"Good morning Fat Ass! How are you doing today? Still fat, huh? How come you can't fix that? Seriously. What's WRONG with you? You ate those chips again? Seriously? The whole bag? How DUMB are you? You know better, you know that, right?"
If you're anything like me, with extra weight on you, maybe you feel the same way. I'd say this is a pretty damn good way of expressing what's going on in my head. And it's a struggle.
It's a big, huge, ugly cycle. Nasty nasty stuff. Seriously. I don't swear much in my posts, or online in general, but if you could see what words were going through my mind right now, you'd be shocked. It's pretty blue in there sometimes.
When I was diagnosed with ADHD, my psychiatrist mentioned to me that they have found a link between obesity and ADHD. Yep. Obesity. I'm obese. Not "get me onto tv to help me lose weight" obese. I'm not fat enough for that.
Yet.
Hopefully, never.
But........
Ah. Crap. Seriously. I know better. I know I know better, and it's SO DAMN FRUSTRATING!
I'm stuck. I'm seriously, desperately, hopelessly stuck.
I'm diabetic.
I'm "chunky". I'm...flabby, fat, whatever you want to call it, but there's no nice way to put it. No nice way to think about it. No easy way to look in the mirror and think to myself "God, you look good." Nope. Can't find it. And forget the mirror when a camera comes out. There is no "good angle" for me.
I don't do resolutions. I don't do fad diets. I like things like smoothies because they taste good. I'm not even sure if they are totally healthy. I've tried Weight Watchers, I was in a therapy group, I go to dieticians, I have doctors. I KNOW what to do, how to do it.
But I won't do it.
I can't do it?
So. What's the answer? Where do I go from here? Who do I turn to? How do I fix this?
How do I fix ME?
What started this? Am I addicted to food? Is it all me? It is part of my past? What's the KEY?!
I have willpower. But not for food. I love food. I like to cook, but I hate the prep. I hate the prep because it's more time in my day I'd rather be doing something else. Or as soon as I start to prepare food, something else calls my attention. Usually important stuff.
And then there are the answers. The million, billion, gagillion answers to the weight question. There a ton of ways to do work with it. There are diets, there are exercises, there are the do's and don't's. It's overwhelming.
I'd rather just eat my chips. In peace. Alone. At night, in the dark, where I can peacefully relax after a long day with kids and life in general. Throw in some chocolate with that or cake...god, that sounds good right now.
But I can't do that. I'm not supposed to do that. I'm not allowed to do that.
There's no easy fix. I'm totally aware of that. Just like I'm aware I need to exercise more. Just like I'm aware of what I should and shouldn't eat. Just like I'm aware of everything that I do that is bad for myself. And when I DO do good for me, I just mess it up. Life gets the in way.
I'm told "do it for such and such amount of time and it will just become habit".
Oh. Really? So. Help me understand and help me get past the first such and such period of time. Help me figure out what's wrong with me FIRST before we even try to implement that period of time. Help me NOT crave those tasty, bad for me foods.
I seriously need someone in the house, helping me. Daily.
But that wouldn't work either. It would be like nagging me. I don't do nagging.
I know. I'm venting. You're probably reading this thinking:
"You're a fat chick. Get over it. Eat right and exercise. Just get over it."
Or,
"You're a fat chick. You're beautiful. You're a good person. Just get over it."
It's like having an angel and devil on my shoulder. Telling me all the good things then hearing the bad things.
Maybe the answer is to "Just get over it." Maybe I need to stop obsessing, being so hard on myself and freeing myself from the negativity and perhaps those "comfort foods" won't need to be so comforting anymore. I love salads, I love good homecooked food. I also love to over think and obsess about things I probably don't need to really worry about SO incessantly.
Huh...maybe it's just time to let go. Let go of what I think others think of me. I'm a fairly confident person overall, but when it comes to my appearance, I'm just so self conscious. Perhaps it's time to let it go and "Just get over it". Maybe it's time to stop over thinking the diets and what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, when I'm eating. Just be me.
I wrote a blog previously about acceptance. Teaching my kids acceptance and how hard it is to learn that. I've learned to accept that I can't fix everything about other people and situations. Maybe I just need to let go the self consciousness (no easy feat after 20 years of it) and then just saying "I AM a good person. I AM good to other people and now it's time to be good to ME". (Wow...I teared up typing that...seriously.)
Now. Just to figure out what being "good to ME" looks like. Without over thinking it. Without taking it to extremes and making myself more stressed and anxious.
And if you made it through this self serving, somewhat obnoxious and whiny post, thank you. It means you care enough to see where I'm going with this. And hey, if you think I'm not being good enough to myself, remind me gently. I'm okay with it.
Hopefully, soon, I will be okay with me.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Teaching (And Learning) Acceptance
This has always been a tough one for me.
Learning to accept I can't change or fix everything or anyone. I have to let go and let things slide once in a while, regardless of how it makes me feel. I can't focus on everything that I feel needs to be fixed, so I need to prioritize. This is hard. Especially for someone with ADHD and worries about everything and everyone in her life.
I'm finding with two of my kids that this could be (and has been) an issue.
Logan is in biathlon. And he's good at the shooting part. He's struggling with the skiing. Not because he can't ski, but because he needs to learn a certain technique of cross country skiing and is finding it difficult.
This weekend, there is a race. Both his dad and I think it would be a great way for him to get an idea of what a race is like and how they work. He doesn't want to do it because he's afraid to lose.
This confuses me a bit because he's also in Running Club at school and he's working hard towards getting into the race at the Butterdome. I think he's feeling this way because running, he's good at. He can run like the wind and he's proud of how fast he can run. He's struggling with the skate skiing, so he doesn't want to even try the race. I can understand that.
He's highly competitive. Always has been. Even when he was younger, 5 and 6 years old, he'd lose some sort of "competition" and be really upset. We lost a sand castle building contest when he was 6. He was devastated. Never mind that he was doing it with his 3 year old cousin and sister, or that he was working with his artistically challenged mother. All he could see was "We Lost! No prize!" It was pretty heartbreaking to say the least, to watch my sweet 6 year old boy sob and sob as he dealt with this loss.
Later on down the road, as he was in school, sportsmanship wasn't always his strongest suit. He has to beat everyone, hands down, and he's a pretty sore winner, as well as a sore loser. I'm sad to say that. It does bug me.
But now, here we are a couple days after I started this blog (I was interrupted, as I often am) and we have figured it out.
He WILL race! Why? What changed his mind?
I talked to lots of important people in his life. Made sure that he understood that win or lose, he had many, many friends and family who backed him. I talked to his coach, I talked to his teacher, I talked to the principal in our school. All were supportive and came up with ideas in order to make this a positive experience, no matter the outcome. His teacher will provide him with a popcorn party on Monday after the races. His principal is planning on doing something special for him as well. These were the biggest motivators. A reward at the end of it all, no matter what. He's a very reward driven kid.
I'm so proud of him. Either way, this is a great experience for him. Tomorrow will be exciting.
My daughter, well, we're in a different boat with her.
Girl drama. We all deal with it as little girls, teenagers and women. It happens. It's how we approach it that makes the biggest difference to our relationships.
Olivia hates it. She gets into it, make no mistake, but she gets into it and then gets anxious and frustrated. Her tone changes, she gets snooty and rude. She's not really a snooty or rude kid. In school, she's respectful, honest, a good friend, never gets into much trouble at all. Bring her home, put her into a place with a different set of girls and immediately it can start.
It's awesome.
She's also experiencing some strong anxiety. Sometimes, the girls start the drama, she gets frustrated and angry and she lashes out, verbally. The bigger her reaction, the more they pick. It's a nasty cycle and it just gets her really anxious and frustrated. We're blessed with a wonderful aide in her class, and knowing (and understanding) what she's going through, I spoke with our aide and she's helping Olivia manage her anxiety and frustration. Part of the issue is how good she is in school. How hard she works to be the good student, good friend, good overall kid. Then she comes home and lets it loose. In some ways, this is a good thing because at least she feels safe enough to let it go, in others, it's a not so great thing because her reactions are massive and while she's totally entitled to feeling the way she does, she needs to curb the overreaction that comes from the anxiety.
So we're trying to teach her to walk away. Accept that sometimes, people, even friends, won't always treat you the way you feel you should be treated, and you need to walk away. Maybe you need to vent. That's okay too. Just be aware that sometimes words, no matter how you express them, can hurt. It's a tough lesson for a seven year old though.
Sometimes it's a tough lesson for an adult too.
