Change is good. I know that. Well, positive change is good. Moving forward is the most important thing we can do. But sometimes, to learn about how to move forward into the future, we need to look at the past.
Only, I'm not totally impressed with my past. Certain elements of it, I see with guilt and shame.
I have made some huge changes. Great changes. I've managed not only things in my mind, but I'm starting to take control of my environment. It's never been fun watching people around me, living their lives and doing things that are so easy, but I struggle with all the time. It was frustrating, depressing, and self esteem crushing.
In the past two weeks, things really have changed dramatically. They haven't been minute changes that I just noticed now, but changes that some days I am like "WOW! Where did THAT come from?"
Grady is cuddling with me more. That's because I'm less irritable. Logan is trying harder. I think that's because I'm more encouraging (not that I wasn't before, but I wasn't always patient with him). Olivia is really content and happy with the new organization that I've implemented. Really, all three are. They aren't totally impressed with tidying up everyday, but over time, we will work that out.
I feel guilty. I feel ashamed of myself in the past. I know I had a right to be irritable and frustrated, impatient and angry, SOME TIMES, but now I realize that I was probably like that more than I was happy. Unfortunately, I was able to hide that outside, while in our home, I wasn't always the most pleasant to be around. It's hard to admit that. But, in order to change, and make it so that I am not repeating those bad habits, I have to admit that I screwed up, see it for what it is, leave it in the past and move forward.
I know that because of my lack of organization and my lack of consistency, I made it difficult for my kids to succeed in school. I just couldn't keep a bead on it. Another thing to feel bad about. Another thing to learn from.
I'm terribly worried about losing this momentum. I'm worried about going back to the way it was. I'm worried because I've done stuff like this before. I've started projects, cleaning, tossing, sorting, then suddenly, it just stops. And then it goes back.
Jeff came home last night and he was so happy to see how much work I've done in the house. It was so gratifying to know that he could come home and just relax. I love how that felt. I love how happy he was. I told him today how worried I am about not keeping it up. He said that he thinks this time, it will last. I asked him why.
He said to me that I've never done this before. In the past, I've taken small steps, done a small amount of work, but never to this degree. Never this consistently, thoroughly. He does wonder why I need so much affirmation. The only answer I have to that is be told enough times how bad you are at something, when a person does well at something, they need that positive reinforcement to keep moving forward.
I'm not lazy. I'm really not. The only problem is, I just never knew how to keep it going. I had a tough time finding places for things and then putting them there afterwards. I got frustrated easily when I saw a big project and didn't know where to start.
I think there are people I know who are just waiting for me to fall on my face. They are saying to themselves "Yeah yeah, we've heard this all before." Again, totally fair. I know that nobody would say it to my face, but those people are out there, skeptical of my new motivation and just waiting for it to fall apart. But I admit, this time, I feel differently about all of this. It FEELS different. I certainly hope nobody ever thought I LIKED living in a disorganized disaster. I certainly didn't. It was stressful for everybody. If I ever thought it didn't stress everyone in the house out, I would say that I am lying. The changes I've seen in my family in just this short time is incredible. The hard part for me is realizing how much impact I had on my family.
It's really okay now, but until I see this lasting a lot longer, I think I'll be more skeptical of my progress than other people are. I'm going to be harder on myself than anyone else could be. I know it's not fair, but I don't know how else to deal with it right now. I do what I can, give myself positive reinforcement and then move on. In order to do that, I have to, in essence, nag myself to do something. It doesn't sound very pleasant, but it's working. It's a reminder to keep moving forward. Keep making those positive changes that are making not only me happy, but my family as well.
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