Being Fat

"Good morning Fat Ass!  How are you doing today?  Still fat, huh?  How come you can't fix that?  Seriously.  What's WRONG with you?  You ate those chips again?  Seriously?  The whole bag?  How DUMB are you?  You know better, you know that, right?"

If you're anything like me, with extra weight on you, maybe you feel the same way.  I'd say this is a pretty damn good way of expressing what's going on in my head.  And it's a struggle.  

It's a big, huge, ugly cycle.  Nasty nasty stuff.  Seriously.  I don't swear much in my posts, or online in general, but if you could see what words were going through my mind right now, you'd be shocked.  It's pretty blue in there sometimes.

When I was diagnosed with ADHD, my psychiatrist mentioned to me that they have found a link between obesity and ADHD.  Yep.  Obesity.  I'm obese.  Not "get me onto tv to help me lose weight" obese.  I'm not fat enough for that.  

Yet.

Hopefully, never.

But........

Ah.  Crap.  Seriously.  I know better.  I know I know better, and it's SO DAMN FRUSTRATING!

I'm stuck.  I'm seriously, desperately, hopelessly stuck.  

I'm diabetic.  

I'm "chunky".  I'm...flabby, fat, whatever you want to call it, but there's no nice way to put it.  No nice way to think about it.  No easy way to look in the mirror and think to myself "God, you look good."  Nope.  Can't find it.  And forget the mirror when a camera comes out.  There is no "good angle" for me.  

I don't do resolutions.  I don't do fad diets.  I like things like smoothies because they taste good.  I'm not even sure if they are totally healthy.  I've tried Weight Watchers, I was in a therapy group, I go to dieticians, I have doctors.  I KNOW what to do, how to do it.  

But I won't do it.  

I can't do it?

So.  What's the answer?  Where do I go from here?  Who do I turn to?  How do I fix this? 

How do I fix ME?

What started this?  Am I addicted to food?  Is it all me?  It is part of my past?  What's the KEY?!  

I have willpower.  But not for food.  I love food.  I like to cook, but I hate the prep.  I hate the prep because it's more time in my day I'd rather be doing something else.  Or as soon as I start to prepare food, something else calls my attention.  Usually important stuff.  

And then there are the answers.  The million, billion, gagillion answers to the weight question.  There a ton of ways to do work with it.  There are diets, there are exercises, there are the do's and don't's.  It's overwhelming.  

I'd rather just eat my chips.  In peace.  Alone.  At night, in the dark, where I can peacefully relax after a long day with kids and life in general.  Throw in some chocolate with that or cake...god, that sounds good right now.

But I can't do that.  I'm not supposed to do that.  I'm not allowed to do that.  

There's no easy fix.  I'm totally aware of that.  Just like I'm aware I need to exercise more.  Just like I'm aware of what I should and shouldn't eat.  Just like I'm aware of everything that I do that is bad for myself.  And when I DO do good for me, I just mess it up.  Life gets the in way.  

I'm told "do it for such and such amount of time and it will just become habit". 

Oh.  Really?  So.  Help me understand and help me get past the first such and such period of time.  Help me figure out what's wrong with me FIRST before we even try to implement that period of time.  Help me NOT crave those tasty, bad for me foods.  

I seriously need someone in the house, helping me.  Daily.  

But that wouldn't work either.  It would be like nagging me.  I don't do nagging.

I know.  I'm venting.  You're probably reading this thinking: 

"You're a fat chick.  Get over it.  Eat right and exercise.  Just get over it."

Or,

"You're a fat chick.  You're beautiful.  You're a good person.  Just get over it."

It's like having an angel and devil on my shoulder.  Telling me all the good things then hearing the bad things.  

Maybe the answer is to "Just get over it."  Maybe I need to stop obsessing, being so hard on myself and freeing myself from the negativity and perhaps those "comfort foods" won't need to be so comforting anymore.  I love salads, I love good homecooked food.  I also love to over think and obsess about things I probably don't need to really worry about SO incessantly.

Huh...maybe it's just time to let go.  Let go of what I think others think of me.  I'm a fairly confident person overall, but when it comes to my appearance, I'm just so self conscious.  Perhaps it's time to let it go and "Just get over it".  Maybe it's time to stop over thinking the diets and what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, when I'm eating.  Just be me.  

I wrote a blog previously about acceptance.  Teaching my kids acceptance and how hard it is to learn that.  I've learned to accept that I can't fix everything about other people and situations.  Maybe I just need to let go the self consciousness (no easy feat after 20 years of it) and then just saying "I AM a good person.  I AM good to other people and now it's time to be good to ME".  (Wow...I teared up typing that...seriously.)

Now.  Just to figure out what being "good to ME" looks like.  Without over thinking it.  Without taking it to extremes and making myself more stressed and anxious.  

And if you made it through this self serving, somewhat obnoxious and whiny post, thank you.  It means you care enough to see where I'm going with this.  And hey, if you think I'm not being good enough to myself, remind me gently.  I'm okay with it.

Hopefully, soon, I will be okay with me.