Discoveries

It's the middle of December and we're coming to the end of another year.  

And as always, I find myself reflecting on the year and thinking about how it went for me, my children and my husband.  It's something I've done since I was a teenager.  I'm not entirely sure where it comes from, but it's become such habit, now I do it unthinkingly.

Looking back on this year, I've seen myself making a ton of discoveries.  Some of them not so great but most of them wonderful.  These discoveries have translated into some really big changes.  

Because I've been sharing for the better part of  a year now, and my brain won't allow me to stop thinking about this, I thought perhaps writing down what I've discovered about myself, my family and how it's changed us in the last year, might take it off my mind.

When I started this blog, when my diagnosis first came about, I had no idea of what was to come.  I had no idea of the direction my life would take.  I had no idea the decisions I'd make and how they would affect my life, and in turn, the affect they would take on my family.  I truly did not appreciate how much I affected others.  I think I believed that most people just wrote me off and ignored me for the most part.  I didn't realize how wrong that was.

My first major discovery was the ADHD.  I couldn't believe how free I felt, just knowing what was going on in my head.  Suddenly I had an answer to a whole variety of questions I'd had about myself.  It answered so many questions that others had asked me in the past.  It just gave me a different perspective on me, my brain and how I function.  Or, rather in some cases, why I had such difficulty functioning in certain areas of my life.  It helped me understand myself so quickly, and then, when I had more information, I could pass that on to others around me and in turn, help them understand me better.  Immediately, there were changes.

Immediately, however, there were more questions.  My anxiety rose.  Now what do I do? was probably the most pertinent question.  I truly had no idea where to start.  That's where I'm so thankful for the doctors and therapists I was introduced to and had access to over the summer and fall.

The first group therapy I took was an anxiety group.  I learned how to manage my anxiety.  I learned why things bugged me so much.  I learned how to take the worries of the moment, place them in a different spot for a period of time, just breathe and then  move forward, either fixing the issue if it could be fixed, or just letting those ones that can't be fixed go.  The group was filled with lessons that I knew about, but didn't know how to put into practice.  Over time, I became proficient in letting irritation go, letting anxiety go and just being in the moment.  It's helped me in parenting, everyday life and looking towards the future where I know there are big changes coming.  Because of this group, life doesn't seem as overwhelming anymore.  

The second group I took was about health, weight loss and food.  Always always always skeptical about weight loss, I went in with as open a mind as I could muster.  Some of the topics we dealt with, I was highly aware of, given my past with diabetes, dieticians and doctors.  Others, I had no idea about and came out of that group feeling empowered and much more mindful of what I eat.  This group centered around finding one's happy weight.  The weight where they are comfortable with themselves, feeling healthy and happy.  We were never told that we COULD NOT eat something.  We were given alternatives, given additions to help us feel fuller longer, given ideas of how to prepare and cook our meals.  It was an eye opening experience, and not one I'll soon forget.  It wasn't like going to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig.  There was no pressure, no judgement, no need for guilt.  It was open, honest and clear.  

My third group was my ADHD group and beyond a shadow of the doubt, the most life changing group of them all.  It was in this group I made my biggest discoveries about myself.

I discovered that because of my ADHD, it makes me more observant.  This is a benefit and drawback all at the same time.  It benefits me because I can take more in and I'm capable of "multitasking" (which is a bit of a misnomer, but for a lack of a better word, this gives you an idea of what I mean).  It means that jobs where some people might have difficulty with multiple tasks, I probably excel at.  My last job I had before I had Logan, I did two jobs in my store, and it took two people to replace me.  And I loved that job.  I loved that I could do both positions, sometimes doing both jobs in the same day.  It was a challenge and fun for me.  It was a real source of pride for me.  However, being very observant makes life difficult when there is so much to see and do; I become overwhelmed.  Being overwhelmed makes me cranky and irritable, difficult to deal with at that time.  I can't concentrate on anything and then I miss things that are important.  In school was where I struggled most with that.  I want to do better, KNEW I could do better, but there was always something distracting me, something better to do, someone to talk to.  I was a big daydreamer.  As soon as it wasn't interesting to me anymore, I tuned right out.  

I discovered I'm a great organizer.  And not only that, I really like to organize.  I knew this to a certain degree before all of this, but because I'd organize only to have it all destroyed in days, I just thought I was awful at it.  That's not even a bit true.  I'm actually quite good at it, enjoy it and find peace and contentment in the end result.  I like knowing where everything is, how to find it.  I hate trying to get out the door and not knowing where my keys, cell phone, whatever I need in that moment are.  It drives me almost to tears.  The same can go for not being able to find things important to me in that moment.  Piles of clutter really do upset me.  But, instead of trying to look for it, or clean up, I would immediately become upset and just give up on the spot.  Now, that's not the case.  I can find things when I need them.  I find myself excited for a new house because I know that we will have far more space for storage, and I will be able to find everything because it will be where I placed it, labelled in its bin, ready for me to find.  

I discovered why I became so irritable at the kids.  This isn't a source of joy for me, in particular, but it is a relief to figure it out.  I have such difficulty in a regular moment of chaos (which is pretty normal in my home) that when I did get a moment to concentrate on something, usually the tv, or even my blog, then I'd get really upset and yell.  A lot.  Since I've calmed down and don't get as frustrated and it's easier for me to concentrate, I don't get as angry and irritated.  Grady spends more time with me, cuddling and talking to me and I just revel in those moments.  Logan is doing far better in school and Olivia is just generally happier with the situation.  It's a source of guilt for me at the moment, but I'll figure that out as time goes on.  

I've discovered I'm far more capable than I thought I was.  I've manged to get into the basement and clean up all the kids toys.  This was an enormous job and took me close to a week.  Between the kids toys and the clothing (they wound up going hand in hand due to the location of the toys) we donated a dozen bags of toys and clothing to Good Will, as well as several larger toys the kids never play with.  It felt so good to do something for someone else.  There are items in those bags that I know will make someone happy.  

I've discovered I have talents.  I'm good with words, so a blog seemed like a good way to express myself.  I have no idea what it does for others, but I know for me, it makes my brain a little less cluttered.  I have a personal journal as well, for the more personal topics I want to get out of my brain, especially if I need to express frustration in an individual and I don't want them to feel bad about it.  Some of my frustration isn't their fault, but my own perceptions in the moment, so putting it down and evaluating it helps a lot.  I am a good photographer.  Not remotely the best ever, but definitely I have a talent there.  My confidence is rising rapidly, and perhaps one day I will get around to selling my work.  I found a talent in gardening.  It made me feel so calm and relaxed.  In the evenings, especially after hot days, I went outside, enjoyed the cooling air, the darkness and watered my flowers and herbs.  After a day of dealing with three kids and all of their friends, I truly enjoyed the peace and quiet.  I liked going out to pick off old buds, trim off leaves to make them grow a bit better.  I liked researching different flowers and marveling at nature and how resilient it was.  

