I am sitting here, watching "A Beautiful Mind". I'm at the part of the movie where they are showing John Nash's life after the hospitals and how his family and friends are coping with his diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia and behaviours that come along with it.
You can see in the movie how difficult it is for Mr. Nash to cope with everyday life and how difficult it is for his wife to cope with his behaviours and how they affect their lives together. It shows how uncomfortable his friends are with his diagnosis and are afraid to say anything that can be misconstrued as rude or inconsiderate. The movie shows how frustrating it is for them to figure out how to manage through this, with caring and compassion, while still loving their friend and husband.
This is a great example of how difficult it can be for people to live with loved ones with mental illness. It's frustrating, upsetting and hard to understand.
In our family, I am the one with the mental illness. I suffer from an anxiety disorder and there are times where it overwhelms me and I wind up in a depression. I just had a downward spiral this past week, and it made daily life very difficult. It makes me highly irritable, frustrated and upset. When I get into a depression, it's difficult to see the bright side of things, though I can manage to still do so. I'm highly aware that my life isn't as hard to live as some other's lives are. While that's not where I find the positive, I try not to make my life seem more difficult than others have it. In reality, I'm quite blessed.
That doesn't mean I should marginalize what I deal with. I struggle to explain what happens or why, and just about anything can trigger a downward spiral. Fighting it just makes it worse, but giving into it makes me feel weak. It truly is a rock and a hard place. I imagine that for some, it seems like any small thing can trigger an anxiety attack in me, but that's not particularly true. Most of the time, it's a build up of small things, or even one big thing, then a small thing can trigger it. The ADHD doesn't help it at all, because I can wind up with racing thoughts and then it's almost impossible to sort through the mess and focus on one thing or another. That makes things even harder and the frustration builds up to the point of an anxiety attack.
I don't know when these periods will happen. Most of the time, it's hindsight. I work hard to keep things calm, maintain a routine and keep things are predictable as possible, but life doesn't work that way. Sometimes, keeping up that maintenance can be the reason for the spiral.
Living with me when I'm in these spirals is, I imagine, extremely frustrating and hard. I get irritable. Snappy. I get sarcastic and sometimes mean. Which is interesting to me, because frankly, I'm not a mean person. I think the worst part is that it's my family that suffers the most. I can't imagine that it's easy living with someone who's as unpredictable as I know I can be. When I tell people how it can be, most people are quite surprised. It's not something I show in public, ever. I feel like Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde sometimes.
I get tired. I like to sleep a lot when I'm in these spirals. I don't want to eat, I just want to sleep. Obviously, with my schedule, the kids, that's not possible. If I do eat, I struggle to eat things that are good for me. I just want to lapse into bad habits and eat as much junk food as possible. It's a comfort, but only a very short lived comfort. Too much noise can make me just so frustrated. Doing housework goes beyond the normal "chore", even though housework can be very therapeutic. (Bet my dad never thought he'd ever see me say something like that!) Housework helps to distract me from the thoughts going on in my head, but while it can be helpful, I need to get up the energy to even get up to start something. The house can take a real beating for a few days while I'm down.
Last week, an interesting...well interesting to me at least...thing happened. After my anxiety attack on Monday, I really went down. I didn't want to take my medication, which seems a bad idea. And it was. I definitely experienced withdrawl; not a very enjoyable experience. I hit a bad patch and I forget to take my medication. This doesn't happen often, but they do happen. They're not fun. I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I am, and then one day, I realize, "Oh wait...I haven't taken my medication!" Within 2 - 3 days of getting back to the medications, I'm starting to normalize again and things get better. It's interesting to me because you'd think that I should be more aware of the need of the medication, and yet, I just don't follow through. I've proven time and time again to myself that I need the medication and that they definitely help.
I know this is a common thing with people who take medication on a regular basis, especially for mental illnesses. In my case, it's entirely accidental. I don't plan for it. Some people I've talked to mention taking "medication vacations". For some, it's just an experiment to see if they can go without the meds or if it's still a need. For others, it's simply they don't want to take the medications anymore and just stop entirely. I know that for myself, my medications work and help to "normalize" me. Not meaning that I am not normal, per se, but that they help to keep the symptoms of my mental illness and learning disability to a point where they are manageable. Along with therapy, they've been highly helpful for me.
I understand how the medications can affect each person differently. I had that experience myself last summer when I was put onto Concerta. At first, it was good. I felt clear, I was active and losing weight, my focus was good and I was getting things done. Then after a few months, it started to have a negative affect on me. It made me highly jittery, cranky, any manner of negative effects. When they didn't clear up for me after a month or so, I went back to my doctor and requested a change.
I'm so thankful that I did that. The new medication has been much easier to deal with. There were some side effects but overall, it's been a very positive change. With the Celexa, it's been a good experience all around. I've been on the Celexa for about five years now. Even through my pregnancy with Grady, I took the medication. When I asked my doctor how safe it was, she said that in most cases, they have found that a woman with anxiety is more likely to get morning sickness while without medication rather than on. The anxiety just gets so bad, the morning sickness worsens as well. Throughout that entire pregnancy, I had little morning sickness, where with Logan, I was sick throughout the entire time. I told my husband that after the first three weeks on the Celexa, suddenly the voices in my head stopped. He asked me if I knew how crazy that sounded and I responded "It's not like they are telling me to burn things. It's just negative things that I keep thinking to myself." Through the medication and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, I've been able to reverse many of those negative thoughts. The medication helps to quiet things down, but the CBT helps me to replace the "tape" that goes through my mind.
