Trying New Things

In the past six months, there have been so many changes.  If you've been reading my blog, you'll know most of them.  It's been a real rollercoaster, but not necessarily in a bad way.  

I've been able to focus on my weaknesses and find the solutions to them.  I've focused on my strengths and hopefully, made them stronger.  I've discovered things about myself that either I didn't know, or otherwise, forgotten.  It's been enlightening, frightening, fun and hard.  It's been a journey, and really, I'm only at the start of it.  Six months isn't very much time in the grand scheme of things.

It's been nice to be allowed to focus on my well-being, both mental and physical.  It hasn't always been easy though.  There are days that have been far easier than others, and situations that I thought I had a hold of that in the long run, I hadn't found my niche yet.  Those are okay though.  I guess, after almost 35 year of living with ADHD, I'm not going to find the magic words, pill, whatever, to make everything 'normal'.  Whatever that means.

So.  Here I am today.  Getting ready to try new things.

For the past couple months, I've kept a notebook and a day timer.  The day timer hasn't been as consistent as I'd like it to be, but I'm working on it.  I'm learning ways to manage it that will work for me.  I'm sure to some people, it will look to be somewhat obsessive in the coming weeks, but it's the only way to make certain things habit.  I have a concept of what I want and what I expect, but I also have to realize I don't live alone and the things that I expect might not always follow in line with how the rest of the people I live with attend to things.  I hope that they are willing to accept that about me as well, and try to maintain whatever it is that I set up.  I'm not asking for perfection, I'm asking for trying.  

This week, I start a new medication.  I'm excited about this.  The Concerta wasn't working for me anymore, making me jittery, irritable, just unhappy most of the time.  It wasn't very much fun.  I've since talked to other people who have taken it, and found they felt the same.  Others, it worked wonderfully for them.  I'm one of the ones that it doesn't work for.  It did for a period of time, but then it went downhill, rapidly.  This last week without the meds has been mixed.  It's been great, because frankly, I don't want to kill everyone.  That's a massive bonus...for everyone.  But I do know that as far as the focus was going, the meds were helping.  

I make it sound like medication is my end all, be all.  Trust me, it's not.  It's a tool for the time being.  I'm not sure the time period exactly, but it would sure be nice if there is an end to it.  I'm a bit worried about starting a new med, because of the side effects, but in the long run, I won't know until I try.  That's why I'm taking group therapy.  I need to learn strategies in order to eventually come off the medications.  

My group therapy is going magnificent.  It's nice to meet people who understand and in some cases, even feel very much the same as you do.  It's often hard to explain how ADHD affects me and my life.  It affects relationships, my self esteem and how I function.  I just have to find a new way of functioning.  Good thing I love to learn!

So for the time being, still on the road and trying new things.  Still finding occasional frustration, still really wishing that I didn't have to survive with ADHD.  In the long run, it's fine.  ADHD is a part of me.  It's a part of who I am and can make me a super fun person to be around.  I know that.  But it can also make me frustrating.  So...I work on the parts that can be frustrating, and keep the parts of me that are fun.  

Oh.  And I'm going to learn how to paint abstract art.  I think that will be a really fun way for me to express myself.  Perhaps I will get some of the mess in my brain onto a canvas.  It's also a brand new skill to learn, so I will have to learn patience, techniques, take my time and try different things out to make my visions come to life.  I doubt it will make much sense to others, but that's not the point.  A lot of it just comes from a desire to focus on art and how I express myself through it.  Expect to see a lot of weird things in the future.  (HA!)  And A LOT of color!  Funny how something like watching a television series can turn on a light in one's brain.  I've never seen myself as an artist, so to speak, however, recently, it's come to me that I really do have an artistic brain.  I see the world differently, and it would be a really great thing to share it with the world.  My photography, my painting, whatever way works, I sure hope it can be something worth sharing.

Spinning

I guess this is as good as any time to update everyone on what's up!

So, I am now at the six month point.

Well, more like just a bit over six months, but it doesn't matter.  I just haven't had the time to really blog recently.  

Been a busy month.  Far busier than I thought it would be.

For one, my group therapy started.  Fabulous!  I don't necessarily like the idea of others suffering with this, but it's sure nice to meet people who know what's going on in my head.  My last two therapy groups were great for that because it was very much the same.  But this group, it's so much more.  So much better.  It's wonderful to be in a room with people who get you, understand you, know how you feel and why you felt that way.  My family works very hard to understand and work with me, but unfortunately, unless they actually have this going on in their heads, they can only understand what I can explain, and not everything is easily explained.

