So, I've had a major summer. I've had major changes, both health wise, mentally, so much has changed. And for the best. There has been so much change that one would think that a woman with anxiety issues wouldn't be able to cope with it. Or that it would be so overwhelming, I'd just probably fall apart.
The next few weeks are bringing so other big changes. I'm going to make this fall the most positive I can for my children and for myself. I'm going to commit myself to making sure that things that need to be done for the kids in school is done, properly and on time. I'm going to maintain as good a routine as possible. Of course, with three kids, it's not easy to always maintain them, things come up, but how I handle those changes will be a real test of how effective the changes have been.
I want to do some things for myself as well. I'm going to take my ADHD support group AND start a distance education math course. I also want to get more involved with our parent council this year. I want to play an effective, honest and capable role in our council.
Why would I start all of this at the same time? While trying to adjust to a new year with my kids, and changing things so they can feel confident and capable as well.
I'm doing it this way because of the ADHD group. I'm going to do it all at once so that I can go to my group and say "okay. Here's where I'm at. I need solutions for the real world". This gives me the capacity to take my real world issues, just a short time from when they arose, place those issues on the table and take the advice of my fellow therapy goers and the doctors who run the groups.
It's sort of "out of the frying pan and into the flame".
I think it will be empowering. I think it will show me what I'm capable of. I know I have a great brain. I know my people and communication skills are awesome. I'm articulate, honest, open minded and supportive. I just want to see people support one another and help each other succeed. I want to see less back biting and more forth right, critical and supportive communication amongst us who are the example for our children. These are skills that will serve them well in the future.
For the meantime, I'm going to just breathe, know that I have a lot of support. I have lots of people who will help out and back me, telling me that I can do it and I can pass that same respect onto them.
So...Short but sweet. Honest and open, as always.
Now I get ready to go to my last session for my weight therapy group. I'm going to miss this one. But I'm SO excited to see what I learn about regarding ADHD and how to organize my life!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
New School Year, New Worries
I know that my title isn't exactly the most positive.
But, it's honest. And I think my concerns are totally valid. I also imagine that until I feel more comfortable with Logan's ADD as well as my own ADHD, then I know that the worries will abate.
Or they won't. I mean, I AM a mom. My kids are the most important people in the world to me, besides Jeff'.
Thankfully, having ADD and ADHD isn't something to be ashamed of anymore. There is lots of science behind it, lots of ways to work with it with diet and exercise, and lots of medications that can work if used properly. Supplements, strategies and understanding. Those are important parts of dealing with disorders that are in our brains.
I have spoken many times about how consistency has always been difficult for me to manage. There was always a strong pattern in how I approached school and it was never a productive way of managing it. I would get into the new school year, ready for change, ready to make a good year. Thinking about how awesome it would be to be on the honor roll. I always had great intentions in doing homework and projects. I would start off the start of the year, strongly. Many times, pulling in grades in the 70's and 80's. I would be so proud of myself, ready to move forward and then I'd just let it all go. It would all just stop. The teachers would be frustrated, I'd be frustrated, my dad would be frustrated. There was no lack of intelligence. I got sick of hearing how smart I was, how capable I was, why couldn't I just do better? It would hit my self esteem pretty hard, and it would just spiral down from there.
As I started having kids, some of those same patterns would emerge. I would get all hopped up in getting the house cleaned, keeping on a routine, everything like that. And just like in school, things would take a dive. Consistency would disappear and then I'd get upset with myself.
Last September, when Logan went back to school, I had all sorts of lofty plans. Lots of ways to make routine solid. Having homework routine, playtime, dinnertime, bedtime. And of course, it started off strong. By November, it was falling apart. So then the spiral started again. There were other issues as well, but overall, the ADHD made it super tough for me to maintain those changes. I'd get forgetful, wouldn't follow through. It wasn't good for the kids, at all, and it was really bad for me too. So self esteem took a dive, food became a haven, and I just got worse and worse. Spring is always a tough time for me because of being in the house so much, and this spring was worst than most. It was so long. So frustrating when we would think winter was done and we'd get another blast. Longest spring ever.