I mentioned earlier that I was blessed.
I am extraordinarily blessed by friends and family who understand. Or rather, try to understand. I doubt that anyone really could understand what goes on in my head, and really, I'd rather they didn't. It might drive them a bit crazy! I have enough crazy in my life that I don't need to really add to it. I'm thankful that they can see past the mental illness and see me for who I really am. Especially Jeff. He stepped into this mess. And he's managed to get through it with grace and understanding. I know that I frustrate him sometimes and it's hard for him to see it from my perspective. I can be a whirlwind or I can be totally dead to the world, oftentimes in the same day. On his last rotation home, I threw him for a couple of loops. One minute I was in the bed, reading and just chilling, and within two minutes, I'm down the stairs telling him to get dressed warm so we can go out to the park with Grady. A few days later, I did it again, only this time, I went from nothing to obsessively cleaning the basement.
I can't imagine how difficult that can be to live with. There's no predictability. It's entirely random sometimes. I am just sitting there, relaxing, reading, watching TV, then BOOM, I get it in my head that I NEED to do something, and it NEEDS to be done NOW. I try to keep things as simple as possible, but sometimes, it just doesn't go that way. For Jeff, it is probably very random, but for me, I've already been thinking about it for a while, and it's that moment when it needs to be done.
I'm very lucky to have friends and family who understand and help me through my difficult times. I know this isn't always the case for many people who suffer from mental illness. Most people who have a mental illness need support, but don't know where to turn. They need people to be willing to listen to them, and not judge them for their "crazy" thoughts. The biggest issue is that there is such a stigma on mental illness and such a culture of shame that goes along with it. We're taught that we need to be strong, never give in. If we get depressed, just snap out of it. If we're anxious, don't worry. We look at people who live with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia with disdain and judgement. We try to avoid those people, feeling uncomfortable with their disorders. There isn't enough funding for people with severe mental illness, and they begin to self medicate. Then we judge them even more harshly.
A person with mental illness needs is support and love. It's definitely not easy to live with a person who has a mental illness. It's not easy for them to live with themselves. It can be made easier with a little compassion and understanding. It's going to be frustrating, irritating and at times, extremely difficult. However, in today's modern medicine, there is not only support for a person suffering from mental illness, but also support for the family members who have to live with that individual. It's so incredibly important to keep the lines of communication open, on both ends. A person who doesn't suffer from a mental illness needs to express themselves just as much as the person with mental illness. Understanding is one of the first steps to healing. Letting a relationship break down due to mental illness is devastating for everyone involved. Any relationship. I want my friends and family to ask me questions. Ask me why I am acting the way I am acting. Slow me down if they feel like I'm going too fast. Feel free to mention that you see something. If you do it in an understanding and compassionate manner, you won't offend me. I don't always know if I'm doing it. The worst for me is when I don't realize it until LATER that I've been like that, and while everyone noticed, they didn't say anything. I don't want to turn anyone off of being my friend. I have a lot of offer in a friendship, and I know that there are so many people out there who have much to offer me in a friendship. I understand who I am, and what I can be like. Don't feel like you're going to offend me if you say "You're going a bit fast for me. Could you slow down?" Make a joke about it. I do.
In our relationship, my husband and I communicate through humour. When I had those two times where I just erratically decided we MUST do something, he joked about it, saying "What the hell? You were JUST laying down a minute ago and now we HAVE to do this?" He laughs about it. It is quite funny in the long run. I don't feel like he's making fun of me. He's making fun of the disorder. The disorder ISN'T ME. It's a part of me. A sometimes confusing, frustrating part of me, but only a part of me. My husband calls me "Pilbo Baggins" and "Drugs Bunny" because of the number of pills I take. It's not all pharmaceuticals. I also take a few supplements that help me immensely as well. I will admit though, I don't like it. I can joke about it, mostly because I don't like it. If I focus on the negative, then it's just that much harder to do keep taking the medications. Admittedly, I enjoy the jokes. Finding the humour in a situation can often be a much better cure than continually focusing on the negative.
So, I understand that we with mental illness aren't easy to live with. With some compassion and understanding, a relationship can be so much more rewarding. We are all different, and we all see the world differently. My ADHD helps me see so much in the world and keeps me thinking and learning. It makes me fun, frustrating, smart and scattered. I see the world a bit differently and that's what makes me who I am. My dad once paid me a huge complement and told me that I see the world differently. Most people don't look at a piece of fruit and see a photograph in it. I do. My anxiety makes me more caring about how people feel. As a result, I work hard at making people happy. I know that I can worry incessantly over things I don't need to worry about, and I'm working on it. But my anxiety can also make me a good mom because I'm more aware of the dangers around the corner. It gives me perspective as well. I have to work to be rational, knowing that there isn't a danger behind every tree and rock. It's a benefit for the kids because then I can give them a bit more freedom, which while it makes me more anxious, it also helps me realize how strong I truly am and the lessons I'm teaching my kids about life.
I'm extraordinarily aware of the heredity of mental illness, as well as learning disabilities. I am worried that all of the kids will wind up with something that I pass along to them. I try not to jump at shadows, seeing things that might not be there, but I have to be careful of that as well. I need to make sure that I don't overlook an important thing that could be harming the children as well. It's all about balance.
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