I've discovered self esteem.  I don't say re-discovered because I'm not entirely sure that I really had all that much self-esteem.  Part of my new found positive sense in myself comes from the inside.  Giving myself credit for the work I have done, the changes I've made in my world, and the continuing work I do to make things even better.  The changes don't even have to be large ones.  Just remembering for a long period of time to hang up jackets and put away boots, and I give myself a pat on the back.  Another part of my rise in self esteem comes from others around me.  They notice the changes, they notice I'm happier.  At my sister's wedding, I was complimented so many times on how good I looked, I started to wonder if I should be modelling or something!  Of course, that isn't the case, but overall, it was magnificent to be told how wonderful I looked.  I'm not sure it was my "looks" per se, but mostly how I was feeling about myself.  Confidence, I'm discovering, breeds beauty.

I've rediscovered my patience.  That was a hard one to lose.  I've always seen myself as a very patience person.  Sometimes, however, I would let others treat me poorly, talk to me meanly and be rude to me, and I would just tell myself I'm patient.  I was probably too low in self esteem to see that, but now, I know.  I am definitely a patient person now though, probably always have been to a degree, but now, I'm far more patient than I was a year ago.  And if I find myself losing my patience, I take the lessons learned from my anxiety group and breathe, thinking to myself why I'm losing my patience and if it is a valid reason.

I've discovered how to manage the multitude of thoughts in my brain.  Not an easy thing to do when they're going 50 miles a minute, flashing past and leaving negative thoughts.  Part of dealing with that, however, meant dealing with the clutter in my physical life.  Managing what was on the outside, all around me, meant that it became easier to manage what was going on in my head.  It's not so loud in there anymore.  I've often told people "If you knew what was going on in my head, you'd never complain about my talking!"  There was always so much in there, that if I said half of what was in there, I'd never ever ever shut up.  It's not easy living like that.  

I've discovered how to be happy.  I've discovered how to learn.  I've discovered how to listen.  I've discovered how to gauge my audience in discussions.  I've learned to embrace my diagnosis and use it for good.  These are all lessons that were sorely needed, but until I was told what was going on, there were no answers to how to learn those lessons.  

This past year has just been incredible.  We're moving forward on Logan's diagnosis, having had the academic testing just done last week.  Now we're waiting on the cognitive testing to be done and we'll start to get more answers for him as well.  Whatever the case may be, we will have answers and can get moving forward, instead of struggling trying to find solutions for a problem we're not even sure we know about yet.  He's a strong kid though, and he understands that he thinks differently than other kids, even if he doesn't entirely understand why he is that way.  Logan just requires more patience and time than his sister does right now, and if that's what it's going to take, then that's fine by me right now.  

I'm onto new things soon.  I applied for school last night, looking to take the medical administrative assistant certificate.  It's a big step for me.  I've looked into the Students with Disabilities help already and was more than satisfied that they will be more than willing to help me through the process of school.  It's encouraging to know that the help is there, even for adults, as long as we are willing to look for and ask for it.  

And that's my biggest discovery of all.  

Knowing that no matter what, there is help out there.  There are people who understand what is going on in our brains and want to help adults with ADHD function in the world.  There are people who are willing to listen and appreciate that we're all different.  Some of it isn't free, some help is.  Some help is easy to find, some help you need to dig for.  Above all, if we're struggling, it's best to ask for help.  Not fall into that mire of negativity.  Not to fall into apathy anymore.  A little extra work can mean huge dividends.  I'm never going to be a world class surgeon, or lawyer.  I'm never going to be a famous actor or athlete.  I doubt highly that my ADHD would allow me to get that far.  I'm going to be me.  Happy.  Content.  A little obsessive.  A little anxious.  A mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter.  I'm going to be right, I'm going to be wrong.  

Above all, I'm just going to be okay.  No matter what life brings me, I'm going to be okay.  

Is Failure An Option?

I bet you're all like "NO!  It is NOT an option!"

I KNOW my mother in law is yelling that.  It's okay Patti, let me explain.

I, respectfully, disagree.

Last night was my final ADHD group session.  And it was incredibly bittersweet.  It was wonderful to see how far I'd come, but I still crave a bit more support for the future.  One of our leaders of our group asked about what we'd learned.  I said that I felt great, but that I knew one day I would fail and that I was okay with that.

I was stopped by another member of the group who asked me why I would use the word fail?  It's such a harsh word.  This member didn't want to see me set myself up for failure, which was so heartening.  We'd just spent 10 weeks together, listening and helping, giving suggestions and really supporting each other.  Of course, none of us want to see one another fail.  

But to me, the word fail is just a word.  Yes, it's a harsh word.  I can't argue that.  

I explained to the other members of the group that to me, I needed a word that meant something to me.  Other words just don't see to be harsh enough for me to make me really move forward.  It's a word that gives me a kick in the ass.  

It's just a word.  It's the context in how I use the word that matters most.  I feel the same way about swear words.  I know people don't like them, but I find that again, it's context.  As long as I'm not using them in a derogatory manner, but maybe to express myself in a moment of pain, chances are, I'm not hurting anyone.  It's the same with the word fail.  I'm not using to hurt myself, or put too much pressure on myself.  I'm using it as a word that matters to me.  Motivates me.

I also have to assess what my standard is for failure.  I'm feeling a bit like a dish Nazi right now.  I get anxious when there are dishes in the sink.  That sounds silly to most, but in my past, leaving a dish in the sink, just putting off, procrastinating, makes it build up.  I'm working really hard at NOT procrastinating.  To me, procrastinating is a manner of failing.  Not doing it in the moment when I have a second to just touch it up, that's a fail.  I hate to admit that my dad and mother in law were right, but doing a bit at a time, everyday, keeps things tidy and neat.  (AGH!  That hurt to admit I was wrong.) 

These aren't MASSIVE failures.  They're just mistakes really, but in some cases, for me, right now, it's a fail.  

This doesn't mean I sit around and beat myself up.  I don't call myself a failure and go on and on about it.  I USED to do that.  That was unproductive.  Now, I just tell myself, okay, I failed.  Time to do it and then move on.  No more beating myself up.  I screw up.  It's just how I choose to express it.  

I am aware there are different ways to express this.  Falling back, stepping back, backsliding, however works for others.  But the word fail just gives me that boost.  That motivation.  I know.  It sounds like pressure I don't need.  I'm not sure about that.  I think I needed a bit more pressure.  I needed bit more motivation to move forward and I had to put more pressure on myself to do that.  

So.  Again.  Is failure an option?  

In my world, it is.  

I Hate My Left Foot

I think I hate my left foot.  

I bet you're wondering "How can you hate your foot?"

Well, I don't know exactly, but I think I do.  I mean, it's the only explanation for the abuse I've put it through in the past.

Last week, I was getting into the bathtub.  I was looking forward to a lovely, warm bath, tired from my day.  I put my right foot in, then lifted my left foot, and went to place it into the tub when,

WHAM!