April came around and the diagnosis helped change my life. Learning that not everything I was doing was necessarily my fault, that there were reasons for my behaviour and there were solutions to help me manage the behaviours that came about from the ADHD. It helped me stop floundering and take more control of my life. I've taken two wonderful therapy groups, both helping me with life in so many ways. It's made me so excited to share with friends who are in the same space as I am. Not necessarily in the ADHD, but in the way we handle our anxieties, how food plays a part in our lives, and how it affects my brain. Next month, I start taking a therapy group on ADHD and solutions to manage it. If these last two therapy groups are any indication, the ADHD group will be spectacular.
With regards to Logan and school, I was reading his report card again just before I went out to get their school supplies. I was shocked to see how many times the ends of each paragraph ended with how Logan needed to focus and pay attention. In his math, his grade 3 teacher feels that he will need some review for math.
Last year, I failed him. I just didn't have the capabilities to manage the school year and all the things that came with it. I knew what I needed to do, but lacked the focus to maintain and follow through. This year, we start with communicating with his new teacher, keeping him in the loop. Asking him what his strategies for dealing with Logan will be. Asking him if we can do a bit (not a lot...he will have enough homework anyway) more review of math from grade 3. What he feels will be beneficial to Logan and how he wants to work with me. I want to talk to our principal and see how he feels with regards to the ADD and how he will handle Logan if for some reason he needs a time out and winds up in the office, like he did once in a while last year. I think, well...no, I KNOW that communication between myself and the school will be the biggest thing. Add to it the routine and my following through, we will manage a good school year.
I've had to explain to Logan that I understand how he feels. I was talking to him yesterday night, telling him how I know how it feels to have that block. How bad it can feel to be getting in trouble because you really do forget and sometimes it's hard to explain to people what's going on. He cried. I don't want his school experience to be like mine. That's a lot of weight to take on, but he's my sweet, smart, compassionate, talented, wonderful 9 year old boy, who deserves everything I can put into him. And if we encounter issues with my two smaller kids, they too will get all I can give them in order to make their childhoods and school experiences as positive and memorable as possible. It's my job. It's also my job to help people, like teachers, family, how to understand Logan's difficulties and teach them a bit of patience.
I know that we will have all the support we can get for him. I also know that if it's possible, I will avoid medication for Logan. There are some side effects of the medications that I'm not completely comfortable with at this stage in his life. None of it really bugs me overly, considering how much monitoring I know he will receive from our doctors. Again, that's because he has me and his dad to advocate for him. The side effect that bothers me most is that ADHD medications can stunt the growth of children. I know how the Concerta has affected me with regards to my brain, and really, it helps with the dietary changes too, as it can suppress appetite. I don't think Logan is really in any need of losing weight.
Hopefully, this year has changed how I will deal with Logan in school, as well as Olivia. Not to mention that I will be starting school myself in the coming weeks. It's time to take these new found strategies and apply them to my own life. Jump the one final hurdle that is keeping part of the anxiety bubbling to the surface when it comes to me going back to school. This summer has presented a ton of new and wonderful feelings and experiences for me. My head is clearer, I'm happier, I'm more able to maintain my attention. I'm seeing both the start and end of a project.
It's not going to be easy. I'm aware of that. Balancing three kids and their needs, my own needs, the older two in school, taking my own courses through distance education, the house, and all the other things that come with being a mom, wife, friend and family member, along with taking care of myself with my own mental health issue and learning disability, it looks like a big mountain to climb. It's taking time. Just like everything else, when change happens, it's best to take it in small doses. My house will never be perfect, especially while we are five people in a small space with little storage. That's going to change in the not so distant future.
