Observant.
I try to be. I'm not always great at it, but I try hard to be as observant as possible. Sometimes, I'm right, sometimes, I'm very wrong. I can "read" people, to a certain degree. I can read between the lines most of the time. I miss things, just like everyone else. I'm not Sherlock Holmes (my most recent obsession, thanks BBC), I can't tell what you had for breakfast at dinnertime after looking at the stain on your shirt. Unless it's really really obvious. In which case, I might ask. Then you'll tell me...then I'll know.
But there have been many moments where I've met a person for the first time and certain impressions they've made have left me with distinct ideas as to who they are and some of their past. Many times, I've been right. What can I say? It's a gift.
It's a crappy gift sometimes though. Because it means that oftentimes, I have some idea of how someone feels about me. That's not always fantastic. It's not their fault. It's a facial expression, a tone in a voice, it's body language. They don't know they are doing it, most of the time. There have been times it's hurt more than if someone just came out and said something mean. At least I know where I stand there. Otherwise, I just have guesses, and with my brain, it can sometimes go far further than it actually is.
Now, having said that, it's not like I'm tooting my own horn here. I'm just stating what happens to me. I think we all have this capacity, some of us are just not as attuned to it as others. Some of us are just so into ourselves (whether for a good reason or not) that we just miss those cues.
The reason I'm talking about this is because twice in the past while, complete strangers have noticed something about me that I didn't always know I was doing, or even that I did it. Sometimes I did it on purpose, because I have a plan, other times, it was just so random, that even I didn't realize it.
Okay. So it's a totally mundane, everyday chore. Grocery shopping.
We go up and down the aisles, some of us have lists, some of us don't. Some of us follow the way the store is set up, aisle by aisle, some of use randomly shoot to each department we need. I'm the up and down type. If I don't need something, I'll skip that aisle. But most of the time, for the big shopping trips, I go down each and every aisle, making sure there's something I didn't miss on my list.
Anyway, I get to the till and I start to unload my groceries. I have a tendency of taking each item and placing them on the belt with similar items. Fruit and veggies stay together, cereals, anything canned, bottled. On and on. It's just a habit. I do it so that when it's bagged, certain things, like say, laundry detergent, is all together and I don't have to search bags for something. Sounds a bit obsessive, I know, but I do it.
A few weeks ago, I was out shopping and at Superstore, as we all know, those of us who shop there, we have to bag our own groceries. It's something I will do partially because of my weird little obsession and also because I don't mind paying less and bag my own groceries. It's a small inconvenience, unless of course, Grady is in a foul mood. Then it sucks. But I manage. Anyway...I digress (as usual). I was bagging my groceries, fighting with whichever kid I had with me, and this lovely gentleman started helping me bag my groceries. I thanked him profusely. It was then that he said "You're welcome, but I hope you don't mind, I don't understand your system and I just want to help you bag your stuff."
My system? Oh. That. Right. Didn't even know I'd done it. But someone else had noticed it and it surprised me.
Today, it happened again. A cashier at the till at Walmart recognized that I had everything all neat and organized and was shocked when I told her how DISorganized my house was. But I had fun with it and it does really make it easier when I come home with groceries. Most of the time, I can guess which bag something is according to what else is in the bag.
It got me thinking. So, if I do this so mindlessly, why can't I be more mindful of it in my day to day life? Why can't it be so automatic as it is at the grocery store? Are there less distractions? Is it because everything is already organized in a certain way in the store and I place them into my cart that way? I don't think that's always the case. I know that there are times I will make space for a specific item to go with another to make sure they get bagged together, or at least close by.
Part of my biggest struggles with having ADHD come down to organization and consistency. Part of the problem in my home is lack of storage space. Besides the closets in our bedrooms, there are no dedicated closets in the rest of the house. I don't have a linen closet, for instance. I don't have a spot for sheets, pillow cases, extra blankets. So it winds up taking up space in the kid's closets or my own closet. Kind of frustrating when we have limited space.
"So, throw some stuff out."
For sure. That's a great idea and one that I definitely do. However some of the items I want to keep are items that someone took the time to make for the kids when they were born. I don't want to lose those quilted or knitted blankets. I want the kids to have those when they get older. That's super important to me. I only have very few sheets for the beds in our house, partially because of space issues, and partially because of costs. Sheets can be damned expensive!
I've donated, tossed and recycled lots of stuff, yet I don't think that I have kept on it the way I should. That's okay. It's part of what I want to get done in the future, especially before we move to a "real" house. I'm so excited for that part! I can't WAIT to have a linen closet. Man...how domestic am I?
Overall, I know that there is an issue with organization. I'm highly aware of it. My sister offered to help me out by bringing in someone who can clean my house for my birthday but I had two realizations. First off, cleaning my house at this point, like a real deep cleaning, wouldn't be a good idea because the floors are being redone, the walls are being repainted, there's going to be a lot of things done that will either undo all that work, or else make it a waste of money, once the carpets are up. Secondly, and probably most importantly, I have to learn how to do this on my own. Having someone come in and do it for me, or at least help me when they are being paid, probably wouldn't help me in the long run. I have to learn to make and keep new habits and while I'm DEEPLY appreciative for the offer, I really am, I just think that if I'm going to keep moving forward and making the changes that are so desperately needed for my future, then it was an offer I had to turn down.
I bet you're a mom, who works or stays home and is thinking "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?" I know, it sounds like the best offer ever. And it is! It truly, truly is!! After I turned her down, I had to take a look back and really think as to why it wasn't something that I thought was best. Believe me. Even I was shocked at my words as I was saying them.
Well, honestly, my organizational skills are one of those weaknesses I really need to work on in order to be successful in the future. With school coming up next year, I need to learn organizational skills for that. Once I'm working, I don't want to be facing a terribly messy home every single weekend because not only have I not learned the skills needed to maintain a clean, organized home, but I've left a terrible example for my kids. Why should they clean if I don't show them I know how to?
Today left me with an interesting observation. And something to really look at soon. Tomorrow, I have my group. I definitely will be bringing this up as an observation that others have seen in me. I find it infinitely interesting and I'm really anxious to see what others in my group, or the doctor who runs it, has to say about this. It could really lead to good things.
I have an organizational utopia that I picture in my head. I doubt that will ever be the case in this particular home, but perhaps in our new house, in the future, it will become a reality.
Now. How to get everyone else to follow along with it! HAHAHA
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