I Wish I Had The Words

I wish I had the words to express how I'm feeling right now.

I wish I had the words to express how my brain works, and help everyone understand it.  

I wish I had the words to express how scared I am of failing.

I wish I had the words to express how much that fear of failing motivates me to do more, do better.

There are many things I wish I could say.  I will try to do it, to put it down and prove that things are changing.  NOT that thing have CHANGED.  Those small letters at the end of "change" are very distinct and show how I've changed my own thoughts.

Motivation was always a hard concept.  Well, perhaps not motivation but finding the way to start and finish a project.  Usually, the motivation was there, but it was so hard to the start, maintain the work and finish it.  I always had ideas, always had intentions, always knew there was something missing, or wrong.  It was frustrating.  Incredibly frustrating, really.  Anything could be a distraction.  I could walk into a room, start something, my intentions to get through it all, then find myself in another room, working on another project.  Rarely did anything ever get finished.  I just blamed it on motivation, drive, ambition.  Even I never understood what was going on.

I did maintain one thing.  An "all or nothing" way of thinking.  I recognized the mess.  I saw that it needed to be cleaned up.  I knew that it wasn't normal.  That *I* wasn't "normal".  I was missing something that seemed so easy for other people.  It has been hard for me to feel pride in my home, my parenting, myself.  I wanted that pride;  of course I did, but if I couldn't get it all done in a day, why bother?  I wasn't going to follow through and finish it anyway.  And besides, the problem, whatever it was, was so huge, there was no way to get it all done at once.  I needed to be nagged, which drives me nuts, I needed to be reminded, which drives me nuts, I needed to be hassled and made fun of, which made me feel even worse.  

I recognized backhanded comments.  I knew that I wasn't the perfect homemaker.  I knew there was no such thing as the perfect homemaker.  It didn't mean that I didn't want to be the perfect homemaker.  It's not like when I made the kids tidy up, I was on the couch eating bon bons and ordering them around.  Normally, I was in the kitchen or other room, cleaning frantically as well, because Jeff was coming home or someone was coming over.  I apologized every single time someone came to the house.  Obviously, this isn't healthy thinking.  This isn't good for me because I bring myself down.  I make it a huge deal, when really, if I just did something a little bit at a time, or did a chore before it got to be a big deal, then it was far easier and there was less frustration.

"Ah.  But you knew that.  So why didn't you do it?"

Good question.  It's taken me a long time to find an answer, for which I have no words that I can really explain it without it sounding like I'm making excuses.  There really was a block.  A huge block.  A "Why bother trying" block.  A "nobody will keep it up" block.  It was incredibly frustrating.  

So, here I am today.  And I've accomplished SO much.  More than I can even tell anyone about.  Besides the physical examples of my work, there has been a big change in my own brain.  I'm also finding that I'm more able to keep the negative thoughts back.  My anxiety is almost nil lately, my irritation is way lower than normal, I'm seeing huge changes in my brain and my life.  

I'm feeling pride.  Immense pride.  Knowing that I've made these changes, on my own!  It hasn't been easy.  There have been some huge stumbling blocks.  HUGE!  I started this journey with my ADHD group, thinking that there would be immediate, huge epiphanies.  Or rather, not thinking it, but hoping for it.  I knew there would be work, but I didn't realize how much of my MENTAL issues affected my PHYSICAL world.  It was a huge deal to figure it out.  And it took a while.  I'm six weeks into this group and finally, I'm working past the mental side of it, applying what I've learned into my life and finding that there's ways for me to work, it's made me feel fabulous.  

Behind it though, there's that little voice.  That little voice that tells me "You won't keep it up."  "You've done this before, and nothing changed."  "Why bother?  Nobody else is going to maintain it."  It's scary, because those words can be true.  I have done this in the past, and nothing changed.  I got tired of nagging everyone to put things where I put them.  I have a very strong history of not maintaining these changes.  So, what's changed now?

Well, I want a more organized life.  I WANT it.  I NEED it.  I'm desperate for these changes.  I need to have my family healthy and happy.  I need my kids to know and understand how to care for their own homes in the future.  I know things are going to get busier in the future and I don't want to spend my life cleaning and worrying.  I want to LIVE MY LIFE!  I want to go for ski vacations with my family, not worrying about the state of the house when I get home.  I want to go away to visit my family and come home to a tidy home, just putting away what we took with us and keep things this way.  I want the kids to be able to find what they want to play with.  I want to be able to keep an eye on what they play with and what they don't play with, in order to keep the clutter down.  I want to be the best example I can be for my kids.  I want to show Logan that we can live with ADHD and while we will struggle, we can find ways to work with it and overcome it.  I want to show Olivia that even when I struggle with something, I'm a strong enough woman to get past it and make my life better.  When it comes to Grady, I don't know yet.  I just want him to pee in the potty!!  Then life would be just about perfect!!!

I know I'm going to falter.  I know I will fail.  I know I will stumble and things will come off the rails again.  However, I also know that with the changes I'm implementing now, while I can maintain it, that when things DO go off the rails, and they WILL, it won't be SO bad that I can't get back onto the rails and it won't take me weeks to do it.  It's not so scary anymore.  

