My Sweet Girl

I'm a few days late.  Both the boys got their blogs on their birthdays.  

The past few days have been pretty crazy.  As usual.  

Summer is here, the days are longer, the activity is constant.  

But on Monday, my sweet girl, Olivia turned 6.

I remember when we decided we'd try to get pregnant with her.  It was a long journey.  Logan just sort of "happened".  With Olivia, it was stress, worry, anxiety, too many pregnancy tests and too much research.  I just got too psyched up.

18 months and 3 rounds of fertility medication later, we were pregnant with our second baby.

Right before we found out we were to have our second child, our truck died, our dog died, we took possession of our new home and moved.  Ten days after all that upheaval, I got a positive pregnancy test.

Then the comments started.

"You're going to have a girl!"  "Just wait, girls are so tough!"  "oh man... I know it's a girl!"

Like having a girl was a curse?  How hard can girls be?  Girls are sweet, aren't they?  I get to let her hair grow, get cute little dresses, have fun with her.  Right?  

Well...having a girl ISN'T a curse.  Girls are tough, but they are wonderful.  Having a daughter has brought me more joy in my life than I thought possible.  The possibilities are endless in our relationship.

I'm not a girly girl.  But having a daughter has helped me get back in touch with my feminine side.  It's shown me what it means to being a girl, growing up to be a lady.  There's nothing wrong with teaching her to be a lady.  

Olivia is strong.  She's stubborn, hard headed, loud and honest.  She's beautiful.  She has beautiful blue eyes, fringed by a dark blonde eyelashes, long blonde hair that has lightened in the sun as she spends as much time as possible outside.  She has the cutest little nose, and the sweetest smile.  She's smart.  She puzzles things out quickly, can add and subtract basic numbers already and loves to read.  She loves to be pretty.  Doing her nails, hair, make up, getting dressed up, those make her so happy.  She's scruffy.  As much as she likes doing her hair, she hates brushing it.  She gets filthy, quite happily, as she plays in the sand or the mud.  She can stand up for herself.  She knows who she is and is very confident in herself.

She's so emotional.  Anything can set off a tantrum full of tears and screaming.  

She's sensitive.  Sometimes, the smallest harm coming to something or someone else can set her to tears, worrying about how they are feeling.

She's friendly.  A little shy sometimes, but she can be won over with a smile and a joke.  But she's still cautious.  

She cuddles and loves big.  She loves her stuffed animals and tea sets.  Loves to have little tea parties in her bed at night with her "friends".  

I'm looking forward to watching her grow.  I'm looking forward to watching her change, explore, learn.  

I'm looking forward to her first boyfriend.  And I'm not looking forward to her first boyfriend.  I'm not looking forward to her first heartbreak, but I will be there when it happens, telling her how she's good enough and someone out there will one day love her for her intelligence, beauty and strength.

I'm looking forward to her first baby.  That experience that blows away most mothers.  That moment, through all the pain and strain of labour, only to have that all blow away in a millisecond, as they place that baby in her arms and she looks at her firstborn.  

It's because of Olivia that I know that feeling of pain and then extreme, rapid euphoria.  I didn't have the epidural when I had her.  I felt no less love for my boys with the epidural, but my birth experience with Olivia was incredibly different because of the lack of pain intervention.  While I LOVED having the epidural, I'm very glad I had the experience of birth without one.  It taught me a lot.

I just want her to grow up, happy, confident.  I never want her to dumb herself down for a boy.  She should never settle for mediocrity.  She should always strive for the best in herself and in others.  I hope that she won't suffer self esteem issues to the degree we see young girls suffer from them today.  It would be naive to assume that she will never suffer from self esteem issues, but I want her to be able to overcome them with dignity and grace.  I just don't want her to bring herself down to please others around her.  I want her to live with as few regrets as possible.  I want her to be active, enjoy the outdoors, take pleasure in the small things.  

It's amazing how differently we view our daughters compared to our sons.  I know I worry more about Olivia in the psychological sense.  Girls don't fight outright normally.  It's psychological warfare within the community of girls.  And unlike the days when I grew up, it's almost impossible to avoid it.  Social media creates a world in which they are in constant connection with people and how they think.  

It will all be a case of guidance.  Teaching her that there are few people in the world who's opinion really matters.  And that she has the control to give those people the power to influence her and her opinions.  

It's a scary world.  But Olivia has a world of opportunity facing her.  There are still barriers that she has to face in the future.  Hopefully, if we are proactive, those barriers won't be there or as hard to scale, but if we teach her to draw from her own strength, she will make it.  

Happy birthday Princess.  Life is just so much better with you in it!  

Even Bitches Can Teach Us Something

I have a friend who has a pitbull who just had a litter of puppies.  At first, she had eight, but unfortunately, one puppy died.  

I was talking to my friend, making arrangements for Logan to go to their home for a sleepover this weekend.  I had to ask about the puppies and their mom.  

She told me that when her bitch had 7 puppies, she seemed really overwhelmed.  Unfortunately, once again, they lost a pup, and the litter went down to 6.  After that, their dog noticeably relaxed.  However, 6 hungry, active puppies still make their mom very nervous and overwhelmed.  She's a first time mom, and while she's great at it, the pups are 3 weeks old and just a going concern.  So she needs her own space to have a "mommy time out" in her crate in the garage.  Just some quiet, away from her brood.

I said to my friend "Isn't is amazing how a dog knows when she's overwhelmed by her babies that she needs time out, yet us moms don't realize it until we're so stressed out, we don't know which way is up?!"  

So it sparked this blog.  

In the past five years, I've learned that I'm not Super Woman.  I'm a mom, a wife, a housekeeper, a cook, cleaning lady, nurse (not officially, but I can do boo boos like no one else) and I take on other various tasks and positions as needed.  

But I'm not Super Woman.  

I can't do it all.  I NEED time to unwind, relax and reconnect with myself.  

And guess what?  If you're a mom, you do too.  

You don't have to do it all.  You don't have to worry about every tiny little thing so that they build into an overwhelming mountain of anxiety, unhappiness and disconnect.  

I have had many many days where I've just wanted to tear my hair out by the roots, run naked down the street, screaming, while the men in white coats come and strap me down to a bed and take me to a psych ward.  

At least there, it would be peaceful.  I could think.  

But, that's not going to happen.  Especially not now.  I've finally gotten the clarity I've needed through therapy and my daily medications, that have helped me maintain my sanity, thus avoiding the white coats and psych wards!

I bet you're thinking "Oh yeah.  Sure.  I have work, kids, house, etc".  

So do I.  But I find ways.  Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.

Here's what I do.  

Call a friend.  When was the last time you called a friend, went for coffee?  Had a real face to face with a friend, no kids yelling and asking for things.  Just you, a friend and adult conversation.  Take an hour or two.  It's very refreshing.

Or just call a friend.  See if there's a moment when the kids are quiet, (rare, I know) and just chat.  Talk politics, religion, books, movies, how you're feeling, how your friend is feeling.  Just...talk.  Avoid talking about Treehouse TV, Disney TV or any other child's show, unless it pertains to a more important and adult topic.