I bashed my little toe on the edge of the tub, hard.  Like, wow, I heard it pop and crack hard.  I sat there in the tub for a moment, trying not to cry.  I called up Jeff and told him what I did.  He was, needless to say, incredulous.  Neither of us could figure out how I did this.  Just the baby toe.  No where else on the foot.  And man, did it swell fast!  The toe itself doubled in size in about five minutes, and then the swelling moved across the base of my other toes.  

So.  I finished my bath.  I was in it, might as well get cleaned up.  

As I went to get out of the tub, I knew I wouldn't be able to put much pressure on the side of my foot that I damaged, but I didn't realize I wouldn't be able to walk at all!  I put pressure on my heel and it pulled on the tendons in the rest of the foot, bringing shooting pain to the toe I just, most likely, broke.  

I was angry.  I had plans for the next day!  I wanted to get some Christmas shopping done!  I couldn't even get a boot on the next day.  I could barely get up and down the stairs, forget getting the laundry done.  I did do a bit of baking and cleaning, but I wasn't really happy with my plans being wrecked by a useless baby toe!

We were joking about it because I get the most ridiculous injuries.  Because of past injuries to this foot, I happened to have a pair of crutches in my closet.  I never, in a million years, thought I would need crutches for a baby toe.  How ridiculous is this??

I bet you're asking why I had crutches in my closet.  

Oh, those are from last year, when I fell down the basement stairs trying to walk over the cat food my then two year old dumped all over the bottom of the stairs.  Somehow, when I was falling down, I managed to take my left foot, fold it under my body and land on it, spraining it and winding up on crutches for about four or five days.  The best part?  I had fallen while putting up Christmas decorations and had a MASSIVE bruise down the right side arm, on the back.  I was pretty wrecked.  The nurse at the hospital made sure to ask me if I had not had a black out or something.  Nope.  I remembered all of the ways I injured myself.  And my husband was in Fort McMurray when I fell the first time.  So, it wasn't him.   

About 12 years ago, I was in the shower at an old apartment, getting ready for work.  I'm still, to this day, not sure how it happened, but I found myself on the bottom of the tub with a very sore elbow.  When I brought my feet in front of me, I saw a football sized left foot.  Jeff, again, came into the bathroom to see what happened.  Turns out, when I was falling, I had again, folded that leg under me, my middle toes going under the covered drain.  I broke the toe in the middle.  It was split at the top like a fork.  

Because of the swelling in my foot, Jeff insisted on taking me to the hospital.  I said no at first, because I mean, it's a toe.  I was told my whole life that they will do nothing for a broken toe.  I was already humiliated, I didn't want to further it.  In the end, he won.  First, because we were new, we went to the Edmonton General Hospital, thinking that was closest, so it made sense.  We were wrong.  By that time, it was now a long term care facility.  So...a bit more humiliation.  We went across the river to the University of Alberta Hospital.  They took me into the triage, where I was placed across from a computer screen of a man's head that had been crushed in.  Another lady beside me had poked her hand with an epi pen and her thumb was now dying.  I felt pretty stupid at this point.

The hospital treated me wonderfully.  Because of the swelling, they took me to x-ray.  Turns out the break was worse than we thought.  I wound up with a half cast, that went from the end of my toes, all the way up the back of my calf, then bound up with a tensor bandage.  At least, I could bathe easily.  Off it for ten days, with crutches.  Awesome.  So much fun explaining that one.

I didn't realize how much this ridiculous baby toe affects my life.  Seriously.  I can walk pretty much perfectly when I'm at home, but the second I need to put a boot or shoe on my foot, and that's it.  I'm limping again.  It's stupid.  I'm into the second week of this and I'm tired of it.  I'm scared of my winter boots!!  I tape it, and that helps, but it's a pain in the ass to tape too.  I'm fairly sure I should just cut this foot off and start new or something.  

I have many other stupid injury stories.  A lot of them do with me falling down the stairs, slipping on the ice, (that happened last month) and other silly ways of hurting myself.

I joke about it a lot because, frankly, I'm just a klutz apparently.  

One day, I want a cool injury.

Last winter, Jeff took me skiing for the first time.  I almost wished I'd break a leg or arm or something.  Then at least I could be like "Yeah, I was rushing down the hill, and suddenly, I caught the edge of my ski and I just blew it!"  That would be a lot cooler at least.  

I'm not, by any means, saying I WANT to be in jured or WANT a broken arm or leg.  I'd rather have a better story than "I was just getting into the bathtub and WHAM, I bashed JUST that toe!" And then have people look at me like "Oh...okay".  

I played football, I've skied, biked, hiked, done lots of things where I could have had a better injury story.  In football, my "injuries" were my knees because I was stupid and instead of taking it easier, I threw myself into it, much to my body's chagrin.  It took nearly 2 months before I could walk without pain again.  But it was really worth it.  My big football injury was a concussion I got.  That was my fault.  I stood up, full height and just got mowed down.  Concussions + children makes for a tough weekend, let me tell you!  

My husband is a walking scar.  But at least his scars have stories!  I've picked him up on mountains, bleeding.  I've taken him to the Medicenter because he dropped a clothes drier on his toes.  That was a wicked injury.  His silliest injury was when he broke his ankle after drinking and finding a gopher hole with his foot.  I laughed at him for that one.  

I'm not saying I'm an adrenaline junkie, I'm not saying I admire the "Jackass" guys or anything like that.  But I'm saying that one time, I'd like one injury where I can say "OH man...you should have seen it!!"  

Is this weird?  

Concerns

Originally, when I was thinking about this entry, I was only going to write it down in my private journal.  Then I realized, if I'm going to share where I'm at, I should keep it as honest as possible.  I just don't want anyone to think I'm whining or backsliding already.  

Change is good.  I know that.  Well, positive change is good.  Moving forward is the most important thing we can do.  But sometimes, to learn about how to move forward into the future, we need to look at the past.  

Only, I'm not totally impressed with my past.  Certain elements of it, I see with guilt and shame.  

I have made some huge changes.  Great changes.  I've managed not only things in my mind, but I'm starting to take control of my environment.  It's never been fun watching people around me, living their lives and doing things that are so easy, but I struggle with all the time.  It was frustrating, depressing, and self esteem crushing.  

In the past two weeks, things really have changed dramatically.  They haven't been minute changes that I just noticed now, but changes that some days I am like "WOW!  Where did THAT come from?"

Grady is cuddling with me more.  That's because I'm less irritable.  Logan is trying harder.  I think that's because I'm more encouraging (not that I wasn't before, but I wasn't always patient with him).  Olivia is really content and happy with the new organization that I've implemented.  Really, all three are.  They aren't totally impressed with tidying up everyday, but over time, we will work that out.

I feel guilty.  I feel ashamed of myself in the past.  I know I had a right to be irritable and frustrated, impatient and angry, SOME TIMES, but now I realize that I was probably like that more than I was happy.  Unfortunately, I was able to hide that outside, while in our home, I wasn't always the most pleasant to be around.  It's hard to admit that.  But, in order to change, and make it so that I am not repeating those bad habits, I have to admit that I screwed up, see it for what it is, leave it in the past and move forward.

