Yesterday, as I was floating through my newsfeed on Facebook, I noticed the sad passing of a great actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I was saddened by a few things regarding his passing. First off, he was an amazing talent. It's sad when we lose these types of people. I don't care if they are famous or not, to lose talent at any age, at any type of celebrity is a loss to humanity. It just happened he was famous. Second, I was disappointed in the reactions of people to his death. There was just so much judgement, and very little compassion.
I posted this passing on my page and was amazed at some of the remarks that it brought about both from friends and family. Some of the remarks were valid, but judgemental, others were valid and anecdotal. It definitely brought up some controversy and opinion, a bit of back and forth. It was good though. I hold nothing against anyone who posted a comment regarding his death and the way that we handle celebrity when these deaths happen. They are right. There are far too many people dying daily of addiction that don't get the help that celebrities have at their disposal because they are more financially capable of attaining the help. So then we wonder why we aggrandize these people and hold them above all others. How is that fair? Well. I agree, it's not.
I wonder if Mr. Hoffman would be content to know that his struggle and death might open up the channels of communication more and enable us to speak more freely of addiction and how it affects family, the addict and the health care system.
Perhaps, his death does not need to be in vain. Too many other deaths pass in vain and leave little conversation about how we need to be able to help the addict in a compassionate and effective manner.
I've blogged in the past about how close I came, only a year ago, to addiction myself. It's a slippery slope. You're in your own head, thinking about what's wrong with you, how hard it is to fix it, why does no one else recognize it? You are aware of the issues at hand, but the easiest way of dealing with it is to self medicate. In some cases, we turn to alcohol (my choice at that time) or drugs. We turn to food, exercise, television, shopping...we turn to the wrong ways of dealing with those thoughts because in that moment, that wonderful, blissful moment, we aren't thinking about the things wrong with us. We're thinking about how relaxed we are, how content we are...in that moment. We don't consider how this could be hurting us, or how it could be harming our families and friends. We don't consider how we are going to cope with these feelings and thoughts the next day, or the next week. We just live in that moment. We know we feel good in that moment and the rest doesn't matter. Then. Then the next hour, day, week, month, year, we realize what we've been doing, and then we feel shame. And shame keeps us from speaking about what's going on. It keeps us from talking to a person who could help us, guide us, give us the resources to move forward and get out of the addiction of the moment. Nobody wants to be judged.
It's just that easy. So simple.
Treating the addiction is not so simple. We have to turn inside of ourselves, look at why we are feeling the way we are, face the issues and then deal with them. We have to feel. We have to face demons perhaps we didn't know were always there. We don't want to feel bad....we don't. We want to feel good. It's human nature to want to feel good.
Of course, we have to face the fact that in addiction there is also choice. It's easy to blame it on a disease. Very easy, in fact. We don't want to admit we were wrong. When was the last time you found it so easy to say "Yeah. I was wrong. I admit that." Probably rarely. I have always been able to admit I was wrong, but that was more to backpedal. It was more to please the person I was speaking to, even if I KNEW I was right, I'd still say I was wrong. That was poor self esteem on my part. Now, I can still admit when I'm wrong, but I think about it first. Am I truly wrong? Maybe. If I am, great. Teach me why I was wrong. Don't judge me because I was wrong.
I truly believe that the first step in curing an addiction IS admitting there is a problem. The next step, I think, is trying to figure out the WHY. Why did you start drinking? Why did you start eating whenever you felt like it? Why did you stick that needle in your arm, or that drug up your nose? Why are you exercising excessively? Why are your starving yourself? What are the underlying issues at bay? I'm sure we'd all be shocked at the answers.
I also think there is a mental health component to addiction. I think that because I think that I see it clearly, having been close or really, being addicted to things before.
What were my addictions? Well, alcohol came close. That was last year. It was easy. I'd have a rough day, so why not have a beer? Or a glass of wine? It was relaxing. It felt good. It kept my thoughts from racing too much, my anxiety at bay. It started so innocently. Then it started to become a daily thing. THEN, I started to notice I was having an issue. As soon as I started to question myself, as soon as the rational part in my brain started asking why I NEEDED to do this, then I knew there was a problem. So I admitted to the problem, now I need to get the help. Other addictions have included the Internet and food. Both seemingly harmless in the moment, but when you're family life suffers because you're on the computer all day, or your health starts to suffer because you're eating all things at all times of the day and you gain weight, the harm adds up quickly. Those were my addictions of choice. I definitely have the capability of becoming addicted to things. I admit that now. BUT, knowing that is a BIG part of the battle. The ADHD can make me obsessive about things as well. I've blogged about the obsessions that come along with this disorder. It's not always as easy as "Just don't do it..." as people think it can be.