The best part about all of this is the knowledge that it isn't as big as it all seems, so long as I take each challenge and work it though, piece by piece. I'm excited about the changes, and while being excited is a type of anxiety, it's a positive type of anxiety.
But, it's honest. And I think my concerns are totally valid. I also imagine that until I feel more comfortable with Logan's ADD as well as my own ADHD, then I know that the worries will abate.
Or they won't. I mean, I AM a mom. My kids are the most important people in the world to me, besides Jeff'.
Thankfully, having ADD and ADHD isn't something to be ashamed of anymore. There is lots of science behind it, lots of ways to work with it with diet and exercise, and lots of medications that can work if used properly. Supplements, strategies and understanding. Those are important parts of dealing with disorders that are in our brains.
I have spoken many times about how consistency has always been difficult for me to manage. There was always a strong pattern in how I approached school and it was never a productive way of managing it. I would get into the new school year, ready for change, ready to make a good year. Thinking about how awesome it would be to be on the honor roll. I always had great intentions in doing homework and projects. I would start off the start of the year, strongly. Many times, pulling in grades in the 70's and 80's. I would be so proud of myself, ready to move forward and then I'd just let it all go. It would all just stop. The teachers would be frustrated, I'd be frustrated, my dad would be frustrated. There was no lack of intelligence. I got sick of hearing how smart I was, how capable I was, why couldn't I just do better? It would hit my self esteem pretty hard, and it would just spiral down from there.
As I started having kids, some of those same patterns would emerge. I would get all hopped up in getting the house cleaned, keeping on a routine, everything like that. And just like in school, things would take a dive. Consistency would disappear and then I'd get upset with myself.
Last September, when Logan went back to school, I had all sorts of lofty plans. Lots of ways to make routine solid. Having homework routine, playtime, dinnertime, bedtime. And of course, it started off strong. By November, it was falling apart. So then the spiral started again. There were other issues as well, but overall, the ADHD made it super tough for me to maintain those changes. I'd get forgetful, wouldn't follow through. It wasn't good for the kids, at all, and it was really bad for me too. So self esteem took a dive, food became a haven, and I just got worse and worse. Spring is always a tough time for me because of being in the house so much, and this spring was worst than most. It was so long. So frustrating when we would think winter was done and we'd get another blast. Longest spring ever.
April came around and the diagnosis helped change my life. Learning that not everything I was doing was necessarily my fault, that there were reasons for my behaviour and there were solutions to help me manage the behaviours that came about from the ADHD. It helped me stop floundering and take more control of my life. I've taken two wonderful therapy groups, both helping me with life in so many ways. It's made me so excited to share with friends who are in the same space as I am. Not necessarily in the ADHD, but in the way we handle our anxieties, how food plays a part in our lives, and how it affects my brain. Next month, I start taking a therapy group on ADHD and solutions to manage it. If these last two therapy groups are any indication, the ADHD group will be spectacular.
With regards to Logan and school, I was reading his report card again just before I went out to get their school supplies. I was shocked to see how many times the ends of each paragraph ended with how Logan needed to focus and pay attention. In his math, his grade 3 teacher feels that he will need some review for math.
Last year, I failed him. I just didn't have the capabilities to manage the school year and all the things that came with it. I knew what I needed to do, but lacked the focus to maintain and follow through. This year, we start with communicating with his new teacher, keeping him in the loop. Asking him what his strategies for dealing with Logan will be. Asking him if we can do a bit (not a lot...he will have enough homework anyway) more review of math from grade 3. What he feels will be beneficial to Logan and how he wants to work with me. I want to talk to our principal and see how he feels with regards to the ADD and how he will handle Logan if for some reason he needs a time out and winds up in the office, like he did once in a while last year. I think, well...no, I KNOW that communication between myself and the school will be the biggest thing. Add to it the routine and my following through, we will manage a good school year.