Either way, I'm trying to teach my kids how to accept that sometimes we can't change everything or everyone. Sometimes, we just need to be accepting of the circumstance we are in and move forward in as positive a manner as possible. It won't always be easy and it rarely ever is fun. Most of the time, we have to fight to move forward and find a positive outcome in something negative, like losing, or walking away from a friend.
And when having ADHD, sometimes these lessons are even harder. It can be difficult to not just blurt out whatever is on our minds and let the world know we are frustrated and hurt by someone. Logan learned this lesson the hard way last spring when he expressed his frustration to another kid and the kid freaked and threw a piece of ice at him, cutting him above the eye and needing stitches. Thankfully, most lessons don't result in physical harm, but the emotional affects of words can leave some pretty deep scars.
My greatest hope is that they learn these lessons before they do hurt someone deeply with words, or even actions. And girls...well, they are the worst for saying things super hurtful and then reaping the consequences later down the road.
I don't struggle with this like I used to. After I had my own kids, I learned to prioritize and not pick on every thread I thought needed my attention. It took away stress and frustration, helped to minimize my anxiety and gave me more purpose when it came to the threads that really did need my attention. I still have my moments. My strong sense of justice and right and wrong will often pop up and I will have to fight it back and I need to step back to understand I can't fix the situation at hand; but I still give it a bit of attention. Let myself feel how I need to feel for the time needed (not the time I used to give that type of stuff...I lost a lot of time worrying about things I couldn't fix) and being proactive in the areas I CAN fix. Sometimes, when I fix a situation, I have to do it for myself so that I don't have to worry and stress over it. Sometimes, the situation is detrimental to myself and/or my family and NEEDS to be fixed. Sometimes, I need to vent it out, say what needs to be said in a safe environment, and then I'm good. I have also needed to learn where is a good and safe place to vent and who would want to listen. I know I will slip up sometimes, but once in a while is a hell of a lot better than I used to be.
I think learning acceptance is a lifelong lesson. I will never be perfect or be able to let go of everything. That's why I share here. Because then other people will know that it can be done. If someone like me, a perennial worrywart, can get to a place of acceptance, it is attainable for everyone. It might not be perfect, or easy, but at least it gives me a measure of peace I didn't have prior to my diagnosis.
Learning to accept I can't change or fix everything or anyone. I have to let go and let things slide once in a while, regardless of how it makes me feel. I can't focus on everything that I feel needs to be fixed, so I need to prioritize. This is hard. Especially for someone with ADHD and worries about everything and everyone in her life.
I'm finding with two of my kids that this could be (and has been) an issue.
Logan is in biathlon. And he's good at the shooting part. He's struggling with the skiing. Not because he can't ski, but because he needs to learn a certain technique of cross country skiing and is finding it difficult.
This weekend, there is a race. Both his dad and I think it would be a great way for him to get an idea of what a race is like and how they work. He doesn't want to do it because he's afraid to lose.
This confuses me a bit because he's also in Running Club at school and he's working hard towards getting into the race at the Butterdome. I think he's feeling this way because running, he's good at. He can run like the wind and he's proud of how fast he can run. He's struggling with the skate skiing, so he doesn't want to even try the race. I can understand that.
He's highly competitive. Always has been. Even when he was younger, 5 and 6 years old, he'd lose some sort of "competition" and be really upset. We lost a sand castle building contest when he was 6. He was devastated. Never mind that he was doing it with his 3 year old cousin and sister, or that he was working with his artistically challenged mother. All he could see was "We Lost! No prize!" It was pretty heartbreaking to say the least, to watch my sweet 6 year old boy sob and sob as he dealt with this loss.
Later on down the road, as he was in school, sportsmanship wasn't always his strongest suit. He has to beat everyone, hands down, and he's a pretty sore winner, as well as a sore loser. I'm sad to say that. It does bug me.
But now, here we are a couple days after I started this blog (I was interrupted, as I often am) and we have figured it out.
He WILL race! Why? What changed his mind?
I talked to lots of important people in his life. Made sure that he understood that win or lose, he had many, many friends and family who backed him. I talked to his coach, I talked to his teacher, I talked to the principal in our school. All were supportive and came up with ideas in order to make this a positive experience, no matter the outcome. His teacher will provide him with a popcorn party on Monday after the races. His principal is planning on doing something special for him as well. These were the biggest motivators. A reward at the end of it all, no matter what. He's a very reward driven kid.
I'm so proud of him. Either way, this is a great experience for him. Tomorrow will be exciting.
My daughter, well, we're in a different boat with her.
Girl drama. We all deal with it as little girls, teenagers and women. It happens. It's how we approach it that makes the biggest difference to our relationships.
Olivia hates it. She gets into it, make no mistake, but she gets into it and then gets anxious and frustrated. Her tone changes, she gets snooty and rude. She's not really a snooty or rude kid. In school, she's respectful, honest, a good friend, never gets into much trouble at all. Bring her home, put her into a place with a different set of girls and immediately it can start.
It's awesome.
She's also experiencing some strong anxiety. Sometimes, the girls start the drama, she gets frustrated and angry and she lashes out, verbally. The bigger her reaction, the more they pick. It's a nasty cycle and it just gets her really anxious and frustrated. We're blessed with a wonderful aide in her class, and knowing (and understanding) what she's going through, I spoke with our aide and she's helping Olivia manage her anxiety and frustration. Part of the issue is how good she is in school. How hard she works to be the good student, good friend, good overall kid. Then she comes home and lets it loose. In some ways, this is a good thing because at least she feels safe enough to let it go, in others, it's a not so great thing because her reactions are massive and while she's totally entitled to feeling the way she does, she needs to curb the overreaction that comes from the anxiety.
So we're trying to teach her to walk away. Accept that sometimes, people, even friends, won't always treat you the way you feel you should be treated, and you need to walk away. Maybe you need to vent. That's okay too. Just be aware that sometimes words, no matter how you express them, can hurt. It's a tough lesson for a seven year old though.
Sometimes it's a tough lesson for an adult too.
Either way, I'm trying to teach my kids how to accept that sometimes we can't change everything or everyone. Sometimes, we just need to be accepting of the circumstance we are in and move forward in as positive a manner as possible. It won't always be easy and it rarely ever is fun. Most of the time, we have to fight to move forward and find a positive outcome in something negative, like losing, or walking away from a friend.
And when having ADHD, sometimes these lessons are even harder. It can be difficult to not just blurt out whatever is on our minds and let the world know we are frustrated and hurt by someone. Logan learned this lesson the hard way last spring when he expressed his frustration to another kid and the kid freaked and threw a piece of ice at him, cutting him above the eye and needing stitches. Thankfully, most lessons don't result in physical harm, but the emotional affects of words can leave some pretty deep scars.
My greatest hope is that they learn these lessons before they do hurt someone deeply with words, or even actions. And girls...well, they are the worst for saying things super hurtful and then reaping the consequences later down the road.
I don't struggle with this like I used to. After I had my own kids, I learned to prioritize and not pick on every thread I thought needed my attention. It took away stress and frustration, helped to minimize my anxiety and gave me more purpose when it came to the threads that really did need my attention. I still have my moments. My strong sense of justice and right and wrong will often pop up and I will have to fight it back and I need to step back to understand I can't fix the situation at hand; but I still give it a bit of attention. Let myself feel how I need to feel for the time needed (not the time I used to give that type of stuff...I lost a lot of time worrying about things I couldn't fix) and being proactive in the areas I CAN fix. Sometimes, when I fix a situation, I have to do it for myself so that I don't have to worry and stress over it. Sometimes, the situation is detrimental to myself and/or my family and NEEDS to be fixed. Sometimes, I need to vent it out, say what needs to be said in a safe environment, and then I'm good. I have also needed to learn where is a good and safe place to vent and who would want to listen. I know I will slip up sometimes, but once in a while is a hell of a lot better than I used to be.
I think learning acceptance is a lifelong lesson. I will never be perfect or be able to let go of everything. That's why I share here. Because then other people will know that it can be done. If someone like me, a perennial worrywart, can get to a place of acceptance, it is attainable for everyone. It might not be perfect, or easy, but at least it gives me a measure of peace I didn't have prior to my diagnosis.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
It's Been A While....
I suppose to say that it's been a while is an understatement. I was looking at when I blogged last and it was back in August!!! Of course, in 3 and a half months, lots of things have changed.
I can start with myself.
I'm doing well. Fell off the weight loss wagon directly into a bag of chips. I swear, they are the worst thing in the world...for me. I enjoy chips far too much. My favorite are the no salt Ms. Vickie's potato chips, with jalepeno chip dip. God. Just makes me hungry thinking of it. I am definitely a carb-o-holic. I wish there were some support group for that. Then I could go to the meetings and discuss it. I'd probably never get a long term chip or anything for not eating chips for a period of time. I'd probably leave the meeting and head right to the store to get more chips. It's that bad of a habit.