Take a bath.  Or, take a shower.  Whatever it is you need.  Put something in the tub.  Bath salts...or just Epsom salts.  Plain Epsom salts have relaxing qualities and aren't terribly expensive.  I know lots of crafty moms who could probably figure out how to make their own bath salts on the cheap!  Shave, wash your hair, scrub your day off and let it go down the drain!  The dishes are in the sink?  Who cares?  They'll be there tomorrow.  Laundry?  Phhhtt...whatever.  It doesn't do itself.  Just let it go.  Breathe.  

Find a guided imagery app for free on your phone.  Then plug in headphones, tune out the world and listen to the soothing voice, instructing you on how to breathe, what muscles to relax.  If the dishes or laundry float past, let them.  If the bills float past, let them.  Any thing else comes to mind...let it float by.  I've been told "if it's important, it will come back later."  Just focus on YOU!  Find some music that helps you relax, or just speaks to you.  Listen to your breathing.

Watch TV.  Pick something completely mindless, grab a drink of water and a healthy snack and let your mind free.  

When was the last time you saw a movie that didn't have bombs exploding or princesses saving kingdoms?  Can you think of one?  I can count on two fingers how many I've seen in the past six months that didn't have explosions or princesses.  

Take up a hobby you love.  Scrapbooking, blogging, gardening, photography, stamp collecting or underwater basketweaving.  Knitting, friendship bracelets, crocheting, you name it.  Did you have a hobby you had to let go of because of kids?  Pick it up again.  Most of the time, it's like riding a bicycle.  You can get it going again.  

Go for a walk.  By yourself, or with your partner.  Go outside, look at the trees.  Look at the clouds, stop and smell the flowers.  I'm talking literally.  Go to a park with a lake or pond and watch the birds glide across the water, or listen to the birds.  Watch the bugs skate across the water.  

Read a book.  Pick up something that you can sink into, put yourself into the part of one of the characters.  Delve into it.  Let your mind just take you to that place!

Whatever it is that you can think of that will help relax you, reconnect you to yourself, try it. Every single day, we have work, kids, house, family, friends, everything else that weighs on our minds.  We make excuses.  We don't have the time, we don't have the money, we don't have the energy.  I get it all...I have made every single excuse there is.  

The best way to raise healthy, happy children is to have a happy healthy mom.  Are you feeling depressed?  Perhaps that walk will help to bring you to thinking about why you feel that way.  And if you can pinpoint it, find someone you can talk to.  I find that having someone outside of my comfort circle is wonderful.  I can say whatever I want, without reproach.  Am I mad at someone?  Why hold it in?!  They can't/won't say anything.  They might even be able to help you figure out why you're angry with them.  Or if they are even a healthy influence in your life.  Sometimes, you gotta cut out the negative people who don't help you move forward.

Are you unhappy with yourself?  Why?  Self esteem?  Body image issues?  There is lots of help out there, you just have to grab it.  Unhappy in your marriage?  Why?  How do you think you can work on it?  Do you think your spouse would be open to help?  Do they feel the same way?  Want to change jobs?  Need more schooling?  These quiet moments are good times to assess your life.  Take stock of your needs and wants.  Count your blessings and thank the Heavens your family is healthy and you are too.  We focus too much on the negative, the guilt...Moms, we need to stop that!

So, like a dog, after a litter of puppies, we mommies need time for ourselves.  Our own crate in the garage, so to speak.  A time to reconnect with ourselves, a time to look in and take stock.  Everyday is a new day and even if it doesn't work the first time, try again.  Or try a different approach.  

And those changes, however small or large they may be, might not only help you reconnect with yourself and your body, mind and spirit, but also will help connect you with your family and friends.  

Don't neglect yourself.  You deserve your own space sometimes.  

Seeing The Forest Through the Trees

One thing I struggle with daily is being overwhelmed. 

I look at the laundry, overwhelming.

I look at the toys, overwhelming.

I look at the dishes, overwhelming. 

I look at my desk, overwhelming.  

Don't even get me started on the rest of the house.  I watch "Hoarders" and always feel better about my house, because while it's cluttered, it's not disgusting.  We have a lot of stuff crammed into a small space, dominated by large people.  I'm not saying we're fat or anything (though...I am!  LOL) Anyway, the kids are growing rapidly and often I find myself looking at all the "stuff" we have and shaking my head.

I hate throwing out the kids toys though.  I know.  They have LOTS!  Overall, they have too much.  And I've kept things I should have been tossing years ago.  I still have baby toys for Heaven's sake!

Part of it was just looking at it and thinking about how much work it will be.  How overwhelming this job will be.  Not seeing a solution.  Just seeing the mess.

Interestingly enough, this week, I'm seeing the solution.  

For most, the solution would be clear.  Sorting, tossing, donating, saving, whatever needed to be done.  I've sorted, tossed and donated before, but it rarely stays the way I want it to stay.  It can be extremely frustrating.  I get things set up in a way that makes sense to me, then less than a week later, it doesn't look like I even tried.  

Again, part of it is the sheer scale of the amount of stuff.  The other side of it, I just don't get the help to maintain the situation.  

So.  Things are changing.

Toys and books will stay upstairs or in the basement.  I don't want to see toys on my main floor.  If I pick up a toy, even an important toy, it goes in a bin.  If they want it back, they do a chore.  Earn it back.  I'm tired of picking it all up.  

Grady's favorite toys, trains, trucks, cars, that type of thing, up to the boy's room.  Olivia's room is currently torn apart, but I've made some progress with her stuff.  Logan's toys and Lego, basement.  At least I know they will have spots for their own things.  One day, they will have their own rooms.  Then the toys will be in their own rooms.  

I'm already impressed at how the kids have taken to my cubby system.  Each kid has their own little cubby in the shelf that used to house the toys in the living room, as well as Jeff and myself.  If I want my own business to be successful, I need to have myself organized, and my home as well.

I'm finding myself become apathetic to the situation.  That's one step towards being a hoarder.  If I don't have help from the kids and husband maintaining the organization, why bother?  I'm not saying Jeff doesn't help me with the house.  QUITE the contrary.  He's an amazing help with the floors, dishes, garbage, etc.  But when it comes to maintaining my organization, it just doesn't happen.  Then I lose my patience and just give up.

Now though, I see the clutter, but I SEE THE SOLUTION!  That's a huge deal!  Before, I see the problem...and then I worry about the problem.  I think of solutions, then I think of ways it won't work.  

This is awesome!  A breakthrough!!  And it feels good.  It feels good to see the positive side of it.  See how it will work, how I will manage it and how I will make sure that everyone in our home participates.  This doesn't just affect the house as a whole, but also the kids school functions and homework, it affects the amount of paper in the house and how we deal with it, it helps with my own mind and helps reduce my frustration.

The saying is true, "If Mommy isn't happy, nobody in the house is happy!"  And in our home, that is a big truth!  LOL  

It's MY Business

As some people know, I run a home business.

Or rather, I did run a home business.  

I signed on to Passion Parties last October.  I wanted to do it and make it successful, but I wasn't ready.  I did do a party, had the BEST time, and really wanted to do it again!  I managed to make a decent sale in January, and after that, that was it.

In reality, I really had many strikes against me.  

I was suffering with undiagnosed ADHD, I was depressed in the wintertime, I was overwhelmed, dealing with Logan and his own attention issues, sick kids, and the list goes on and on.  Come April, I was diagnosed with the ADHD, wound up with shingles, sick boys, then managed to wind up with two more other difficult and painful health issues.  

In the past few weeks, since I've managed to get past all of these issues, I've found my head clearing.  