I've had to explain to Logan that I understand how he feels. I was talking to him yesterday night, telling him how I know how it feels to have that block. How bad it can feel to be getting in trouble because you really do forget and sometimes it's hard to explain to people what's going on. He cried. I don't want his school experience to be like mine. That's a lot of weight to take on, but he's my sweet, smart, compassionate, talented, wonderful 9 year old boy, who deserves everything I can put into him. And if we encounter issues with my two smaller kids, they too will get all I can give them in order to make their childhoods and school experiences as positive and memorable as possible. It's my job. It's also my job to help people, like teachers, family, how to understand Logan's difficulties and teach them a bit of patience.
I know that we will have all the support we can get for him. I also know that if it's possible, I will avoid medication for Logan. There are some side effects of the medications that I'm not completely comfortable with at this stage in his life. None of it really bugs me overly, considering how much monitoring I know he will receive from our doctors. Again, that's because he has me and his dad to advocate for him. The side effect that bothers me most is that ADHD medications can stunt the growth of children. I know how the Concerta has affected me with regards to my brain, and really, it helps with the dietary changes too, as it can suppress appetite. I don't think Logan is really in any need of losing weight.
Hopefully, this year has changed how I will deal with Logan in school, as well as Olivia. Not to mention that I will be starting school myself in the coming weeks. It's time to take these new found strategies and apply them to my own life. Jump the one final hurdle that is keeping part of the anxiety bubbling to the surface when it comes to me going back to school. This summer has presented a ton of new and wonderful feelings and experiences for me. My head is clearer, I'm happier, I'm more able to maintain my attention. I'm seeing both the start and end of a project.
It's not going to be easy. I'm aware of that. Balancing three kids and their needs, my own needs, the older two in school, taking my own courses through distance education, the house, and all the other things that come with being a mom, wife, friend and family member, along with taking care of myself with my own mental health issue and learning disability, it looks like a big mountain to climb. It's taking time. Just like everything else, when change happens, it's best to take it in small doses. My house will never be perfect, especially while we are five people in a small space with little storage. That's going to change in the not so distant future.
The best part about all of this is the knowledge that it isn't as big as it all seems, so long as I take each challenge and work it though, piece by piece. I'm excited about the changes, and while being excited is a type of anxiety, it's a positive type of anxiety.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Losing It.
Weight, I mean.
I already lost my mind years ago.
No. Now I'm losing weight. And happily enough, it seems to be helping me maintain my sanity. Who knew?
I'm not a big proponent of trumpeting my weight loss all over the place. I am doing it for me, and I don't want to annoy people. *Just a thing I have*
I like to get on my scale, daily, and check to see where I'm at.
"But, but...you're not SUPPOSED to weigh yourself everyday. It's bad. You should only do it once a week! Your weight changes so much!"
So?
I like to do it. And sometimes, it's been very interesting to see how my weight changes depending on how much water I've drank, how much work I've done (or not done), and even what I ate the day before. Sometimes, I even weigh myself TWICE a day! (gasp!)
I know. You're thinking that I'm insane. I'm on my way to anorexia or bulimia. I'm losing my mind over weigh loss. It's just a matter of time....
No. That's not true. I eat well, I take care of myself, and while I haven't been to the gym in ages, I have viable reasons. I have three kids out of school, so putting them into childcare is an extra expense. The weather has been lovely for the most part, so we've been at the park, we were in the mountains, we've been camping, hiking, biking. So, it's not like I've been sedentary.
I "admitted" to my dietician that I'd been weighing myself regularly, but it was mostly out of curiosity and she said something that really helped me. She thinks it has something to do with my ADHD. Interesting eh?! Things that pique my interest can become a bit of an obsession. I know that people who weigh themselves frequently tend to have other issues, but I'm not kidding. When I do it, it's strictly for my edification. It helps me to realize what I might have done the day before (not enough water, exercise, wrong food) that causes that extra bit to come on, or off.
So, I also said I don't trumpet my weight loss around. There are a few reasons for it.
