New School Year, New Worries

I know that my title isn't exactly the most positive.  

But, it's honest.  And I think my concerns are totally valid.  I also imagine that until I feel more comfortable with Logan's ADD as well as my own ADHD, then I know that the worries will abate.

Or they won't.  I mean, I AM a mom.  My kids are the most important people in the world to me, besides Jeff'.  

Thankfully, having ADD and ADHD isn't something to be ashamed of anymore.  There is lots of science behind it, lots of ways to work with it with diet and exercise, and lots of medications that can work if used properly.  Supplements, strategies and understanding.  Those are important parts of dealing with disorders that are in our brains.  

I have spoken many times about how consistency has always been difficult for me to manage.  There was always a strong pattern in how I approached school and it was never a productive way of managing it.  I would get into the new school year, ready for change, ready to make a good year.  Thinking about how awesome it would be to be on the honor roll.  I always had great intentions in doing homework and projects.  I would start off the start of the year, strongly.  Many times, pulling in grades in the 70's and 80's.  I would be so proud of myself, ready to move forward and then I'd just let it all go.  It would all just stop.  The teachers would be frustrated, I'd be frustrated, my dad would be frustrated.  There was no lack of intelligence.  I got sick of hearing how smart I was, how capable I was, why couldn't I just do better?  It would hit my self esteem pretty hard, and it would just spiral down from there.  

As I started having kids, some of those same patterns would emerge.  I would get all hopped up in getting the house cleaned, keeping on a routine, everything like that.  And just like in school, things would take a dive.  Consistency would disappear and then I'd get upset with myself.

Last September, when Logan went back to school, I had all sorts of lofty plans.  Lots of ways to make routine solid.  Having homework routine, playtime, dinnertime, bedtime.  And of course, it started off strong.  By November, it was falling apart.  So then the spiral started again.  There were other issues as well, but overall, the ADHD made it super tough for me to maintain those changes.  I'd get forgetful, wouldn't follow through.  It wasn't good for the kids, at all, and it was really bad for me too.  So self esteem took a dive, food became a haven, and I just got worse and worse.  Spring is always a tough time for me because of being in the house so much, and this spring was worst than most.  It was so long.  So frustrating when we would think winter was done and we'd get another blast.  Longest spring ever.

April came around and the diagnosis helped change my life.  Learning that not everything I was doing was necessarily my fault, that there were reasons for my behaviour and there were solutions to help me manage the behaviours that came about from the ADHD.  It helped me stop floundering and take more control of my life.  I've taken two wonderful therapy groups, both helping me with life in so many ways.  It's made me so excited to share with friends who are in the same space as I am.  Not necessarily in the ADHD, but in the way we handle our anxieties, how food plays a part in our lives, and how it affects my brain.  Next month, I start taking a therapy group on ADHD and solutions to manage it.  If these last two therapy groups are any indication, the ADHD group will be spectacular.  

With regards to Logan and school, I was reading his report card again just before I went out to get their school supplies.  I was shocked to see how many times the ends of each paragraph ended with how Logan needed to focus and pay attention.  In his math, his grade 3 teacher feels that he will need some review for math.  

Last year, I failed him.  I just didn't have the capabilities to manage the school year and all the things that came with it.  I knew what I needed to do, but lacked the focus to maintain and follow through.  This year, we start with communicating with his new teacher, keeping him in the loop.  Asking him what his strategies for dealing with Logan will be.  Asking him if we can do a bit (not a lot...he will have enough homework anyway) more review of math from grade 3.  What he feels will be beneficial to Logan and how he wants to work with me.  I want to talk to our principal and see how he feels with regards to the ADD and how he will handle Logan if for some reason he needs a time out and winds up in the office, like he did once in a while last year.  I think, well...no, I KNOW that communication between myself and the school will be the biggest thing.  Add to it the routine and my following through, we will manage a good school year.  

I've had to explain to Logan that I understand how he feels.  I was talking to him yesterday night, telling him how I know how it feels to have that block.  How bad it can feel to be getting in trouble because you really do forget and sometimes it's hard to explain to people what's going on.  He cried.  I don't want his school experience to be like mine.  That's a lot of weight to take on, but he's my sweet, smart, compassionate, talented, wonderful 9 year old boy, who deserves everything I can put into him.  And if we encounter issues with my two smaller kids, they too will get all I can give them in order to make their childhoods and school experiences as positive and memorable as possible.  It's my job.  It's also my job to help people, like teachers, family, how to understand Logan's difficulties and teach them a bit of patience.  

I know that we will have all the support we can get for him.  I also know that if it's possible, I will avoid medication for Logan.  There are some side effects of the medications that I'm not completely comfortable with at this stage in his life.  None of it really bugs me overly, considering how much monitoring I know he will receive from our doctors.  Again, that's because he has me and his dad to advocate for him.  The side effect that bothers me most is that ADHD medications can stunt the growth of children.  I know how the Concerta has affected me with regards to my brain, and really, it helps with the dietary changes too, as it can suppress appetite.  I don't think Logan is really in any need of losing weight.   

Hopefully, this year has changed how I will deal with Logan in school, as well as Olivia.  Not to mention that I will be starting school myself in the coming weeks.  It's time to take these new found strategies and apply them to my own life.  Jump the one final hurdle that is keeping part of the anxiety bubbling to the surface when it comes to me going back to school.  This summer has presented a ton of new and wonderful feelings and experiences for me.  My head is clearer, I'm happier, I'm more able to maintain my attention.  I'm seeing both the start and end of a project.  

It's not going to be easy.  I'm aware of that.  Balancing three kids and their needs, my own needs, the older two in school, taking my own courses through distance education, the house, and all the other things that come with being a mom, wife, friend and family member, along with taking care of myself with my own mental health issue and learning disability, it looks like a big mountain to climb.  It's taking time.  Just like everything else, when change happens, it's best to take it in small doses.  My house will never be perfect, especially while we are five people in a small space with little storage.  That's going to change in the not so distant future.

The best part about all of this is the knowledge that it isn't as big as it all seems, so long as I take each challenge and work it though, piece by piece.  I'm excited about the changes, and while being excited is a type of anxiety, it's a positive type of anxiety.