About two weeks ago, I started thinking of my business again.  I was thinking of ways I could make it work.  I could hold a relaunching party, inviting all my friends, family, acquaintances.  I had a ton of ideas.  

The best part?  It felt RIGHT.  It felt DOABLE.  It felt like a GREAT IDEA!

During Olivia's birthday party, my sponsor and her family came.  She had to go a bit early so as I was saying good bye to her, I mentioned that I'd been thinking of relaunching my business.  She encouraged me.  That was Saturday.

Wednesday, I was on the board that I chat on Facebook.  The women there are awesome.  Funny, entertaining, open-minded, honest, opinionated, the whole gamut.  I love reading their posts, I like trying to suggest ideas that will help them through parenting.  I ask questions and often get really helpful feedback.  While just chilling and surfing through the board, I noticed one of the ladies wanted to do a PP party.  I posted and told her I'd do it!

Then it dawned on me, I might not be able to!!!  But, this was too coincidental.  This had to be a sign.  (sounds very strange, I know, but it felt right as well.)  I contacted my sponsor and she told me that I'd "rolled out" and that I'd have to wait to re-sign and pay to get back on.  I would have to call head office to see what I'd have to do and make sure I can get back on easily.

Thursday, I was sick.  I didn't get to call head office.  I forgot.  I realized it at the end of the night.

Friday, I was out and about, and received a text from a friend asking if I wanted to do a party on July 6th!  

OF COURSE I DO!!!

That spurred me to call head office where I found out that I had two options.  They could make me current again, but I'd have to make the entire $600 in the month of July.  That's a lot of pressure.  If I decided to re-sign, pay $200, I get new catalogues, new fliers, new everything, I also get the chance to restart, the same as a brand new consultant and I'd have all the benefits that go along with that.  Not as much pressure, I'll get a new kit, along with new catalogues that I'll need anyway.  No brainer.  I asked if I could make sure that re-sign with my current sponsor and she said yep!  

On Monday, my first contact sent me a message asking if I could do a party for her friend who's having trouble finding a consultant.  Yes...yes, I can.  I'll even move my anniversary over if she couldn't reschedule for the next night.  She could reschedule, so I do the party on the 29th.  

YES!

Then I talked to another lady who I know does other home based businesses.  She has interesting products and I'm curious.  I offered to swap.  She holds a party for me, I'll hold one for her.  She booked for the start of August that night.  So now, to fulfill my promise, I need to figure out a date for one of her parties.  No issues.  

I've been thinking of how to present my business.  I have many friends, of many different ways of thinking.  I have an idea:

I'm going to say to some of my "not so adventurous" friends "why not hold a party with just the bath and body products?"  This way, we can talk about reconnecting with their partner.  It doesn't have to get down and dirty.  I totally respect that.  

In reality, I think that the most important part of my business is the reconnecting with one's partner.  I've learned this through my own experiences.  Marriage, as I said in a previous blog, is work.  It's also important to connect with your partner, taking time to talk, not only verbally, but physically.  

Another side to this is taking time for ourselves.  By "ourselves" I mean us hardworking mommies.  With kids, work, appointments, other commitments, we often lose ourselves and find little time to indulge in our own desires.  I have body washes, body scrubs, body butter...why not take a bath and give yourself a spa?  Take the day, wash it away and relax.  Just let it flow away, down the drain.  Breathe deeply, let go of the worries, the tension, the mistakes, whatever you have on your mind, and let it flow away.

However, I will admit, the toys are a lot of fun to show.  There's nothing more fun than showing the toys, listening to the commentary, the jokes, the laughing.  And even if I do a body products party, I will still have my entire kit for those who are curious to see what else I offer.  

Having a home business does come with stress.  I have often found it difficult to ask for parties because I don't want to be rejected.  I don't want to be pushy, and I don't want to put pressure on anyone.  I want them to feel like I'm helping them, helping them find the inner Goddess.  Help them find that little voice in their bodies that let's them release the pressure of the day.  

With how my mind feels, how motivated I feel, how good I feel, I think I can make this work. I'm excited at the prospect of having fun.  I'm excited at the prospect of helping out my family finances.  I'm excited at the prospect of meeting new people, helping them reconnect with their partner, or even reconnect with themselves.  

I'm excited at feeling so positive and excited.  

WHOA Nelly!!!

Thanks Coke Zero for spiking me so high right now on caffeine that I am literally buzzing like a freak.

I've been really good at keeping out of the caffeine lately.  Decaf coffee, some diet pop here and there, but mostly water and I add citrus fruit or some mint and stevia to tea.  It's been great.  

A couple nights ago, I had to go to Target to get a mop.  I wound up getting a bit (Okay...six bottles of 710 ml) of Coke Zero.  Of course, I figured I could handle it.  I'm a seasoned coffee drinker.  Love the stuff.  But since my Concerta really makes me skittish and jittery, I figured I should cut back.  It's really hard to find a good selection of decaf coffees.  Apparently, the call for it just isn't as great.  

I can understand.  I've met people who drink coffee strictly for it's effects, not for the taste.  Not only did I drink it for the effects (turns out it can calm ADHD sufferers) but I also drank it because I actually LIKE the taste of a nice, hot, steaming cup of coffee, lightly laced with sugar (will be stevia in the winter if my plants turn out as well as I hope) with a generous dose of cream, 10% or 18%.  

Some mornings, I still miss my coffee.  I miss sitting at the computer, on the couch, with my cup of coffee, breakfast and checking Facebook while I watch the morning news.  Some mornings, those moments can stretch out to a couple of wonderful, relaxing hours.  Other mornings, I do the same, but then at nine, I hit the gym.  I always get the kids up, make their breakfasts and lunches (or snacks) and then sit down for my coffee.  I'm not doing that anymore.  If I'm completely honest, I definitely am sleeping better, but I still miss my daily coffee.

Today, I decided to drink what has turned out to be TOO MUCH COKE ZERO!  I mean, literally.  

I decided this past weekend that it's time to get the toys off my main floor.  This has to happen so that I can maintain a glimmer to people that I am indeed a decent housewife.  This has to happen so that I can organize my life a bit more.  I have ideas on how I'm going to do this, and it involves taking the toys off my main floor, leaving a lovely shelving unit free to use for the following:

Top two cubbies, mommy and daddy cubbies.  This is where daddy places his papers for work, instructions for bikes, manuals, anything that he things he needs to save.  My cubby will hold a sorting station.  It will have my business items, my important notices, my way of dealing with bills, receipts.  On top of that, it's a place for the kids to put their papers from school.  The second level of cubbies will be for Logan and Olivia.  On those, they will put their library books so they don't get lost, any homework that needs to be done, and any artwork they wish to keep.  The art cabinet will stay the same, but the cubbies will be a place to store some stuff.  Grady's cubby will be on the third level.  I'm not sure what I'll find on it, but I'm sure it will be interesting.  Right now, probably food.  There will be three cubbies left.  I think that I will use those to sort books.  Give a spot for books so the kids can find something, either take it to their rooms or read it down here.  Otherwise, the toys are being sorted and placed in either the boy's room, Olivia's room or the basement.  

In order to sort the toys, it will take a monumental effort.  I am not one to throw out toys.  I'm not a 100% sure why that is, but it's like I'm a kid again in some ways.  My daughter's closet resembles my own closet back home when I was a kid.  It's full of just...stuff.  

