Father's Day

I'm sure this post will take me a while to write.  I'm sure I'll have to stop for a tissue once in a while.  

Heck.  I'm already needing a tissue and I've only written two sentences.  Okay...three now.  

When I was six, my mom and dad split up.  There were many problems in their relationship, not the least of which were my mom's addiction issues.  

I know that sounds like it's a huge negative thing to have happen for a girl, but in reality, it was for the best.  My mom struggled for many many more years afterwards with her addictions.  

When it comes to how I feel about the whole situation, I suppose the word I'd use is "indifferent".  Now that I'm an adult woman with three kids of my own, many years of counseling and talk therapy under my belt, I can look back on it and say that in the long run, all the right decisions, no matter how difficult they were, were for the best.  Dwelling on it is never a good thing.  So, I put it behind me, use it for my life in a positive way and move forward.

My mom was in no shape to take care of us.  She traveled for many miles and many years, trying to figure out where she should be.  She's since cleaned up, sobered up and earned her degree in counseling those with addictions.  I know that it would have been near impossible to leave us, but being in the place she was in, she just didn't have the facilities to care for us.  

Instead, she left us with our dad.  

For many young girls, the story wouldn't have turned out so positive and wonderful.  For us, it came out just right.  I'm sure much of my dad's grey hair comes from caring for us crazy, hormonal teen girls, never knowing whether we were coming or going, what bothered us, why we were such freaks at times.  I know that we frustrated him with our fighting, our moods and our often confusing and conflicting behavior.  

However, he managed to give us the best example of what we deserved in life.  He worked in a jail, not exactly a stress free environment, to provide food, clothing and shelter.  All the necessities we needed, we had.  We spent many weekends camping and fishing, enjoying the outdoors and learning basic life skills.  He showed us what a real man does in his position, caring for his children and sacrificing his own desires when it came to that point.  He showed us that we were deserving of love and respect, and should never ask for less.  

My dad used humor more often than not, to get through a tough spot.  We got teased and such, and he was always able to bring a smile to our lips....most of the time.  There's nothing worse than a teenaged girl, in the throes of hormonal rage to deter someone from making a joke.  

My dad's advice has always been no nonsense, honest and from the heart.  He never blew smoke up our asses, telling us things that would eventually prove not to be true.  He was always frank in discussing difficult topics like sex, puberty and boys.  He bought all of the "personal items" that we needed, including calling Sears to phone for bras, wherein the lady on the other end of the line asked if they were for him.  He let us make our own choices and learn from the consequences, positive or negative, of that choice.  And then he was there to pick us back up if we fell down after a bad choice.  

We had many women in our lives through family friends who participated in trying to help us grow up to be nice young women, however, when you are raised by, as my sister puts it "a pack of wolves", it probably didn't make it easy for women to provide a more regular example.  Many evenings were filled with dirty jokes, cigarette smoke and farts.  Lots of laughter, lots of jeering and lots of fun.  Some nights, it was cribbage with his buddies, other nights, it was computer golf.  Either way, I grew up in an environment of fun and laughter.  I remember the guys often trying to "out fart" one another.  They would eat something like chili the night before and man...then it got nasty.  

But it was fun.  That was my childhood.  

If I ever had something happen to me, a bully or some more major situation, I could always talk to my dad.  I knew that I could go to him with whatever was on my mind in that moment and usually, if I hadn't picked a bad moment, for which I was famous for, we had a great conversation about whatever was bugging me.  As I got older, I learned much from my dad about politics, justice system, life in general.  There was literally nothing I could ask my dad.  

One day in particular stands out in my mind.  We were watching the news, just at the height of the AIDS scare.  My dad had been at a course that week, where there were AIDS sufferers.  They were trying to educate the general public on AIDS and how it was transmitted.  My dad, working in a correctional facility, needed to have that education and learn how to protect himself, and ultimately us, from AIDS and HIV.  My dad said to us very frankly that evening "So girls, this week, I was at a course about AIDS.  I heard the story of a man who had AIDS and I gave him a hug.  I CANNOT get AIDS from hugging him or any other way unless there is blood transfer."  Now...I know that's not 100% true, considering it's also an STD, however, I was maybe 8 years old and my sister would have been 6.  That was a perfect way to explain it to us.  I never ever forgot that day. 

