Self-Esteem and Growing Up.

Growing up, I was generally a happy kid.  Even through all of the tough times, I tried to be a happy kid.  

That was on the outside.  Sometimes, the outside reflected how I felt on the inside, but not all the time.  I wasn't always as happy as I seemed.  

Turned out, I fooled a lot of people.  Not everyone, but enough to get by without having to talk about what was going on in my head.

I was always anxious.  Always worried about what other people thought.  Worried if I was talking too much, which would then send me into a spiral, where I'd start talking even more.  It was pretty vicious.

I've often felt like I was a walking joke.  I wound up turning the tables and joking about myself, even thought it hurt most of the time.  I started to get hard.  I started to do the "get them before they get me" sort of thing.  And really, this wasn't even all that long ago.  

After I had Logan, I made leaps and  bounds in how I felt about myself.  I felt more confident, I was a mom, I had someone to protect, someone who loved me and I loved no matter what happened in the world.  I still struggled with my own self image.  I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, whatever.  Even if I was told I  was...  I still never thought I was enough.  I questioned my parenting, even though I was told many times how good of a mom I was.  It wasn't the best time.

I've talked about what turned the tide with the anxiety.  It was a very bad day when Olivia was about 1 and Logan was 3 or 4.  I just lost it.  I got help for the anxiety.  But I still couldn't contemplate that I was good enough.  More often than not, the old feelings would creep up and I'd wind up feeling low about myself again.  At least the anxiety was manageable.  Check one issue off.

When I was a kid, I spent much of my time trying to please people.  I worked hard at trying to be good all the time.  I rarely got into major trouble, managed to get through my teenaged years without drinking too much (I think maybe twice) and never tried a cigarette or any recreational drugs.  I wanted to be everyone's friend and often felt bad when someone rejected me.  I was bullied, teased, gossiped about, treated generally poor in many ways.  Even as I grew up, that didn't always change.  I managed to be a doormat even when I didn't want to be.  

But no matter how much I didn't want to be that doormat, I often was because I hated, and still hate, conflict.  So I rarely stood up for myself.  I would just let it happen, move on and fret about it.  I could spend days, months, even years, worrying about one thing that happened in the past and how I would deal with it.  Or, I would go back to it in my mind, think about what I should have said or done, beat myself up over not standing up for myself. Sometimes I was the doormat because it meant that I could be that person's friend.  I'm very lucky that it never got me into worse trouble than it occasionally had.  I had a very strict line though;  I wouldn't ever do anything criminal.  There were a few times I was strong enough to walk out of the situation.  But I never felt pride in that.  Only shame, because let's face it, I let my friends down.  Or people who weren't really my friends...I was just really an easy target.

Into adulthood, things never really got better.  The people pleasing was just as bad.  I would be bullied at work, and again, just let it go.  I really shouldn't have.  I was an impossible pushover.  

Compared to those times, I'm not even remotely the same person.  

I still don't like conflict.  But now, if someone decides to bully me, go ahead.  I'll just walk away and forget about them.  I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt, but I don't have time for them anymore if they aren't willing to respect me for who I am.

People want to talk about me?  Go ahead.  Have at it.  They won't offend me.  Chances are, they are completely unaware of the entire situation, or they are just bullies.  And usually, it gets back to me.  I fume, I rant, I get over it.  I don't have time for drama.  

Doormat?  Well.  That's still a tough one.  I have a difficult saying no.  I want to be able to help everyone, everywhere.  I've had situations where it would affect my family negatively.  It can't happen.  My kids, my home, my family are my number one priority.  And if someone can't understand it, there's nothing I can do about it.  

How do I see myself?  I don't want to sound egotistical, but I'm going to indulge for a minute.

I'm strong.  I never thought I was, but looking back on my past, recent and distant, I've come through a lot.  I'm resilient.  That's a huge plus.  I get down, of course, but I can bounce back.  And usually, once I bounce back, I'm better than I was before.  I'm smart.  There's no doubt there.  I have a great memory and I love to learn.  I spend a lot of time pondering things, for really no reason in that moment. 

I have a weird thing I'm doing right now.  And I've talked to my dietician about it and her response surprised me.  I'm in the process of making big life changes.  One of those changes is weight loss.  I've lost about 20lbs in the past few months through diet changes and exercise when I can fit it in.  I'm doing one thing, though, that many people would consider unhealthy.  I frequently weigh myself.  Like...several times a day.  For many people losing weight, this can be an unhealthy sign.  They might not be eating, drinking enough, whatever. It becomes an obsession.  This isn't necessarily the deal for me.  It's curiosity.  Does it make sense to you?  I'm curious about my weight.  I'm curious about how I lose it, what I did that day, or didn't do, what I ate, or what I didn't eat.  How much, how little, water, no water, you name it, I think that it's fascinating.  I'm not beating myself up if I go up a pound or two in a day.  One thing that I've noticed is that the more water I drink, the more likely I am to keep my weight where I want it that day.  If I lose a pound, I celebrate it, quietly to myself.  When I mentioned it to my dietician, she said "Yep, that's probably part of the ADHD."  I have a desire to know everything.  Unfortunately, that also makes me sound like a know it all...which I freak out over doing.  