I've had a few setbacks.  Nothing too major, but enough that they are frustrating.  The group helps with that, because I can vent about it and they understand.  They are there with me.  Or have been there.  

My medication seems to have turned on me.  I have talked before about the side effects and how bothersome they were becoming.  It never got better.  It just consistently got worse, and it wasn't a lot of fun.  Insomnia isn't a great thing to have as a mom.  Kids need me, they don't want me sleeping all the time, when they are awake.  It's a strange thing, wanting to sleep during the day, but unable to sleep at night.  Not fun at all.

Add to it the jitters.  Oh wow, the jitters.  They were brutal.  It was to the point where I felt like I had ten cups of coffee and the only way to calm down was to work out in the gym for at least an hour, up to two hours, after taking the medication.  Grady's been sick this past week, so going to the gym is out.  I won't give little babies the germs if I can help it.  So, I avoid the gym.  

Then, my sunny disposition suddenly became dark.  Irritable, cranky, just unhappy.  It was overwhelming.  

I talked to my doctors and now I will be switched.  I just have to wait for the doctor to get back to me and get things rolling again.  While the Concerta helped with focus, for sure, the side effects were just too much to bear after a while.

My weight loss part has sort of stalled.  Unfortunately, it's really easy to fall into bad habits when I'm not on the right track again.  It sounds like the medication is a quick fix, and while it is, I am using it in the meantime to help me focus so that I can take the strategies that I am learning about and make them habit.  It could come to a point where I could get off the medication, but in the meantime, it's helping.  So.  Just plod on...day by day.

I'm content, I'm happy.  I've managed to tap into areas of my life I haven't looked at in years, and that's been a wonderful epiphany.  I am going to try out painting.  I did my first painting a few days ago, and while I'm not 100% sure it's done, it was a really neat thing to try.  I have an idea for a painting I really want to do, but I want to make sure that I have things in place where I feel confident enough to do this painting.  

I've been to Grant Macewan University and I've started the ball rolling on my going back to school next fall.  I'm looking to do the Unit Clerk position and I'm really excited about it.  While I loved the idea of becoming and LPN, the work load is enormous for school and it's a two year program.  The Unit Clerk program is only 10 months and a unit clerk makes almost as much as an LPN.  So there's no reason to not try!  It could be a great opportunity to work in a field I will really enjoy, still being able to help people, but without poking them.  :)  I'm looking forward to knowing that I will be contributing financially to our family!

We officially own our own home.  Our condo is ours.  After a summer of hoops for Jeff to jump through, frustration and patience, it's ours.  It's an amazing feeling, being a "real" adult.  Now, we can move forward even more, and find a "real" house, without sharing walls with another family.  Jeff will have his garage, I will have a much bigger yard to garden in, the kids will have more space and even their own space.  

So many big things in our lives, so many huge good things.  

But it's extremely overwhelming and I'm having difficulty assimilating it all.  I'm very spinny right now, having difficulty with the medication and trying to avoid the pitfalls of my own bad habits while waiting to hear back from the doctor.  I'm mindful of what the situation is, but knowing can almost be worse, because I know there's a reason, but I don't know how to start.  I wish I could explain it more in detail, to help others understand that my brain doesn't work the same as others.  I wish that I had the words to make it seem like I'm not making excuses.  That I really have a tough time seeing through all of the fog.  That maintaining and following through are some of the biggest issues I have.  Forgetfulness is just a daily part of my life and I tend to forget even very important details.  I double check things all the time and even call appointments more than once because I'm afraid I wrote down the wrong time.  I have a notebook I carry around that has just random notes in it so that I can keep track of my thoughts.  I have a daybook to write down appointments and reminders for phone calls I need to make.  And even then, I forget to check that and miss out on it.  

My intentions are good.  Always.  I never mean to do the things I do, but they happen.  And yes, bringing it to my attention is a good thing, but sometimes, I just missed something that I shouldn't have.  I DO have a great long term memory.  But understand that sometimes, I can't take a HUGE list of things to do and might need a reminder on occasion.  It's not that I don't want to help or can't help, it's just that sometimes, I have a million other things in my mind and something falls through the cracks.  