I want her to be able to have her own space.  We've already started that.  She has a loft bed now.  She's too tall to stand or sit on a chair under it right now (we might replace it with a bigger one in the future when it's Grady's turn to have a loft bed.) so I took a shelf that she had in her room, turned it on it's side and placed it under her bed.  Beside it, I took most of the really big stuffies she has, a little lamp she got for her birthday and put books on that shelf.  She now has a space to sit down and read if she wants some quiet time.  I've taken apart the two massive blue bins she had in her closet and made one strictly for Barbies, another for baby dolls.  Then there will be bins for her food and dish toys, I am hoping to make enough space so that she can have the kitchen that's in the basement at the end of her bed.  Add to it the tons of stuffies, and we have a potentially, really fun girl room.  She has Littlest Pet Shop, many My Little Ponies and a few other items.  

For Logan, it's the Lego.  He's incredibly interested in it.  Today, I hit up the basement to find some cars, trucks, trains and airplanes to take up to the boy's room for Grady to play with.  I moved the train table my brother in law and husband made for Logan when he was two, back up there and put it under Logan's loft bed.  In the basement, I found numerous additions to Grady's new space.  While doing that, I also managed to find many many many pieces of Lego.  I have a very large bin, about 2 inches full of Lego.  I've also managed to find more Duplo for Grady, and lots of dishes and food toys for Olivia.  She was thrilled.  She can pretty much make a grocery store AND a restaurant in her kitchen.  It'll be a little cramped in her room for a bit, until I see what else we can do, but otherwise, she's content.  

This all means sorting toys from the main floor, Olivia's room (I moved most toys out of the boys room about a year ago, so their room isn't too bad right now) and the basement.  In that process, there will be tossing of toys that are broken, toys that won't probably be played with and I am in the process of going through baby toys (!!!! You'd think I could have done THAT sooner  !!!!) and either donating them to Good Will and/or passing some onto friends with little babies that might need a few toys.  If they're in particularly rough shape, I might just toss them, but overall, I'm getting through it.

I'm talking about this, because it's really interesting to me how I get into this type of situation.  I am not a big fan of housekeeping, and while things can get "messy" or "disorganized", some of the problem is that the scope of the issue is far beyond just normal housekeeping duties.  We're talking stuff EVERYWHERE.  There are five people who live here, and we all have lots of things.  My desk area constantly looks like a tornado blew through it, so hopefully my cubby solution will help.  The main idea is to find a spot for everything and teach my kids (along with Jeff and myself) how to maintain that.  It's important to me so that I can keep my own very cluttered and often anxious mind at ease.  I've found that when things are in their place, tidy and clean, I feel much more content and relaxed.  If I keep having to look at the constant clutter and disarray, I feel very anxious about it.  

I get anxious because I don't want people to think I'm lazy.  That's not necessarily the case.  I'm generally a fairly energetic person.  Most of the time, what seems like laziness comes down to apathy and feeling overwhelmed.  Then when I DO start a task, oftentimes, I get distracted.  It can be the kids, making a meal, or even just the internet or television.  I get these waves of energy, that come through very rapidly, I work hard, get frustrated because I AM the only one doing it, and get it done.  Getting it done is always satisfying and relaxing, but the next day I'm blown.  There's no energy left to get more done.  Then it all falls apart.  

This would be a part of one of my struggles.  Consistency.  I think that having a solid routine in the fall (Routine falls apart in the summertime for me) will be extremely helpful.  I know that in the falltime, we will get into a good rhythm and hopefully with practice and dedication, I can maintain it and keep my anxiety down to normal.  

The biggest issue for tonight won't be anxiety.  

It will be the caffeine high I'm currently riding!!  I wouldn't call me tonight if I were you.  I'm not capable of a coherent conversation, I think.  LOL!!!

Married for Ten Years...And It Just Keeps Getting Better!

When I was growing up, I never had many boyfriends.  There were a few reasons for that.

First off, I wasn't very popular.  I was kind of loud, different, oftentimes, bigger than a lot of the boys.  I was pretty naive, which in the long run, proved helpful for me.

I wasn't the prettiest girl.  And of course, "knowing" that meant that I didn't give out any confidence that would attract anyone to me.

I was probably in a lot of danger of getting into unhealthy relationships because of my self-esteem.  Again, as I said, I was a people pleaser.  I had lots of crushes, but I doubt any of them were ever reciprocated.  I had a boyfriend when I was 15, that lasted almost a year.  It wasn't the healthiest relationship, but it taught me valuable lessons.  In some ways, it probably served me well too.

I had one more official boyfriend when I was 16/17.  It was an online relationship.  I moved down to his house right out of high school and then we wound up back in the Yukon.  He went back home to his parents.  The following spring, I met Jeff.

Jeff and I have a ton of things in common.  Many mutual friends growing up, his mom worked with my dad, my dad had mutual friends with his parents.  We'd gone to school together since Kindergarten.  We're in each of our class photos from Kindergarten until grade 6, with the exception of Grade 4.  My best friend dated his brother, his brother was in the same grade as my sister.  Lots of coincidences.  

But our paths rarely, if ever crossed.  

In grade 12, I worked at Hougen's Photo, and had that long distance boyfriend.  One night, while I was at work, Jeff came up to me and started just chatting.  Small talk, nothing major. I was a bit surprised, because I knew him to be fairly quiet, kept to himself.  I hadn't really talked to him before.  He said "Okay then, see you later."  As he was walking away, his brother came up to him and said "Hey!  Did you ask her?"  Jeff said "no."  His brother says "Go ask her!"  

I was a bit confused, but as Jeff came up to me, he says "So, do you have anyone to go to grad with?"  I said "No."  He said "Do you want to go with me?"  I said "Sure!"  He said, "Really?  Okay then!"  And left.  

Grad came, we went together, had our pictures taken, did our dances, and went our separate ways.  He went to Dawson City, I went to Lethbridge.  

In April of 1997, Jeff came back to town.  I had moved back to Whitehorse the past September, my ex-boyfriend had left in January of 1997.  My friend was dating his brother again and told me about it.  I don't remember everything, but I was single, I guess I asked her if we could go visit them and then we started dating.

Jeff was incredibly different.  He was confident, self-assured, honest, faithful, hardworking, friendly.  He was respectful, funny, witty, smart.  He and I had lots of common interests, including the outdoors, hiking, camping.  We have a very similar sense of humor.  We have common tastes in movies, books, tv shows.  His family is similar to mine in many philosophies.  I always feel extremely comfortable with his family.  I've learned a lot from them.  I never had a big family, and it was very intimidating when I met them, but they were open and so much fun!  Getting his family together can be a real undertaking, but always something to look forward to!  

There are some glaring differences as well.  Where I'm highly social, trusting, open to everything, Jeff's quieter, enjoys being home and out of crowds, cynical and sometimes difficult to get to know.  That, I'm sure took time on both our parts to get used to.  I'm sure my social nature irritates him and I know that often his anti-social nature irritates me sometimes.  But, I've gotten over it.  I'll say to him "I've been invited to this event.  Do you want to get a sitter and come with  me, or would you rather stay home?"  He'll tell me what he wants to do.  That way, he gets to enjoy his quiet time and time with the kids, and I don't have to worry about whether Jeff is comfortable or not.  If it's a group he's unfamiliar with, he's very quiet.  I don't like it if he's unhappy because of me.   