I did stop drinking diet pop. That was a big thing. I didn't stop entirely, but I don't have it in the house all the time, I don't have a bottle with me all the time. I found carbonated water. A much better alternative. Sometimes, I drink it plain and depending on the brand, that can work well. Often though, I add some Crystal Light or some other flavoring, make it a bit tastier. Either way, it quells the need for the pop. I think the carbonation helps to make my brain think I'm having a diet pop.
I'm getting back into the gym. That helps my mood and focus immensely. My husband bought me a treadmill for my birthday and while for some women that would be an insult, it was a huge help to me, especially before all my little boys were in school. If I were having a rough day, I could hop on and walk as light or as hard as I wanted. The gym is one of my favorite places because it's out of the house, away from the chores and temptation to nap. I sure do love my sleep.
I have more kids now coming everyday. I have two extras in the morning who come at 650 or so. That's made a huge impact on my sleep and my day overall. I get more done. The house is cleaner, though it will never be the perfect Pintrest home (which took some work to get over) and until we have a bigger home, it will always seem cluttered and messy. I'm okay with that now. We have all the appliances working at the same time (finally!). We needed to get a new dishwasher and my bargain hunter husband found a terrific one for only $15!!! The parts to make it fit and work cost more! There've been a few hiccups with it, but between my father in law and husband, it works great now. My dryer is fixed too and I get more laundry done in less time! It's amazing how much easier it becomes to get things done when I'm up earlier and the appliances I depend on work properly.
The ADHD is doing well. Between good sleeping, better diet (kind of...still working on that) and everything working properly, my anxiety is down and my distraction is down. I've taken up knitting again and made some lovely things, including two projects that I'm giving away this Christmas. It's exciting to find something else to do that I'm not terrible at! Of course, I'm still on medication but I haven't taken it in a few weeks and I'm thinking I'm starting to be able to cope with it on my own, medication free for a while. I'll give it a shot and see. So far, with all of the other medications I take, I'm doing well. So why add another if I don't NEED it right now?
Now, for the kids!
Logan is doing amazing. He's thriving in his new classroom and has become a leader in his group. He's had a bit of difficulty with the kids in the regular grade 5 class, because they tell him he's in the dumb class, but what many of the other kids don't realize, is that he's probably more intelligent than some of them. I'm not bragging. He's just a smart kid. He's more confident, he's not sucking his thumb anymore, which means that his anxiety is down, he's happier in his class and he tells me about it all the time. These are MASSIVE changes from last year. He's on a medication which, besides the side effects, have made his life a lot easier. He's happier, doesn't argue as much (though that's just inherent of my genes apparently...we like a good debate) and does things in a much more rapid time. When I ask him to do chore, there's not as much AWWW MOM! type behavior and even at school when he is asked to put something away, he's not getting upset anymore. It's amazing what a little confidence and self esteem with a child can do.
We've since found out that his ADHD is only part of his issues. He also has a disability where he can't take words he's read and put the idea onto paper. He can listen to the information and relate it to you easily, verbally. But he can't get it onto paper without difficulty. He's having difficulty reading but mostly in the comprehension part of things. He doesn't read as fluently as most people do, and when he reads a sentence, from the capital to the period, if it is split on the page, he doesn't get the concept of the information given.
He's doing well in math and likes it a lot. He's doing well in all other areas and that's encouraging.
I've had to make some explanation (though I know I don't have to, I want people to understand without judgement) as to why Logan is on medication. Some people believe that medication is a cure-all. That it's a way to make them sit and listen in school, follow the rules. It isn't. I can give him the medication and he can find some improvement, but what many adults seem to forget is that these kids grow up and will one day make a decision as to whether or not they want to remain on medication. In the case that he decides not to remain on medication, through therapy and the special class he's in, he will have strategies to help him maintain his attention and move forward, thus becoming successful in his life in whatever he chooses to do with his life.
He's a smart kid. He's a sweet kid. He's a compassionate, kind, loving kid. And I want him to stay that way. I'm so proud of him, it's amazing.
Olivia is doing amazing. During her parent teacher interview, basically they told us to just keep doing what we're doing. She's in the top of her class and I've been told she's "a dream to teach". Those words went right to my heart and made is soar. She's a terrific kid.
There are a few issues with her that we need to work on.
She gets anxious easily. There was a stealing incident with Logan back in October, which we nipped in the bud something fiercely. Olivia knew there was something wrong and that I was going to be very angry and she freaked out. She had to go upstairs so I could talk to Logan. It wasn't pretty. It affects her deeply.
She has also been "over achieving". She sees me talking to her brother's teachers almost every day, to see how they are doing day to day. (I'm blessed to have that option) And I've had to grab her teachers so she can see me talking to them and understands that I'm as concerned about her education and how she's doing as I am the boys. And I am concerned. I'm her mom and I want her to succeed. But I don't HAVE to talk to her teachers as much as I talk to the boy's teachers. But I've explained why I do it and her teachers understand and appreciate it.
She's a bit twitchy and shows some signs of the ADHD that appears to be in our bloodline. I'll keep an eye on her, but for the time being, she's doing fabulous and I worry less about her than the boys at this point. It could change. Girls manifest ADHD in different ways than boys, so we won't know until something comes up.
Grady.
Oh Grady Grady Grady. My little spitfire. He's an amazing little kid. So loving, so funny, so energetic. Such a hellraiser sometimes. He's in prekindergarten and he's thriving. He needed this very badly. I needed this badly. I needed the break. As a stay at home mom for ten years now, it was time for me to have some "me" time. Up until last week, though, I didn't get that time because one of my little charges didn't get into school until then.
Since he's been in school, his tantrums have lessened, his attitude towards being told no has changed for the most part and he's just more congenial. He understands that sometimes he needs quiet time and will remove himself to come for some rest. Sometimes that involves A LOT of screaming and telling the other boys he doesn't want them to follow him, but we've been able to see some big differences.
In school, he's doing well. He listens, he participates and he's ready to learn to write. His teachers think he's awesome. I've seen him in class, look a little overwhelmed and he takes a second to gather himself up and then he can get back into the flow. His teachers and I wonder if he won't wind up on the Autism spectrum to some degree. He shows signs of overstimulation in some sensory areas, but doesn't have issue with social relationships or other things that can come with Autism, so we expect he may turn up on the Aspbergers side.
All of my other kids (yeah...I've started to consider them mine to a degree) are great kids and add to our lives in wonderful ways. I have five that care for on a regular basis and I love each and every one of them. They are all so different and handle situations differently, but I find that my ADHD is a benefit when it comes to this. It keeps me open to different ways to handle situations and different ways to think about each kid and who they are as people. That's another thing adults forget. Kids are people too.
Overall, life is going right at the moment. We've had a few hits, such as illnesses (God, my body hated me for the first two and a half months of school), a loss in Jeff's family of a good man, but I can't complain. I have a great life with a marvelous husband and terrific kids.
I have more time on my hands now, so I'm hoping that I can maintain this blog better now. With my three, and the other five I care for, it gets a bit hectic and in my quiet moments, I like to enjoy the silence and not think. I think plenty during the day.
Okay. So I think it's time for breakfast.
Have a wonderful day!!! I'll probably blog more later on. I have many ideas I'm needing to get out!
I can start with myself.
I'm doing well. Fell off the weight loss wagon directly into a bag of chips. I swear, they are the worst thing in the world...for me. I enjoy chips far too much. My favorite are the no salt Ms. Vickie's potato chips, with jalepeno chip dip. God. Just makes me hungry thinking of it. I am definitely a carb-o-holic. I wish there were some support group for that. Then I could go to the meetings and discuss it. I'd probably never get a long term chip or anything for not eating chips for a period of time. I'd probably leave the meeting and head right to the store to get more chips. It's that bad of a habit.
I did stop drinking diet pop. That was a big thing. I didn't stop entirely, but I don't have it in the house all the time, I don't have a bottle with me all the time. I found carbonated water. A much better alternative. Sometimes, I drink it plain and depending on the brand, that can work well. Often though, I add some Crystal Light or some other flavoring, make it a bit tastier. Either way, it quells the need for the pop. I think the carbonation helps to make my brain think I'm having a diet pop.
I'm getting back into the gym. That helps my mood and focus immensely. My husband bought me a treadmill for my birthday and while for some women that would be an insult, it was a huge help to me, especially before all my little boys were in school. If I were having a rough day, I could hop on and walk as light or as hard as I wanted. The gym is one of my favorite places because it's out of the house, away from the chores and temptation to nap. I sure do love my sleep.
