That was when I was diagnosed with the anxiety disorder. When Olivia wasn't quite two, I literally had a meltdown. I couldn't take it any more. I cried, I railed, I screamed, I just couldn't hold it in. I would cry at the smallest provocation, especially at night when my kids were in bed, Jeff was in Fort McMurray and I just had too much time to think.
Those weren't very good days.
I had negative thoughts in my head, some of which were often placed there by negative people in my life. It was difficult to get out of my head. It was difficult to see the bright side of life. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, even if life was going in a great direction. The smallest hiccup would send me reeling into depression and anxiety.
I finally got help. It was the best thing I ever did, at that time.
I was placed on a medication that helped immensely. I remember three weeks after taking the medication I said to my husband, "For the first time in a long time, the voices in my brain are so quiet."
My husband, always reliable for a laugh, replied to me "Do you know how crazy that sounds?"
To which I responded, "It's not like they're telling me to kill people! I don't want to burn anything! It's just the negativity in my mind has started to quiet."
I'm sure he muttered something trite about me being crazy, but all in all, he has always been very supportive and understanding.
And, really, lucky.
He would have to be. This is a man who called me "Whaley" when I was pregnant with our children. "Fat Chick" was another of his favorites. When we received movie tickets for a Christmas gift and his brother and sister in law received Water Park passes, I told him "They could have given us Water Park passes as well. I am not a big fan of the waterslides, even when I'm not pregnant. I could have just hung around the edge while you were on them." To which he replied, without hesitation, "Just like a beached whale!"
As I said...he is a lucky guy.
But, it never bothered me. So don't read into my mental issues as being guided by Jeff. I always knew that it was in good nature, never felt like he was judging me. He could always make me laugh. Much of the time, his words were often for the benefit of others in the area who could hear him. Getting a rise out of people has been a common past time for him. Sometimes, it works, sometimes, it doesn't, but he never lets that ruin his "fun". And most often than not, it was he who would bring me up after being brought down by others.
Anyway, after getting onto the medication, after feeling how quiet my brain could be, or rather, how quiet my brain could be at that time, I found a wonderful counsellor. She and I talked for many days over a series of weeks about the things that affected me and my anxiety, and how to deal with them.
Some of my anxiety was brought on by environmental things, like a messy house. Feeling overwhelmed with the situation at home was, and still can be, a frequent issue. Finding things to do with my hands could often help me from eating too much out of boredom or emotions, but it wasn't ever a perfect solution.
Another part of my anxiety came from people. Whether they knew it or not, everyone at that point had a significant affect on how I thought of myself and oftentimes, I placed the wrong or misguided opinion into what I felt they felt. But there were people who caused such negativity in me that I had to just cut them out. For some people, it became a permanent situation, for others, they found their way back into my life as I learned how to handle them and how I felt I placed in their lives. It was an incredibly freeing time for me.
As I've said in the past blogs, in April, I was diagnosed with ADHD. This opened up a world I never knew existed for me. It has helped me understand myself so much more, but it has helped others understand me to a degree they didn't before. It's helped them to realize that sometimes, the things I do are not necessarily out of my control, like my talking, but that it's being overwhelmed or being in a hyper space, at least now they understand that there's a reason I'm not always as I should be acting.
2013 has been an extraordinary year for me. In just six short months, I've changed my perspective entirely. I've become more confident. I've started seeking out more intellectual outlets. I've wanted to explore my creativity as I've never wanted to in a long time. I'm more willing to express myself and much more capable of doing so in a much more organized manner. I don't feel as scattered as I was before, however, I do become scattered occasionally and have difficulty controlling my frustration in the moment of being scattered.
When I was first at my counsellor, she was surprised at that time how much I wanted to change my life and how I felt and thought. She said that most often, it's closer to around 35, but that these types of change can happen really, at any time.
Here I am, just a few short weeks from turning 35 and I'm finding that I'm in the midst of another huge life change.
And it's frighteningly huge.
Personality changing huge.
Exciting changes huge.
I sort of feel right now like I'm on the precipice of something really amazing. I don't know exactly what it is, maybe it's a nervous breakdown. (LOL) But that's not really likely. It's more like a change of perspective. A change that can make me someone I didn't think I could become.
I talked in my last post about finding something that I didn't realize I'd lost to the degree I had. I miss having a creative outlet. I don't plan to become anything larger than who I am, I don't strive for fame or anything beyond just the contentment of expressing myself. I'm starting to wonder what other outlets there are, beyond photography. Photography will definitely play a large role in my life, as it has in the past, but I think there are other ways for me to express myself.
I'm blessed to know many people in the arts communities. I know that they will all be wonderful resources to help me make the most of whatever it is I possess. I'm excited at the chance to explore new parts of me, expressing myself in a way that even my words can't bring about.
I'm turning 35 this year. No other year that I can remember has held such an abundance of change. No other year has made me take the time to look at myself and see where I can do more, for me. Turning 20 wasn't a big deal, but my 20's held huge changes in my life. I was married at 24, had my first baby at 25, and learned about being a "real" adult, but the journey wasn't close to complete. Turning 30 was just a huge party for me. I finally FELT like a "real" adult. Now, at 35, I'm finding that I'm able to reflect more on my life, how wonderful it has been and what the future really can look like. My family is complete and healthy, I'm changing and taking better care of myself everyday. I'm far more mindful of even the smallest detail in my life. I just want to enjoy life, learn new things, meet new people, have more new experiences.
Funny how as kids, we wish to become adults. And when we are adults we wish we were kids again. But, I can truly say, that for the first time in a very long time, I'm very content to be an adult. Being a kid has too many limitations. Being an adult opens a world for us that only if we really wish to touch it, holds a plethora of opportunities that can open our eyes to many perspectives. IF we can see past the barriers that hold us back. There are almost always ways around those barriers, if we explore the situation fully.
I think that Life is like a buffet. I want to try a little bit of everything, if the opportunity arises.
Without all the calories!
No comments:
Post a Comment