Moms and Daughters

I went to see my counselor yesterday.  It was another really good visit.  I found myself saying things out loud that I'd never said before and it was awesome.  Sometimes, keeping it in, not saying it, makes it harder to look at.  

One thing that came me afterwards was the idea of moms and daughters.  The way girls grow up, the things they see, the influences they experience.  And how mothers can be an incredible influence on their daughters.  Not always by giving advice, but through example.  

I have a daughter.  I have a beautiful, sweet, active, social little girl who just brightens my world beyond belief.  

I worry about her.  I worry about what I say, do, eat, think, feel, show her.  I worry about how these things will affect her, how she will view herself.  I make sure to listen to her as much as possible in my chaotic household, hearing things that come from her that sometimes surprise me simply because of her age.  She's not even six yet, and the standard of "beauty" is already an issue.  

She knows she's pretty.  She will even say so.  "That lady on tv is really pretty, mom, but not as pretty as I am!"  Okay, fair enough.  I'm glad she has that self confidence to express herself and how she feels about her looks.  I do need to tell her though the same thing I had to tell my oldest boy when he thought he was the best at everything.  I told her that while she is a very pretty girl, she needs to learn that there will always been someone prettier, smarter, faster, just better at things that she will be.  And that's fair.  

So here is what I want to say to moms and daughters.  

Girls, when you are young, and that guy you have a crush on doesn't want to give you the time of day, don't worry about it.  One day, you will meet someone worthy of your time, attention and love.  And if you find a man who isn't worthy, you move on.  

Girls, don't get into a serious relationship too young.  What do I consider too young?  I don't know.  I can tell you that some girls are more mature than other girls.  Some are just more capable of dealing with the emotions that come with being in a relationship.  I will make that judgement as my own daughter gets older.

Girls, listen to your fathers.  They know about boys.  They WERE boys once.  And if you don't have a dad in your life, go to the next strong male role model you look up to.  He can tell you what boys think too.  He knows more than you imagine!

Girls, listen to your mothers.  I know, I know.  You're old enough to make your own decisions.  I know that you know everything you think you need now.  You don't.  Really...I'm not kidding.  Until you're in your mid-twenties, you don't know much at all.  Don't ever think you're the first to say, think or do something.  There's a really good chance that your mom has seen, heard or done it all.  

One day, you're going to wake up, and think "THAT'S what she meant!"

Girls, don't ever ever ever, let ANYONE tell you you're ugly, stupid, whatever.  You DO have something special inside of you.  You might not be the most popular or prettiest.  Who cares?  Try things.  You think you can take a good picture?  Grab a camera, give it a try!  You think you can sing?  Give it a shot.  Acting, dancing, gardening, art, athletics, business, anything.  If you think you can do it, TRY it.  If you don't like it, it doesn't suit you, move on.  Try something new.  

Girls, be nice to one another.  Please.  All this bickering, fighting, back stabbing...it's very mean.  Girls are some of the meanest people I know.  This moves on into womanhood as well.  Give it up while you can.  Don't make it a habit to tease that girl who isn't the prettiest.  Resist the urge to whisper about the girl who might not be a great athlete.  I did it.  I don't feel good about the things I said, or how things were said about me.  

Girls, don't be too hard on yourselves.  Don't like how you look?  You know, that will change.  As you grow, you change.  Your body changes.  Your mind changes.  If you have a little extra weight, go for a walk.  Take care of yourself.  Start now, while you can.  It gets harder after you grow up.  Develop the good habits early.  That will serve you really well as you get older.

Above all, girls, don't ever let anyone take advantage of you.  Don't ever let a boy convince you that you need to give "it" up.  Be confident.  Be happy.  And if you are having trouble being confident, happy and comfortable, talk to someone.  It doesn't HAVE to be your parents.  There are always ways.  Always.  Pastors, school counselors, Teen lines, there is always help.

Okay moms...

Moms, talk to your daughters.  Encourage them, help them feel good.  Engage them, delve into their minds and find their strengths.  

Moms, don't lie to your daughters.  Life isn't easy as a girl.  You know that.  Take the time to explain to her that she doesn't HAVE to be beautiful to be successful or popular.  Teach them to appreciate their beauty, in whatever shape it might take.  Please, please, please teach your daughter to use her brain and listen to her instincts.  Those two things will serve her FAR better in her future than her looks will.  Looks fade, but brains and instincts are always there!