First off, I'm feeling good about me and I don't really need anybody to validate me for the changes I've made. Having said that, of course, it feels wonderful when someone recognizes that I've lost the weight and comments. I definitely appreciate it. I just don't feel like I've done all that much to change things. I guess in some ways, I'm a bit embarassed. I just don't eat the same way. Not a huge deal...at least, not a huge deal to me.
What I hate is when someone asks me how I've done it.
It frustrates me because how I've done it has been what a lot of people do. I changed not only my eating habits and how I saw food, but also how I perceived myself. Once I got my ADHD diagnosis, it changed everything. The medication helps because it does curb the appetite, but it gives me more energy and helps me to get things moving and keep moving. I've learned to drive down a lot of the unproductive anxiety and not worry about food. I don't diet. I know lots of people say that, but I mean it. I do NOT diet. I eat. I live. I choose foods consciously that I KNOW are good for me more often than not, but I still eat. I had four pieces of pizza tonight. If I had done that before April, I would have felt really guilty. Then it just becomes a "who cares, I can't change" scenario, and the vicious cycle starts again.
I hate the rules. Oh my god. The rules. Don't eat after 8, don't eat carbs, eat carbs, eat protein, don't eat protein, yadda yadda yadda. MY GOD! Stop the freaking rules. Eat!! Enjoy, live, and have fun. If we worry about every stupid little thing, it just becomes depressing and difficult. The biggest quandry I find? Finding that happy medium. That difficult little spot where things are going just right...down the middle. Nice and average, comfortable and happy. SUCH a difficult place to find...and that doesn't go only for food. That's life in general.
I was posed an interesting question during my ADHD diagnosis. One I'd never contemplated before but answered immediately after it was asked:
Do you binge eat?
Yes. Yes I do.
What does that mean? It meant that I would have a super crappy day. The kids would be miserable, things would have hit the fan, I'd feel totally down. So I'd get on the phone, call Jeff and ask for money so I could hit up Safeway for baked goods and chips. Then I'd eat half of whatever I bought. That could mean half a pie. Two or three cinnamon buns, with frosting. Half, or even the entire, bag of chips. And I'd feel good afterwards. Almost euphoric. I'd relax. Kind of like having a glass of wine.
Totally unhealthy. I know. Especially being diabetic. Before that question, I'm sure I had an idea of what I was doing, but never had put a name on it. I mean, binge eating, that means purging too right? I never purged. The idea of anorexia and bulimia is scary for anyone. I never reached that. That's a control thing. I had no control. No reason to control. Except my kids, husband, life. Those are good reasons to control what I eat. And along with the ADHD comes lack of impulse control. Those aren't good times. And I've had to learn them...not easy. Not fun, but definitely better now.
Now, when I have a bad day, I breathe. I take my time, take a bath, read a book, go to bed early, not stress myself with whatever was bugging me that day. I let go. I say to myself "What's done is done, I will do better tomorrow." I don't get hard on myself for having some ice cream. I rather enjoy ice cream. I don't beat myself up for pizza or having dinner out. I enjoy my meals. I make far more positive choices on a regular basis than bad.
And that is the key. Making more positive choices than negative ones.
Learning to look at myself and understand that this is who I am. I can do better, I can look better, I can feel better. But ONLY if I want to do better. Anyone CAN do better...but they have to WANT to. If you're not there, you're not there.
Another thing: Start small. Don't change everything overnight. Just like when you learned to walk, you did it step by step. If there are 30 years of bad habits to break, how in the world do you plan to do it all at once? Is there a family history of bad eating habits? How did food play a part in your life? Sometimes, the answers to those questions can only be found in your own heart. I know where some of my bad eating habits started. Of course I do. I don't bother blaming anyone, I just say "well...that's where it started, now how do I fix it?" I'm an adult. It's time to answer those questions.