I really do my best.  Some days, I just need a little bit more understanding.  Some days, I just need a little nudge.  I know that everyone else in the world is busy.  I truly, TRULY do.  It has little to nothing to do with my not knowing that, or being selfish.  Quite the opposite really.  I have calenders, phone, daybook, notebook.  I'm learning.  I'm compartmentalizing.  I have a gym bag, a purse and a book bag.  Each bag has a reason and each bag has something in it I need.  The gym bag is also my diaper bag.  My book bag holds my daybook, note books, work book, whatever I need for the appointments and groups I attend.  My purse has my everyday items, wallet, phone, keys, sunglasses.  You probably wonder why I don't just have one large bag for everything.  

Things get lost in the bags.  I can't carry around all of that in one bag comfortably and chase a three year old.  I don't want to haul a huge backpack to the grocery store if all I need is my wallet and keys, so my purse suffices for that.  I can't switch back and forth because then I lose important things.  While organization is a huge difficulty for me, it's a HUGE deal to me.  I need my things to literally be in a certain place, or else I get very frustrated and anxious.  I need to place an item in one spot, and find it there later.  If I don't, it's difficult for me to cope in that moment.

"Suck it up.  We all do that."

Well, I have this issue daily.  Hourly sometimes.  Depends on the day.  It can be very frustrating.

On the outside, I seem spinny, scatterbrained, disorganized, irresponsible.  But really, while I can be those ways, I am NOT those ways.  I want better.  I want to do better.  I want to be able to just get up, see the project at hand and get on to it and finish it.  I have the drive, determination and attitude for change.  I NEED to change.  And again, I'm mindful of that as well.  I don't ever want anyone to ever think that I don't want to change or that I am depressed or anything like that.  I'm VERY happy.  I'm VERY determined.  I'm VERY well supported by doctors and many family members.  

It's a struggle.  It sounds like excuses.  I know that.  Believe me, if I could reverse this and just not have these issues, I would in a heartbeat.  But I can't.  So, I will use it.  I will take these hurdles, and I will improve.  And I will get better.  I will have bad days, I will miss medication on occasion, I'll have setbacks and even fall into old habits for a period of time.

However, knowledge is power.  Knowledge means being able to move forward and make the changes necessary to make my life and the lives of the people around me better.  Make it easier for them to deal with me and my foibles.  Hopefully, people will start to understand how much I've done, how much I've changed, how much I'm aware of everything, but also know that I am not close to done.  That I have many more weeks of work to do.  Many more moments of frustration and setbacks.  

I promise one thing though.  Every single setback will bring me back a step, but I will always come back two steps further and better than I was before.  I will consistently work on myself and how I am with people.  I will take more time to recognize my weaknesses and try to make them strengths.  

Right now, I'm spinning.  Right now, I'm not in the best place.  But that's right now.  Next week, it could be a totally different time and place, and I will be in a different space.  

Two Out of Three

When I had kids, I always thought we were so blessed because they didn't appear to have anything wrong with them.  No allergies, no asthma, nothing to be alarmed over.  I didn't want to have one of those families where we had a million health issues and such.

I was wrong.  

Outside of my own issues, I never really thought that our family had any health issues that would be long lasting.  I figured I'd just be the one in the family who had to deal with all that, and if that was the case, so be it.  I'd be as okay with it as I could be.  

Today, I had to take Olivia for an allergist clinic after years of dealing with her having these long term colds and upper respiratory issues.  We thought it could be allergies, so our pediatrician sent us to this wonderful doctor.  

Last January, she had a big coughing attack, had been sick for over a month, so I took her into the Stollery Hospital.  The doctor gave her a huge amount of Ventolin, she cleared up and other than bronchitis in February, she didn't have much else go wrong with her.  The summer and spring was fabulous for her, no issues.  I started to wonder if I'd been alarmist.  I DO have that tendency.  I admit that!  :)

Today's appointment made me a bit nervous, because I thought we were now taking up an appointment that some other child could need more.  I figured she didn't have any allergies anymore, if she had them in the first place, and besides a cold, the start of the school year had been just great for her.  Far better than in the past.

As I figured, there were no allergies.  But, there are issues with her lungs.  Turns out, she has asthma.  Thankfully, it's a minor case, mostly on the outer parts of her lungs, but enough that it's causing her inflammation in her lungs to make her cough.  The inflammation holds in the virus, so she can't get better.  A cold for Olivia can last a month to six weeks, where the same could might only last a week for us.  Poor kid has suffered since she was  a baby.  She's always been prone to picking up any bug that blows through.  

