  Thankfully.  Few evenings are difficult, but those are the nights where he's so exhausted, he just doesn't know which way is up.  8pm, the older two go to bed.  They stay in their beds and play for a while.  Olivia is the worst for that right now.  We are giving Logan melatonin and that's helped his sleep cycle so much.

The rest of the night is mine to do whatever I wish to do.  One night, I might work my butt off on the main floor, wiping away the remnants of the day.  The typical child detritus that just sort of winds up down here.  So, sweeping, mopping, tidying up, finishing up the kitchen, that kind of stuff.  I will work my butt off on laundry some nights too, and that can keep me up late.  Other evenings, I might just sit down on the couch, mess around on the computer or my cell phone while watching tv.  Others, I will go to bed right after the kids.  Those evenings happen fairly frequently in the winter.  I rather love to read, so that's my reading time.  Not much time in the day (except maybe the mornings where I don't hit the gym) to sit and read for a while.

The weekends are a bit more loose.  The older two get up, go watch cartoons.  Sometimes they destroy my living room/dining area with arts and crafts, then they have to clean that up.  Most mornings though, they get their cereal and watch tv.  Logan is a bit more unpredictable, but most days, he's fine.  He's definitely better on the impulse control issue now.  We've really had to drill that into him.  

On Saturdays, from September until (I think) March, Logan has biathalon.  I need to be there for noon, so I start getting ready at 1030 or 1100, getting them dressed, in their winter gear and off to the car.  If we have money, Grady, Olivia and I will leave him there and go to Walmart to do some shopping or go for a coffee.  If not, like today, we play outside.  I got some fantastic shots of the kids and the area today.  It was beautiful outside.  Thankfully, Grady is finally old enough to appreciate it.  The past three years have been tough in winter with him being too young to really have fun.  

Sundays, right now, there's nothing going on.  This doesn't mean that won't change.  We're talking swimming lessons for them soon.  Now that Grady is 3, I don't have to get in the water anymore.  He will be his instructor's problem.  (LOL)  Chances are, he'll love it better by himself because I won't be there to cling to.  Typical kid.

Here's the problem.  Holidays.

School holidays in particular throw me into massive disarray when it comes to my routine.  As I mentioned before, I HATE getting up in the morning.  I will tell you that the days when Jeff is home, the kids are home and it's a holiday, if Jeff makes me get out of bed before, oh, say, 10:00 (that's a modest time...sometimes, it's noon) I resent him for it.  I obviously get over it, but I do resent him...just a little bit.  Then I talk myself out of the resentment because let's face it, the guy just worked two weeks straight, gets up at like 5am, works for up to 16 hours each day...He deserves more sleep.  I know that.  Doesn't stop the resentment though.  

Then there's the medication side of that.  I forget.  A lot.  Like...sometimes daily for like a week.  Then I'm not so pleasant.  I get a bit grouchy on withdrawl.  I rather like myself better on my medication and I'm sure my family feels the same way.  To say it hasn't helped me would be a lie.  It hasn't changed my overall personality.  I'm a really nice person to anyone outside of my house, even in withdrawl, but at home...well, I'm more comfortable expressing my frustration.  Then I feel bad...it's not a good time.  

This last Christmas holiday was particularly difficult.  The weather has been just horrible here for the past month or two.  Add to it the broken toe in November and my inability to get to the gym (my runners were too tight for a month after the toe was broken...) I was not a happy camper.  We couldn't get the kids out much, the weather was just too inclement.  One day, it would be nice out, the next, freezing rain.  Two days later, the temperature would drop below -25 C and we would be stuck home.  The roads were terrible.  The rain and then freeze just made it too dangerous to even go a few blocks.  We were housebound most of the Christmas holiday.  

Of course, the kids COULD have gone to friend's houses, or vice versa, and a few did come here and Logan did go to a few friend's homes, but there were many of them on holidays.  So...we just hung out.  It was nice in some ways, and in others, we were just stepping all over each other.  I think then, Jeff and I really realized how much we need a bigger home for us, as people.  The kids are just getting too big.  

By the end of the holidays, I was champing at the bit to get them to school, they were ready too.  I had a cold, was having a heck of a time with my meds (I'd run out of the ADHD medication and couldn't refill it until the day the kids went back to school...awful) and I was just miserable.  

Now.  Today.  We're back to normal.  Our routine is back and things are better.  I've been to the gym once this week (I had a cold Monday to Wednesday, then Olivia was sick yesterday) and during that session, Grady had me pulled from the gym floor because he was being such a jerk to the caretakers.  They didn't ask me to, but I pulled him from daycare that day and came home.  Jeff and I think it's because it's been so long, close to six weeks or more since he was there.  So we need to acclimate him to the rules again.  Add to this we're potty training, he's in the middle of some crazy developmental stage, and he's trying my patience to the highest degree possible.  But we're managing.  

The question for me is "How do I maintain this routine in the spring and summer?"  

I like my sleep.  I hate missing out on that morning sleep if it's available to me, but it causes me more issues than anything else.  I'm working on getting rid of napping, but I just love to nap so much!  However, being an adult means I'm going to have to suck it up.  Perhaps, I can just shave it down from 10 or noon on holidays to say, 8:30 or 9am instead?  That's about when Grady wants to get up anyway.  So it seems like a good time to make for myself.  

I guess I'm going to have to set an alarm.  I hate alarms too.  I hit the snooze button more than anything else.  

It's probably my favorite button of all the buttons in the world I push.