Silent Reflection

I wrote this two nights ago down on paper.  I've read it over a few times, and given that this is exactly how I was feeling in these moments, I've decided to post it here and not edit what I said.  

I hope you enjoy it.  

Rarely, I am given moments of silent reflection.  Rarer even more is how my reflection is guided by wonderful imagery on television.

I spent the past two days, literally steeped in Shakespeare, goaded on by the performances of actors that left me emotional, breathless and contemplative.

I have always love the arts.  I am a lover of good music, good words and good performances.  I listen to everyday pop music, dive into movies where thought may be left behind and lose myself in novels hastily written by authors churning out words at a remarkable pace, often to the detriment of their own talent.

Lately, I find myself reading wonderful novels written by people of great and original thought, seeking original music and watching movies that evoke emotion, thought and discussion.

My mind often yearns for the tripe we all live on, reality tv, top 40 songs, and baseless, Hollywood drivel.  This comes from constantly thinking on matters surrounding family, my own health and routine.

However, there comes a time when mindless tripe needs to be turned off and a more intelligent, thoughtful and meaningful experience is desired.  A higher form of entertainment.  A more subtle version of entertainment.

I love all forms of art.  I love music; how a heartfelt lyric can break one's heart or lift a spirit!  How a joyful melody may bring back a happy memory.  How it can push us forward.  Can make us just dance like nobody is watching!

I love written words,  I love how a simple string of words might change a person's point of view.  Stir in them a desire for change.

I love visual art,  How a person may start with a blank canvas, and create a profound work of art that can cause discussion or debate.  I love photography and the capability of the artist behind the lens to be able to capture a moment of time that can speak of a person's nature.  Or how a landscape photo can bring a viewer to that place.

I love acting.  I love great actors.  I know that there are so many talented, underrated true artists of the craft in the world.  How amazing is it to be able to take words from a page and breathe life into a character?  To take their bodies and re-create historical figures, to bring to life gods, monsters, heros and heroines?

I have been given the opportunity of living a small part of each of these mediums.  I have sung songs in choirs, even played the clarinet.  I obviously love words.  I have been blessed by the complements of my photography.  I could never draw and have often been envious of friends who possess the talent to render beautiful images from blank canvases, with ink or paint.  I have also had moments on the stage that I loved.  I have always loved losing myself in a character.  It is always freeing moment in time.

If there has always been one enduring love in my life, art has been that love.  There is a beauty in taking something from virtually nothing and creating a magic that can change people.

I never in my life felt I wold cry watching Shakespeare, but here I sat, in my living room, tears running down my cheeks, as I watched a masterful performances, finding my heart touched.  Such emotion, romance and love I have rarely seen put into a piece of art.

And that, I believe, is what a true artist, author or actor is capable of.  Evoking raw emotion.

Re-reading this and sharing it, it occurs to me that perhaps there is something in my life I am missing.  I am missing these moments that leave me awestruck and inspired.  I want to spend more time finding works of art, whether they are written, created or acted.  I think I miss this and want to be able to give this to my own children.  

I've been told many times in the past few years that if there is one thing that is missing in my life, it is probably something intellectual for myself.  Something that gives me passion and desire for more than just thoughtless entertainment.  I excuse my lack of intellectual pursuits because of lack of time, or the fact that after thinking for at least three other people I simply do not want to spend the time to delve into something deeper than what I can find on television.

I think now, it is time for me to start exploring deeper things in this world of art.  I'm not a genius, I'm not trying to be better than anyone.  Really, I just want to be be better.  I want to understand more and be able to hold conversations that include more than what was on some mindless television show.  I want to see more live plays.  I adore live acting.  I found that for the brief moments I was on the stage, it was never a more exciting moment.  A moment of vulnerability that only comes from taking a leap of faith.  The adrenaline was always heart stopping before stepping onto stage and then saying those first few words, letting go of all inhibitions that I kept inside of me at all times, and releasing that into a character.  I hated public speaking, but place me in a costume, give me my lines and let me go onto a stage and I was in my element.  

I let that all go because I felt like I didn't belong in that world.  I felt like I would never be able to live up to my own expectations, let alone those of the people around me.  I could never meet the level of talent that surrounded me.  I wonder if it's time to explore my talents again.  Perhaps not in acting, most likely not in acting...but perhaps into photography.  I have a passion for photography that I think I have lost in the last few years.  Some of it is insecurity, some of it is time.  Given now that my children are older now, not needing my presence as much as they used to, I can draw upon this desire to share what I hope I can convey through my own art.  

I'm not a photographer of people really.  I enjoy photographing the world.  I love flowers and their small differences, I love seeing drops of water on a petal or a blade of grass.  Capturing a spiders web in the sun is beautiful.  Clouds, the shapes, the textures, the colors at dawn and dusk.  Mountains and valleys, along with the different textures of the trees and foliage.  Animals and their expressions, colors.  While I'm not a huge people photographer, I love taking pictures of children as they play.  I love capturing a moment during an event where two people are talking or dancing and the expressions on their faces.  

I've been rather emotional since my weekend with Will.  I really am missing something bigger than I thought.  A larger piece of me that I hadn't known I'd let go and ignored.  And in sitting and watching true artists of their craft, actors who really believed in their parts and played them fully and with passion, left themselves vulnerable not only to themselves and their fellow actors, but to the world, drew me into this silent reflection that has brought me back to that piece I lost.  

Insecurities be damned.  It's time for me to be me.  It's time for me to find those things that will serve me better and help me continue to grow.  And I can share these experiences and these passions with my children.  I can show them that if they have a passion and a desire to follow a talent, like I am seeing with Logan and his biathalon, then they shouldn't let that go.  They need to follow that passion and move forward with it.  Whether or not they are successful and become great people in their passion doesn't mean a thing.  Just to live with their desire to pursue that talent and take it forward, that will make them successful because looking back on their lives, they won't have the regrets of losing that part of them.  

I must thank people of passion and talent who truly believe in it.  People who take the risk an put themselves out there not for the gain of money or fame, but strictly because they believe in what they are doing, saying, showing.  

Just for the simple fact of being.