Because of this, now she is on a steroid again over the winter.  Especially during cold and influenza season.  I will make sure we get her onto her Vitamin D supplement as well as a boost of extra vitamins while she takes her steroid in the morning.  I just hate to see this poor kid suffer.  She's such a happy, go lucky kid and it's a pity that she has to suffer with these colds so long.  

Two good things came from this.  First off, now we know and we have very specific information to work with.  That's a huge relief.  We aren't left with more questions without answers.  I'm so thankful for that.  Secondly, I feel better having gone.  While it's not an emergent case, at least with the knowledge we have, it will help my anxiety and she will be able to get better faster.  This is a wonderful thing.  Knowledge is power!

With Logan, we are starting to see results from my constant poking and prodding to make sure that he gets seen.  I've already talked to the development clinic regarding his situation, especially regarding the tests that are required, and they called the school directly.  Right now, this clinic doesn't have much of a waiting list, so hopefully we will start to see results very soon.  

I don't want to hear again "We just don't think he's bad enough."  You can take that comment and shove it.  He's failing tests, distracting the other kids constantly, he's disorganized, and nothing that his teacher or I are doing is improving the situation.  We are both at a loss as to what we can do to help this super intelligent, highly social and great kid move forward and meet his potential.  

So this leaves Grady.

My crazy, insane, highly intelligent, social, freak.  He's the best kid.  So smart.  He can say names of dinosaurs, he is learning daily.  He counts, easily, up to 12, not all the time, but he just does it.  There is nothing he can't learn.  School will be a huge revelation for him next fall.  He's going to be thrilled.

He's hyper, frustrating, infuriating.  He can drive me nuts.  But he's my youngest little monster, and I see so much fun in our future.  

I just need him to be "normal".  No more doctors appointments.  No more advocating, no more bugging doctors, teachers, intake people.  I just want one of the kids to experience a more "normal" lifestyle without some "chronic" condition.  

I'll take a broken arm or leg.  Something temporary.  LOL  I don't want him to get hurt... don't get me wrong.  But at least I won't have to be on top of a million different people to make sure that the kid gets all that he needs!  

However.  

If it comes to that, IF, it comes to that, I will work just as hard for Grady as I have for Logan and Olivia.  I will so everything in my power to make sure that we are able to exhaust every avenue available to us for my children's health and mental well being.  There is nothing more important.  And I will teach my children that these aren't things to dwell on.  These aren't things to keep us back.  These are just hurdles to jump.  These are just parts of us that help make us who we are, but they don't define us.  It's our responsibility to take part in our health care and keep ourselves as healthy as possible. 

So.  Two out of three.  I mean, I can handle it.  I've handled a lot worse.  

I just wish that it wasn't my kids.  Really, I wish that no kids ever have to deal with any of these types of things.  I wish that children overall never knew what it was like to deal with chronic conditions or other health issues.  I wish all kids could be healthy, have lovely, wonderful childhoods.  But, we're all human, so that's not to be.  

And I AM blessed.  I'm blessed to have three healthy, happy, smart kids.  I'm blessed to be their mom every day, regardless of how frustrating it can be.  I'm blessed to have access to all of these marvelous people who treat children with such care and dedication, in order to reduce their suffering.  I'm blessed to have a school who back me and support me.  I'm blessed to have family to lean on when these things come up.  

So while I might not be blessed to have PERFECTLY healthy children, I'm blessed in so many other ways, it doesn't even matter.  And no matter what, my pride in my kids drives me everyday, to teach them to be proud of themselves, knowing that they are perfect the way they are, no matter what the deal is.

Where are You From?

Part of the coolest thing about writing a blog is that I get to check the statistics of how many people read my blog, where they are from, how they get to my blog.  I find it super interesting.

I love meeting new people and learning about where they are from.  I also really love learning about their cultures and understand how they are different from my own country and culture.

I noticed when I was checking my stats last time that I have readers from Russia, the UK and South Korea!  Lots of people from Canada and the USA as well.

If you want to, and feel comfortable to do so, in the comments section, tell me where you are from.  It would sure be interesting!  I don't need your identity or anything, just curious where people who read this are from.

I'm always open to comments, and I will respond to them as soon as I can!

Feel free to share whatever you wish!

I Wanna Blog!

I really want to post some things, but really, I have a cold and it's driving me nuts.