I know that because of my lack of organization and my lack of consistency, I made it difficult for my kids to succeed in school.  I just couldn't keep a bead on it.  Another thing to feel bad about.  Another thing to learn from.

I'm terribly worried about losing this momentum.  I'm worried about going back to the way it was.  I'm worried because I've done stuff like this before.  I've started projects, cleaning, tossing, sorting, then suddenly, it just stops.  And then it goes back.

Jeff came home last night and he was so happy to see how much work I've done in the house.  It was so gratifying to know that he could come home and just relax.  I love how that felt.  I love how happy he was.  I told him today how worried I am about not keeping it up.  He said that he thinks this time, it will last.  I asked him why.

He said to me that I've never done this before.  In the past, I've taken small steps, done a small amount of work, but never to this degree.  Never this consistently, thoroughly.  He does wonder why I need so much affirmation.  The only answer I have to that is be told enough times how bad you are at something, when a person does well at something, they need that positive reinforcement to keep moving forward.

I'm not lazy.  I'm really not.  The only problem is, I just never knew how to keep it going.  I had a tough time finding places for things and then putting them there afterwards.  I got frustrated easily when I saw a big project and didn't know where to start.  

I think there are people I know who are just waiting for me to fall on my face.  They are saying to themselves "Yeah yeah, we've heard this all before."  Again, totally fair.  I know that nobody would say it to my face, but those people are out there, skeptical of my new motivation and just waiting for it to fall apart.  But I admit, this time, I feel differently about all of this.  It FEELS different.  I certainly hope nobody ever thought I LIKED living in a disorganized disaster.  I certainly didn't.  It was stressful for everybody.  If I ever thought it didn't stress everyone in the house out, I would say that I am lying.  The changes I've seen in my family in just this short time is incredible.  The hard part for me is realizing how much impact I had on my family.  

It's really okay now, but until I see this lasting a lot longer, I think I'll be more skeptical of my progress than other people are.  I'm going to be harder on myself than anyone else could be.  I know it's not fair, but I don't know how else to deal with it right now.  I do what I can, give myself positive reinforcement and then move on.  In order to do that, I have to, in essence, nag myself to do something.  It doesn't sound very pleasant, but it's working.  It's a reminder to keep moving forward.  Keep making those positive changes that are making not only me happy, but my family as well.  

It Doesn't Define Me

In life, we all have negative things happen to us.  Much of the time, we allow those negative things that happened to us define who we are.  We come from a broken home, so it only follows to reason that we would get into relationships and then when we get divorced, it was just meant to happen.  Seriously, why wouldn't it?  It's just to be expected, right?

A person has a mental disorder, a learning disorder, a chronic illness.  So then, we just fall into the trap of seeing ourselves that way, as perhaps weak or stupid, and we present ourselves to the world that way.

We allow these negative things to define us and our futures.  We allow them to define our choices.  We then use them as excuses to justify that behaviour.  

We can wish that it didn't happen.  It doesn't change the fact that it happened.  It doesn't change the fact that it's now a permanent part of us.  It doesn't change the fact that we need to work towards overcoming the negative feelings it has left on our psyches.  It doesn't change the fact that it will color our future choices and lives.  Wishing it away doesn't change the past.  It just makes it more difficult to move forward while we dwell on the past and wonder "what if?".  

I've had these bad moments.  I've had these negative situations.  My parents divorced when I was six and my mom left us.  I grew up without a mom.  She was an addict and alcoholic, making promises she rarely, if ever, delivered on.  It wasn't easy.  I had a cousin abuse me when I was younger as well.  I've had my trust broken in incredibly hard ways.  They were devastating to my mind and heart.

In school, I had many friends from many different social groups.  However, I had horrible self esteem issues.  My grades were awful, despite being very smart and capable.  I was bullied incessantly, both by friends and bullies.  Being completely non-confrontational, I allowed it to happen, and rarely stood up for myself  I endured this from grade 3 until I graduated.  Unfortunately, in order to make myself feel better, I sometimes adopted a "get them before they get me" strategy, making fun of other kids.  I always felt terrible about it later on.  I have an incredibly strong conscience.  I never felt good after doing anything mean or against the rules afterwards.  Thankfully, I didn't do it often.  My conscience wouldn't have never let me live it down.

I was incredibly lucky.  I had a wonderful group of adults in my life who helped me deal with all of the things that happened to me.  I had a strong support network, unlike so many other kids who deal with these situations.  It's a sad fact that too many people lack that support desperately needed in difficult times.  

However, I had something else.

I have a strength in me that has always served me well.  I have a way of thinking that helped me on occasion.  I have a very strong sense of justice, compassion and loyalty.  It's true I spent much of my time worrying about people and how they felt.  I worried about what they thought of me.  I worried about fitting in.  It led me to some difficult situations, but somehow, I always managed to come out of them, knowing I'd made the right choice.  It wasn't ever easy, but I managed to skim through childhood with more good, than bad, memories.

I've taken the things that have happened to me, and allowed them to shape me, color my decisions and guide me through life.  I have not, however, allowed them to define me.  I refuse to fall into any one mold in life, worrying about the past and how I could have changed it.  

I don't live with "what ifs?".

I live with a purpose.  I live with a strong sense of who I am and what I want to project to the rest of the world.  I want to share these things about myself.  I want people to know that while negative things happen in life, we don't need to dwell on them, let them define our way of thinking.  I want people to understand that while they can't change the past, they can use the past in a positive way, even negative situations.

Now, I have ADHD.  I deal with it on a daily basis.  All I see is promise now.  All I see is a way of understanding I didn't have before April.  I don't ever wish that I hadn't gotten this diagnosis.  I take it, knowing full well that it won't be an easy life, knowing that there will have to be changes in how I think and how I want others to see me.  I know that I need to be the best example I can be for Logan and showing him that he doesn't need to go through what I did.  That he has so much potential to go so far in life, but he won't have it as easy as others might.  He needs to understand there is nothing in this world we can't overcome in some capacity, otherwise, it will smother us and hold us back.  

I don't wish I didn't have ADHD.  I don't wish that my mom had stayed while we grew up.  I don't wish that my cousin hadn't abused me.  I don't wish that I hadn't been bullied.  

...Anymore.  I used to.  It caused me far too much anxiety.

If those things hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I wouldn't have this fabulous life, full of happiness and contentment.  I wouldn't have my beautiful children.  I wouldn't have married such a wonderful, understanding and supportive man.  I wouldn't have the friends I have, the family I have, the home I have.  

Because of the negative things in my life, and how I've chosen and learned to live with them, I'm right where I should be.  I can't say that I don't wish that I didn't know how it had felt to have been through these things, but I can honestly say that partially because of them, I'm where I should be.  They are parts of my life that I have had to absorb and accept.  I don't have to like them, but I can accept them.  They are parts of my life that have made me stronger, more capable, more resilient.  