I'm highly emotional, irrational, scattered and a bit flighty.  Jeff's analytical, pragmatic, logical and sometimes irritatingly rational.  He grounds me.  All the time!  He reminds me when I'm being over the top, he brings me to reality.  I think that sometimes, I help open him to new ideas.  

He's opened me up to new experiences.  There are things, like hiking the Chilkoot Trail, that wouldn't have done.  He cheers me on and supports me no matter what.  He puts up with my emotional rollercoaster, my irrationality.  He tells me when I'm not being "normal".

As a father, I can't say enough.  Literally.  It would take me weeks to go on and on about how awesome he is.  He works super hard to make sure that we have the life we need, and gives us extras when they are available.  

He's a great sounding board.  I think sometimes, he just tunes me out and lets me ramble.  Sometimes, I'm cool with that.  Sometimes, I'm like "So...what did I just say?"  LOL  He gets a bit sheepish, then I have to repeat myself.  But it's all good.

We've had our ups, we've had our downs.  Seeing as we've been together since we're 18, overall, we've grown up together.  We've weathered some storms in our relationship, but we always manage to come back to each other.  

If I had to give advice on how we've made it work, I'd say that the biggest thing we've always done is worked on it.  We talk...or rather, I talk, he listens, then we figure it out.  We give each other permission to get upset, get mad, be honest and let each other have the reaction we're going to have.  It's safe.  Then, we can talk it over, explain where we are coming from.  I've learned that I shouldn't be defensive on everything.

Marriage is difficult.  It's work.  It's two people who are very different in many ways, and often have many similarities.  People say marriage is a joke.  It's only  joke because nobody takes it serious anymore.  They get together, know each other for a matter of months, hop into marriage and then realize this person is who they thought they were.  NOW, please, don't take me as saying "Every marriage that started after only months of knowing one another always ends."  That's not even close.  I'm saying that generally speaking, those types of relationships don't work.  HOWEVER, there are ALWAYS exceptions.  Jeff and I were together for six years before we were married.  Sounds a bit extreme, but we were 18 when we started dating, 24 when we married.  

I'm not saying people need to be together for great lengths of time before marrying.  6 years is a bit extreme, I know.  I know couples who were together for 10 years, got married and it fell apart.  

Marriage is work.  It's constant growing and changing.  It's give and take.  It's communication, faithfulness, honesty, trust.  Sometimes you have to compromise.  Sometimes your spouse has to compromise.  You should learn together, grow together, take time together.  Get to really know one another.  Ask the tough questions.  Learn to trust.  Communication is huge.  Understanding where one another are coming from.  Learning to resist being defensive.  Learning to try to not put your partner on the defensive.  

These aren't lessons I went into my relationships knowing.  I went into my relationships with as open eyes as I could have had.  I learned and took the lessons to the next relationship.  And in that next relationship, I learned something else and brought it to another relationship.  

If I ever thought our marriage was in big trouble, I'd do everything in my power to fix it and lay out all the issues before saying "We're done."  I'd take the time to make sure there's nothing I could change, suggest ideas for both of us.  Only when we'd exhausted all the avenues, came to a consensus and could split healthily and amicably, then, and only then, would I let it go.  

I'm where I wanted to always be.  A married woman, mother of three beautiful children, at home with them.  We don't live a very "conventional" modern life.  We live a fairly old style type life.  Our kids have me at home while their dad is out working.  We made that choice together.  We talked about it from the start.  I didn't come into my marriage thinking that he'd be in a normal 9-5 job.  I knew there would be separation, I knew there'd be something different about how we lived, compared to others.  And we make it work.  

I've been asked in the past if the money is worth it.  That's a very loaded question.  On one hand, it is.  We have a comfortable lifestyle, we don't struggle anymore, we always have what we need.  When Jeff is home, he's home for 2 weeks, currently, and he's a very present father.  He doesn't just lay around and do nothing.  He's not made that way.  He definitely relaxes, but there are always things to do.  

On the other hand, he's away for a very long time.  He's not a military father, which I'm thankful for.  Military wives have a harder road that even I do.  Their partners are gone for months at a time, rather than weeks.  And it's far more dangerous where they go.  But he still misses out on things.  He missed Olivia's birth.  Grady and Olivia don't know any better because their dad has been coming and going for the last five years.  Logan is getting older now and definitely needs his dad.  And I admit it, I often miss him.  I like having him here.  I like feeling secure, safe and loved.  We don't even have to talk.  I just like to know he's in the room, the house, the city.  

I look at his family, his parents, his grandparents, and I see us there in the future.  We could make it until 84 and celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary.  Watching our kids grow together, watch our grandchildren and great grandchildren.  Give them an example of what love, respect, honesty and trust is.  Prove to them that marriage is not an archaic institution. Show that that with a little work, a little give and take and a lot of understanding and love, marriage can be a blessing.  Nobody is the head in our home.  He runs the money, I run the house.  We respect each other.  I'm not perfect.  He's not perfect.  I have things I can change, lots of things I have changed.  Same with him.  There will always be hurdles, mountains, valleys, but there will always be each other.  

And that's always the best part.  Knowing I always have someone I can count on, talk to, lean on, trust, laugh with, love, cherish.  And he knows that he always has the same in me.  

Self-Esteem and Growing Up.

Growing up, I was generally a happy kid.  Even through all of the tough times, I tried to be a happy kid.  

That was on the outside.  Sometimes, the outside reflected how I felt on the inside, but not all the time.  I wasn't always as happy as I seemed.  

Turned out, I fooled a lot of people.  Not everyone, but enough to get by without having to talk about what was going on in my head.

I was always anxious.  Always worried about what other people thought.  Worried if I was talking too much, which would then send me into a spiral, where I'd start talking even more.  It was pretty vicious.

I've often felt like I was a walking joke.  I wound up turning the tables and joking about myself, even thought it hurt most of the time.  I started to get hard.  I started to do the "get them before they get me" sort of thing.  And really, this wasn't even all that long ago.  

After I had Logan, I made leaps and  bounds in how I felt about myself.  I felt more confident, I was a mom, I had someone to protect, someone who loved me and I loved no matter what happened in the world.  I still struggled with my own self image.  I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, whatever.  Even if I was told I  was...  I still never thought I was enough.  I questioned my parenting, even though I was told many times how good of a mom I was.  It wasn't the best time.

I've talked about what turned the tide with the anxiety.  It was a very bad day when Olivia was about 1 and Logan was 3 or 4.  I just lost it.  I got help for the anxiety.  But I still couldn't contemplate that I was good enough.  More often than not, the old feelings would creep up and I'd wind up feeling low about myself again.  At least the anxiety was manageable.  Check one issue off.

When I was a kid, I spent much of my time trying to please people.  I worked hard at trying to be good all the time.  I rarely got into major trouble, managed to get through my teenaged years without drinking too much (I think maybe twice) and never tried a cigarette or any recreational drugs.  I wanted to be everyone's friend and often felt bad when someone rejected me.  I was bullied, teased, gossiped about, treated generally poor in many ways.  Even as I grew up, that didn't always change.  I managed to be a doormat even when I didn't want to be.  