Sore face, sore head, so tired!  Such is life when we are human, really, however, I am just so tired.  I'm so afraid of what my post would look like if I tried to post something serious and it came up and some rambling mess.  LOL

Of course, I think it would be a long rambling mess because my brain is a rambling mess.  

I want to blog about how it's been six months since my diagnosis and all the big changes I've had!  

I want to blog about some random stuff that's been rattling around in my head.

I want to blog about how I want to try some new things, like painting!  

I really want to blog about Logan and where we are at with him.  This is going to be quite the journey.

Two of my favorite times are coming!  Halloween and Christmas!  Easily some of my favorite times of the year.  Seeing the kids and how happy they are, and how we can get involved as a family!  

For now though, I'll take some pills, try not to tear my face off and sleep as much as I can.  Logan looks like death, Olivia is doing her Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer impression and Grady sounds like a whiny Smurf.  Nobody is really sick though.  It's just a little one, hanging around, making life a bit more difficult.  

And this virus has the most impeccable timing.  Jeff just went back to work.  LOL  

I hope tomorrow we can go to Biahalon for Logan, but if we still feel this way, we're going to chill out at home.  

It's our first cold of the school year, so we've managed to make it past a whole bunch of other bugs that others have had.  I like that a lot.  Olivia has an allergist appointment next week, but I'm not sure that anything is going to come of that anymore.  I won't be upset if it turns out she doesn't have any allergies.  I feel a bit bad that we might be keeping someone else from an appointment though.  However, I'd much rather make sure that my girl doesn't suffer from something we can help with.  The past few years have been tough on her, and figuring out the answers will be better than wondering.  

So, while this wasn't a deep, introspective blog, I have been introspective for a few weeks now and definitely have things to talk about.  However, I will spare you the blithering that would happen if I tried right now.  LOL  It's just better that way!

Hope everyone out there is doing well, feeling good and moving forward.  

Touching A Life

In the past few years, I've had the sad experience of losing people in my life who had a significant part in it.  

In my life, I have few regrets.  I am lucky that way.  My life has almost always been a lovely ride with a few bumps in it.  

I do have one regret.  And really, it's the reason that I've come to this conclusion about telling someone how much they have affected my life.

A few years ago, we lost a great family friend in our lives, Rob.  He was a strange man, but he was a wonderful man.  He always had a joke, however inappropriate, and he was always kind to me.  He was a big part in my life because he was my dad's best friend and when I was a teenager, he was my manager in the first job I ever had.  He plays in many great memories growing up, from listening to dirty jokes while my dad played crib or computer games with him, or sitting by the fire watching satellites drift past while camping.  

He died from a very long battle with cancer almost three years ago, and my deepest regret was that I never told him how much he meant to me, and how he had impacted my life.

In my very weak defence, it truly wasn't until he passed away that I had noticed that impact and how hard it was to have lost him, even after having not seen him much since I had left the Yukon.  

It took me some time, and perspective, as I worked through my own issues like the anxiety, diabetes and, most recently, the ADHD, to fully comprehend how important it is to tell people how much they mean to me.  

I also have learned that in talking to people, as long as you give your opinion from a place of love or concern, they are often receptive to accepting your own opinions as such, even if they don't want to accept it.  I believe in saying something if you feel like someone you like or love is in danger.  I can't imagine living with the regret of not saying how I felt about a situation, and if my words could have made a difference, only to see that situation turn bad.  

I believe very strongly in telling people how they have affected my life in positive ways.  I think that a person deserves to know that they have touched a life deeply, however fleeting the contact with me has been.  I've been blessed to have had moments where a person has spent just a few hours or days in my life and they have left an impression.  I've had teachers, friends, acquaintances and even passing conversations in a store, affect my life in a way that I feel like it's necessary to tell them how they have affected me.  

I don't ever mean to make someone uncomfortable with my expressions of thanks.  I deeply and wholeheartedly mean what I say to someone when it comes to my sentiments.  I certainly hope that the people who I do thank for their parts in shaping me take it as true thanks, not lipservice.  

I'm open to everyone.  As long as you treat me with respect and dignity, I will most certainly do the same.  I want to listen to your beliefs, I want to understand your culture if it differs from mine.  I love family histories and learning about a person's past and how it's shaped them.  I know my own past, which has some very negative elements, has shaped me.  And in its shaping of me, has helped me recognize my own strengths and weaknesses.  It has helped me grow as a person and use each experience in my life shape who I am today.  I refuse to take the negative things in my life, and use them for negative purposes.  I will continue to do this, and in doing so, will change over my lifetime.