I doubt highly that most "diets" work effectively over long periods of time. Diets are great for a short term fix, but really, there are things that need to be addressed above and beyond the dietary portion. Motivation is a big one for me. Change is easy when it comes to diet and such, but maintaining it is the hardest part. My drive to maintain has included being less hard on myself. It's so easy to "fall off the wagon" and then have to "start over again". Why did you have to start over? Where is the wagon? What are the rules? Why are there rules? Why bother with the rules?
Much of how I've come to these conclusions come from my children. There are some things that make me so sad, and one of them is seeing overweight children. I don't judge them, but I do feel bad for them. I know I'm overweight, and I know what comes from being overweight, whether it's judgement or health issues. Why would I put that on my kids? They didn't do anything to get there. In many cases, it's chosen for them, and then it's wondered why that child is sick? Funny enough, being conscious of that for my kids made me take time to prepare most meals for them with all of the food groups and health in mind. Making sure what they ate was primarily healthy. Somehow, I lacked that for myself. Somehow, I felt like I wasn't good enough? I don't really know. All I know is that I made sure that everyone else was fed properly and I just did what I did. I'd eat my meals with the kids, put them to bed and then have my binge. Or not...it all depended on what I was doing and how I felt. Somedays were better.
I'm not perfect. I'll never be. I'm searching for all my answers in the same way many other people are. If I can't find the answer myself, then reaching out and asking for help to find some of those answers. There is no magic pill, no magic answer, no instant fix. No diet pill will help me lose the weight because after I've lost the weight, I haven't deal with the underlying issues, so then I just go back to old habits. How does that help me? Well...it doesn't. I think this goes for many many other forms of bad habits that affect our lives. Finding the reasons why we do the things we do, helps us to fix whatever is nagging at us, making us unhappy and in turn, making others unhappy.
I just figure, in the meantime, the changes I'm making are great, I'm happy, I'm healthier than I've been in years and I have lots of energy. I'm getting things done, I'm enjoying life and I'm feeling so positive. And even after all that great stuff, I still have shitty weeks. Not days...sometimes, weeks. And I take those weeks, wallow in it, look into why I'm feeling like that and then try to find a solution. Sometimes, it's simply that I'm not taking enough time for myself and I need to reset. Others, maybe I haven't been as consistent in my medication as I should be. But there's always a reason. Going into myself for a few days, looking into the situation and the mood, then trying to figure it all out, sometimes is fascinating.
I just like to share too. I always like to think that someone out there is reading this and says to themselves "Yeah! I totally know what she means!" I know from very personal and recent experience, knowing there is someone out there, struggling with many of the same issues, can be a very good feeling.
So I guess I just continue to take it day by day. Find the supplements that help, keep going on the meds, do the exercise I can, when I can, but overall, just let it go. Let it be. Find the time and place and just be me. Not worrying about what size I am, how much I weigh, what I look like, but focus on how I feel. How happy I am, how sad I am. Why I'm that way.
And just keep moving forward.
Oh. And my weight? I was 258 in April. As of this morning, I was 233. 25lbs off feels great!
But, it's for me. And that's what matters most!
I already lost my mind years ago.
No. Now I'm losing weight. And happily enough, it seems to be helping me maintain my sanity. Who knew?
I'm not a big proponent of trumpeting my weight loss all over the place. I am doing it for me, and I don't want to annoy people. *Just a thing I have*
I like to get on my scale, daily, and check to see where I'm at.
"But, but...you're not SUPPOSED to weigh yourself everyday. It's bad. You should only do it once a week! Your weight changes so much!"
So?
I like to do it. And sometimes, it's been very interesting to see how my weight changes depending on how much water I've drank, how much work I've done (or not done), and even what I ate the day before. Sometimes, I even weigh myself TWICE a day! (gasp!)
I know. You're thinking that I'm insane. I'm on my way to anorexia or bulimia. I'm losing my mind over weigh loss. It's just a matter of time....