But no matter how much I didn't want to be that doormat, I often was because I hated, and still hate, conflict.  So I rarely stood up for myself.  I would just let it happen, move on and fret about it.  I could spend days, months, even years, worrying about one thing that happened in the past and how I would deal with it.  Or, I would go back to it in my mind, think about what I should have said or done, beat myself up over not standing up for myself. Sometimes I was the doormat because it meant that I could be that person's friend.  I'm very lucky that it never got me into worse trouble than it occasionally had.  I had a very strict line though;  I wouldn't ever do anything criminal.  There were a few times I was strong enough to walk out of the situation.  But I never felt pride in that.  Only shame, because let's face it, I let my friends down.  Or people who weren't really my friends...I was just really an easy target.

Into adulthood, things never really got better.  The people pleasing was just as bad.  I would be bullied at work, and again, just let it go.  I really shouldn't have.  I was an impossible pushover.  

Compared to those times, I'm not even remotely the same person.  

I still don't like conflict.  But now, if someone decides to bully me, go ahead.  I'll just walk away and forget about them.  I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt, but I don't have time for them anymore if they aren't willing to respect me for who I am.

People want to talk about me?  Go ahead.  Have at it.  They won't offend me.  Chances are, they are completely unaware of the entire situation, or they are just bullies.  And usually, it gets back to me.  I fume, I rant, I get over it.  I don't have time for drama.  

Doormat?  Well.  That's still a tough one.  I have a difficult saying no.  I want to be able to help everyone, everywhere.  I've had situations where it would affect my family negatively.  It can't happen.  My kids, my home, my family are my number one priority.  And if someone can't understand it, there's nothing I can do about it.  

How do I see myself?  I don't want to sound egotistical, but I'm going to indulge for a minute.

I'm strong.  I never thought I was, but looking back on my past, recent and distant, I've come through a lot.  I'm resilient.  That's a huge plus.  I get down, of course, but I can bounce back.  And usually, once I bounce back, I'm better than I was before.  I'm smart.  There's no doubt there.  I have a great memory and I love to learn.  I spend a lot of time pondering things, for really no reason in that moment. 

I have a weird thing I'm doing right now.  And I've talked to my dietician about it and her response surprised me.  I'm in the process of making big life changes.  One of those changes is weight loss.  I've lost about 20lbs in the past few months through diet changes and exercise when I can fit it in.  I'm doing one thing, though, that many people would consider unhealthy.  I frequently weigh myself.  Like...several times a day.  For many people losing weight, this can be an unhealthy sign.  They might not be eating, drinking enough, whatever. It becomes an obsession.  This isn't necessarily the deal for me.  It's curiosity.  Does it make sense to you?  I'm curious about my weight.  I'm curious about how I lose it, what I did that day, or didn't do, what I ate, or what I didn't eat.  How much, how little, water, no water, you name it, I think that it's fascinating.  I'm not beating myself up if I go up a pound or two in a day.  One thing that I've noticed is that the more water I drink, the more likely I am to keep my weight where I want it that day.  If I lose a pound, I celebrate it, quietly to myself.  When I mentioned it to my dietician, she said "Yep, that's probably part of the ADHD."  I have a desire to know everything.  Unfortunately, that also makes me sound like a know it all...which I freak out over doing.  

If I have an answer to a question, I want to share it.  I don't mean to sound like a know it all. And sometimes, I'm wrong.  I'm totally capable of admitting it.  I learn quickly and remember things that just sort of pop up.  I joke a lot that I'm a fount of useless knowledge.  I'm not too bad at "Trivial Pursuit".  LOL

Looking back on my life, I marvel that I'm not a more cynical, hard hearted, untrusting individual.  It's quite the opposite.  I'm extremely open to others, their experiences, their conversations, I want to help.  I treasure my relationships with people, and often, with people who have mistreated me.  I have a very forgiving nature.  I don't forget though...I almost always learn, though I have had issues where I haven't always gotten the message the first time.  I have a capacity to distance myself now.  If a person has hurt me, I can distance myself, and see where life takes us.  Sometimes, our relationship becomes repaired and we move on.  Sometimes, that doesn't happen.  I accept it as it comes.  People change, our lives change.  In times of great difficulty, we are often shown who our real friends are.  The ones that come, unquestioningly to the call for help and let us know through their actions that we are important to them.  

Sometimes, we have a relationship that isn't reciprocated.  Very one sided.  I have a couple of those.  I maintain what level I want, then let the other person come to the level I hope they are willing to work towards.  I've always believed that relationships are not something we don't work for.  Any relationship.  Unfortunately, I learned that lesson the hard way.  I maintained many relationships through my own means, never getting any help from their side.  Having my kids changed that.  I don't have time to maintain one sided relationships.  

Here's the thing:  If someone was a friend in the past, regardless of where our friendship was when we parted ways, no matter the amount of time that's passed, if that person were to come to me and ask for help, advice, even just to go for coffee, I wouldn't turn them away.  There is always something in the past that is good to focus on.  Those friendships were part of my life for a reason at one point.  I have a few friends back home in Whitehorse who I always make a big effort to see, no matter how long it's been.  Their friendship means that much to me.  Outside of that, I make sure that friends still up there know I will be there and will make time as I can to see them.  It takes stress off of everyone.  Unfortunately, now that we don't have many family members up there anymore, I don't see us going back up anytime soon.  And sometimes, that makes me sad.  I do have some really good friends up there still.  I manage to maintain contact though.  Thank goodness for Facebook...(Most of the time)

The funny thing about being in my 30's is that I'm realizing daily that I'm still growing up.  Physically, I'm done growing, but emotionally, we change so much all the time based on our lives that we are always growing in some way or another.  Always learning, always growing.  

I've learned since I was a teenager that I have some talents.  I was always jealous of the kids who had physical talent.  The tangible type.  They could sing, act, dance, draw, they were athletic.  I can sing, sort of.  I'm not going to be getting a Grammy anytime soon.  I can act...I liked that, but it was more of an escape rather than an option for my future.  I can't dance.  I look like a bear wallowing in a swamp.  And drawing...I can barely draw a straight line with a ruler.  

When I was 15, a family friend offered me a part time summer job in a photography store.  That opened a world I didn't even know I had any chance of existing in.  Turned out, I am a pretty good photographer!  I've taken some really lovely photos of animals, nature in general.  I look at things a little differently, I guess than others.  I'm good at it, but I'm not great.  I probably won't make a career out of it, but I sure do love looking through the lens.  My kids, my pets, my flowers, anything that I see beauty in, I want to take it's picture.  

As I've grown more, I've discovered other talents.  While I don't consider motherhood a talent, I do find that some women are meant to be stay at home moms, others aren't.  This doesn't make a stay at home a better mom, it just makes her a different mom.  I have the patience to be a stay at home mom.  I have worked a brief time when Olivia was little, and I can tell you, I'm NOT a working mom while having little kids.  Mothers who work full time, hell even part time, amaze me.  I've considered going back to work when being home seems too overwhelming, but most of the time, that comes back to me losing myself in motherhood and not finding enough adult interaction to keep my forever thinking brain from atrophying from talking about Barbies, Lego and Transformers.  I want to talk politics, religion, parenting, schooling, social issues, current events, books, movies, television shows.  Television shows, except for anything on Teletoon, Treehouse, YTV or Disney.  