And so, in my deepest regret, I was able to learn a lesson that has made it easier for me to express how people who have passed through my life have affected me and helped me grow as a person.  Some of the changes have been small, fleeting, but left a mark.  Others have been profound and left me utterly changed.  

To anyone who has left a mark in my life, helped guide me, comfort me, lift me up and push me along, I thank you.  

Almost 35 and Still Maturing

When I turned 30, I had a lot of things change in my mind and heart.  I was a mom of two beautiful kids, we hadn't really considered whether or not we would have a third yet, I was in a stable, happy marriage, and I felt relatively content.  Relatively.  I wasn't exactly what you would call healthy, in any way, mind, body and spirit, and that became a big problem.

That was when I was diagnosed with the anxiety disorder.  When Olivia wasn't quite two, I literally had a meltdown.  I couldn't take it any more.  I cried, I railed, I screamed, I just couldn't hold it in.  I would cry at the smallest provocation, especially at night when my kids were in bed, Jeff was in Fort McMurray and I just had too much time to think.  

Those weren't very good days.

I had negative thoughts in my head, some of which were often placed there by negative people in my life.  It was difficult to get out of my head.  It was difficult to see the bright side of life.  I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, even if life was going in a great direction.  The smallest hiccup would send me reeling into depression and anxiety.

I finally got help.  It was the best thing I ever did, at that time.  

I was placed on a medication that helped immensely.  I remember three weeks after taking the medication I said to my husband, "For the first time in a long time, the voices in my brain are so quiet."

My husband, always reliable for a laugh, replied to me "Do you know how crazy that sounds?"

To which I responded, "It's not like they're telling me to kill people!  I don't want to burn anything!  It's just the negativity in my mind has started to quiet."

I'm sure he muttered something trite about me being crazy, but all in all, he has always been very supportive and understanding.  

And, really, lucky.  

He would have to be.  This is a man who called me "Whaley" when I was pregnant with our children.  "Fat Chick" was another of his favorites.  When we received movie tickets for a Christmas gift and his brother and sister in law received Water Park passes, I told him "They could have given us Water Park passes as well.  I am not a big fan of the waterslides, even when I'm not pregnant.  I could have just hung around the edge while you were on them."  To which he replied, without hesitation, "Just like a beached whale!"  

As I said...he is a lucky guy.  

But, it never bothered me.  So don't read into my mental issues as being guided by Jeff.  I always knew that it was in good nature, never felt like he was judging me.  He could always make me laugh.  Much of the time, his words were often for the benefit of others in the area who could hear him.  Getting a rise out of people has been a common past time for him.  Sometimes, it works, sometimes, it doesn't, but he never lets that ruin his "fun".  And most often than not, it was he who would bring me up after being brought down by others.

Anyway, after getting onto the medication, after feeling how quiet my brain could be, or rather, how quiet my brain could be at that time, I found a wonderful counsellor.  She and I talked for many days over a series of weeks about the things that affected me and my anxiety, and how to deal with them.  

Some of my anxiety was brought on by environmental things, like a messy house.  Feeling overwhelmed with the situation at home was, and still can be, a frequent issue.  Finding things to do with my hands could often help me from eating too much out of boredom or emotions, but it wasn't ever a perfect solution.  

Another part of my anxiety came from people.  Whether they knew it or not, everyone at that point had a significant affect on how I thought of myself and oftentimes, I placed the wrong or misguided opinion into what I felt they felt.  But there were people who caused such negativity in me that I had to just cut them out.  For some people, it became a permanent situation, for others, they found their way back into my life as I learned how to handle them and how I felt I placed in their lives.  It was an incredibly freeing time for me.

As I've said in the past blogs, in April, I was diagnosed with ADHD.  This opened up a world I never knew existed for me.  It has helped me understand myself so much more, but it has helped others understand me to a degree they didn't before.  It's helped them to realize that sometimes, the things I do are not necessarily out of my control, like my talking, but that it's being overwhelmed or being in a hyper space, at least now they understand that there's a reason I'm not always as I should be acting.  