I have used these situations in the past to help make choices in life that make my life better.  Because of my parent's divorce, I made the decision to pick the man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, take my time and be sure of it.  Because my mom left us, I wanted to always make sure to never take from my children what was taken from us.  Because I know of the history of addiction and alcoholism in my family's past, I make sure not to get into situations where it could be a problem.  Because of my school history, I make sure that my kids aren't bullied or become bullies.  Because of my ADHD, and how it affected my schooling, I will make sure that my children don't experience what I did.  Because of being abused by my cousin, I make sure to feel completely comfortable around their babysitters, think about who I'm allowing to stay in my home, who I want to leave my children alone with at anytime. 

I'm not cynical.  I still trust people.  I still want to see the inherent good in people.  I'm not paranoid or hyper-vigilant.  I still want to have friends and be a good friend.  If one of my biggest bullies ever came to town and wanted to go to coffee, I would.  If an old friend comes to town, I never turn them away.  I don't hate anyone, even if they hurt me deeply.  I take from it the lessons needed and treat them accordingly.  I don't bother with hate or despising someone.  That just holds me back and weighs me down.  I forgive, but forgetting is another matter.  It's always possible to be a part of my life again, but there's a bit more work by that person needed for that trust to develop again.  

Simply, I want to be happy, and dwelling on the past is a huge detriment to my happiness.  It's not easy to learn these lessons and put them into practice, but it's so worth it.  To just learn to let go and accept life as it comes, taking each situation, negative or positive, and taking the lessons from it and move forward.  

The past can never change, but I can.  

I Wish I Had The Words

I wish I had the words to express how I'm feeling right now.

I wish I had the words to express how my brain works, and help everyone understand it.  

I wish I had the words to express how scared I am of failing.

I wish I had the words to express how much that fear of failing motivates me to do more, do better.

There are many things I wish I could say.  I will try to do it, to put it down and prove that things are changing.  NOT that thing have CHANGED.  Those small letters at the end of "change" are very distinct and show how I've changed my own thoughts.

Motivation was always a hard concept.  Well, perhaps not motivation but finding the way to start and finish a project.  Usually, the motivation was there, but it was so hard to the start, maintain the work and finish it.  I always had ideas, always had intentions, always knew there was something missing, or wrong.  It was frustrating.  Incredibly frustrating, really.  Anything could be a distraction.  I could walk into a room, start something, my intentions to get through it all, then find myself in another room, working on another project.  Rarely did anything ever get finished.  I just blamed it on motivation, drive, ambition.  Even I never understood what was going on.

I did maintain one thing.  An "all or nothing" way of thinking.  I recognized the mess.  I saw that it needed to be cleaned up.  I knew that it wasn't normal.  That *I* wasn't "normal".  I was missing something that seemed so easy for other people.  It has been hard for me to feel pride in my home, my parenting, myself.  I wanted that pride;  of course I did, but if I couldn't get it all done in a day, why bother?  I wasn't going to follow through and finish it anyway.  And besides, the problem, whatever it was, was so huge, there was no way to get it all done at once.  I needed to be nagged, which drives me nuts, I needed to be reminded, which drives me nuts, I needed to be hassled and made fun of, which made me feel even worse.  

I recognized backhanded comments.  I knew that I wasn't the perfect homemaker.  I knew there was no such thing as the perfect homemaker.  It didn't mean that I didn't want to be the perfect homemaker.  It's not like when I made the kids tidy up, I was on the couch eating bon bons and ordering them around.  Normally, I was in the kitchen or other room, cleaning frantically as well, because Jeff was coming home or someone was coming over.  I apologized every single time someone came to the house.  Obviously, this isn't healthy thinking.  This isn't good for me because I bring myself down.  I make it a huge deal, when really, if I just did something a little bit at a time, or did a chore before it got to be a big deal, then it was far easier and there was less frustration.

"Ah.  But you knew that.  So why didn't you do it?"

Good question.  It's taken me a long time to find an answer, for which I have no words that I can really explain it without it sounding like I'm making excuses.  There really was a block.  A huge block.  A "Why bother trying" block.  A "nobody will keep it up" block.  It was incredibly frustrating.  

So, here I am today.  And I've accomplished SO much.  More than I can even tell anyone about.  Besides the physical examples of my work, there has been a big change in my own brain.  I'm also finding that I'm more able to keep the negative thoughts back.  My anxiety is almost nil lately, my irritation is way lower than normal, I'm seeing huge changes in my brain and my life.  

I'm feeling pride.  Immense pride.  Knowing that I've made these changes, on my own!  It hasn't been easy.  There have been some huge stumbling blocks.  HUGE!  I started this journey with my ADHD group, thinking that there would be immediate, huge epiphanies.  Or rather, not thinking it, but hoping for it.  I knew there would be work, but I didn't realize how much of my MENTAL issues affected my PHYSICAL world.  It was a huge deal to figure it out.  And it took a while.  I'm six weeks into this group and finally, I'm working past the mental side of it, applying what I've learned into my life and finding that there's ways for me to work, it's made me feel fabulous.  

Behind it though, there's that little voice.  That little voice that tells me "You won't keep it up."  "You've done this before, and nothing changed."  "Why bother?  Nobody else is going to maintain it."  It's scary, because those words can be true.  I have done this in the past, and nothing changed.  I got tired of nagging everyone to put things where I put them.  I have a very strong history of not maintaining these changes.  So, what's changed now?

Well, I want a more organized life.  I WANT it.  I NEED it.  I'm desperate for these changes.  I need to have my family healthy and happy.  I need my kids to know and understand how to care for their own homes in the future.  I know things are going to get busier in the future and I don't want to spend my life cleaning and worrying.  I want to LIVE MY LIFE!  I want to go for ski vacations with my family, not worrying about the state of the house when I get home.  I want to go away to visit my family and come home to a tidy home, just putting away what we took with us and keep things this way.  I want the kids to be able to find what they want to play with.  I want to be able to keep an eye on what they play with and what they don't play with, in order to keep the clutter down.  I want to be the best example I can be for my kids.  I want to show Logan that we can live with ADHD and while we will struggle, we can find ways to work with it and overcome it.  I want to show Olivia that even when I struggle with something, I'm a strong enough woman to get past it and make my life better.  When it comes to Grady, I don't know yet.  I just want him to pee in the potty!!  Then life would be just about perfect!!!

I know I'm going to falter.  I know I will fail.  I know I will stumble and things will come off the rails again.  However, I also know that with the changes I'm implementing now, while I can maintain it, that when things DO go off the rails, and they WILL, it won't be SO bad that I can't get back onto the rails and it won't take me weeks to do it.  It's not so scary anymore.  

The toy situation was a HUGE job.  I've donated a few bags of toys in the past few years, but I estimate, I had somewhere around 10 years of toys in my home.  This doesn't come from a hoarding issue.  Some of it came from not wanting to throw out things from my children's pasts.  Some of these toys had memories behind them.  The same goes for clothing.  Perhaps an important relative gave them to us and I just couldn't think to get rid of them.  Often, I felt like I had to ask before getting rid of them.  But in reality, most people give the gifts at a certain age and understand that the kids will grow out of them and I will have to donate or get rid of them.  Sometimes, it was really a guilt thing.  I have done the same thing with birthday cards.  It's only been the past few years that I've started to realize that it's OKAY to get rid of some things.  I can hold onto items like handmade gifts:  sweaters, blankets, ect.  I hate seeing those types of things in thrift stores.  I know that there's a ton of work that goes into those special items, and I loathe to get rid of those.  Thankfully, we don't have so many that it's unmanageable.  And my kids love their "Grandma blankets" and eye spy quilts. More often than not, when we go away for an overnight, at least one of those quilts comes with us.  