I am blessed. I have very good doctors and find that I connect with people easily. I keep an open mind and listen to what professionals say. If I have a question, I ask it. If I have a concern, I voice it. I don't go around bitching about my doctors. If I don't like a doc, I move on. It's easy for me to do that. They aren't gods. They are human beings like us, with the same failings as we do, they just are more educated than we are. My current family doctor is amazing. He will tell me straight out if he doesn't understand something and then tells me that he will look into it because frankly, he has a patient who needs to know. He rarely passes the buck unless he has to. My psychologist and psychiatrist are tough. They are great doctors and have very great points. They are brutally honest and I like that. I want you to tell me what it is, rather than tap dance around it. Help me help myself.
There, it brings me to my next point. So. I've asked for help, I'm receiving it. Now what?
Well, it's up to me at this point. I can sit around and bemoan my life, saying about how hard it is, how I need to change, but for some reason, I can't do it. I don't know how. I go to the doctor, I keep asking the same questions, they keep giving me the same answers, but nothing changes. Finally the doctor says "I've given you the tools. Now you need to stand up and take it on yourself." And they're right. Now it's on me.
Finding out I had ADHD was the greatest day of my life, since getting married and having my babies. It opened my eyes more to who I was, why I do the things I do and how to manage it. It helped me ask the RIGHT questions. WHY do I get addicted to things so easily? WHY do I obsess about certain things? HOW do I deal with them? WHEN does an obsession become unhealthy? WHY do I have so much trouble with maintaining focus and finishing things? These were all huge questions that needed answering.
So, then my doctors gave me the tools I needed. Therapy groups, meeting others who experience the same thoughts and issues I do, helped a lot. And in meeting these people, sharing my own struggles and ideas, it brought some people comfort to know they weren't alone, just as their stories did for me. They gave me medication. Not always the best mix, some of them don't work for me the way they can work for others. There's a bit of tweaking involved there, for anyone, so I always encourage those who struggle with finding the right balance to TALK to their doctors and try to figure out what works best for them. There are always many options.
So that's my experience with addiction. Of course, when it comes to my own friends and family members, they have always been extremely supportive and encouraging. I've rarely felt shame in expressing my feelings and concerns. And I've given my friends and family permission to always be honest with me. If they think I'm experiencing difficulty and falling down, they can mention it and we can work with it. It's not always lovely to have someone point out your failings, but really, when done with compassion and honesty, coming from a place of love, it's never so bad. I don't say that in the moment it's mentioned to me I'm happy, or all like "Thank you". I might get mad, but that's okay. I'm allowed to feel.
However, many people do not have the support I have. And I recognize that. So, how do we get the people who NEED the help, the help? I really don't have the answers. I truly don't. I wish I did. I wish I could tell someone "Hey, go here. They're awesome." I CAN go to some places because I have the financial means to do so. I have good insurance, a husband who works hard, and is willing to accommodate my schedule in order for me to attend the therapy and doctor's appointments. Not everyone has that means. And it saddens me.
It makes it easy for us to judge. It makes it easy to look at the addict and say "Well, the help is out there, why don't they go get it?" Or "Why did they choose to do that in the first place? Don't they know bettrer?" Chances are, they DO know better. Chances are, they had some sort of issue in life that they are trying to avoid and the easiest thing to do is self medicate. Some people truly do not know better. If you are raised in an environment of addiction and abuse, how can you truly know better if you started abusing drugs or alcohol at an early age? If the example wasn't there, what do you do to understand better? What if the shame is so debilitating that even the thought of asking for help sends you into deep depression and anxiety? What if you suffer from a mental health issue, like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, ADHD and you simply don't see a way out? See how easy it is to judge someone?
Then, we look at people like Mr. Hoffman and we think to ourselves, "he's rich. He's famous. He was sober for 23 years. How could he throw it away like that?" Well. Yeah. Those are great questions. And unless you've walked a mile in his shoes, been in his life, had his experiences, how do we know? If the average person, you and I, can fall into these addictions and we know better, and we're human, what's stopping a celebrity? Probably less than you think. In Hollywood, there are so many people who simply do not say NO to someone. They just go about their business, giving to these people for fear of angering them and then no longer being a part of their gravy train. There are many treatment programs out there, but how many of them truly attack the WHY of the situation? I'd like to say more than we think, but I don't believe that's true.