No. That's not true. I eat well, I take care of myself, and while I haven't been to the gym in ages, I have viable reasons. I have three kids out of school, so putting them into childcare is an extra expense. The weather has been lovely for the most part, so we've been at the park, we were in the mountains, we've been camping, hiking, biking. So, it's not like I've been sedentary.
I "admitted" to my dietician that I'd been weighing myself regularly, but it was mostly out of curiosity and she said something that really helped me. She thinks it has something to do with my ADHD. Interesting eh?! Things that pique my interest can become a bit of an obsession. I know that people who weigh themselves frequently tend to have other issues, but I'm not kidding. When I do it, it's strictly for my edification. It helps me to realize what I might have done the day before (not enough water, exercise, wrong food) that causes that extra bit to come on, or off.
So, I also said I don't trumpet my weight loss around. There are a few reasons for it.
First off, I'm feeling good about me and I don't really need anybody to validate me for the changes I've made. Having said that, of course, it feels wonderful when someone recognizes that I've lost the weight and comments. I definitely appreciate it. I just don't feel like I've done all that much to change things. I guess in some ways, I'm a bit embarassed. I just don't eat the same way. Not a huge deal...at least, not a huge deal to me.
What I hate is when someone asks me how I've done it.
It frustrates me because how I've done it has been what a lot of people do. I changed not only my eating habits and how I saw food, but also how I perceived myself. Once I got my ADHD diagnosis, it changed everything. The medication helps because it does curb the appetite, but it gives me more energy and helps me to get things moving and keep moving. I've learned to drive down a lot of the unproductive anxiety and not worry about food. I don't diet. I know lots of people say that, but I mean it. I do NOT diet. I eat. I live. I choose foods consciously that I KNOW are good for me more often than not, but I still eat. I had four pieces of pizza tonight. If I had done that before April, I would have felt really guilty. Then it just becomes a "who cares, I can't change" scenario, and the vicious cycle starts again.
I hate the rules. Oh my god. The rules. Don't eat after 8, don't eat carbs, eat carbs, eat protein, don't eat protein, yadda yadda yadda. MY GOD! Stop the freaking rules. Eat!! Enjoy, live, and have fun. If we worry about every stupid little thing, it just becomes depressing and difficult. The biggest quandry I find? Finding that happy medium. That difficult little spot where things are going just right...down the middle. Nice and average, comfortable and happy. SUCH a difficult place to find...and that doesn't go only for food. That's life in general.
I was posed an interesting question during my ADHD diagnosis. One I'd never contemplated before but answered immediately after it was asked:
Do you binge eat?
Yes. Yes I do.
What does that mean? It meant that I would have a super crappy day. The kids would be miserable, things would have hit the fan, I'd feel totally down. So I'd get on the phone, call Jeff and ask for money so I could hit up Safeway for baked goods and chips. Then I'd eat half of whatever I bought. That could mean half a pie. Two or three cinnamon buns, with frosting. Half, or even the entire, bag of chips. And I'd feel good afterwards. Almost euphoric. I'd relax. Kind of like having a glass of wine.
Totally unhealthy. I know. Especially being diabetic. Before that question, I'm sure I had an idea of what I was doing, but never had put a name on it. I mean, binge eating, that means purging too right? I never purged. The idea of anorexia and bulimia is scary for anyone. I never reached that. That's a control thing. I had no control. No reason to control. Except my kids, husband, life. Those are good reasons to control what I eat. And along with the ADHD comes lack of impulse control. Those aren't good times. And I've had to learn them...not easy. Not fun, but definitely better now.
Now, when I have a bad day, I breathe. I take my time, take a bath, read a book, go to bed early, not stress myself with whatever was bugging me that day. I let go. I say to myself "What's done is done, I will do better tomorrow." I don't get hard on myself for having some ice cream. I rather enjoy ice cream. I don't beat myself up for pizza or having dinner out. I enjoy my meals. I make far more positive choices on a regular basis than bad.