Next job?  The clothing.  This is a pretty massive job as well.  That's a massive job because it's one I rarely finish.  I have baby clothing mixed in with everything.  I've donated lots of items, five bags alone last week.  I always joke about "Mount Laundry".  I would go for days, just washing and drying clothing, bringing it upstairs, and leaving it.  It can get to be enormous.  As I've been sorting toys in the basement and such, I've also been washing and drying laundry, rebuilding "Mount Laundry".  The difference this time?  I have a viable goal.  I'm hoping, that this "Mount Laundry" will be the last one.  That's an exciting thought.  Of course, the "Mount" may rise again one day, but for the time being, this feels like the end of a big job.  

At this point, I feel great.  I'm thinking more clearly.  I'm forgetting things less.  I'm taking more time to assess a situation and figure out the way to make it work.  I'm learning to adjust my thinking to the situation.  All around, things are just easier.  The best part about it is, it's because *I* did this.  I wanted to make these changes and I am making them daily.  Some of them are just teeny changes.  A thought, or something small, like hanging a jacket up everyday.  I'm becoming more consistent.  The kids aren't as worried about where Mommy is coming from next.  I'm far more coherent and capable.  I can make goals and follow through in a meaningful way.  I am making more realistic goals.  

So what if it took me four days to get through the toys?  Life happens.  Yesterday, I had a gong show of a morning.  I had to take Olivia to a birthday party, then take Logan to biathalon.  There were some time crunches, so I worried that I'd have to do it all alone.  I was lucky to have family recognize it wasn't possible and offered to help.  But in amongst all of that, Grady refused to get dressed, Logan's jacket zipper broke, I got stuck in some deep snow at the biathalon range, and my toiled flooded.  And those were the major things.  I drove for two straight hours pretty much yesterday and never really went anywhere.  In the past, those types of days would just paralyze me afterwards.  I'd be tired and overwhelmed, then nothing else would get done.  

It didn't happen yesterday.  Sure, the morning sucked.  But that was fine.  I took a break after I got home, and then got back to work.  The result?  My basement is tidier than it's been in MONTHS.  It's manageable.  Laundry was getting done, toys were finally starting to leave my living room.  

Today, the toys have been (for the most part) placed into the areas I want them to be in.  I've started new rules regarding the toys and the kids are already following those rules, with the exception of Grady.  But he's three.  Once he watches the other kids work, get it put away, he will start to understand and hopefully pitch in.  I know chores aren't fun.  If I could do it all for them, I would, but in the long run, that doesn't help them.  

Everyday is full of change.  Everyday I learn something new, whether it's about myself or the world around me.  I crave learning in so many ways, but I never really craved learning so much about myself before this past April.  It hasn't been easy.  I would never say that.  I've struggled many times, moved forward and then fallen back.  I've learned though, how to bring myself forward again, then take a lesson from that experience and apply it to the situation next time.  

I know that there are many people in my life who probably doubt my abilities.  That's fair.  It really is.  I'm okay with it.  I ask for one favor though.  If you are doubting me, I accept it, but don't necessarily tell me so.  Right now, a "good job" or "wow, it looks great" is pretty much all I need.  Just understand that some of these things are out of my control and I'm working very hard to learn how to control them.  I'm not making excuses, I'm not using ADHD as a crutch.  It's something in my brain, something nobody can see.  It's a reason to be a bit more understanding though.  Just know, that there are going to be days I will go back to old habits, but I'm working really hard to establish and maintain new habits.  

ADHD doesn't just apply to having difficulties in school.  It applies to everyday life.  Just doing dishes can be an incredibly difficult job to face.  There are so many things that I've had to learn about myself, that it's really felt like I've had to learn how to live, think and be happy again.  

So, day by day, step by step, I push through.  We're encouraged to find a reward system for ourselves.  A way to make each task end with a positive note.  Mine has been the feeling of pride and happiness in a job well done.  In sitting in my living room feeling accomplished.  In knowing I don't have to wake up and immediately feel horrible for how cluttered my house is.  I'm sleeping better, even.  Hearing my husband talk about how good it looks and seeing him relax when he is home is incredibly rewarding.  Watching my kids have fun with their toys and play with their friends, such a wonderful reward.  

I've been saying a lot of the time "onwards and upwards".  Just repeating it, even though sometimes it didn't feel that way.  Now, it definitely feels that way.

Politics, Religion and Opinion.

"Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought." - John F. Kennedy

Today is the 50th anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy. I saw this quote on Twitter today and suddenly was inspired to write today.

I am a huge proponent of learning about someone's religious and political stances. I grew up in a very openminded home. We always had a lot of discussion and debate. As I have grown up, I've learned that never will you learn more about a person until you learn about their religious and political opinions.  

Perhaps that's why there is the saying "There are two topics you never speak about. Politics and religion." Those topics and reveal so much to the listener. Perhaps, then, it moves into other topics that aren't comfortable to talk about, or can turn into arguments. Perhaps we're afraid of what others will think of us because we vote Conservative or Liberal. Religion? There are so many misconceptions about different denominations, that perhaps we are afraid of someone forming an opinion of us before they can get to know us.

I have a different viewpoint.

I want to know. I want to understand why you make the choices you make. Not because I think I made better choices, more because it gives me a different point of view. It might color my ideas the next time I go to the polls. It might apply to me in another way. I don't know if I don't ask.

When it comes to religion, I want to know your denomination. It helps me to approach our relationship in as respectful a manner as possible. It helps me to know what you find appropriate for television viewing, reading, toys. I want you to be comfortable in my home. I want you to be comfortable if your children are in my home. I'm not saying that it's possible for me to make concessions on all fronts, but it helps me to manage myself in what I speak about, how I speak and what we talk about.  

I don't make judgments on a person based on their religious beliefs. I've been judged by far too many people both in and out of religious organizations to know how that feels. It's impossible to color an entire group of people with one brush without hurting somebody in that group. I have friends in many denominations. I have Athiest friends. It's difficult for me to describe what I believe. I would have to say I fall somewhere around the Buddhist and Athiest beliefs. I don't necessarily believe in one higher power, but I have a spiritual side, and I believe in peace and joy for all beings. I don't believe in preaching your religion, telling people how they are going to hell, or whatever, telling people they are wrong, but I do believe in sharing what you believe in a respectful manner. Often, religion can provide a wonderful respite for people who are hurting and need support. I was in a church recently for my sister's wedding, and during the rehearsal, I found myself feeling a lovely peace, even with the chaos of the situation. I wasn't searching, I wasn't in pain. It was just a lovely surrounding, peaceful and calming. 