I've blogged about it and now I've found a new talent.  I love to grow things.  I've been working at it for a while with the houseplants.  I've had lots for a while now and even though I'm the most neglectful plant owner, mine seem to thrive as long as I occasionally water, fertilize and trim them.  My outdoor plants on the other hand need much more attention, and thankfully, being outside is one of my favorite things to do.  I'm recently discovering that petunias might even be able to be re-rooted as I have a large stem on my table that is currently blooming and seems to be growing new roots.  If that happens, that will be terrific! Something new to learn.

So, at this point in my life, I'm feeling wonderful.  The days can be long, hard and sweaty, but I feel good about myself.  I feel good about where I'm heading, I feel good about what I'm learning.  

In the meantime, I'm just going to keep moving forward.  

My Kids and the Hard World

I rarely blog so much in one day, but today's been a real source of inspiration for me.  

Today, my daughter had a moment that she didn't understand and upset her.

She was in a tree with a friend when she spotted a ladybug.  Normally, Olivia's terrified of bugs, and not because of my own fears.  I rarely express them other than in a joking sense when the kids are around.  If anything, as long as the bug isn't hurting us, (or isn't a centipede or cockroach) then I'm very much a "live and let live" type of person.  

When Olivia showed her little friend this ladybug, her friend picked it up and squished it, much to my daughter's horror.  She came into the house, very unsure of how she should act.  I heard her friend outside yelling "I'm sorry Olivia!  I didn't mean to!"  I didn't understand the situation, I thought perhaps there had been some accident and Olivia had been hurt.

But she wasn't crying the way she usually does when she gets hurt.  This was a very unsure, upset and hurt little girl.

I said to her "What happened?"  

I admit, I was a bit alarmed.  This wasn't a typical response to getting hurt.  

She told me the story, tearfully, as she found her blanket.  I told her to come to me and we'd talk about it.  I explained to her how not everyone treats nature and yes, bugs, the same way I do.  Some people don't think of bugs as being helpful.  I showed her pictures of some of the ladybugs we've had in our yard this year.  They had the right effect and made her smile and start talking about ladybugs.  I explained to her that yesterday, I learned that if I had aphids on my tomato plants, some gardening places sell ladybugs and they would eat the aphids, saving our tomato plants.  Olivia's in love with tomatoes.  The kid can eat an entire pint to herself and ask for more.  I planted the tomatoes for Olivia.  

After our talk about the ladybug, we went outside and checked the garden.  I do this every single day.  It's my peaceful moment, to look at what I'm growing, fell the pride in my new-found talent and marvel at the changes that happen overnight.  We checked our dinner plate dahlia and to our surprise, there are FIVE buds.  The older blossom needed some TLC after our recent hailstorm but seems to be doing really well now.  Not as full as it had been, but doing better.

Then we went and looked in the garden.  We tasted some of the leaves of the mint, chocolate mint, the stevia and the onions.  We smelled the oregano, thyme and basil.  We looked and saw blossoms on both tomato plants (there were only blossoms on one yesterday!) and found new blossoms on the cucumber plant.  She told Logan about it and both of them came up with the idea of eating a piece of stevia and mint together.  It tasted like gum!!!  

I know that as time goes on, these types of experiences in their lives will be more difficult to "fix" and make them smile again.  This was a small experience, but one that inspired a moment of love and learning.  I wasn't raised with a consistent womanly influence in my life, I was mostly raised around men.  I am not always attuned to Olivia's needs in the feminine sense of her life.  I'm like most girls, I like flowers, rainbows, kittens, dresses, makeup and pink.  But I'm also a bit rough around the edges.  Olivia's got the capacity to be just as rough and tumble as the boys, but at the same time, she needs her girlie needs met more often.  I'm finding that growing with her is just as much fun as watching her grow.  Her desires for her "girlie" time has been a real joy to me.  Makeup, dolls, flowers, cats and baby dolls.  Talking about clothing, listening to her talk about her "love" of One Direction...it's been a fascinating journey of discovery.  

I am hoping that as she grows and shows me her likes and dislikes, learns about life in the world and how hard it will be, that she will grow to understand that she always has someone to talk to.  I will never turn any of my children away in a time of need.  I know that just looking at ladybug pictures and talking about gardens will not always help to drive away the clouds on a bad day, but I know that as I'm using these small measures right now to drive away those clouds, I'm establishing a relationship that will endure and weather the toughest storms.

And everyday, I'm going to teach them that no matter what, life is important.  Whether it's the tiniest flower or the biggest bug,(even cockroaches and centipedes) that oftentimes, it's just best to leave them alone.  I want them to not only experience life in things like friends, games and books, but also the world at large.  Learning to literally take time to smell the roses, take the time to learn to grow and nurture something, build something, take the time to learn about someone else.  Teaching them that even when it seems like life is at its worst, that the people around you don't always understand or care about your life, that there is always something to experience, love, and nurture.  There is always joy in helping others, even if the favor isn't returned in that moment, the payback is always just around the corner.  People's opinions only matter if we let them.  

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.  If someone does you wrong, you can get mad.  You can cut them off.  If one day, they come to you, apologizing for their wrong to you, why not forgive them?  Why hold on to that pain?  Learn to let go, live life.  People will always come and go in life.  How they let those people affect them is what's most important.  Every person who has come into my life, for short or long periods of time, have always left an imprint on me and how I see the world.  I've been incredibly blessed to have people in my life who were supportive, wonderful and loving, and I've been blessed to have people who were the exact opposite.  Every one of those people have taught me something about myself and how I act in the world.  

Life is full of rejections.  Life is full of acceptance.  Life is full of no, it's full of yes.  The world isn't going to be easy on them.  I pray, like I'm sure my own parents do, that life will be easier for them than it was for me.  Not that my life was extraordinarily difficult, but like everyone, I had my own hurdles to cross, and I'm hoping that my kids will avoid most of them.  But I also want them to understand that with love, understanding and communication, almost all hurdles can be crossed and can be moved past.  Every hurdle has a lesson to teach us and how we take that lesson is the most important part.  

I also want them to understand that in those moments of darkness, there is always someone to love them, care for them and be there for them.  It will not always be me or their dad, but there is always someone, or even something, out there who loves or needs them.  There is always light at the end of it all.  Even in the darkest of moments, there is always some joy, a lesson to take with them, to help them grow and develop into the people they deserve to be.  That in every negative moment, there is always a positive lesson that helps build us up, make us stronger, help us drive forward in a difficult world to live in.  

Father's Day

I'm sure this post will take me a while to write.  I'm sure I'll have to stop for a tissue once in a while.  

Heck.  I'm already needing a tissue and I've only written two sentences.  Okay...three now.  

When I was six, my mom and dad split up.  There were many problems in their relationship, not the least of which were my mom's addiction issues.  

I know that sounds like it's a huge negative thing to have happen for a girl, but in reality, it was for the best.  My mom struggled for many many more years afterwards with her addictions.  

When it comes to how I feel about the whole situation, I suppose the word I'd use is "indifferent".  Now that I'm an adult woman with three kids of my own, many years of counseling and talk therapy under my belt, I can look back on it and say that in the long run, all the right decisions, no matter how difficult they were, were for the best.  Dwelling on it is never a good thing.  So, I put it behind me, use it for my life in a positive way and move forward.

My mom was in no shape to take care of us.  She traveled for many miles and many years, trying to figure out where she should be.  She's since cleaned up, sobered up and earned her degree in counseling those with addictions.  I know that it would have been near impossible to leave us, but being in the place she was in, she just didn't have the facilities to care for us.  