I have more kids now coming everyday. I have two extras in the morning who come at 650 or so. That's made a huge impact on my sleep and my day overall. I get more done. The house is cleaner, though it will never be the perfect Pintrest home (which took some work to get over) and until we have a bigger home, it will always seem cluttered and messy. I'm okay with that now. We have all the appliances working at the same time (finally!). We needed to get a new dishwasher and my bargain hunter husband found a terrific one for only $15!!! The parts to make it fit and work cost more! There've been a few hiccups with it, but between my father in law and husband, it works great now. My dryer is fixed too and I get more laundry done in less time! It's amazing how much easier it becomes to get things done when I'm up earlier and the appliances I depend on work properly.
The ADHD is doing well. Between good sleeping, better diet (kind of...still working on that) and everything working properly, my anxiety is down and my distraction is down. I've taken up knitting again and made some lovely things, including two projects that I'm giving away this Christmas. It's exciting to find something else to do that I'm not terrible at! Of course, I'm still on medication but I haven't taken it in a few weeks and I'm thinking I'm starting to be able to cope with it on my own, medication free for a while. I'll give it a shot and see. So far, with all of the other medications I take, I'm doing well. So why add another if I don't NEED it right now?
Now, for the kids!
Logan is doing amazing. He's thriving in his new classroom and has become a leader in his group. He's had a bit of difficulty with the kids in the regular grade 5 class, because they tell him he's in the dumb class, but what many of the other kids don't realize, is that he's probably more intelligent than some of them. I'm not bragging. He's just a smart kid. He's more confident, he's not sucking his thumb anymore, which means that his anxiety is down, he's happier in his class and he tells me about it all the time. These are MASSIVE changes from last year. He's on a medication which, besides the side effects, have made his life a lot easier. He's happier, doesn't argue as much (though that's just inherent of my genes apparently...we like a good debate) and does things in a much more rapid time. When I ask him to do chore, there's not as much AWWW MOM! type behavior and even at school when he is asked to put something away, he's not getting upset anymore. It's amazing what a little confidence and self esteem with a child can do.
We've since found out that his ADHD is only part of his issues. He also has a disability where he can't take words he's read and put the idea onto paper. He can listen to the information and relate it to you easily, verbally. But he can't get it onto paper without difficulty. He's having difficulty reading but mostly in the comprehension part of things. He doesn't read as fluently as most people do, and when he reads a sentence, from the capital to the period, if it is split on the page, he doesn't get the concept of the information given.
He's doing well in math and likes it a lot. He's doing well in all other areas and that's encouraging.
I've had to make some explanation (though I know I don't have to, I want people to understand without judgement) as to why Logan is on medication. Some people believe that medication is a cure-all. That it's a way to make them sit and listen in school, follow the rules. It isn't. I can give him the medication and he can find some improvement, but what many adults seem to forget is that these kids grow up and will one day make a decision as to whether or not they want to remain on medication. In the case that he decides not to remain on medication, through therapy and the special class he's in, he will have strategies to help him maintain his attention and move forward, thus becoming successful in his life in whatever he chooses to do with his life.
He's a smart kid. He's a sweet kid. He's a compassionate, kind, loving kid. And I want him to stay that way. I'm so proud of him, it's amazing.
Olivia is doing amazing. During her parent teacher interview, basically they told us to just keep doing what we're doing. She's in the top of her class and I've been told she's "a dream to teach". Those words went right to my heart and made is soar. She's a terrific kid.
There are a few issues with her that we need to work on.
She gets anxious easily. There was a stealing incident with Logan back in October, which we nipped in the bud something fiercely. Olivia knew there was something wrong and that I was going to be very angry and she freaked out. She had to go upstairs so I could talk to Logan. It wasn't pretty. It affects her deeply.
She has also been "over achieving". She sees me talking to her brother's teachers almost every day, to see how they are doing day to day. (I'm blessed to have that option) And I've had to grab her teachers so she can see me talking to them and understands that I'm as concerned about her education and how she's doing as I am the boys. And I am concerned. I'm her mom and I want her to succeed. But I don't HAVE to talk to her teachers as much as I talk to the boy's teachers. But I've explained why I do it and her teachers understand and appreciate it.
She's a bit twitchy and shows some signs of the ADHD that appears to be in our bloodline. I'll keep an eye on her, but for the time being, she's doing fabulous and I worry less about her than the boys at this point. It could change. Girls manifest ADHD in different ways than boys, so we won't know until something comes up.
Grady.
Oh Grady Grady Grady. My little spitfire. He's an amazing little kid. So loving, so funny, so energetic. Such a hellraiser sometimes. He's in prekindergarten and he's thriving. He needed this very badly. I needed this badly. I needed the break. As a stay at home mom for ten years now, it was time for me to have some "me" time. Up until last week, though, I didn't get that time because one of my little charges didn't get into school until then.
Since he's been in school, his tantrums have lessened, his attitude towards being told no has changed for the most part and he's just more congenial. He understands that sometimes he needs quiet time and will remove himself to come for some rest. Sometimes that involves A LOT of screaming and telling the other boys he doesn't want them to follow him, but we've been able to see some big differences.
In school, he's doing well. He listens, he participates and he's ready to learn to write. His teachers think he's awesome. I've seen him in class, look a little overwhelmed and he takes a second to gather himself up and then he can get back into the flow. His teachers and I wonder if he won't wind up on the Autism spectrum to some degree. He shows signs of overstimulation in some sensory areas, but doesn't have issue with social relationships or other things that can come with Autism, so we expect he may turn up on the Aspbergers side.
All of my other kids (yeah...I've started to consider them mine to a degree) are great kids and add to our lives in wonderful ways. I have five that care for on a regular basis and I love each and every one of them. They are all so different and handle situations differently, but I find that my ADHD is a benefit when it comes to this. It keeps me open to different ways to handle situations and different ways to think about each kid and who they are as people. That's another thing adults forget. Kids are people too.
Overall, life is going right at the moment. We've had a few hits, such as illnesses (God, my body hated me for the first two and a half months of school), a loss in Jeff's family of a good man, but I can't complain. I have a great life with a marvelous husband and terrific kids.
I have more time on my hands now, so I'm hoping that I can maintain this blog better now. With my three, and the other five I care for, it gets a bit hectic and in my quiet moments, I like to enjoy the silence and not think. I think plenty during the day.
Okay. So I think it's time for breakfast.
Have a wonderful day!!! I'll probably blog more later on. I have many ideas I'm needing to get out!
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Life in Fast Foward
Sometimes, life feels like it's moving in high speed. It doesn't feel like it's been two or three months since I last posted.
Other days, it feels like life is in slow motion and all I'm waiting for is the day to go by faster.
I don't know which days I look forward to more.
This summer has been incredible. I can't believe that in just a week, the kids will be back in school. Grady even starts next week, but only for a day. The following week, we're looking at all three kiddos in school, the older two full time and Grady in the afternoons. I'm so excited for him! He's going to have a lot of fun, I'm sure. He even already has two kids in the class he knows! My highest hopes is that he will have three friends, if his friend Alex joins the pre kindergarten class, provided there is still space for him. It will be good for both of them.
So, I suppose I could update my readers on my summer. In a word, it was awesome. Busy, so so SO busy, but incredible.
I'm taking care of two other kids daily. This has been a lot of fun. Grady has his friend who is his age, and then Olivia has hers. The family is super and the kids are almost always easy to deal with. Of course, some days aren't easy, and they are always busy with five kids, but all in all, it's kept me busy and on track for the summer. Normally by this point, I'm ready to just pull my hair out and run screaming naked down the street. This summer, it isn't nearly so bad, because with the two extra kiddos, I have to get up in the mornings at a reasonable time and my schedule and routine isn't in the same limbo it usually is in the summer. There were some adjustments, getting used to new kids in the house on a regular basis, but these two kids are good and fairly easy to cope with. There are the usual spats between every kid, one kid tattling (I could totally do without tattling...) or two kids leaving another kid out. There have been tears and few falling outs, but they always come back to being friends the next day. Even the next hour. Thank Heavens kids are so adaptable.
In the midst of taking care of these two kids, we've managed to get a lot of time out to the parks, grocery shopping, even went to the Fringe for a short time. The Fringe was ill planned, but a lesson all the same. It was incredibly hot and humid. I should have waited for a different day.
