This has always been a tough one for me.
Learning to accept I can't change or fix everything or anyone. I have to let go and let things slide once in a while, regardless of how it makes me feel. I can't focus on everything that I feel needs to be fixed, so I need to prioritize. This is hard. Especially for someone with ADHD and worries about everything and everyone in her life.
I'm finding with two of my kids that this could be (and has been) an issue.
Logan is in biathlon. And he's good at the shooting part. He's struggling with the skiing. Not because he can't ski, but because he needs to learn a certain technique of cross country skiing and is finding it difficult.
This weekend, there is a race. Both his dad and I think it would be a great way for him to get an idea of what a race is like and how they work. He doesn't want to do it because he's afraid to lose.
This confuses me a bit because he's also in Running Club at school and he's working hard towards getting into the race at the Butterdome. I think he's feeling this way because running, he's good at. He can run like the wind and he's proud of how fast he can run. He's struggling with the skate skiing, so he doesn't want to even try the race. I can understand that.
He's highly competitive. Always has been. Even when he was younger, 5 and 6 years old, he'd lose some sort of "competition" and be really upset. We lost a sand castle building contest when he was 6. He was devastated. Never mind that he was doing it with his 3 year old cousin and sister, or that he was working with his artistically challenged mother. All he could see was "We Lost! No prize!" It was pretty heartbreaking to say the least, to watch my sweet 6 year old boy sob and sob as he dealt with this loss.
Later on down the road, as he was in school, sportsmanship wasn't always his strongest suit. He has to beat everyone, hands down, and he's a pretty sore winner, as well as a sore loser. I'm sad to say that. It does bug me.
But now, here we are a couple days after I started this blog (I was interrupted, as I often am) and we have figured it out.
He WILL race! Why? What changed his mind?
I talked to lots of important people in his life. Made sure that he understood that win or lose, he had many, many friends and family who backed him. I talked to his coach, I talked to his teacher, I talked to the principal in our school. All were supportive and came up with ideas in order to make this a positive experience, no matter the outcome. His teacher will provide him with a popcorn party on Monday after the races. His principal is planning on doing something special for him as well. These were the biggest motivators. A reward at the end of it all, no matter what. He's a very reward driven kid.
I'm so proud of him. Either way, this is a great experience for him. Tomorrow will be exciting.
My daughter, well, we're in a different boat with her.
Girl drama. We all deal with it as little girls, teenagers and women. It happens. It's how we approach it that makes the biggest difference to our relationships.
Olivia hates it. She gets into it, make no mistake, but she gets into it and then gets anxious and frustrated. Her tone changes, she gets snooty and rude. She's not really a snooty or rude kid. In school, she's respectful, honest, a good friend, never gets into much trouble at all. Bring her home, put her into a place with a different set of girls and immediately it can start.
It's awesome.
She's also experiencing some strong anxiety. Sometimes, the girls start the drama, she gets frustrated and angry and she lashes out, verbally. The bigger her reaction, the more they pick. It's a nasty cycle and it just gets her really anxious and frustrated. We're blessed with a wonderful aide in her class, and knowing (and understanding) what she's going through, I spoke with our aide and she's helping Olivia manage her anxiety and frustration. Part of the issue is how good she is in school. How hard she works to be the good student, good friend, good overall kid. Then she comes home and lets it loose. In some ways, this is a good thing because at least she feels safe enough to let it go, in others, it's a not so great thing because her reactions are massive and while she's totally entitled to feeling the way she does, she needs to curb the overreaction that comes from the anxiety.
So we're trying to teach her to walk away. Accept that sometimes, people, even friends, won't always treat you the way you feel you should be treated, and you need to walk away. Maybe you need to vent. That's okay too. Just be aware that sometimes words, no matter how you express them, can hurt. It's a tough lesson for a seven year old though.
Sometimes it's a tough lesson for an adult too.
Either way, I'm trying to teach my kids how to accept that sometimes we can't change everything or everyone. Sometimes, we just need to be accepting of the circumstance we are in and move forward in as positive a manner as possible. It won't always be easy and it rarely ever is fun. Most of the time, we have to fight to move forward and find a positive outcome in something negative, like losing, or walking away from a friend.
And when having ADHD, sometimes these lessons are even harder. It can be difficult to not just blurt out whatever is on our minds and let the world know we are frustrated and hurt by someone. Logan learned this lesson the hard way last spring when he expressed his frustration to another kid and the kid freaked and threw a piece of ice at him, cutting him above the eye and needing stitches. Thankfully, most lessons don't result in physical harm, but the emotional affects of words can leave some pretty deep scars.
My greatest hope is that they learn these lessons before they do hurt someone deeply with words, or even actions. And girls...well, they are the worst for saying things super hurtful and then reaping the consequences later down the road.
I don't struggle with this like I used to. After I had my own kids, I learned to prioritize and not pick on every thread I thought needed my attention. It took away stress and frustration, helped to minimize my anxiety and gave me more purpose when it came to the threads that really did need my attention. I still have my moments. My strong sense of justice and right and wrong will often pop up and I will have to fight it back and I need to step back to understand I can't fix the situation at hand; but I still give it a bit of attention. Let myself feel how I need to feel for the time needed (not the time I used to give that type of stuff...I lost a lot of time worrying about things I couldn't fix) and being proactive in the areas I CAN fix. Sometimes, when I fix a situation, I have to do it for myself so that I don't have to worry and stress over it. Sometimes, the situation is detrimental to myself and/or my family and NEEDS to be fixed. Sometimes, I need to vent it out, say what needs to be said in a safe environment, and then I'm good. I have also needed to learn where is a good and safe place to vent and who would want to listen. I know I will slip up sometimes, but once in a while is a hell of a lot better than I used to be.
I think learning acceptance is a lifelong lesson. I will never be perfect or be able to let go of everything. That's why I share here. Because then other people will know that it can be done. If someone like me, a perennial worrywart, can get to a place of acceptance, it is attainable for everyone. It might not be perfect, or easy, but at least it gives me a measure of peace I didn't have prior to my diagnosis.
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