Instead, she left us with our dad.  

For many young girls, the story wouldn't have turned out so positive and wonderful.  For us, it came out just right.  I'm sure much of my dad's grey hair comes from caring for us crazy, hormonal teen girls, never knowing whether we were coming or going, what bothered us, why we were such freaks at times.  I know that we frustrated him with our fighting, our moods and our often confusing and conflicting behavior.  

However, he managed to give us the best example of what we deserved in life.  He worked in a jail, not exactly a stress free environment, to provide food, clothing and shelter.  All the necessities we needed, we had.  We spent many weekends camping and fishing, enjoying the outdoors and learning basic life skills.  He showed us what a real man does in his position, caring for his children and sacrificing his own desires when it came to that point.  He showed us that we were deserving of love and respect, and should never ask for less.  

My dad used humor more often than not, to get through a tough spot.  We got teased and such, and he was always able to bring a smile to our lips....most of the time.  There's nothing worse than a teenaged girl, in the throes of hormonal rage to deter someone from making a joke.  

My dad's advice has always been no nonsense, honest and from the heart.  He never blew smoke up our asses, telling us things that would eventually prove not to be true.  He was always frank in discussing difficult topics like sex, puberty and boys.  He bought all of the "personal items" that we needed, including calling Sears to phone for bras, wherein the lady on the other end of the line asked if they were for him.  He let us make our own choices and learn from the consequences, positive or negative, of that choice.  And then he was there to pick us back up if we fell down after a bad choice.  

We had many women in our lives through family friends who participated in trying to help us grow up to be nice young women, however, when you are raised by, as my sister puts it "a pack of wolves", it probably didn't make it easy for women to provide a more regular example.  Many evenings were filled with dirty jokes, cigarette smoke and farts.  Lots of laughter, lots of jeering and lots of fun.  Some nights, it was cribbage with his buddies, other nights, it was computer golf.  Either way, I grew up in an environment of fun and laughter.  I remember the guys often trying to "out fart" one another.  They would eat something like chili the night before and man...then it got nasty.  

But it was fun.  That was my childhood.  

If I ever had something happen to me, a bully or some more major situation, I could always talk to my dad.  I knew that I could go to him with whatever was on my mind in that moment and usually, if I hadn't picked a bad moment, for which I was famous for, we had a great conversation about whatever was bugging me.  As I got older, I learned much from my dad about politics, justice system, life in general.  There was literally nothing I could ask my dad.  

One day in particular stands out in my mind.  We were watching the news, just at the height of the AIDS scare.  My dad had been at a course that week, where there were AIDS sufferers.  They were trying to educate the general public on AIDS and how it was transmitted.  My dad, working in a correctional facility, needed to have that education and learn how to protect himself, and ultimately us, from AIDS and HIV.  My dad said to us very frankly that evening "So girls, this week, I was at a course about AIDS.  I heard the story of a man who had AIDS and I gave him a hug.  I CANNOT get AIDS from hugging him or any other way unless there is blood transfer."  Now...I know that's not 100% true, considering it's also an STD, however, I was maybe 8 years old and my sister would have been 6.  That was a perfect way to explain it to us.  I never ever forgot that day. 

It was probably also the start of why I am so accepting of anyone I come across, provided they do not harm myself or my loved ones.  My dad worked in a jail, saw many violent and uncaring people come through those doors, but he rarely lost faith in humankind.  He has always been accepting of others, insofar as they do not harm others or bring others down.  

And it's because of my dad that I met a man who would change the course of my life, and how I feel about myself.  

I have known Jeff since we were in Kindergarten.  We had mutual friends growing up, his brother dated my best friend, his brother was in the same grade as my younger sister and his mom worked with my dad at the correctional facility.  We had many similarities, but never really connected until Grade 12 when he asked me to go to grad with him.  

That year, we went to graduation, then went our separate ways.  The following year, in 1998, we reconnected and 16 years later, 10 of those years married and 3 kids, we are still doing wonderfully together.  

We have no big secrets to share with others who are married.  I had no way of predicting that the summer we started dating we'd wind up married with kids.  I wasn't looking for a long term relationship.  I knew he was going to university in the fall and a long distance relationship wasn't something I wanted to go through.  I'd done it before, and hated it.  

Jeff was different.  He was confident, honest.  He never BS'ed anyone and simply put out of his mind anything that simply wasn't important to him in the moment.  I was the exact opposite.  Nervous, low self esteem, frankly, I just didn't believe in myself.  I worried (still do to some extent) of silly things, what people thought of me, what I might have said wrong.  Jeff, he was just the opposite.  

Suddenly, I had someone else in my life who was strong, open and honest, and believed in me.  

I wasn't ever sure about Jeff and kids.  He was always so aloof around other's children, rarely playing with them.  When it came to pets, he was always so (and still is) impatient with them.  I'd always thought that we treat our kids like we'd treat our pets (not locking them up or anything, just how affectionate we are with them).  I was terribly wrong.  

From the moment Logan was born, Jeff was a hands-on father.  He always woke up when the babies did anyway, so many times he would get up and feed them himself, never waking me unless I needed to be.  Other times, he'd wake me and say "It's your turn".  He always understood that being a full time mommy was as much work as being in a job.  He's always helped me with the housework, with a few exceptions that he doesn't like to do, like the bathroom and the laundry, but that's fine.  He sweeps, vacuums, does the dishes, just general tidies up.  

He makes sure that the kids have activities.  Swimming, skiing, whatever they want to try, he will do his best to make sure the kids experience it.  We love to hike, camp, bike...and the kids do too.  He respects me as a woman, teases me because of it, and is showing his sons what a real man does with his family and shows his daughter what type of man she should strive to be with in the future.  

He's not always the nicest guy to people he doesn't like.  He rarely pays lip service to people. I've been asked "why are you with him?"  Frankly, you don't get to see what I see.  I get the best of him.  Everyone else gets what patience he has left for society at large.  And while I'm highly social and love groups, he's just not that way.  It took some time for me to get past that, but now I understand better and not much about it bugs me.  

He works damn hard to make sure that I can stay home with the kids.  

And Jeff's example comes from his own father, who is another amazing man.  

I never, ever have to worry about strong male role models for my children.  They have three right in front of them to show them how to be a good man, for the boys.  And for my daughter, she will understand that she never has to settle for anyone less than an honest, respectful, loving, faithful, hardworking man in her own life.  And if I ever see her beginning to settle for less, I will make damn sure to show her that's exactly what she's doing.  My boys will learn respect for women, learn to listen, not always fix, be upstanding, contributing citizens.  I want them to be able to look at their dad and grandfathers, great grandfather and say "I want to be like him when I grow up!"  And I don't necessarily mean that they need to do what they do for a living.  Just follow their examples so that they can create lives for their own families that might be just a bit better than what they have and will have.  (Not that they have it too hard now)

I've known many other strong, dedicated men in my life.  Many of them were quiet, but humorous and strong in their own ways.  It wasn't always in your face, but it was always there.  I've known some that were macho, manly men, and cared more for their families than anything else in the world.  I've known many who've struggled to be the men they want to be, even in the face of their own pasts.  

And I'm proud to have known and know them today.  They are great men, even if sometimes, they don't feel that way.  All they have is their own pasts and examples to work from and learn from.