In July, we were able to take off almost two weeks, which we spent in Canmore. The first week was just chilling in Canmore, hiking, touring, relaxing. It was great. The last few days were spent at the 24 Hours of Adrenaline race that Jeff and one of our friends love to do. We had a great team, really good guys and it was fun. Except for Jeff's accident that resulted in a concussion. That wasn't so fun. But we got past that, our team still did well, qualifying even with that concussion. Jeff is a freaking machine. Takes a huge hit, bleeding from the mouth, gets back on his bike and does the entire race. He was pretty wiped out after that, and we spent some time in the Emergency Department in Canmore's hospital. The staff there were marvelous, the doctor was amazing and they had him in and out within three hours.
We came home, then life went back to "normal". We were able to spend some time out at Spring Lake with my mother in law and the kids. (Yes, I took all five) We had a blast. We all got to swim, take in a little sun, build castles and just chill out for the afternoon. I went out there a total of four times, to swap kids back and forth, and man, the next week I was blitzed. It was intense.
Otherwise, we just follow the routine, keep busy and the kids play while I do my cooking and cleaning. Or I do some time on the internet. Whatever catches my fancy.
Logan and I went to the Learning and Development Clinic at the hospital near us, and I was super impressed with the doctors and therapists there. It will be a good experience for us and give us some help in the ADHD with regards to Logan. The doctor gave me lots of good resources, some of which I will share on a future post.
So...that`s the summer as it has been. I plan to get back to blogging regularly again. I already have a few ideas, like how interesting it is being a parent with ADHD who is now parenting at least one child with ADHD. There`s a distinct possibility that I probably have two with ADHD, maybe even three. But we will cross those bridges when we come to them.
In the meantime, excuse me while I go tend to my daughter. She bashed her face on her bed and now has a nasty bump on the bridge of her nose. I think we might see some bruising soon. Poor kid.
One thing that never changes? How accident prone my family is. At least that's predictable.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
So, Now We Know
Today was a good day.
We found out that Logan does in fact have a learning disability.
I hesitate, however, calling it a "disability". It's not really a disability at all. He just learns differently when it comes to certain things. He is extremely smart, falling into above average in some areas, average in most, and below average in a couple of other areas.
As Jeff and I have suspected, he experiences difficulty in reading fluency. Once he reads paragraph or chapter, he can definitely relate the subject and comprehends the topic and words. When it comes to putting those same ideas onto paper, that's where he lacks significantly. This applies in math as well. He can get the concepts, he can get the answers, but putting it onto paper is very difficult. He has difficulty sounding out large words but after four or five times of reading that word, he will get it. It just takes him longer.
Verbally, he's above average. In our house, this shouldn't come as much of a shock. If you can't talk in my house, you're in trouble. You need to be able to relate your ideas in an articulate manner, otherwise, you might find yourself left behind in the conversation. All three of my kids are articulate, intelligent and think for themselves. Unless I tell them what to think...sometimes I have to push them in the direction I believe in...LOL
He definitely experiences difficulties in attention. He even told the ladies who worked with him that he has difficulties with it. A task that should take a few minutes can take half an hour or more to do. Putting away the dishes...that can be a 45 minute task and we have a small kitchen and a dishwasher. All he has to do is put them away. He's cut the drawers, food, some of my other kitchen utensils. He just gets a thought in his mind and does it. He requires more breaks and times to wander a bit. It helps to break away from a task that is causing frustration and move to a different place to think of something else while the brain absorbs the information. I did this a lot on my own in school. There were many times I'd ask to go to the bathroom so that I could just wander there and back, calm my brain and get back into the task at hand. At the time, I didn't realize that was WHY I was doing it, but I knew it helped. Typical female brain in this case. Girls tend to cope differently and make up strategies easier than boys. Boys get far more frustrated and shut down. It doesn't make boys any better or worse at coping than girls, but they tend to have more difficulty developing strategies on their own. Logan has a few that work right now, so we will encourage them in the meantime.
Impulsivity. That's one he struggles a LOT with. This goes with how he speaks sometimes (swearing), ideas that pop into his head (like I said above when it comes to putting away dishes, cutting things and such) and food. If there's junk food in the house, especially candy or pop, he will sneak it and then lie when he's caught. This has been an issue for quite a while. He has stolen one time from a Walmart, but I think (hope) that we've managed to quash that impulse.
The suggestions the consultants gave me were where I thought we'd go. I think that having him in the Learning Strategies class next fall will be best. It will take him from the large classroom situation where there are too many distractions and too many kids, and put him in an environment that he can succeed in. I will have more contact with the teacher and be able to make a learning plan for him. Because he will be in a class where a majority of the kids have difficulties, there will probably be many kids who have a similar plan as well. Logan is concerned that he will be away from his friends, but therein lies one of the bigger issues. I think being away from those friends will actually help. He will still see them during recesses and such, but moving him to a different class may really be a benefit to him. I know he's skeptical of this, and it may take some adjustment, but I think by Christmas next year we will see him in a better place, both in his education and his confidence.
Logan is such a confident kid. He has a great sense of self and high self esteem and I want him to keep that. Continuing to struggle and fail will only result in the depression of both of those wonderful attributes that make Logan so Logan.
I'm going to approach with a medication free type start. What I've been finding in my talk with other adults and educators is that we forget that children with ADHD become adults with ADHD. While medication certainly has it's place, I believe that strategies and therapy are going to be the best route to success in Logan's future. If the doctors feel that the benefits will outweigh the side effects of the medication and that becomes our experience, that's fine. I don't approach health care with an "all or nothing" type of process. I want to find the balance that works best for both myself and Logan and move forward from there. I just want people to keep in mind that he will grow up and make the choice to not take the medications and that if or when he does, he will still be able to cope with the difficulties that come up with ADHD. I'm especially worried about personality changes. I know how the medications can affect how we feel, and I don't want to see that happen with Logan. He's a happy kid, rarely ever violent and a joy to be around. I don't want that to change. He has so many friends and I worry that being on medication and how it could affect his personality could be detrimental to some of his relationships.
There are most definitely natural approaches we can take in the meantime. We can investigate Omgea - 3 supplements that have been shown to help in the functioning of the brain in an ADHD person. He does sometimes have sleep issues due to his brain racing before sleep. I know how that goes as well. Melatonin has been beneficial to him in the past. We can teach his brain to learn how to focus through tasks like his mountain biking group and his biathalon. Both require him to focus on the task at hand and given that he is so happy in both activities, he will be more than likely to continue to keep his attention on that task. So when he's having trouble with math or something, we can tell him to think about biathalon and how he focuses down the sight on the air gun. There is always other alternatives like meditation, learning to focus in the moment of distraction was a huge benefit to me. Just taking the time to breathe and let the anxiety go was a massive help.
I've always known, from the day he was born, that I had a special child who was highly intelligent and capable. It's been heartbreaking to see him struggle so hard with his focus and difficulties in reading and writing. I am so happy though, that I advocated for him so strongly. I was told by one intake that they didn't consider him "bad enough" at the point we were at in the fall. All I could think to myself was "How bad does it need to be? Jail? Stealing?" I don't want that for my son. Especially a child who has such potential for success and happiness.
I don't give up on my children. I won't give up on my children. I will make sure that he has all he needs in the future. If this comes up for the other two, or whatever may come, it doesn't matter. They are what matter. Making sure that they have what they need, the support they need, the love they need. I'm not a perfect mom. I won't always be able to find the answers. I will get angry, frustrated, I will yell, cry and be mad, but it will never change how I will stand up for them.
I know that my struggles now have a purpose. Knowing how he feels...it's amazing. I told the consultants that it's like listening to them describe me. I told them how I cope with it, and they both agreed that these are strategies that could benefit Logan and that in some ways, it IS how he's coping already. He has one of the best resources in the world...me. It means that I will have to learn to cope with more as well and model that this isn't something that should hold us back, rather, be a hurdle to jump that in the long run will make us stronger.
Now. Grady's in the pre-kindergarten program at our school. Let's see where Grady takes us in the future. I get the feeling I'll be on the same path with him, just a parallel path that we will have to learn to navigate there.
One thing is for sure. My life sure isn't boring!
We found out that Logan does in fact have a learning disability.
I hesitate, however, calling it a "disability". It's not really a disability at all. He just learns differently when it comes to certain things. He is extremely smart, falling into above average in some areas, average in most, and below average in a couple of other areas.
As Jeff and I have suspected, he experiences difficulty in reading fluency. Once he reads paragraph or chapter, he can definitely relate the subject and comprehends the topic and words. When it comes to putting those same ideas onto paper, that's where he lacks significantly. This applies in math as well. He can get the concepts, he can get the answers, but putting it onto paper is very difficult. He has difficulty sounding out large words but after four or five times of reading that word, he will get it. It just takes him longer.
