A year already.
Wow.
It's amazing how things can change.
Being diagnosed as having ADHD was easily one of the best things that have ever happened to me. Besides my children and my husband, this diagnosis truly changed my life.
I've been in and out of therapy and counselling for years. When my mom left my dad when I was six, I was in counselling with the counselor at my elementary school. When I was in junior high, I was close to the school counselor there as well as being a peer counselor myself. High school, I didn't see much in the way of therapy or counseling. In University, I had a psychiatrist tell me he suspected I had ADHD. Of course, I knew everything. I was 19. He was a doctor in the USA, and we all know that all they wanted to do was push pills. In my 20's I saw more counselors. It wasn't until I was 30 that things really started to move forward for me. I found a great counselor (NOT that any of the other past counselors were bad. I connected with them, I just didn't have the vocabulary to express myself) and she helped guide me in a direction which eventually took me to where I am today.
Last April, after starting the ADHD assessment process for my oldest son, I was referred to a psychiatrist for myself who would change the entire way I viewed myself. After being diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder three years prior, but not finding the root cause, this diagnosis was a huge relief. Being told that I had ADHD wasn't a shocking, devastating piece of information.
It was a freeing piece of information.
It was an explanation of why I did some of the things I did. Why I experienced such difficulties in consistency, follow through and mood. It explained my weight issues. It explained my anxiety. It explained my impulse control issues. Above all, it explained my talking. My incessant, constant diatribe that I couldn't always control. It explained all of the things that I struggled with but had no answers for. I suddenly had a path to follow, a way to seek out the resources that I would need to move forward and make my life, and ultimately, my family's lives, better.
There have been some struggles. I've stumbled, a lot. I've thought I knew what I was doing, only to find myself in a downward spiral, struggling to figure out where I went wrong. I've been able to help pull myself out of these spirals, which has become far easier than it used to be.
I've discovered things about myself that I didn't know. Or maybe I DID know, but was afraid to share or show. I found out that I like to write...well, no really, I love to write. I've thought about how I could make it work more for me in the future. My blog has really helped me to sort out my thoughts and share my journey. It's been a therapeutic manner of sharing my life and showing that adults with ADHD are misunderstood. We aren't lazy, scattered, we DO care, we want to do better, we're aware that there is something wrong, but we don't always know why or how to fix it. Sometimes, we just need a bit of understanding and leeway. Not TONS, but just a bit. Enough to take the edge off the anxiety.
I found out that I love to garden. I love taking care of flowers, plants, veggies. And I'm good at it too. It's relaxing for me in the evenings while the kids are sleeping and the world is cooling down. I go out there, water the plants, pick away any dead leaves and flowers. I can just sit, breathe, take in the world around me and let my day float away.
And gardening moves into cooking. I do love to cook. I've always known that I love to cook and bake, and I'm good at it. I enjoy trying new things, stretching my talents and sharing my food with the people in my life. If you come to my home, I will feed you. And not because I'm looking for accolades, but simply because I just want to share. I want you to be comfortable in my home, and food is a nice way to connect with others.
I've learned I'm a great communicator. I have always been able to communicate, but I was never really able to sort through some of what I wanted to say, or I was scared to say what I felt or thought, worried about being judged or making people angry. Turns out, I'm really good at communicating my thoughts and ideas to people, even difficult ones, without those repercussions. Being on our parent council has really shown me that I have a good talent for dealing with people. And the best part, I enjoy being with people, helping them, guiding them, being a leader. But not the ultimate leader...I'm not ready for being the head of anything yet. (HA)
One of the BIGGEST surprises to me has been the fact that I enjoy housework. I love the actual DOING of housework. Especially if I'm in a particularly energetic patch or my anxiety levels are high. It helps me to focus on a task and work through my thoughts at the same time. On the opposite hand, sometimes my anxiety makes me tired. Instead of feeling bad about resting and often needing a nap, I rest. Then I wake up, fresh and ready to continue on.
There have been several positive changes that have helped me think more about how I need to take care of myself.
I've lost and maintained the lost of 30lbs (give or take a lb or two). I just saw a dietician last week and she was amazed and impressed that I'd lost the 10% they like to see when it's a goal and maintained it. Even over Christmas and winter. It bodes well for how many positive changes I've made for myself. Most of the changes have become simply habit. Of course, food is still a major weakness for me. I still struggle with my junk food addiction, but I don't come down too hard on myself anymore. I tell myself that it's just for today, tomorrow will be better and time to move on. My health is better. My resting heart rate used to be in the mid-90's. I've had days where my resting heart rate has been in the high 70's and mid 80's. My blood pressure is great, my cholesterol is better than my doctors and my diabetes numbers were in the pre-diabetic levels. My 30lb weight loss was noticeable for a while, but not it's not so much, however, the benefits my overall health has reaped from these changes have been drastic and wonderful!
I thought about going back to school this coming fall, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm not 100% of my choice of career. Grady will only be in school half time, and we're going to put him into child care for the rest of it. I'll find a job and take some time for myself, being around other people and slowly coming back into the real world. I've been a stay at home mom for 10 years now. It's time for me. Perhaps after we've managed to pay off a few other debts, we can look into my going to school. Or...there are always other options. The world, quite literally, is totally open to me.
Overall, this past year has been amazing. I'm feeling marvelous and happy. People are noticing big changes and they tell me how well I'm doing. I don't need as much positive reinforcement as I used to, though sometimes, I fall back on old habits because they are comfortable. I'm learning to let those go.
I'm proud of myself. It's been a year of huge change. It's been a year of huge, positive change. I'm more patient, happier, content, consistent (though that still needs work) and more capable of controlling things that oftentimes were out of my control. I'm more aware of my mind and body, what I eat, when I sleep, who I talk to...all around more mindful of my life.
I definitely have more work to do. It's only been a year. Nobody is going to be able to give up all the habits they have cultivated for 35 years in just one year. When I feel like I haven't done enough, I look back at the last year and give myself a pat on the back and say "Look how far you've come. You still have a long way to go, but the hardest parts are over." (I just made myself tear up a bit with that one...I haven't always been good to myself. It's a big change to be able to say those things to myself.)
There will be more blogging soon. I have a couple of other ones simmering and they don't always go with the ADHD. Some of them involve my kids and how quickly they are growing. Some of them involve things I've seen and my ideas on them. Some of them might just be mindless typing. But either way, I like blogging so much, I will be doing it more.
If you've followed this blog for the past year and read it, thank you for your support. Thank you for taking the time to even read some of my rambling blogs. Thank you for being a friend, even if we've never met. Anything you want to ask me, ask me. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter and email. And I'm extremely open about my life. There are few things I won't share and ideas I have on why they are the way they are. If the way I work with things work for you, then feel free to use them!
Until the next time, stay safe, enjoy spring and be kind to one another. There's not enough of that in the world!
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