I've had a bit of a rough week. Just feeling apathetic, tired, cranky, low.
I know there are many reasons for it.
My week started out fairly well. I got to the gym, started with some new exercises and felt fabulous. Until the lady in the child care room came to get me (again) to tell me that Grady was hitting kids.
Great. Three times, in three weeks. What's his deal?! He says he likes it there.
So, the child care there has a three strikes rule. Grady had three strikes, so he's out until the 30th. This is not good. I don't have anyone to watch him for that time. Well, I DO, but I don't want to be a burden. It seems cruel to be asking someone to watch him so that I can work out. It's not like I'm going to the doctor's office or something. And he's not exactly the easiest kid to deal with. Mind you, with babysitters, he's always amazing.
Add to this that he has a cold, and I probably wasn't going to be going to the gym on Tuesday anyway. Turned out I was right. Olivia started getting it. I even had someone willing to watch them Wednesday, but she was complaining about a sore ear, and I wanted to make sure I was home with her in case we needed to hit up the pediatrician or GP.
The weather is great, but I can't do anything with sick kids. I had to get out twice to go pick up kids from school Tuesday and Wednesday, so at least I wasn't stuck in the house the WHOLE time. Small blessings and all that.
And of course, it's January. It's just that time of the year. Any Canadians understand what I'm saying, where the weather is not great, we've been in our houses for the most part. Its the easiest time of the year to get depressed and become a hermit. I'm awful for that! I have been known to cut myself off for a few weeks at a time.
Because of my apathy, my house took a turn. Not a "Hoarders" type turn. Mostly a "it needs a sweep and wipe down" kind of turn. The floor is dirty (not like black dirty...food dirty) the dishes have needed a little more attention and of course, laundry, the bane of my existence, has piled up. None of which are awful. They just need a bit more attention.
But I'm just too tired to want to do much. I'll do it...clean up the main floor, do dishes, sweep, maybe vacuum a bit, but overall, I'd rather just be in bed sleeping.
So I fight them. I fight these enemies of mine.
My consistency has waned. I should be following through more, but I'm just not there. My heart isn't in it. So then my brain starts going. Telling me that I'm just going to fall back into those bad habits again. That I'm failing. That I'm not working hard enough. Yadda yadda yadda.
My patience is thin. Grady's been exceptionally whiny recently. I think he's bored. So I took him to the gym. Where he acted like a jerk and got himself suspended. Are there scrapbooking supplies for "Baby's First Suspension"? Or "Mommy's Little Criminal"? He needs the socialization, he needs the time out, but he makes it so difficult to do, so it becomes easier to stay home. Then I get impatient because I NEED to be out once in a while. I'm dying for spring, if only so that I can go to the park more. I miss going to the park more than anything right now. I can take a book and Grady can play. Often, I meet friends there, have great conversations and Grady gets to play with his friends and have fun. When all the other kids come home, I work really hard to keep my impatience under wraps. Most of the time, it's all good, but on days like today, it's far easier said than done.
I can't let the apathy get me. Then I not only let the house go, but myself go. Over the holidays, and really, into November, I had difficulties getting to the gym. Some of the difficulties were easily dealt with, like getting to the gym, but others, like breaking my toe, made going impossible. I went a couple times while Jeff was home, but overall, I just made excuses. I was working hard on the house and my being mindful of how I was thinking, so it sort of was just another thing to worry about, so I let it go. It turned out that wasn't the worst thing I could have done. Over the holidays, I only gained back about 5 of the 30 pounds I'd lost since April. It meant that I had managed to make eating such a good and easy habit, I was doing it mindlessly and it helped! I was actually pretty proud of myself and that made going back to the gym just that much easier. Since I started going back, being careful of what I eat (within reason...I've had a couple bad meals, but they were SO worth it) I've lost that 5 pounds again already. They weren't hard changes, because I'd already started them before that.
But what happens is, I feel good about myself, then I get apathetic and just get hard on me again. Right now, my self esteem is on a bad track. Not entirely sure why. I've been told many times how good I look since the fall, how happy I look, I was even told that I was gorgeous at my sister's wedding. So the question is, "Why don't I see it?" When I look in the mirror, I see dry hair, a big nose, squinty eyes...I don't see the "gorgeous". Maybe it's because when I'm FEELING good, it's SHOWS on my face. I'm not expecting to be Ms. America, but I mean, what am I missing?
Now, I'm trying to mesh both the physical and mental aspects of my well being, not just focus on one or the other. That's a lot more work than I thought it was. If I don't focus on the mental parts of it, really being mindful of how I'm thinking and feeling, then I lose the good stuff and wind up having to go back and practice more again. If I don't focus more on the physical part of myself, then I eat awful, don't take the time to monitor my activity level and start to get hard on myself.
There is really only one answer I can think of.
I was only diagnosed in April. April of 2013. Right now, it's January of 2014. I'm not even a full year into all of this and I'm expecting what? Haven't I made sufficient changes that I should feel amazing about all of this? What was I thinking? That when I got to a certain point, it was going to get perfect? Easier? Did I think that once I got to this point that it would all fall into place and I'd never have another bad day/week? That there were times that I WOULD miss a few days of cleaning? Have I NOT had enough epiphanies for a lifetime already? Are there more to come? (I'm sure there are...just in time) Did I expect what?
This was what I realized today. That I'm having a rough week. Everyone has a rough week. People can have a rough month, or a rough year. As long as I'm mindful that this is a bad week and this too shall pass, and it will get better, it doesn't seem so bad. Right now though, it seems like I'm on a downward spiral. At least that spiral is slowing down. At least I realize what is going on before someone has to point it out to me. At least I have this outlet, to share how I'm feeling, put it into perspective, help me understand what's happening and why.
It's okay. I know it's okay, but today, I'm not feeling okay. Tomorrow, I'll probably feel fine. I have someone willing to watch Grady for a couple hours and I'll go work as much of these frustrations out as possible in the gym. And knowing that he's at home, safe and sound with a friend, makes going that much easier, instead of dreading when they will come out and tell me that I need to cut my workout short. This doesn't mean I'm giving up on Grady in child care. He needs this. I need this. We will work it out, he IS only three. We will get him some batteries for his LeapPad and Leapster, pack them up and take those to childcare with us one day. Perhaps we can bring his sister's DS with us. Anything to keep him calm for a while. That was part of why he was kicked out. One little guy shared his DS with Grady and when the little guy wanted it back, Grady smacked him. Not good...
So...while my week started off rough, it looks like it's going to end good. I have plans for Saturday, either biathalon for Logan or we're going sledding at our park. Sunday, who knows? Probably cleaning. But either way, I know that the sun will be shining and I can get the kids out of the house for a while, and I can follow. We will start fresh next week and get things going again.
As I said before, this too shall pass.
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