Verbally, he's above average. In our house, this shouldn't come as much of a shock. If you can't talk in my house, you're in trouble. You need to be able to relate your ideas in an articulate manner, otherwise, you might find yourself left behind in the conversation. All three of my kids are articulate, intelligent and think for themselves. Unless I tell them what to think...sometimes I have to push them in the direction I believe in...LOL
He definitely experiences difficulties in attention. He even told the ladies who worked with him that he has difficulties with it. A task that should take a few minutes can take half an hour or more to do. Putting away the dishes...that can be a 45 minute task and we have a small kitchen and a dishwasher. All he has to do is put them away. He's cut the drawers, food, some of my other kitchen utensils. He just gets a thought in his mind and does it. He requires more breaks and times to wander a bit. It helps to break away from a task that is causing frustration and move to a different place to think of something else while the brain absorbs the information. I did this a lot on my own in school. There were many times I'd ask to go to the bathroom so that I could just wander there and back, calm my brain and get back into the task at hand. At the time, I didn't realize that was WHY I was doing it, but I knew it helped. Typical female brain in this case. Girls tend to cope differently and make up strategies easier than boys. Boys get far more frustrated and shut down. It doesn't make boys any better or worse at coping than girls, but they tend to have more difficulty developing strategies on their own. Logan has a few that work right now, so we will encourage them in the meantime.
Impulsivity. That's one he struggles a LOT with. This goes with how he speaks sometimes (swearing), ideas that pop into his head (like I said above when it comes to putting away dishes, cutting things and such) and food. If there's junk food in the house, especially candy or pop, he will sneak it and then lie when he's caught. This has been an issue for quite a while. He has stolen one time from a Walmart, but I think (hope) that we've managed to quash that impulse.
The suggestions the consultants gave me were where I thought we'd go. I think that having him in the Learning Strategies class next fall will be best. It will take him from the large classroom situation where there are too many distractions and too many kids, and put him in an environment that he can succeed in. I will have more contact with the teacher and be able to make a learning plan for him. Because he will be in a class where a majority of the kids have difficulties, there will probably be many kids who have a similar plan as well. Logan is concerned that he will be away from his friends, but therein lies one of the bigger issues. I think being away from those friends will actually help. He will still see them during recesses and such, but moving him to a different class may really be a benefit to him. I know he's skeptical of this, and it may take some adjustment, but I think by Christmas next year we will see him in a better place, both in his education and his confidence.
Logan is such a confident kid. He has a great sense of self and high self esteem and I want him to keep that. Continuing to struggle and fail will only result in the depression of both of those wonderful attributes that make Logan so Logan.
I'm going to approach with a medication free type start. What I've been finding in my talk with other adults and educators is that we forget that children with ADHD become adults with ADHD. While medication certainly has it's place, I believe that strategies and therapy are going to be the best route to success in Logan's future. If the doctors feel that the benefits will outweigh the side effects of the medication and that becomes our experience, that's fine. I don't approach health care with an "all or nothing" type of process. I want to find the balance that works best for both myself and Logan and move forward from there. I just want people to keep in mind that he will grow up and make the choice to not take the medications and that if or when he does, he will still be able to cope with the difficulties that come up with ADHD. I'm especially worried about personality changes. I know how the medications can affect how we feel, and I don't want to see that happen with Logan. He's a happy kid, rarely ever violent and a joy to be around. I don't want that to change. He has so many friends and I worry that being on medication and how it could affect his personality could be detrimental to some of his relationships.
There are most definitely natural approaches we can take in the meantime. We can investigate Omgea - 3 supplements that have been shown to help in the functioning of the brain in an ADHD person. He does sometimes have sleep issues due to his brain racing before sleep. I know how that goes as well. Melatonin has been beneficial to him in the past. We can teach his brain to learn how to focus through tasks like his mountain biking group and his biathalon. Both require him to focus on the task at hand and given that he is so happy in both activities, he will be more than likely to continue to keep his attention on that task. So when he's having trouble with math or something, we can tell him to think about biathalon and how he focuses down the sight on the air gun. There is always other alternatives like meditation, learning to focus in the moment of distraction was a huge benefit to me. Just taking the time to breathe and let the anxiety go was a massive help.
I've always known, from the day he was born, that I had a special child who was highly intelligent and capable. It's been heartbreaking to see him struggle so hard with his focus and difficulties in reading and writing. I am so happy though, that I advocated for him so strongly. I was told by one intake that they didn't consider him "bad enough" at the point we were at in the fall. All I could think to myself was "How bad does it need to be? Jail? Stealing?" I don't want that for my son. Especially a child who has such potential for success and happiness.
I don't give up on my children. I won't give up on my children. I will make sure that he has all he needs in the future. If this comes up for the other two, or whatever may come, it doesn't matter. They are what matter. Making sure that they have what they need, the support they need, the love they need. I'm not a perfect mom. I won't always be able to find the answers. I will get angry, frustrated, I will yell, cry and be mad, but it will never change how I will stand up for them.
I know that my struggles now have a purpose. Knowing how he feels...it's amazing. I told the consultants that it's like listening to them describe me. I told them how I cope with it, and they both agreed that these are strategies that could benefit Logan and that in some ways, it IS how he's coping already. He has one of the best resources in the world...me. It means that I will have to learn to cope with more as well and model that this isn't something that should hold us back, rather, be a hurdle to jump that in the long run will make us stronger.
Now. Grady's in the pre-kindergarten program at our school. Let's see where Grady takes us in the future. I get the feeling I'll be on the same path with him, just a parallel path that we will have to learn to navigate there.
One thing is for sure. My life sure isn't boring!
Update on Life
I admit it.
I've been neglectful of my blog. I've had lots of ideas, but not as much time recently to get to putting them down.
We've had a birthday. Logan just turned 10. It's hard to believe that I have a 10 year old now. It certainly doesn't feel like he's been in my life for 10 years, it's flown by so fast. Add to it that to a certain degree I'm still in "little kid mode", and there've been some big epiphanies when it comes to Logan and how quickly he's grown up.
We've had a few set backs. Nothing we can't handle, nothing traumatic and devastating, but definitely set backs. We're flowing along fine now, but for a while, things were a bit stressful. I think that both of us have learned to let go of some worries when it comes to things we can't control and made it easier to see the solutions in the future.
We just had a wonderful weekend in the mountains. We got to stay at Jeff's parent's condo there, enjoyed a few days of hiking and I got to indulge in my photography again. It was wonderful. With staying at the condo, the costs of travelling go way down because all we needed to do pay for was a bit of food for ourselves we could cook there and gas to get there. I did learn not to listen to Jeff when it comes to hiking. A "simple family hike" all but turned out to be almost mountain climbing. In his defense, the flooding in the Canmore area where we were, altered a lot of the landscape there and that simple family hike became far more difficult.
I am now taking care of extra kids again. Always an adventure, but has been a really positive change. Grady has a friend to play with, Olivia's friend is Grady's friend's big sister, and Logan can go out after school and play with his friends. So it's a win win when it comes to entertaining the kids. Grady is exhausted at the end of the day, so getting him to bed has been a breeze. I'm in a better routine, getting more done around the house and getting the kids to the park. I've gained some weight back though, because I can't go to the gym as much. I was going to start riding again, but some cats peed in my bike trailer and then mice got into it. I sprayed the hell out of it with vinegar and rinsed it out with the hose yesterday, and though it smells like vinegar right now, I'm going to spray it down with Febreeze and hope for the best. I'd like to be back on the bike tomorrow. It's going to be a lot of work...I'm going to hurt for a while. But if I can get the weight down a bit, then I'll be happier.
I'm back to gardening. It's a wonderful way for me to relax and wind down. I get to play in the dirt, planting beautiful flowers. I have a small garden full of tomatoes, lettuce, peppers and cucumbers. It's a veritable salad in there! I have two herb gardens and I've pledged to be more consistent in using my herbs. I can't wait for them to grow and get lots of lovely fresh herbs for cooking!!
Jeff's still working like a madman up north, but his rotation changed, so we had to adjust our lives to that again. That's becoming a yearly event in the spring, his rotation changing. However, we needed the financial boost, so this isn't a bad thing. Actually, it's rather nice, because his rotations out are shorter, but it hurts the family time a bit. As always, we make it work, and it works fine for us.
Life rolls on. Everyday is something new, something else we have work with. Grady presents some challenges, but we're adjusting to him as well. He will be four next week. Mind boggling. Mr. Attitude though...we're definitely working on that one.
Olivia just sails along as always. Happy, floppy and crazy, she just skips through, playing and being a girl. I'm finding that she needs a bit more attention in regards to the fact she's a girl in between two boys. I have to carve out time for just her and I. It's a lot of fun and I look forward to watching her grow. She has such confidence and love of life. She falls a lot and looks like a walking bruise, but she gets over it and is off and running again.