It was probably also the start of why I am so accepting of anyone I come across, provided they do not harm myself or my loved ones.  My dad worked in a jail, saw many violent and uncaring people come through those doors, but he rarely lost faith in humankind.  He has always been accepting of others, insofar as they do not harm others or bring others down.  

And it's because of my dad that I met a man who would change the course of my life, and how I feel about myself.  

I have known Jeff since we were in Kindergarten.  We had mutual friends growing up, his brother dated my best friend, his brother was in the same grade as my younger sister and his mom worked with my dad at the correctional facility.  We had many similarities, but never really connected until Grade 12 when he asked me to go to grad with him.  

That year, we went to graduation, then went our separate ways.  The following year, in 1998, we reconnected and 16 years later, 10 of those years married and 3 kids, we are still doing wonderfully together.  

We have no big secrets to share with others who are married.  I had no way of predicting that the summer we started dating we'd wind up married with kids.  I wasn't looking for a long term relationship.  I knew he was going to university in the fall and a long distance relationship wasn't something I wanted to go through.  I'd done it before, and hated it.  

Jeff was different.  He was confident, honest.  He never BS'ed anyone and simply put out of his mind anything that simply wasn't important to him in the moment.  I was the exact opposite.  Nervous, low self esteem, frankly, I just didn't believe in myself.  I worried (still do to some extent) of silly things, what people thought of me, what I might have said wrong.  Jeff, he was just the opposite.  

Suddenly, I had someone else in my life who was strong, open and honest, and believed in me.  

I wasn't ever sure about Jeff and kids.  He was always so aloof around other's children, rarely playing with them.  When it came to pets, he was always so (and still is) impatient with them.  I'd always thought that we treat our kids like we'd treat our pets (not locking them up or anything, just how affectionate we are with them).  I was terribly wrong.  

From the moment Logan was born, Jeff was a hands-on father.  He always woke up when the babies did anyway, so many times he would get up and feed them himself, never waking me unless I needed to be.  Other times, he'd wake me and say "It's your turn".  He always understood that being a full time mommy was as much work as being in a job.  He's always helped me with the housework, with a few exceptions that he doesn't like to do, like the bathroom and the laundry, but that's fine.  He sweeps, vacuums, does the dishes, just general tidies up.  

He makes sure that the kids have activities.  Swimming, skiing, whatever they want to try, he will do his best to make sure the kids experience it.  We love to hike, camp, bike...and the kids do too.  He respects me as a woman, teases me because of it, and is showing his sons what a real man does with his family and shows his daughter what type of man she should strive to be with in the future.  

He's not always the nicest guy to people he doesn't like.  He rarely pays lip service to people. I've been asked "why are you with him?"  Frankly, you don't get to see what I see.  I get the best of him.  Everyone else gets what patience he has left for society at large.  And while I'm highly social and love groups, he's just not that way.  It took some time for me to get past that, but now I understand better and not much about it bugs me.  

He works damn hard to make sure that I can stay home with the kids.  

And Jeff's example comes from his own father, who is another amazing man.  

I never, ever have to worry about strong male role models for my children.  They have three right in front of them to show them how to be a good man, for the boys.  And for my daughter, she will understand that she never has to settle for anyone less than an honest, respectful, loving, faithful, hardworking man in her own life.  And if I ever see her beginning to settle for less, I will make damn sure to show her that's exactly what she's doing.  My boys will learn respect for women, learn to listen, not always fix, be upstanding, contributing citizens.  I want them to be able to look at their dad and grandfathers, great grandfather and say "I want to be like him when I grow up!"  And I don't necessarily mean that they need to do what they do for a living.  Just follow their examples so that they can create lives for their own families that might be just a bit better than what they have and will have.  (Not that they have it too hard now)

I've known many other strong, dedicated men in my life.  Many of them were quiet, but humorous and strong in their own ways.  It wasn't always in your face, but it was always there.  I've known some that were macho, manly men, and cared more for their families than anything else in the world.  I've known many who've struggled to be the men they want to be, even in the face of their own pasts.  

And I'm proud to have known and know them today.  They are great men, even if sometimes, they don't feel that way.  All they have is their own pasts and examples to work from and learn from.