If I have an answer to a question, I want to share it.  I don't mean to sound like a know it all. And sometimes, I'm wrong.  I'm totally capable of admitting it.  I learn quickly and remember things that just sort of pop up.  I joke a lot that I'm a fount of useless knowledge.  I'm not too bad at "Trivial Pursuit".  LOL

Looking back on my life, I marvel that I'm not a more cynical, hard hearted, untrusting individual.  It's quite the opposite.  I'm extremely open to others, their experiences, their conversations, I want to help.  I treasure my relationships with people, and often, with people who have mistreated me.  I have a very forgiving nature.  I don't forget though...I almost always learn, though I have had issues where I haven't always gotten the message the first time.  I have a capacity to distance myself now.  If a person has hurt me, I can distance myself, and see where life takes us.  Sometimes, our relationship becomes repaired and we move on.  Sometimes, that doesn't happen.  I accept it as it comes.  People change, our lives change.  In times of great difficulty, we are often shown who our real friends are.  The ones that come, unquestioningly to the call for help and let us know through their actions that we are important to them.  

Sometimes, we have a relationship that isn't reciprocated.  Very one sided.  I have a couple of those.  I maintain what level I want, then let the other person come to the level I hope they are willing to work towards.  I've always believed that relationships are not something we don't work for.  Any relationship.  Unfortunately, I learned that lesson the hard way.  I maintained many relationships through my own means, never getting any help from their side.  Having my kids changed that.  I don't have time to maintain one sided relationships.  

Here's the thing:  If someone was a friend in the past, regardless of where our friendship was when we parted ways, no matter the amount of time that's passed, if that person were to come to me and ask for help, advice, even just to go for coffee, I wouldn't turn them away.  There is always something in the past that is good to focus on.  Those friendships were part of my life for a reason at one point.  I have a few friends back home in Whitehorse who I always make a big effort to see, no matter how long it's been.  Their friendship means that much to me.  Outside of that, I make sure that friends still up there know I will be there and will make time as I can to see them.  It takes stress off of everyone.  Unfortunately, now that we don't have many family members up there anymore, I don't see us going back up anytime soon.  And sometimes, that makes me sad.  I do have some really good friends up there still.  I manage to maintain contact though.  Thank goodness for Facebook...(Most of the time)

The funny thing about being in my 30's is that I'm realizing daily that I'm still growing up.  Physically, I'm done growing, but emotionally, we change so much all the time based on our lives that we are always growing in some way or another.  Always learning, always growing.  

I've learned since I was a teenager that I have some talents.  I was always jealous of the kids who had physical talent.  The tangible type.  They could sing, act, dance, draw, they were athletic.  I can sing, sort of.  I'm not going to be getting a Grammy anytime soon.  I can act...I liked that, but it was more of an escape rather than an option for my future.  I can't dance.  I look like a bear wallowing in a swamp.  And drawing...I can barely draw a straight line with a ruler.  

When I was 15, a family friend offered me a part time summer job in a photography store.  That opened a world I didn't even know I had any chance of existing in.  Turned out, I am a pretty good photographer!  I've taken some really lovely photos of animals, nature in general.  I look at things a little differently, I guess than others.  I'm good at it, but I'm not great.  I probably won't make a career out of it, but I sure do love looking through the lens.  My kids, my pets, my flowers, anything that I see beauty in, I want to take it's picture.  

As I've grown more, I've discovered other talents.  While I don't consider motherhood a talent, I do find that some women are meant to be stay at home moms, others aren't.  This doesn't make a stay at home a better mom, it just makes her a different mom.  I have the patience to be a stay at home mom.  I have worked a brief time when Olivia was little, and I can tell you, I'm NOT a working mom while having little kids.  Mothers who work full time, hell even part time, amaze me.  I've considered going back to work when being home seems too overwhelming, but most of the time, that comes back to me losing myself in motherhood and not finding enough adult interaction to keep my forever thinking brain from atrophying from talking about Barbies, Lego and Transformers.  I want to talk politics, religion, parenting, schooling, social issues, current events, books, movies, television shows.  Television shows, except for anything on Teletoon, Treehouse, YTV or Disney.  

I've blogged about it and now I've found a new talent.  I love to grow things.  I've been working at it for a while with the houseplants.  I've had lots for a while now and even though I'm the most neglectful plant owner, mine seem to thrive as long as I occasionally water, fertilize and trim them.  My outdoor plants on the other hand need much more attention, and thankfully, being outside is one of my favorite things to do.  I'm recently discovering that petunias might even be able to be re-rooted as I have a large stem on my table that is currently blooming and seems to be growing new roots.  If that happens, that will be terrific! Something new to learn.

So, at this point in my life, I'm feeling wonderful.  The days can be long, hard and sweaty, but I feel good about myself.  I feel good about where I'm heading, I feel good about what I'm learning.  

In the meantime, I'm just going to keep moving forward.