Everyone grows daily, learns daily and then teaches me something I didn't know, sometimes about myself and how I have changed and grown myself.
I've been neglectful of my blog. I've had lots of ideas, but not as much time recently to get to putting them down.
We've had a birthday. Logan just turned 10. It's hard to believe that I have a 10 year old now. It certainly doesn't feel like he's been in my life for 10 years, it's flown by so fast. Add to it that to a certain degree I'm still in "little kid mode", and there've been some big epiphanies when it comes to Logan and how quickly he's grown up.
We've had a few set backs. Nothing we can't handle, nothing traumatic and devastating, but definitely set backs. We're flowing along fine now, but for a while, things were a bit stressful. I think that both of us have learned to let go of some worries when it comes to things we can't control and made it easier to see the solutions in the future.
We just had a wonderful weekend in the mountains. We got to stay at Jeff's parent's condo there, enjoyed a few days of hiking and I got to indulge in my photography again. It was wonderful. With staying at the condo, the costs of travelling go way down because all we needed to do pay for was a bit of food for ourselves we could cook there and gas to get there. I did learn not to listen to Jeff when it comes to hiking. A "simple family hike" all but turned out to be almost mountain climbing. In his defense, the flooding in the Canmore area where we were, altered a lot of the landscape there and that simple family hike became far more difficult.
I am now taking care of extra kids again. Always an adventure, but has been a really positive change. Grady has a friend to play with, Olivia's friend is Grady's friend's big sister, and Logan can go out after school and play with his friends. So it's a win win when it comes to entertaining the kids. Grady is exhausted at the end of the day, so getting him to bed has been a breeze. I'm in a better routine, getting more done around the house and getting the kids to the park. I've gained some weight back though, because I can't go to the gym as much. I was going to start riding again, but some cats peed in my bike trailer and then mice got into it. I sprayed the hell out of it with vinegar and rinsed it out with the hose yesterday, and though it smells like vinegar right now, I'm going to spray it down with Febreeze and hope for the best. I'd like to be back on the bike tomorrow. It's going to be a lot of work...I'm going to hurt for a while. But if I can get the weight down a bit, then I'll be happier.
I'm back to gardening. It's a wonderful way for me to relax and wind down. I get to play in the dirt, planting beautiful flowers. I have a small garden full of tomatoes, lettuce, peppers and cucumbers. It's a veritable salad in there! I have two herb gardens and I've pledged to be more consistent in using my herbs. I can't wait for them to grow and get lots of lovely fresh herbs for cooking!!
Jeff's still working like a madman up north, but his rotation changed, so we had to adjust our lives to that again. That's becoming a yearly event in the spring, his rotation changing. However, we needed the financial boost, so this isn't a bad thing. Actually, it's rather nice, because his rotations out are shorter, but it hurts the family time a bit. As always, we make it work, and it works fine for us.
Life rolls on. Everyday is something new, something else we have work with. Grady presents some challenges, but we're adjusting to him as well. He will be four next week. Mind boggling. Mr. Attitude though...we're definitely working on that one.
Olivia just sails along as always. Happy, floppy and crazy, she just skips through, playing and being a girl. I'm finding that she needs a bit more attention in regards to the fact she's a girl in between two boys. I have to carve out time for just her and I. It's a lot of fun and I look forward to watching her grow. She has such confidence and love of life. She falls a lot and looks like a walking bruise, but she gets over it and is off and running again.
Everyone grows daily, learns daily and then teaches me something I didn't know, sometimes about myself and how I have changed and grown myself.
Friday, April 18, 2014
My Journey - One Year Later
A year already.
Wow.
It's amazing how things can change.
Being diagnosed as having ADHD was easily one of the best things that have ever happened to me. Besides my children and my husband, this diagnosis truly changed my life.
I've been in and out of therapy and counselling for years. When my mom left my dad when I was six, I was in counselling with the counselor at my elementary school. When I was in junior high, I was close to the school counselor there as well as being a peer counselor myself. High school, I didn't see much in the way of therapy or counseling. In University, I had a psychiatrist tell me he suspected I had ADHD. Of course, I knew everything. I was 19. He was a doctor in the USA, and we all know that all they wanted to do was push pills. In my 20's I saw more counselors. It wasn't until I was 30 that things really started to move forward for me. I found a great counselor (NOT that any of the other past counselors were bad. I connected with them, I just didn't have the vocabulary to express myself) and she helped guide me in a direction which eventually took me to where I am today.
Last April, after starting the ADHD assessment process for my oldest son, I was referred to a psychiatrist for myself who would change the entire way I viewed myself. After being diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder three years prior, but not finding the root cause, this diagnosis was a huge relief. Being told that I had ADHD wasn't a shocking, devastating piece of information.
It was a freeing piece of information.
It was an explanation of why I did some of the things I did. Why I experienced such difficulties in consistency, follow through and mood. It explained my weight issues. It explained my anxiety. It explained my impulse control issues. Above all, it explained my talking. My incessant, constant diatribe that I couldn't always control. It explained all of the things that I struggled with but had no answers for. I suddenly had a path to follow, a way to seek out the resources that I would need to move forward and make my life, and ultimately, my family's lives, better.
There have been some struggles. I've stumbled, a lot. I've thought I knew what I was doing, only to find myself in a downward spiral, struggling to figure out where I went wrong. I've been able to help pull myself out of these spirals, which has become far easier than it used to be.
I've discovered things about myself that I didn't know. Or maybe I DID know, but was afraid to share or show. I found out that I like to write...well, no really, I love to write. I've thought about how I could make it work more for me in the future. My blog has really helped me to sort out my thoughts and share my journey. It's been a therapeutic manner of sharing my life and showing that adults with ADHD are misunderstood. We aren't lazy, scattered, we DO care, we want to do better, we're aware that there is something wrong, but we don't always know why or how to fix it. Sometimes, we just need a bit of understanding and leeway. Not TONS, but just a bit. Enough to take the edge off the anxiety.
I found out that I love to garden. I love taking care of flowers, plants, veggies. And I'm good at it too. It's relaxing for me in the evenings while the kids are sleeping and the world is cooling down. I go out there, water the plants, pick away any dead leaves and flowers. I can just sit, breathe, take in the world around me and let my day float away.
And gardening moves into cooking. I do love to cook. I've always known that I love to cook and bake, and I'm good at it. I enjoy trying new things, stretching my talents and sharing my food with the people in my life. If you come to my home, I will feed you. And not because I'm looking for accolades, but simply because I just want to share. I want you to be comfortable in my home, and food is a nice way to connect with others.
I've learned I'm a great communicator. I have always been able to communicate, but I was never really able to sort through some of what I wanted to say, or I was scared to say what I felt or thought, worried about being judged or making people angry. Turns out, I'm really good at communicating my thoughts and ideas to people, even difficult ones, without those repercussions. Being on our parent council has really shown me that I have a good talent for dealing with people. And the best part, I enjoy being with people, helping them, guiding them, being a leader. But not the ultimate leader...I'm not ready for being the head of anything yet. (HA)
One of the BIGGEST surprises to me has been the fact that I enjoy housework. I love the actual DOING of housework. Especially if I'm in a particularly energetic patch or my anxiety levels are high. It helps me to focus on a task and work through my thoughts at the same time. On the opposite hand, sometimes my anxiety makes me tired. Instead of feeling bad about resting and often needing a nap, I rest. Then I wake up, fresh and ready to continue on.
There have been several positive changes that have helped me think more about how I need to take care of myself.
I've lost and maintained the lost of 30lbs (give or take a lb or two). I just saw a dietician last week and she was amazed and impressed that I'd lost the 10% they like to see when it's a goal and maintained it. Even over Christmas and winter. It bodes well for how many positive changes I've made for myself. Most of the changes have become simply habit. Of course, food is still a major weakness for me. I still struggle with my junk food addiction, but I don't come down too hard on myself anymore. I tell myself that it's just for today, tomorrow will be better and time to move on. My health is better. My resting heart rate used to be in the mid-90's. I've had days where my resting heart rate has been in the high 70's and mid 80's. My blood pressure is great, my cholesterol is better than my doctors and my diabetes numbers were in the pre-diabetic levels. My 30lb weight loss was noticeable for a while, but not it's not so much, however, the benefits my overall health has reaped from these changes have been drastic and wonderful!