The toy situation was a HUGE job.  I've donated a few bags of toys in the past few years, but I estimate, I had somewhere around 10 years of toys in my home.  This doesn't come from a hoarding issue.  Some of it came from not wanting to throw out things from my children's pasts.  Some of these toys had memories behind them.  The same goes for clothing.  Perhaps an important relative gave them to us and I just couldn't think to get rid of them.  Often, I felt like I had to ask before getting rid of them.  But in reality, most people give the gifts at a certain age and understand that the kids will grow out of them and I will have to donate or get rid of them.  Sometimes, it was really a guilt thing.  I have done the same thing with birthday cards.  It's only been the past few years that I've started to realize that it's OKAY to get rid of some things.  I can hold onto items like handmade gifts:  sweaters, blankets, ect.  I hate seeing those types of things in thrift stores.  I know that there's a ton of work that goes into those special items, and I loathe to get rid of those.  Thankfully, we don't have so many that it's unmanageable.  And my kids love their "Grandma blankets" and eye spy quilts. More often than not, when we go away for an overnight, at least one of those quilts comes with us.  

Next job?  The clothing.  This is a pretty massive job as well.  That's a massive job because it's one I rarely finish.  I have baby clothing mixed in with everything.  I've donated lots of items, five bags alone last week.  I always joke about "Mount Laundry".  I would go for days, just washing and drying clothing, bringing it upstairs, and leaving it.  It can get to be enormous.  As I've been sorting toys in the basement and such, I've also been washing and drying laundry, rebuilding "Mount Laundry".  The difference this time?  I have a viable goal.  I'm hoping, that this "Mount Laundry" will be the last one.  That's an exciting thought.  Of course, the "Mount" may rise again one day, but for the time being, this feels like the end of a big job.  

At this point, I feel great.  I'm thinking more clearly.  I'm forgetting things less.  I'm taking more time to assess a situation and figure out the way to make it work.  I'm learning to adjust my thinking to the situation.  All around, things are just easier.  The best part about it is, it's because *I* did this.  I wanted to make these changes and I am making them daily.  Some of them are just teeny changes.  A thought, or something small, like hanging a jacket up everyday.  I'm becoming more consistent.  The kids aren't as worried about where Mommy is coming from next.  I'm far more coherent and capable.  I can make goals and follow through in a meaningful way.  I am making more realistic goals.  

So what if it took me four days to get through the toys?  Life happens.  Yesterday, I had a gong show of a morning.  I had to take Olivia to a birthday party, then take Logan to biathalon.  There were some time crunches, so I worried that I'd have to do it all alone.  I was lucky to have family recognize it wasn't possible and offered to help.  But in amongst all of that, Grady refused to get dressed, Logan's jacket zipper broke, I got stuck in some deep snow at the biathalon range, and my toiled flooded.  And those were the major things.  I drove for two straight hours pretty much yesterday and never really went anywhere.  In the past, those types of days would just paralyze me afterwards.  I'd be tired and overwhelmed, then nothing else would get done.  

It didn't happen yesterday.  Sure, the morning sucked.  But that was fine.  I took a break after I got home, and then got back to work.  The result?  My basement is tidier than it's been in MONTHS.  It's manageable.  Laundry was getting done, toys were finally starting to leave my living room.  

Today, the toys have been (for the most part) placed into the areas I want them to be in.  I've started new rules regarding the toys and the kids are already following those rules, with the exception of Grady.  But he's three.  Once he watches the other kids work, get it put away, he will start to understand and hopefully pitch in.  I know chores aren't fun.  If I could do it all for them, I would, but in the long run, that doesn't help them.  

Everyday is full of change.  Everyday I learn something new, whether it's about myself or the world around me.  I crave learning in so many ways, but I never really craved learning so much about myself before this past April.  It hasn't been easy.  I would never say that.  I've struggled many times, moved forward and then fallen back.  I've learned though, how to bring myself forward again, then take a lesson from that experience and apply it to the situation next time.  

I know that there are many people in my life who probably doubt my abilities.  That's fair.  It really is.  I'm okay with it.  I ask for one favor though.  If you are doubting me, I accept it, but don't necessarily tell me so.  Right now, a "good job" or "wow, it looks great" is pretty much all I need.  Just understand that some of these things are out of my control and I'm working very hard to learn how to control them.  I'm not making excuses, I'm not using ADHD as a crutch.  It's something in my brain, something nobody can see.  It's a reason to be a bit more understanding though.  Just know, that there are going to be days I will go back to old habits, but I'm working really hard to establish and maintain new habits.  

ADHD doesn't just apply to having difficulties in school.  It applies to everyday life.  Just doing dishes can be an incredibly difficult job to face.  There are so many things that I've had to learn about myself, that it's really felt like I've had to learn how to live, think and be happy again.  

So, day by day, step by step, I push through.  We're encouraged to find a reward system for ourselves.  A way to make each task end with a positive note.  Mine has been the feeling of pride and happiness in a job well done.  In sitting in my living room feeling accomplished.  In knowing I don't have to wake up and immediately feel horrible for how cluttered my house is.  I'm sleeping better, even.  Hearing my husband talk about how good it looks and seeing him relax when he is home is incredibly rewarding.  Watching my kids have fun with their toys and play with their friends, such a wonderful reward.  

I've been saying a lot of the time "onwards and upwards".  Just repeating it, even though sometimes it didn't feel that way.  Now, it definitely feels that way.