Spinning

I guess this is as good as any time to update everyone on what's up!

So, I am now at the six month point.

Well, more like just a bit over six months, but it doesn't matter.  I just haven't had the time to really blog recently.  

Been a busy month.  Far busier than I thought it would be.

For one, my group therapy started.  Fabulous!  I don't necessarily like the idea of others suffering with this, but it's sure nice to meet people who know what's going on in my head.  My last two therapy groups were great for that because it was very much the same.  But this group, it's so much more.  So much better.  It's wonderful to be in a room with people who get you, understand you, know how you feel and why you felt that way.  My family works very hard to understand and work with me, but unfortunately, unless they actually have this going on in their heads, they can only understand what I can explain, and not everything is easily explained.

I've had a few setbacks.  Nothing too major, but enough that they are frustrating.  The group helps with that, because I can vent about it and they understand.  They are there with me.  Or have been there.  

My medication seems to have turned on me.  I have talked before about the side effects and how bothersome they were becoming.  It never got better.  It just consistently got worse, and it wasn't a lot of fun.  Insomnia isn't a great thing to have as a mom.  Kids need me, they don't want me sleeping all the time, when they are awake.  It's a strange thing, wanting to sleep during the day, but unable to sleep at night.  Not fun at all.

Add to it the jitters.  Oh wow, the jitters.  They were brutal.  It was to the point where I felt like I had ten cups of coffee and the only way to calm down was to work out in the gym for at least an hour, up to two hours, after taking the medication.  Grady's been sick this past week, so going to the gym is out.  I won't give little babies the germs if I can help it.  So, I avoid the gym.  

Then, my sunny disposition suddenly became dark.  Irritable, cranky, just unhappy.  It was overwhelming.  

I talked to my doctors and now I will be switched.  I just have to wait for the doctor to get back to me and get things rolling again.  While the Concerta helped with focus, for sure, the side effects were just too much to bear after a while.

My weight loss part has sort of stalled.  Unfortunately, it's really easy to fall into bad habits when I'm not on the right track again.  It sounds like the medication is a quick fix, and while it is, I am using it in the meantime to help me focus so that I can take the strategies that I am learning about and make them habit.  It could come to a point where I could get off the medication, but in the meantime, it's helping.  So.  Just plod on...day by day.

I'm content, I'm happy.  I've managed to tap into areas of my life I haven't looked at in years, and that's been a wonderful epiphany.  I am going to try out painting.  I did my first painting a few days ago, and while I'm not 100% sure it's done, it was a really neat thing to try.  I have an idea for a painting I really want to do, but I want to make sure that I have things in place where I feel confident enough to do this painting.  

I've been to Grant Macewan University and I've started the ball rolling on my going back to school next fall.  I'm looking to do the Unit Clerk position and I'm really excited about it.  While I loved the idea of becoming and LPN, the work load is enormous for school and it's a two year program.  The Unit Clerk program is only 10 months and a unit clerk makes almost as much as an LPN.  So there's no reason to not try!  It could be a great opportunity to work in a field I will really enjoy, still being able to help people, but without poking them.  :)  I'm looking forward to knowing that I will be contributing financially to our family!

We officially own our own home.  Our condo is ours.  After a summer of hoops for Jeff to jump through, frustration and patience, it's ours.  It's an amazing feeling, being a "real" adult.  Now, we can move forward even more, and find a "real" house, without sharing walls with another family.  Jeff will have his garage, I will have a much bigger yard to garden in, the kids will have more space and even their own space.  

So many big things in our lives, so many huge good things.  

But it's extremely overwhelming and I'm having difficulty assimilating it all.  I'm very spinny right now, having difficulty with the medication and trying to avoid the pitfalls of my own bad habits while waiting to hear back from the doctor.  I'm mindful of what the situation is, but knowing can almost be worse, because I know there's a reason, but I don't know how to start.  I wish I could explain it more in detail, to help others understand that my brain doesn't work the same as others.  I wish that I had the words to make it seem like I'm not making excuses.  That I really have a tough time seeing through all of the fog.  That maintaining and following through are some of the biggest issues I have.  Forgetfulness is just a daily part of my life and I tend to forget even very important details.  I double check things all the time and even call appointments more than once because I'm afraid I wrote down the wrong time.  I have a notebook I carry around that has just random notes in it so that I can keep track of my thoughts.  I have a daybook to write down appointments and reminders for phone calls I need to make.  And even then, I forget to check that and miss out on it.  

My intentions are good.  Always.  I never mean to do the things I do, but they happen.  And yes, bringing it to my attention is a good thing, but sometimes, I just missed something that I shouldn't have.  I DO have a great long term memory.  But understand that sometimes, I can't take a HUGE list of things to do and might need a reminder on occasion.  It's not that I don't want to help or can't help, it's just that sometimes, I have a million other things in my mind and something falls through the cracks.  

I really do my best.  Some days, I just need a little bit more understanding.  Some days, I just need a little nudge.  I know that everyone else in the world is busy.  I truly, TRULY do.  It has little to nothing to do with my not knowing that, or being selfish.  Quite the opposite really.  I have calenders, phone, daybook, notebook.  I'm learning.  I'm compartmentalizing.  I have a gym bag, a purse and a book bag.  Each bag has a reason and each bag has something in it I need.  The gym bag is also my diaper bag.  My book bag holds my daybook, note books, work book, whatever I need for the appointments and groups I attend.  My purse has my everyday items, wallet, phone, keys, sunglasses.  You probably wonder why I don't just have one large bag for everything.  

Things get lost in the bags.  I can't carry around all of that in one bag comfortably and chase a three year old.  I don't want to haul a huge backpack to the grocery store if all I need is my wallet and keys, so my purse suffices for that.  I can't switch back and forth because then I lose important things.  While organization is a huge difficulty for me, it's a HUGE deal to me.  I need my things to literally be in a certain place, or else I get very frustrated and anxious.  I need to place an item in one spot, and find it there later.  If I don't, it's difficult for me to cope in that moment.

"Suck it up.  We all do that."

Well, I have this issue daily.  Hourly sometimes.  Depends on the day.  It can be very frustrating.

On the outside, I seem spinny, scatterbrained, disorganized, irresponsible.  But really, while I can be those ways, I am NOT those ways.  I want better.  I want to do better.  I want to be able to just get up, see the project at hand and get on to it and finish it.  I have the drive, determination and attitude for change.  I NEED to change.  And again, I'm mindful of that as well.  I don't ever want anyone to ever think that I don't want to change or that I am depressed or anything like that.  I'm VERY happy.  I'm VERY determined.  I'm VERY well supported by doctors and many family members.  

It's a struggle.  It sounds like excuses.  I know that.  Believe me, if I could reverse this and just not have these issues, I would in a heartbeat.  But I can't.  So, I will use it.  I will take these hurdles, and I will improve.  And I will get better.  I will have bad days, I will miss medication on occasion, I'll have setbacks and even fall into old habits for a period of time.

However, knowledge is power.  Knowledge means being able to move forward and make the changes necessary to make my life and the lives of the people around me better.  Make it easier for them to deal with me and my foibles.  Hopefully, people will start to understand how much I've done, how much I've changed, how much I'm aware of everything, but also know that I am not close to done.  That I have many more weeks of work to do.  Many more moments of frustration and setbacks.  

I promise one thing though.  Every single setback will bring me back a step, but I will always come back two steps further and better than I was before.  I will consistently work on myself and how I am with people.  I will take more time to recognize my weaknesses and try to make them strengths.  

Right now, I'm spinning.  Right now, I'm not in the best place.  But that's right now.  Next week, it could be a totally different time and place, and I will be in a different space.