I want to know why you are in that denomination. Are you there because of family ties? Are you there because you were seeking something and found it there? I want to know if you were in a denomination in the past but aren't now. Why did you leave? Do you miss it? How did it affect your family relationships? If I've heard a myth about your denomination, I want to ask you about it. Is it true? How did it come to be part of the myth? What do you think about it? I understand that people can be rude and unthinking when it comes to religion. It's sad. I know that each denomination has stories about it's members and leaders.  I want to understand. I don't want to be ignorant of your ideals, beliefs and experiences.

I think the Bible is a really interesting book. It has some absolutely FABULOUS ideas in it. The Ten Commandments are a great example. You have things like respecting your parents, not murdering people, don't steal, don't commit adultery, those are great rules to live by. There are some that one could consider arbitrary, like not worshiping false idols and keeping the Sabbath holy, but they are harmless and in reality, if that's what you believe, then by all means, follow those rules. I understand their purpose and if they bring a person comfort, I have no issues with it at all. I don't like it when people use the Bible to hold other people back and keep them from their rights. I, as a woman, do not think that the Bible should be the purpose I should respect and back my husband, or even respect my parents. I do that because we have relationships based on respect and support, both in my parental relationships and marriage. I do not think the Bible should be hidden behind when we are talking about the rights of individuals, such as same sex couples. Don't hide behind it, when in fact, you're uncomfortable with the idea of same sex couples. The Bible shouldn't be used for ignorance, but it seems to have become the bastion of ignorance. This is a book that was written some two millenia ago. Things were incredibly different back then. Since then, as a race, we've grown and changed (or so I'd like to think). So perhaps, our interpretation of Biblical ideals needs to be re-evaluated and looked at from today's perspective. Like I said, I'm not saying that the Bible is totally wrong. There are great lessons, psalms and parables that can teach us so much about human nature, but some human nature has changed. It can't be taken literally anymore.  

There is SO much more about this that leads to discussion in so many other ways, but I don't want to get into it all. I am fine with your choices in religion and it's ideals, but understand that I see the world differently, and don't want to be judged because I don't go to a church or share your views. I KNOW I'm a good person, and I don't need to be told how to be a good person.

Politics. Ah, good old politics.

In my home growing up, it was always a topic. My dad always had clear ideas on how he viewed politics and passed those onto us. My sister went head first into it, winding up president of the Young Liberals, travelling all over Canada, meeting politicians and sharing her viewpoint all over the place, whether you liked it or not. I know that sounds like I didn't like it, a bit harsh, but that's the way it was. There were times I enjoyed discussing politics with her, there were others where I didn't. But she was passionate about it. She loved what she was doing and she had a purpose. She wanted others to get involved and help build good government. I admired her for that.

I saw politics a bit differently. Definitely was less passionate about it from the outside, but in my brain, I was fascinated by it. Mostly because I wanted to know why we voted some of these people in. And what made them so sure of what they were doing, that they could have the hubris to stand up and say "I want to lead your neighbourhood/city/province/country!" I'm not saying that all of them have an abundance of hubris, however, I think in order to stand for leader of any political position, where you are making incredibly important decisions for a large group of people, a person must feel confident enough to make those choices and stand behind them. Obviously, some political leaders have far too much hubris, leading them into terrible positions in the future. The news is full of that all the time.

I find that when it comes to politics, people become apathetic. They complain, they don't vote, they argue there's no reason to vote.

I politely disagree.

If you don't vote, please, complaining is wrong. We choose these people to lead our government. If you haven't taken the time to be a part of the choice, then complaining isn't exactly fair to those of us who did make the choice. Essentially, you're telling me that I was wrong in what I chose.

You don't necessarily have to like the choices in order to have your say. Spoil your ballot. Seriously! Go in, put a big line through your entire ballot, hand it to the officer who is taking them and leave. I've written things in the boxes. "Nope" "Wouldn't choose them if you paid me" "Not a chance" "Nadda" I'm respectful, I don't swear and make a big stink, but at least I've said my part. What you might not know about spoiled ballots is, they are counted. Yep. Those ballots that you wrote the line through, they were counted. It was logged into a count, and the politicians who get to see the results of the voting get to see how many spoiled ballots there were in that particular election.

Think about it. If enough people spoil their ballots, and the politicians see this, don't you think that at some point, one of them will say "I wonder what I need to do to get those votes?" Perhaps that's the one leader who can make significant change in the world in the future. Maybe not the world, but maybe in a neighbourhood, province or country. Perhaps even our country!

So, now you've voted, but you're STILL unhappy with our current political landscape. Perfectly fair. You've said your piece. You've cast your ballot. Perhaps it's your choice who is screwing up. Perhaps, your child needs something important for their health or education. Maybe you're upset at the criminal justice system, and how little seems to be done to stop the creeps that harm our communities. Maybe you're feeling underrepresented as a group and you want more done for that group. What do you do? You write to your minister!

Yep.  I said that.  You hop onto the internet, search for your minister you want to write to, and you send them an email.  You probably think nothing will come of it, but trust me, somebody will read it.  I've written to my MP for my constituency.  Not only did I get an email back saying that my MP will definitely read my email, but I've since been invited to several round table discussions in order to speak with my MP.  I haven't been able to make it to them yet, but one day, I will.  One will fall on a time when Jeff is home and I will get to one of these meetings.  I have seen our MP on television and listened to him speak, and I happen to really like him.  I'd be thrilled to meet him.  Through my sister and her political connections, I've been able to meet one of our former Prime Ministers, several Liberal ministers and was able to be impressed or even repulsed by these individuals.  It was a great experience. 

I know these topics can be difficult to talk about because we all have different experiences, ideals and viewpoints, but why do these topics have to be taboo?  Why do we want to hide behind ignorance, misconceptions and myths?  We all want to be understood.  We all want to be respected and appreciated.  However, if all we are going to do is let these misconceptions and myths color our views of certain peoples or belief systems, we miss out on an abundance of culture, community and comfort.

Democracy allows us to have freedom of speech and opinions, but we rarely take time to think about how those words and opinions affect others around us.  I know that just because an individual is Muslim, it doesn't mean they are evil.  I know that just because a person is Mormon, it doesn't meant they believe in plural marriage.  I know that just because a person is Conservative, they don't always support everything their leader says.  I know that just because a person is NDP, they aren't always hippies.  I know these things because I've met people from all of these positions and none of them fit one stereotype.  I've asked questions and gotten honest, clear answers.  I've learned so much from many people.  I've learned how the Sikh religion promotes peace.  I've learned about how there is a Conservative crime bill in the Parliament that is trying to keep dangerous offenders in jail, if deemed still a danger to the community.  We don't hear about that though, because there is too much going on with the scandalous issues in the Senate, coloring the Canadian people's ideas of government being corrupt.  

I always try to remember that while there are always unscrupulous people in all areas of our lives, there are also always good people, trying to do good for the rest of us.  These are the people we should look to be our leaders, in both religion and politics.  I want to share my ideas and learn more from others.  I don't look to be converted or convinced, but I look to others for ideas and opinions that can be different from my own.  When we don't take the time to learn about others, we are more prone to developing negative and often wrong ideas about a group of people.  This leads to wars, depression of groups of people and apathy.  A little bit of learning can go a long way towards understanding and peaceful living.  

