Losing It.

Weight, I mean.

I already lost my mind years ago.  

No.  Now I'm losing weight.  And happily enough, it seems to be helping me maintain my sanity.  Who knew?

I'm not a big proponent of trumpeting my weight loss all over the place.  I am doing it for me, and I don't want to annoy people.  *Just a thing I have*

I like to get on my scale, daily, and check to see where I'm at.

"But, but...you're not SUPPOSED to weigh yourself everyday.  It's bad.  You should only do it once a week!  Your weight changes so much!"

So?

I like to do it.  And sometimes, it's been very interesting to see how my weight changes depending on how much water I've drank, how much work I've done (or not done), and even what I ate the day before.  Sometimes, I even weigh myself TWICE a day!  (gasp!)

I know.  You're thinking that I'm insane.  I'm on my way to anorexia or bulimia.  I'm losing my mind over weigh loss.  It's just a matter of time....

No.  That's not true.  I eat well, I take care of myself, and while I haven't been to the gym in ages, I have viable reasons.  I have three kids out of school, so putting them into childcare is an extra expense.  The weather has been lovely for the most part, so we've been at the park, we were in the mountains, we've been camping, hiking, biking.  So, it's not like I've been sedentary. 

I "admitted" to my dietician that I'd been weighing myself regularly, but it was mostly out of curiosity and she said something that really helped me.  She thinks it has something to do with my ADHD.  Interesting eh?!  Things that pique my interest can become a bit of an obsession.  I know that people who weigh themselves frequently tend to have other issues, but I'm not kidding.  When I do it, it's strictly for my edification.  It helps me to realize what I might have done the day before (not enough water, exercise, wrong food) that causes that extra bit to come on, or off.  

So, I also said I don't trumpet my weight loss around.  There are a few reasons for it.

First off, I'm feeling good about me and I don't really need anybody to validate me for the changes I've made.  Having said that, of course, it feels wonderful when someone recognizes that I've lost the weight and comments.  I definitely appreciate it.  I just don't feel like I've done all that much to change things.  I guess in some ways, I'm a bit embarassed.  I just don't eat the same way.  Not a huge deal...at least, not a huge deal to me.  

What I hate is when someone asks me how I've done it.  

It frustrates me because how I've done it has been what a lot of people do.  I changed not only my eating habits and how I saw food, but also how I perceived myself.  Once I got my ADHD diagnosis, it changed everything.  The medication helps because it does curb the appetite, but it gives me more energy and helps me to get things moving and keep moving.  I've learned to drive down a lot of the unproductive anxiety and not worry about food.  I don't diet.  I know lots of people say that, but I mean it.  I do NOT diet.  I eat.  I live.  I choose foods consciously that I KNOW are good for me more often than not, but I still eat.  I had four pieces of pizza tonight.  If I had done that before April, I would have felt really guilty.  Then it just becomes a "who cares, I can't change" scenario, and the vicious cycle starts again.

I hate the rules.  Oh my god.  The rules.  Don't eat after 8, don't eat carbs, eat carbs, eat protein, don't eat protein, yadda yadda yadda.  MY GOD!  Stop the freaking rules.  Eat!!  Enjoy, live, and have fun.  If we worry about every stupid little thing, it just becomes depressing and difficult.  The biggest quandry I find?  Finding that happy medium.  That difficult little spot where things are going just right...down the middle.  Nice and average, comfortable and happy.  SUCH a difficult place to find...and that doesn't go only for food.  That's life in general.

I was posed an interesting question during my ADHD diagnosis.  One I'd never contemplated before but answered immediately after it was asked:

Do you binge eat?

Yes.  Yes I do.

What does that mean?  It meant that I would have a super crappy day.  The kids would be miserable, things would have hit the fan, I'd feel totally down.  So I'd get on the phone, call Jeff and ask for money so I could hit up Safeway for baked goods and chips.  Then I'd eat half of whatever I bought.  That could mean half a pie.  Two or three cinnamon buns, with frosting.  Half, or even the entire, bag of chips.  And I'd feel good afterwards.  Almost euphoric.  I'd relax.  Kind of like having a glass of wine.  

Totally unhealthy.  I know.  Especially being diabetic.  Before that question, I'm sure I had an idea of what I was doing, but never had put a name on it.  I mean, binge eating, that means purging too right?  I never purged.  The idea of anorexia and bulimia is scary for anyone.  I never reached that.  That's a control thing.  I had no control.  No reason to control.  Except my kids, husband, life.  Those are good reasons to control what I eat.  And along with the ADHD comes lack of impulse control.  Those aren't good times.  And I've had to learn them...not easy.  Not fun, but definitely better now.