I know from my own experiences in the past year that learning the WHY behind these things is incredibly important. Changing how we think, how we talk to ourselves and view ourselves and others around us can make such an incredible difference. I started my journey of change five years ago, when I turned 30. I learned about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. My gosh, that's a difficult concept to undertake. Five years later, and I'm JUST totally understanding how it works now and how much it's benefited me in the past few months. And really, only in the past few months. I blogged a lot about epiphanies. Many of my epiphanies come complements of CBT.
I had two friends on my Facebook feed yesterday admit to being alcoholics. That makes my heart soar. And it makes my heart sore. I love my friends. They mean a lot to me, even those I haven't seen in years. I think of them and hope that they are healthy and happy, but the case is, not all of them came out in life with all the tools they needed to succeed in life. They struggled and still do. They, themselves are just now starting to understand who they are and how their own pasts have affected their choices. And the best part, is they admit that they chose the things they did to harm themselves. That's a HUGE thing to say. Like I said earlier, it's easy to hide behind a disease or mental health issue. It truly is. But if given the tools to admit important things like how we came to that point, it makes it easier to recognize our choices and how they've affected our lives.
I also know addicts who will hide behind the "disease" diagnosis. They disappoint me, I'm afraid. As soon as a person I know admits to their choices and is willing to face them, I applaud them. Loudly. And to them. The best way to make it past their addiction is to admit that there were choices at hand. Of course the alcohol didn't pour itself down their throat. Of course the needle didn't just land in their arm. Of course they took that pill. Of course they ate that enormous amount of food that day. Of course they didn't eat those all important meals. But while they DID it, there were reasons why they did it. And that's what needs to be addressed.
I was reading an article on Time.com this morning and the author mentioned many other ways that treatment centers are trying to deal with addiction and how to get people past the risk of relapse. Support is a big one. And I don't think it's just support from the medical community that is needed. Support from friends and family, even reaching out to strangers and telling your story, asking for help, is important. There are so many ways to ask for help now. Social media is a great way to find other people who understand and have been where another person is.
Look. I get what everyone is saying. I get how people are angry because celebrities die from drug overdose, or other "avoidable" addictions, and it seems senseless that we focus so much on their deaths because they were just famous for doing something. It seems so much worse because there are hundreds of thousands of less fortunate people worldwide who do not have the supports that are needed to break the cycle of addiction, any type of addiction. So, why not use these deaths as a springboard to conversation? What's so bad about that? Why let people like Philip Seymour Hoffman, Corey Montieth, Michael Jackson, Jimmy Hendrix, Layne Staley, Heath Ledger, Karen Carpenter (anorexia) and so many before them, and undoubtedly those who will come after them, die in vain? Why not let their lives speak for something OTHER than the excesses of Hollywood and how we watch them fall? Why not make it something we stand for, saying that we're tired of HUMAN lives being lost to these horrible addictions.
What's wrong with a bit of compassion when it comes to addiction? If a person is asking for help, whoever they are, why not reach out a hand and help? Even if all we can do is listen, be there for the person struggling, we're giving something of ourselves. Just a small part, really. And if we have the resources to help, then hand out again. Help them up. Don't kick them when they are down. Don't tell them it's their fault. They already know that. They've already beat themselves up about how bad they are doing. Trust me, they don't need help being told what's wrong. They're more aware than you'd know. None of us are perfect. We're human. We all make mistakes, bad choices, but we all have the capacity for good in us. We all have the means to say to a person "Okay. You need help. How can I do that for you?"
Anyone who reads this blog, know that I do this for that purpose. I KNOW there are other adults out there struggling with addictions from ADHD. It's a common part of this disorder. I know that there are those of you out there despairing, trying so hard, but just not finding those answers, those supports. If there are ever times you need to just reach out and need a hand up, just a kind word, a hand finding a resource, I'll do my best to help. I'm not expecting accolades or awards. I never did. I just want to share. I want to help. If this helps, I'm happy for that. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a pharmacist. I can only tell you my own experiences and tell you what's worked for me. I can only tell you what's inspired me. I can only tell you what I've done to help myself.
Like everyone else, I'm only human.
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