Maybe if one man hadn't believed the negative opinions of another man, we wouldn't be recognizing the death of a man who could have lead his country to great things.  

Interesting Observations

Observant.

I try to be.  I'm not always great at it, but I try hard to be as observant as possible.  Sometimes, I'm right, sometimes, I'm  very wrong.  I can "read" people, to a certain degree.  I can read between the lines most of the time.  I miss things, just like everyone else.  I'm not Sherlock Holmes (my most recent obsession, thanks BBC), I can't tell what you had for breakfast at dinnertime after looking at the stain on your shirt.  Unless it's really really obvious.  In which case, I might ask.  Then you'll tell me...then I'll know.

But there have been many moments where I've met a person for the first time and certain impressions they've made have left me with distinct ideas as to who they are and some of their past.  Many times, I've been right.  What can I say?  It's a gift.  

It's a crappy gift sometimes though.  Because it means that oftentimes, I have some idea of how someone feels about me.  That's not always fantastic.  It's not their fault.  It's a facial expression, a tone in a voice, it's body language.  They don't know they are doing it, most of the time.  There have been times it's hurt more than if someone just came out and said something mean.  At least I know where I stand there.  Otherwise, I just have guesses, and with my brain, it can sometimes go far further than it actually is.  

Now, having said that, it's not like I'm tooting my own horn here.  I'm just stating what happens to me.  I think we all have this capacity, some of us are just not as attuned to it as others.  Some of us are just so into ourselves (whether for a good reason or not) that we just miss those cues.  

The reason I'm talking about this is because twice in the past while, complete strangers have noticed something about me that I didn't always know I was doing, or even that I did it.  Sometimes I did it on purpose, because I have a plan, other times, it was just so random, that even I didn't realize it.

Okay.  So it's a totally mundane, everyday chore.  Grocery shopping.

We go up and down the aisles, some of us have lists, some of us don't.  Some of us follow the way the store is set up, aisle by aisle, some of use randomly shoot to each department we need.  I'm the up and down type.  If I don't need something, I'll skip that aisle.  But most of the time, for the big shopping trips, I go down each and every aisle, making sure there's something I didn't miss on my list.  

Anyway, I get to the till and I start to unload my groceries.  I have a tendency of taking each item and placing them on the belt with similar items.  Fruit and veggies stay together, cereals, anything canned, bottled.  On and on.  It's just a habit.  I do it so that when it's bagged, certain things, like say, laundry detergent, is all together and I don't have to search bags for something.  Sounds a bit obsessive, I know, but I do it.  

A few weeks ago, I was out shopping and at Superstore, as we all know, those of us who shop there, we have to bag our own groceries.  It's something I will do partially because of my weird little obsession and also because I don't mind paying less and bag my own groceries.  It's a small inconvenience, unless of course, Grady is in a foul mood.  Then it sucks.  But I manage.  Anyway...I digress (as usual).  I was bagging my groceries, fighting with whichever kid I had with me, and this lovely gentleman started helping me bag my groceries.  I thanked him profusely.  It was then that he said "You're welcome, but I hope you don't mind, I don't understand your system and I just want to help you bag your stuff."

My system?  Oh.  That.  Right.  Didn't even know I'd done it.  But someone else had noticed it and it surprised me.

Today, it happened again.  A cashier at the till at Walmart recognized that I had everything all neat and organized and was shocked when I told her how DISorganized my house was.  But I had fun with it and it does really make it easier when I come home with groceries.  Most of the time, I can guess which bag something is according to what else is in the bag.

It got me thinking.  So, if I do this so mindlessly, why can't I be more mindful of it in my day to day life?  Why can't it be so automatic as it is at the grocery store?  Are there less distractions?  Is it because everything is already organized in a certain way in the store and I place them into my cart that way?  I don't think that's always the case.  I know that there are times I will make space for a specific item to go with another to make sure they get bagged together, or at least close by.  

Part of my biggest struggles with having ADHD come down to organization and consistency.  Part of the problem in my home is lack of storage space.  Besides the closets in our bedrooms, there are no dedicated closets in the rest of the house.  I don't have a linen closet, for instance.  I don't have a spot for sheets, pillow cases, extra blankets.  So it winds up taking up space in the kid's closets or my own closet.  Kind of frustrating when we have limited space.  

"So, throw some stuff out."  

For sure.  That's a great idea and one that I definitely do.  However some of the items I want to keep are items that someone took the time to make for the kids when they were born.  I don't want to lose those quilted or knitted blankets.  I want the kids to have those when they get older.  That's super important to me.  I only have very few sheets for the beds in our house, partially because of space issues, and partially because of costs.  Sheets can be damned expensive!  

I've donated, tossed and recycled lots of stuff, yet I don't think that I have kept on it the way I should.  That's okay.  It's part of what I want to get done in the future, especially before we move to a "real" house.  I'm so excited for that part!  I can't WAIT to have a linen closet.  Man...how domestic am I?

Overall, I know that there is an issue with organization.  I'm highly aware of it.  My sister offered to help me out by bringing in someone who can clean my house for my birthday but I had two realizations.  First off, cleaning my house at this point, like a real deep cleaning, wouldn't be a good idea because the floors are being redone, the walls are being repainted, there's going to be a lot of things done that will either undo all that work, or else make it a waste of money, once the carpets are up.  Secondly, and probably most importantly, I have to learn how to do this on my own.  Having someone come in and do it for me, or at least help me when they are being paid, probably wouldn't help me in the long run.  I have to learn to make and keep new habits and while I'm DEEPLY appreciative for the offer, I really am, I just think that if I'm going to keep moving forward and making the changes that are so desperately needed for my future, then it was an offer I had to turn down.

I bet you're a mom, who works or stays home and is thinking "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?"  I know, it sounds like the best offer ever.  And it is!  It truly, truly is!!  After I turned her down, I had to take a look back and really think as to why it wasn't something that I thought was best.  Believe me.  Even I was shocked at my words as I was saying them.

Well, honestly, my organizational skills are one of those weaknesses I really need to work on in order to be successful in the future.  With school coming up next year, I need to learn organizational skills for that.  Once I'm working, I don't want to be facing a terribly messy home every single weekend because not only have I not learned the skills needed to maintain a clean, organized home, but I've left a terrible example for my kids.  Why should they clean if I don't show them I know how to?

Today left me with an interesting observation.  And something to really look at soon.  Tomorrow, I have my group.  I definitely will be bringing this up as an observation that others have seen in me.  I find it infinitely interesting and I'm really anxious to see what others in my group, or the doctor who runs it, has to say about this.  It could really lead to good things.  

I have an organizational utopia that I picture in my head.  I doubt that will ever be the case in this particular home, but perhaps in our new house, in the future, it will become a reality.  

Now.  How to get everyone else to follow along with it!  HAHAHA