2013 has been an extraordinary year for me.  In just six short months, I've changed my perspective entirely.  I've become more confident.  I've started seeking out more intellectual outlets.  I've wanted to explore my creativity as I've never wanted to in a long time.  I'm more willing to express myself and much more capable of doing so in a much more organized manner.  I don't feel as scattered as I was before, however, I do become scattered occasionally and have difficulty controlling my frustration in the moment of being scattered.  

When I was first at my counsellor, she was surprised at that time how much I wanted to change my life and how I felt and thought.  She said that most often, it's closer to around 35, but that these types of change can happen really, at any time.

Here I am, just a few short weeks from turning 35 and I'm finding that I'm in the midst of another huge life change.  

And it's frighteningly huge.  

Personality changing huge.  

Exciting changes huge.

I sort of feel right now like I'm on the precipice of something really amazing.  I don't know exactly what it is, maybe it's a nervous breakdown.  (LOL)  But that's not really likely.  It's more like a change of perspective.  A change that can make me someone I didn't think I could become.  

I talked in my last post about finding something that I didn't realize I'd lost to the degree I had.  I miss having a creative outlet.  I don't plan to become anything larger than who I am, I don't strive for fame or anything beyond just the contentment of expressing myself.  I'm starting to wonder what other outlets there are, beyond photography.  Photography will definitely play a large role in my life, as it has in the past, but I think there are other ways for me to express myself.  

I'm blessed to know many people in the arts communities.  I know that they will all be wonderful resources to help me make the most of whatever it is I possess.  I'm excited at the chance to explore new parts of me, expressing myself in a way that even my words can't bring about.  

I'm turning 35 this year.  No other year that I can remember has held such an abundance of change.  No other year has made me take the time to look at myself and see where I can do more, for me.  Turning 20 wasn't a big deal, but my 20's held huge changes in my life.  I was married at 24, had my first baby at 25, and learned about being a "real" adult, but the journey wasn't close to complete.  Turning 30 was just a huge party for me.  I finally FELT like a "real" adult.  Now, at 35, I'm finding that I'm able to reflect more on my life, how wonderful it has been and what the future really can look like.  My family is complete and healthy, I'm changing and taking better care of myself everyday.  I'm far more mindful of even the smallest detail in my life.  I just want to enjoy life, learn new things, meet new people, have more new experiences.  

Funny how as kids, we wish to become adults.  And when we are adults we wish we were kids again.  But, I can truly say, that for the first time in a very long time, I'm very content to be an adult.  Being a kid has too many limitations.  Being an adult opens a world for us that only if we really wish to touch it, holds a plethora of opportunities that can open our eyes to many perspectives.  IF we can see past the barriers that hold us back.  There are almost always ways around those barriers, if we explore the situation fully.

I think that Life is like a buffet.  I want to try a little bit of everything, if the opportunity arises.  

Without all the calories!  

Silent Reflection

I wrote this two nights ago down on paper.  I've read it over a few times, and given that this is exactly how I was feeling in these moments, I've decided to post it here and not edit what I said.  

I hope you enjoy it.  

Rarely, I am given moments of silent reflection.  Rarer even more is how my reflection is guided by wonderful imagery on television.

I spent the past two days, literally steeped in Shakespeare, goaded on by the performances of actors that left me emotional, breathless and contemplative.

I have always love the arts.  I am a lover of good music, good words and good performances.  I listen to everyday pop music, dive into movies where thought may be left behind and lose myself in novels hastily written by authors churning out words at a remarkable pace, often to the detriment of their own talent.

Lately, I find myself reading wonderful novels written by people of great and original thought, seeking original music and watching movies that evoke emotion, thought and discussion.

My mind often yearns for the tripe we all live on, reality tv, top 40 songs, and baseless, Hollywood drivel.  This comes from constantly thinking on matters surrounding family, my own health and routine.

However, there comes a time when mindless tripe needs to be turned off and a more intelligent, thoughtful and meaningful experience is desired.  A higher form of entertainment.  A more subtle version of entertainment.

I love all forms of art.  I love music; how a heartfelt lyric can break one's heart or lift a spirit!  How a joyful melody may bring back a happy memory.  How it can push us forward.  Can make us just dance like nobody is watching!

I love written words,  I love how a simple string of words might change a person's point of view.  Stir in them a desire for change.

I love visual art,  How a person may start with a blank canvas, and create a profound work of art that can cause discussion or debate.  I love photography and the capability of the artist behind the lens to be able to capture a moment of time that can speak of a person's nature.  Or how a landscape photo can bring a viewer to that place.