Now, when I have a bad day, I breathe.  I take my time, take a bath, read a book, go to bed early, not stress myself with whatever was bugging me that day.  I let go.  I say to myself "What's done is done, I will do better tomorrow."  I don't get hard on myself for having some ice cream.  I rather enjoy ice cream.  I don't beat myself up for pizza or having dinner out.  I enjoy my meals.  I make far more positive choices on a regular basis than bad.  

And that is the key.  Making more positive choices than negative ones.  

Learning to look at myself and understand that this is who I am.  I can do better, I can look better, I can feel better.  But ONLY if I want to do better.  Anyone CAN do better...but they have to WANT to.  If you're not there, you're not there. 

Another thing:  Start small.  Don't change everything overnight.  Just like when you learned to walk, you did it step by step.  If there are 30 years of bad habits to break, how in the world do you plan to do it all at once?  Is there a family history of bad eating habits?  How did food play a part in your life?  Sometimes, the answers to those questions can only be found in your own heart.  I know where some of my bad eating habits started.  Of course I do.  I don't bother blaming anyone, I just say "well...that's where it started, now how do I fix it?"  I'm an adult.  It's time to answer those questions.  

I doubt highly that most "diets" work effectively over long periods of time.  Diets are great for a short term fix, but really, there are things that need to be addressed above and beyond the dietary portion.  Motivation is a big one for me.  Change is easy when it comes to diet and such, but maintaining it is the hardest part.  My drive to maintain has included being less hard on myself.  It's so easy to "fall off the wagon" and then have to "start over again".  Why did you have to start over?  Where is the wagon?  What are the rules?  Why are there rules?  Why bother with the rules?

Much of how I've come to these conclusions come from my children.  There are some things that make me so sad, and one of them is seeing overweight children.  I don't judge them, but I do feel bad for them.  I know I'm overweight, and I know what comes from being overweight, whether it's judgement or health issues.  Why would I put that on my kids?  They didn't do anything to get there.  In many cases, it's chosen for them, and then it's wondered why that child is sick?  Funny enough, being conscious of that for my kids made me take time to prepare most meals for them with all of the food groups and health in mind.  Making sure what they ate was primarily healthy.  Somehow, I lacked that for myself.  Somehow, I felt like I wasn't good enough?  I don't really know.  All I know is that I made sure that everyone else was fed properly and I just did what I did.  I'd eat my meals with the kids, put them to bed and then have my binge.  Or not...it all depended on what I was doing and how I felt.  Somedays were better.  

I'm not perfect.  I'll never be.  I'm searching for all my answers in the same way many other people are.  If I can't find the answer myself, then reaching out and asking for help to find some of those answers.  There is no magic pill, no magic answer, no instant fix.  No diet pill will help me lose the weight because after I've lost the weight, I haven't deal with the underlying issues, so then I just go back to old habits.  How does that help me?  Well...it doesn't.  I think this goes for many many other forms of bad habits that affect our lives.  Finding the reasons why we do the things we do, helps us to fix whatever is nagging at us, making us unhappy and in turn, making others unhappy.  

I just figure, in the meantime, the changes I'm making are great, I'm happy, I'm healthier than I've been in years and I have lots of energy.  I'm getting things done, I'm enjoying life and I'm feeling so positive.  And even after all that great stuff, I still have shitty weeks.  Not days...sometimes, weeks.  And I take those weeks, wallow in it, look into why I'm feeling like that and then try to find a solution.  Sometimes, it's simply that I'm not taking enough time for myself and I need to reset.  Others, maybe I haven't been as consistent in my medication as I should be.  But there's always a reason.  Going into myself for a few days, looking into the situation and the mood, then trying to figure it all out, sometimes is fascinating.  

I just like to share too.  I always like to think that someone out there is reading this and says to themselves "Yeah!  I totally know what she means!"  I know from very personal and recent experience, knowing there is someone out there, struggling with many of the same issues, can be a very good feeling.  

So I guess I just continue to take it day by day.  Find the supplements that help, keep going on the meds, do the exercise I can, when I can, but overall, just let it go.  Let it be.  Find the time and place and just be me.  Not worrying about what size I am, how much I weigh, what I look like, but focus on how I feel.  How happy I am, how sad I am.  Why I'm that way.  

And just keep moving forward.

Oh.  And my weight?  I was 258 in April.  As of this morning, I was 233.  25lbs off feels great! 

But, it's for me.  And that's what matters most!