In life, we all have negative things happen to us. Much of the time, we allow those negative things that happened to us define who we are. We come from a broken home, so it only follows to reason that we would get into relationships and then when we get divorced, it was just meant to happen. Seriously, why wouldn't it? It's just to be expected, right?
A person has a mental disorder, a learning disorder, a chronic illness. So then, we just fall into the trap of seeing ourselves that way, as perhaps weak or stupid, and we present ourselves to the world that way.
We allow these negative things to define us and our futures. We allow them to define our choices. We then use them as excuses to justify that behaviour.
We can wish that it didn't happen. It doesn't change the fact that it happened. It doesn't change the fact that it's now a permanent part of us. It doesn't change the fact that we need to work towards overcoming the negative feelings it has left on our psyches. It doesn't change the fact that it will color our future choices and lives. Wishing it away doesn't change the past. It just makes it more difficult to move forward while we dwell on the past and wonder "what if?".
I've had these bad moments. I've had these negative situations. My parents divorced when I was six and my mom left us. I grew up without a mom. She was an addict and alcoholic, making promises she rarely, if ever, delivered on. It wasn't easy. I had a cousin abuse me when I was younger as well. I've had my trust broken in incredibly hard ways. They were devastating to my mind and heart.
In school, I had many friends from many different social groups. However, I had horrible self esteem issues. My grades were awful, despite being very smart and capable. I was bullied incessantly, both by friends and bullies. Being completely non-confrontational, I allowed it to happen, and rarely stood up for myself I endured this from grade 3 until I graduated. Unfortunately, in order to make myself feel better, I sometimes adopted a "get them before they get me" strategy, making fun of other kids. I always felt terrible about it later on. I have an incredibly strong conscience. I never felt good after doing anything mean or against the rules afterwards. Thankfully, I didn't do it often. My conscience wouldn't have never let me live it down.
I was incredibly lucky. I had a wonderful group of adults in my life who helped me deal with all of the things that happened to me. I had a strong support network, unlike so many other kids who deal with these situations. It's a sad fact that too many people lack that support desperately needed in difficult times.
However, I had something else.
I have a strength in me that has always served me well. I have a way of thinking that helped me on occasion. I have a very strong sense of justice, compassion and loyalty. It's true I spent much of my time worrying about people and how they felt. I worried about what they thought of me. I worried about fitting in. It led me to some difficult situations, but somehow, I always managed to come out of them, knowing I'd made the right choice. It wasn't ever easy, but I managed to skim through childhood with more good, than bad, memories.
I've taken the things that have happened to me, and allowed them to shape me, color my decisions and guide me through life. I have not, however, allowed them to define me. I refuse to fall into any one mold in life, worrying about the past and how I could have changed it.
I don't live with "what ifs?".
I live with a purpose. I live with a strong sense of who I am and what I want to project to the rest of the world. I want to share these things about myself. I want people to know that while negative things happen in life, we don't need to dwell on them, let them define our way of thinking. I want people to understand that while they can't change the past, they can use the past in a positive way, even negative situations.
Now, I have ADHD. I deal with it on a daily basis. All I see is promise now. All I see is a way of understanding I didn't have before April. I don't ever wish that I hadn't gotten this diagnosis. I take it, knowing full well that it won't be an easy life, knowing that there will have to be changes in how I think and how I want others to see me. I know that I need to be the best example I can be for Logan and showing him that he doesn't need to go through what I did. That he has so much potential to go so far in life, but he won't have it as easy as others might. He needs to understand there is nothing in this world we can't overcome in some capacity, otherwise, it will smother us and hold us back.
I don't wish I didn't have ADHD. I don't wish that my mom had stayed while we grew up. I don't wish that my cousin hadn't abused me. I don't wish that I hadn't been bullied.
...Anymore. I used to. It caused me far too much anxiety.
If those things hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have this fabulous life, full of happiness and contentment. I wouldn't have my beautiful children. I wouldn't have married such a wonderful, understanding and supportive man. I wouldn't have the friends I have, the family I have, the home I have.
Because of the negative things in my life, and how I've chosen and learned to live with them, I'm right where I should be. I can't say that I don't wish that I didn't know how it had felt to have been through these things, but I can honestly say that partially because of them, I'm where I should be. They are parts of my life that I have had to absorb and accept. I don't have to like them, but I can accept them. They are parts of my life that have made me stronger, more capable, more resilient.
I have used these situations in the past to help make choices in life that make my life better. Because of my parent's divorce, I made the decision to pick the man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, take my time and be sure of it. Because my mom left us, I wanted to always make sure to never take from my children what was taken from us. Because I know of the history of addiction and alcoholism in my family's past, I make sure not to get into situations where it could be a problem. Because of my school history, I make sure that my kids aren't bullied or become bullies. Because of my ADHD, and how it affected my schooling, I will make sure that my children don't experience what I did. Because of being abused by my cousin, I make sure to feel completely comfortable around their babysitters, think about who I'm allowing to stay in my home, who I want to leave my children alone with at anytime.
I'm not cynical. I still trust people. I still want to see the inherent good in people. I'm not paranoid or hyper-vigilant. I still want to have friends and be a good friend. If one of my biggest bullies ever came to town and wanted to go to coffee, I would. If an old friend comes to town, I never turn them away. I don't hate anyone, even if they hurt me deeply. I take from it the lessons needed and treat them accordingly. I don't bother with hate or despising someone. That just holds me back and weighs me down. I forgive, but forgetting is another matter. It's always possible to be a part of my life again, but there's a bit more work by that person needed for that trust to develop again.
Simply, I want to be happy, and dwelling on the past is a huge detriment to my happiness. It's not easy to learn these lessons and put them into practice, but it's so worth it. To just learn to let go and accept life as it comes, taking each situation, negative or positive, and taking the lessons from it and move forward.
The past can never change, but I can.
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