I love acting.  I love great actors.  I know that there are so many talented, underrated true artists of the craft in the world.  How amazing is it to be able to take words from a page and breathe life into a character?  To take their bodies and re-create historical figures, to bring to life gods, monsters, heros and heroines?

I have been given the opportunity of living a small part of each of these mediums.  I have sung songs in choirs, even played the clarinet.  I obviously love words.  I have been blessed by the complements of my photography.  I could never draw and have often been envious of friends who possess the talent to render beautiful images from blank canvases, with ink or paint.  I have also had moments on the stage that I loved.  I have always loved losing myself in a character.  It is always freeing moment in time.

If there has always been one enduring love in my life, art has been that love.  There is a beauty in taking something from virtually nothing and creating a magic that can change people.

I never in my life felt I wold cry watching Shakespeare, but here I sat, in my living room, tears running down my cheeks, as I watched a masterful performances, finding my heart touched.  Such emotion, romance and love I have rarely seen put into a piece of art.

And that, I believe, is what a true artist, author or actor is capable of.  Evoking raw emotion.

Re-reading this and sharing it, it occurs to me that perhaps there is something in my life I am missing.  I am missing these moments that leave me awestruck and inspired.  I want to spend more time finding works of art, whether they are written, created or acted.  I think I miss this and want to be able to give this to my own children.  

I've been told many times in the past few years that if there is one thing that is missing in my life, it is probably something intellectual for myself.  Something that gives me passion and desire for more than just thoughtless entertainment.  I excuse my lack of intellectual pursuits because of lack of time, or the fact that after thinking for at least three other people I simply do not want to spend the time to delve into something deeper than what I can find on television.

I think now, it is time for me to start exploring deeper things in this world of art.  I'm not a genius, I'm not trying to be better than anyone.  Really, I just want to be be better.  I want to understand more and be able to hold conversations that include more than what was on some mindless television show.  I want to see more live plays.  I adore live acting.  I found that for the brief moments I was on the stage, it was never a more exciting moment.  A moment of vulnerability that only comes from taking a leap of faith.  The adrenaline was always heart stopping before stepping onto stage and then saying those first few words, letting go of all inhibitions that I kept inside of me at all times, and releasing that into a character.  I hated public speaking, but place me in a costume, give me my lines and let me go onto a stage and I was in my element.  

I let that all go because I felt like I didn't belong in that world.  I felt like I would never be able to live up to my own expectations, let alone those of the people around me.  I could never meet the level of talent that surrounded me.  I wonder if it's time to explore my talents again.  Perhaps not in acting, most likely not in acting...but perhaps into photography.  I have a passion for photography that I think I have lost in the last few years.  Some of it is insecurity, some of it is time.  Given now that my children are older now, not needing my presence as much as they used to, I can draw upon this desire to share what I hope I can convey through my own art.  

I'm not a photographer of people really.  I enjoy photographing the world.  I love flowers and their small differences, I love seeing drops of water on a petal or a blade of grass.  Capturing a spiders web in the sun is beautiful.  Clouds, the shapes, the textures, the colors at dawn and dusk.  Mountains and valleys, along with the different textures of the trees and foliage.  Animals and their expressions, colors.  While I'm not a huge people photographer, I love taking pictures of children as they play.  I love capturing a moment during an event where two people are talking or dancing and the expressions on their faces.  

I've been rather emotional since my weekend with Will.  I really am missing something bigger than I thought.  A larger piece of me that I hadn't known I'd let go and ignored.  And in sitting and watching true artists of their craft, actors who really believed in their parts and played them fully and with passion, left themselves vulnerable not only to themselves and their fellow actors, but to the world, drew me into this silent reflection that has brought me back to that piece I lost.  

Insecurities be damned.  It's time for me to be me.  It's time for me to find those things that will serve me better and help me continue to grow.  And I can share these experiences and these passions with my children.  I can show them that if they have a passion and a desire to follow a talent, like I am seeing with Logan and his biathalon, then they shouldn't let that go.  They need to follow that passion and move forward with it.  Whether or not they are successful and become great people in their passion doesn't mean a thing.  Just to live with their desire to pursue that talent and take it forward, that will make them successful because looking back on their lives, they won't have the regrets of losing that part of them.  

I must thank people of passion and talent who truly believe in it.  People who take the risk an put themselves out there not for the gain of money or fame, but strictly because they believe in what they are doing, saying, showing.  

Just for the simple fact of being.