I thought about going back to school this coming fall, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm not 100% of my choice of career. Grady will only be in school half time, and we're going to put him into child care for the rest of it. I'll find a job and take some time for myself, being around other people and slowly coming back into the real world. I've been a stay at home mom for 10 years now. It's time for me. Perhaps after we've managed to pay off a few other debts, we can look into my going to school. Or...there are always other options. The world, quite literally, is totally open to me.
Overall, this past year has been amazing. I'm feeling marvelous and happy. People are noticing big changes and they tell me how well I'm doing. I don't need as much positive reinforcement as I used to, though sometimes, I fall back on old habits because they are comfortable. I'm learning to let those go.
I'm proud of myself. It's been a year of huge change. It's been a year of huge, positive change. I'm more patient, happier, content, consistent (though that still needs work) and more capable of controlling things that oftentimes were out of my control. I'm more aware of my mind and body, what I eat, when I sleep, who I talk to...all around more mindful of my life.
I definitely have more work to do. It's only been a year. Nobody is going to be able to give up all the habits they have cultivated for 35 years in just one year. When I feel like I haven't done enough, I look back at the last year and give myself a pat on the back and say "Look how far you've come. You still have a long way to go, but the hardest parts are over." (I just made myself tear up a bit with that one...I haven't always been good to myself. It's a big change to be able to say those things to myself.)
There will be more blogging soon. I have a couple of other ones simmering and they don't always go with the ADHD. Some of them involve my kids and how quickly they are growing. Some of them involve things I've seen and my ideas on them. Some of them might just be mindless typing. But either way, I like blogging so much, I will be doing it more.
If you've followed this blog for the past year and read it, thank you for your support. Thank you for taking the time to even read some of my rambling blogs. Thank you for being a friend, even if we've never met. Anything you want to ask me, ask me. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter and email. And I'm extremely open about my life. There are few things I won't share and ideas I have on why they are the way they are. If the way I work with things work for you, then feel free to use them!
Until the next time, stay safe, enjoy spring and be kind to one another. There's not enough of that in the world!
Wow.
It's amazing how things can change.
Being diagnosed as having ADHD was easily one of the best things that have ever happened to me. Besides my children and my husband, this diagnosis truly changed my life.
I've been in and out of therapy and counselling for years. When my mom left my dad when I was six, I was in counselling with the counselor at my elementary school. When I was in junior high, I was close to the school counselor there as well as being a peer counselor myself. High school, I didn't see much in the way of therapy or counseling. In University, I had a psychiatrist tell me he suspected I had ADHD. Of course, I knew everything. I was 19. He was a doctor in the USA, and we all know that all they wanted to do was push pills. In my 20's I saw more counselors. It wasn't until I was 30 that things really started to move forward for me. I found a great counselor (NOT that any of the other past counselors were bad. I connected with them, I just didn't have the vocabulary to express myself) and she helped guide me in a direction which eventually took me to where I am today.
Last April, after starting the ADHD assessment process for my oldest son, I was referred to a psychiatrist for myself who would change the entire way I viewed myself. After being diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder three years prior, but not finding the root cause, this diagnosis was a huge relief. Being told that I had ADHD wasn't a shocking, devastating piece of information.
It was a freeing piece of information.
It was an explanation of why I did some of the things I did. Why I experienced such difficulties in consistency, follow through and mood. It explained my weight issues. It explained my anxiety. It explained my impulse control issues. Above all, it explained my talking. My incessant, constant diatribe that I couldn't always control. It explained all of the things that I struggled with but had no answers for. I suddenly had a path to follow, a way to seek out the resources that I would need to move forward and make my life, and ultimately, my family's lives, better.
There have been some struggles. I've stumbled, a lot. I've thought I knew what I was doing, only to find myself in a downward spiral, struggling to figure out where I went wrong. I've been able to help pull myself out of these spirals, which has become far easier than it used to be.
I've discovered things about myself that I didn't know. Or maybe I DID know, but was afraid to share or show. I found out that I like to write...well, no really, I love to write. I've thought about how I could make it work more for me in the future. My blog has really helped me to sort out my thoughts and share my journey. It's been a therapeutic manner of sharing my life and showing that adults with ADHD are misunderstood. We aren't lazy, scattered, we DO care, we want to do better, we're aware that there is something wrong, but we don't always know why or how to fix it. Sometimes, we just need a bit of understanding and leeway. Not TONS, but just a bit. Enough to take the edge off the anxiety.
I found out that I love to garden. I love taking care of flowers, plants, veggies. And I'm good at it too. It's relaxing for me in the evenings while the kids are sleeping and the world is cooling down. I go out there, water the plants, pick away any dead leaves and flowers. I can just sit, breathe, take in the world around me and let my day float away.
And gardening moves into cooking. I do love to cook. I've always known that I love to cook and bake, and I'm good at it. I enjoy trying new things, stretching my talents and sharing my food with the people in my life. If you come to my home, I will feed you. And not because I'm looking for accolades, but simply because I just want to share. I want you to be comfortable in my home, and food is a nice way to connect with others.
I've learned I'm a great communicator. I have always been able to communicate, but I was never really able to sort through some of what I wanted to say, or I was scared to say what I felt or thought, worried about being judged or making people angry. Turns out, I'm really good at communicating my thoughts and ideas to people, even difficult ones, without those repercussions. Being on our parent council has really shown me that I have a good talent for dealing with people. And the best part, I enjoy being with people, helping them, guiding them, being a leader. But not the ultimate leader...I'm not ready for being the head of anything yet. (HA)
One of the BIGGEST surprises to me has been the fact that I enjoy housework. I love the actual DOING of housework. Especially if I'm in a particularly energetic patch or my anxiety levels are high. It helps me to focus on a task and work through my thoughts at the same time. On the opposite hand, sometimes my anxiety makes me tired. Instead of feeling bad about resting and often needing a nap, I rest. Then I wake up, fresh and ready to continue on.
There have been several positive changes that have helped me think more about how I need to take care of myself.
I've lost and maintained the lost of 30lbs (give or take a lb or two). I just saw a dietician last week and she was amazed and impressed that I'd lost the 10% they like to see when it's a goal and maintained it. Even over Christmas and winter. It bodes well for how many positive changes I've made for myself. Most of the changes have become simply habit. Of course, food is still a major weakness for me. I still struggle with my junk food addiction, but I don't come down too hard on myself anymore. I tell myself that it's just for today, tomorrow will be better and time to move on. My health is better. My resting heart rate used to be in the mid-90's. I've had days where my resting heart rate has been in the high 70's and mid 80's. My blood pressure is great, my cholesterol is better than my doctors and my diabetes numbers were in the pre-diabetic levels. My 30lb weight loss was noticeable for a while, but not it's not so much, however, the benefits my overall health has reaped from these changes have been drastic and wonderful!
I thought about going back to school this coming fall, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm not 100% of my choice of career. Grady will only be in school half time, and we're going to put him into child care for the rest of it. I'll find a job and take some time for myself, being around other people and slowly coming back into the real world. I've been a stay at home mom for 10 years now. It's time for me. Perhaps after we've managed to pay off a few other debts, we can look into my going to school. Or...there are always other options. The world, quite literally, is totally open to me.
Overall, this past year has been amazing. I'm feeling marvelous and happy. People are noticing big changes and they tell me how well I'm doing. I don't need as much positive reinforcement as I used to, though sometimes, I fall back on old habits because they are comfortable. I'm learning to let those go.
I'm proud of myself. It's been a year of huge change. It's been a year of huge, positive change. I'm more patient, happier, content, consistent (though that still needs work) and more capable of controlling things that oftentimes were out of my control. I'm more aware of my mind and body, what I eat, when I sleep, who I talk to...all around more mindful of my life.
I definitely have more work to do. It's only been a year. Nobody is going to be able to give up all the habits they have cultivated for 35 years in just one year. When I feel like I haven't done enough, I look back at the last year and give myself a pat on the back and say "Look how far you've come. You still have a long way to go, but the hardest parts are over." (I just made myself tear up a bit with that one...I haven't always been good to myself. It's a big change to be able to say those things to myself.)
There will be more blogging soon. I have a couple of other ones simmering and they don't always go with the ADHD. Some of them involve my kids and how quickly they are growing. Some of them involve things I've seen and my ideas on them. Some of them might just be mindless typing. But either way, I like blogging so much, I will be doing it more.
If you've followed this blog for the past year and read it, thank you for your support. Thank you for taking the time to even read some of my rambling blogs. Thank you for being a friend, even if we've never met. Anything you want to ask me, ask me. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter and email. And I'm extremely open about my life. There are few things I won't share and ideas I have on why they are the way they are. If the way I work with things work for you, then feel free to use them!
Until the next time, stay safe, enjoy spring and be kind to one another. There's not enough of that in the world!
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