Moms, be the example.  Don't ever let a man walk all over you.  You're not doing your daughter any favours by being taken advantage of by anyone.  Work, play, live.  Don't just try, do!

Moms, I asked girls to be nice.  Can I ask you to do the same?  Can I ask you not to backstab another mom?  Don't question all her choices.  Is she present?  Are her kids clean?  Are they fed, cared for, given all the things they NEED in life?  Are they hurt?  If her children have what they need, she gives them love, doesn't harm them, then leave her alone.  She's doing the best she can do with her own experiences and is just like you, learning as she goes.  Be fair.  Support each other.  Don't bash each other.  We moms get enough judgement as it stands.  We don't need it from each other.  And if someone says something about you?  Let it run down your back like water off a duck.  Don't internalize it.  And yeah, get mad about it.  Rage for a minute.  Then let it go.  Who cares why she said it?  Unless it was something incredibly hurtful that could affect your kids and your family life, who cares?  

Moms, if you don't like your lot in life, prove to your daughter that while you're down, you can get back up and move forward.  Don't settle for less than you deserve.  If you don't like your job, study in school for a better job.  Show her that there is always a way out.  And if you struggle, get up, ask for help and show her that she never has to feel like the weight of the world is on her shoulders.  

Moms, find your daughter's talent.  Don't force her to do something she doesn't want to do.  Don't live vicariously through your daughter.  Talk to her, see what interests her.  Say things to her like "When I was your age, I liked to ski!"  If she says she wants to try that, then let her.  If it's not her cup of tea, finish up the season, then move on.  If she wants to try singing, give it a shot.  If she's good, encourage her.  If she isn't going to be the next Christina Aguilera, but still wants to do it, let her.  You don't have to tell her she's awful.  Don't worry, she will figure it out herself in the future.  Be there for her, help her celebrate her triumphs and be there to console her during her defeats.  Help her through them with an encouraging heart and above all, just love her.  She's unique.  She's different, she has a talent, she has a purpose, she's your daughter.  Don't put undue pressure on her, just guide her.  She will find her way.

Basically, these are the things I've learned about being a girl.  I've already heard my daughter say "So and so said that the 'other little girl' is just jealous because she's not as pretty as we are!"  That actually surprised me.  I said to Olivia, "If I were you, I'd say to my friend 'I wouldn't like it if someone talked like that about me!"'  Don't start a fight, just make her point.  I don't want her to worry that someone doesn't think she's pretty.  Not everyone in the world will, and that's perfectly fair.  

Olivia's kindergarten teacher said to me that Olivia is a very self confident little girl, but not in a cocky way.  She can be bossy and snarky, but I've seen how good she is with groups of kids.  She follows when she knows she needs to follow, she leads when she knows it's safe to lead.  At this point, I'm feeling really confident in how we are raising her.  I tell her not to be jealous because someone is better or prettier.  Be their friend.  Don't get into the drama.  I know she will.  I still do sometimes.  

I know that when it comes to Olivia versus Logan, I worry more about Olivia.  I worry about her being on her own outside, even in the yard.  I worry about someone snatching her.  I know she's safe, she's smart, she's savvy, she pays attention to her instincts.  I worry about how she will view herself as she gets older and sees what society's standards are.  I worry about eating disorders, boys, peer pressure to be popular...all the same things I dealt with, but not in a necessarily healthy way.  I had a bad self image, I didn't eat properly, was worried about what everyone else thought and figured I had to please everyone to make them like me.  I, thankfully, never got into any deep trouble when it came to that stuff.  My instincts saved me more often than not.  

She knows who she is, she knows what she likes.  When I'm asked "What does she like?"  I say "Anything girly!"  

She loves princesses, baby dolls and my Little Ponies.  She loves digging in the sand, biking through the mud and running after her big brother.  She loves to draw, sing, dance.  She loves her friends, her cats, her scooter.  Somedays, she wants to do girlie things, like get her hair done or do her nails.  Others, she wants to splash in the puddles and make mud pies.  She's opinionated, loud, screechy.  She's compassionate, smart and funny.  She's strong.  

And I wouldn't change her for the entire world.  She's absolutely perfect just the way she is!!