And that is the key. Making more positive choices than negative ones.
Learning to look at myself and understand that this is who I am. I can do better, I can look better, I can feel better. But ONLY if I want to do better. Anyone CAN do better...but they have to WANT to. If you're not there, you're not there.
Another thing: Start small. Don't change everything overnight. Just like when you learned to walk, you did it step by step. If there are 30 years of bad habits to break, how in the world do you plan to do it all at once? Is there a family history of bad eating habits? How did food play a part in your life? Sometimes, the answers to those questions can only be found in your own heart. I know where some of my bad eating habits started. Of course I do. I don't bother blaming anyone, I just say "well...that's where it started, now how do I fix it?" I'm an adult. It's time to answer those questions.
I doubt highly that most "diets" work effectively over long periods of time. Diets are great for a short term fix, but really, there are things that need to be addressed above and beyond the dietary portion. Motivation is a big one for me. Change is easy when it comes to diet and such, but maintaining it is the hardest part. My drive to maintain has included being less hard on myself. It's so easy to "fall off the wagon" and then have to "start over again". Why did you have to start over? Where is the wagon? What are the rules? Why are there rules? Why bother with the rules?
Much of how I've come to these conclusions come from my children. There are some things that make me so sad, and one of them is seeing overweight children. I don't judge them, but I do feel bad for them. I know I'm overweight, and I know what comes from being overweight, whether it's judgement or health issues. Why would I put that on my kids? They didn't do anything to get there. In many cases, it's chosen for them, and then it's wondered why that child is sick? Funny enough, being conscious of that for my kids made me take time to prepare most meals for them with all of the food groups and health in mind. Making sure what they ate was primarily healthy. Somehow, I lacked that for myself. Somehow, I felt like I wasn't good enough? I don't really know. All I know is that I made sure that everyone else was fed properly and I just did what I did. I'd eat my meals with the kids, put them to bed and then have my binge. Or not...it all depended on what I was doing and how I felt. Somedays were better.
I'm not perfect. I'll never be. I'm searching for all my answers in the same way many other people are. If I can't find the answer myself, then reaching out and asking for help to find some of those answers. There is no magic pill, no magic answer, no instant fix. No diet pill will help me lose the weight because after I've lost the weight, I haven't deal with the underlying issues, so then I just go back to old habits. How does that help me? Well...it doesn't. I think this goes for many many other forms of bad habits that affect our lives. Finding the reasons why we do the things we do, helps us to fix whatever is nagging at us, making us unhappy and in turn, making others unhappy.
I just figure, in the meantime, the changes I'm making are great, I'm happy, I'm healthier than I've been in years and I have lots of energy. I'm getting things done, I'm enjoying life and I'm feeling so positive. And even after all that great stuff, I still have shitty weeks. Not days...sometimes, weeks. And I take those weeks, wallow in it, look into why I'm feeling like that and then try to find a solution. Sometimes, it's simply that I'm not taking enough time for myself and I need to reset. Others, maybe I haven't been as consistent in my medication as I should be. But there's always a reason. Going into myself for a few days, looking into the situation and the mood, then trying to figure it all out, sometimes is fascinating.
I just like to share too. I always like to think that someone out there is reading this and says to themselves "Yeah! I totally know what she means!" I know from very personal and recent experience, knowing there is someone out there, struggling with many of the same issues, can be a very good feeling.
So I guess I just continue to take it day by day. Find the supplements that help, keep going on the meds, do the exercise I can, when I can, but overall, just let it go. Let it be. Find the time and place and just be me. Not worrying about what size I am, how much I weigh, what I look like, but focus on how I feel. How happy I am, how sad I am. Why I'm that way.
And just keep moving forward.
Oh. And my weight? I was 258 in April. As of this morning, I was 233. 25lbs off feels great!
But, it's for me. And that's what matters most!
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