One thing I definitely struggle with is memory.
Specifically, short term memory. If I don't write down a list for the grocery store, I'm more likely to forget something and almost always buy extra things I don't need. My lists literally are the glue that can keep my brain together.
Like everyone else, I walk into a room and totally forget why I'm there. I learned this fall that it's because I haven't had the chance to make the thought permanent. So that's why we do that. Maybe we were thinking of something else in that moment, so it never got "stuck" in there. Makes us feel like we're going crazy! Or old!!!
I'm not getting too old. I'm not going crazy. I'm not going senile. I was just distracted in that moment. Its a very typical thing in my world. And it's a very frustrating thing in my world. If I don't put something in the same place over and over again, I will set it down somewhere else and totally forget about it. My cell phone and keys are the worst. If I don't have my keys either on the rack by the door, in my purse or in the coat I wore the time before, then I won't find them for hours sometimes.
I forget to get the kids to do their homework. Homework should be a routine, DAILY item on my list, but somehow, it never sticks.
I forget to feed the cats, even though they are winding around my legs, mewing at me, staring at their dishes with looks of pained hunger in their eyes. (Don't worry. My cats are FAR from starving. They're just big babies.)
I forget a task I WANT to do so badly to get done. It niggles in the back of my mind, messing with me, and I say "Okay! I'm going to do that! NOW!" Then I wind up doing something else and "POOF!" It's gone. Then I walk into that room and think to myself "I was going to do that...ohh...a cookie!" Then it's gone again. (Cookies are awful distractions. Cheesecake, too, it's the worst one of all.)
My bathroom. Oh, my bathroom. I forget all the time to do it. Not out of "I don't want to clean my bathroom." I like my bathroom clean. But it's not a room I spend a lot of my time in. I use it when I need to, then I shut off the light and move onto the next room.
I leave laundry in the washing machine for DAYS at a time. I know I'm not the only one out there who does that one. So don't judge me.
Long term memory. There's another story.
I can remember the most ridiculous things. I remember dates, names, places, locations. Some of it might not be 100% there, like just flashes and such of a time when I was younger, but I remember things very well. It can be really frustrating for Jeff. It's like I have my own little filing cabinet that I store this crap in just to bring up months and even years later.
It means that I remember the good times though. And I can recall those moments and feel those times and how good it was. I remember being a really little kid, probably close to my 3 year old's age, having laughing wars with my dad. He would start laughing and would tell me not to and within minutes he'd have me just howling with laughter. I remember him asking me about all the the NHL teams at the time, and I was able to name each and every one of them. I remember feeling pride at being able to do that. I was maybe four.
The worst part though, is how easy it is to recall the bad memories too. The night my parents split up, I have fairly clear memories, but I have definite emotions. I remember the hotel we stayed at with my mom when she took us from our house. I remember how it felt when I told my dad about what happened to me when I was inappropriately touched. I remember being in my friend's basement, while my dad called the neighbour to tell her what happened (we listened over the other line) and told her he was calling the police. It's surreal to remember those moments so clearly.
However, I'm lucky. I can recall them, then I can send them away, with little affect to me. I've been blessed enough to have had so much help in the past with those memories, that they are just memories. Easily enough brought up, even easier to put away.
My little filing cabinet serves me well in that regard.
I'm also a fount of useless knowledge. I'm fun to play Trivial Pursuit with. I love those types of games! I guess I don't get to flaunt my intellectual prowess as much as I'd like to, so games like Trivial Pursuit give me that opportunity. Of course, we're not talking the Genius Edition. More like the 80's and 90's Editions. I can muddle through most of the other kinds though. Some of the answers are common sense, others are just something I might have heard in passing.
There are many times my memory has served me extremely well.
Navigation is one of my big ones. I might not know your address, but if I've been to your house once, it's in my head forever. I navigate quite well by landmark. I know how to use a map or GPS, but once I get there, I probably don't need it again. This has helped not only myself, but others who are with me at the time.
When I was in junior high and high school, I really loved to act. I adored being on the stage and losing myself in a character. It often involved a lot of memorization. I never shied from that. And my huge voice...that helped a lot too. Projection has never been an issue.
I know that one way it will serve me best is in the memories I will have of my children. I remember so many things from their earlier days, as babies. I don't necessarily need photographs to picture them as babies. They're already there, permanently etched in my psyche. I've had parents often comment on how much I remember and how impressed they are. I think I'm most proud of my memory at that point.
When it comes to school, my memory and I have a difference of opinion sometimes. The funny thing is, even if I'm not necessarily paying attention, I'm still getting it. I did little in English class in high school, yet somehow managed to pass. I did quite well on the final exams, even though I barely paid attention. It's an odd thing to see your grades are good, even though you don't do anything. I never really understood that about myself.
I definitely understand it much better now. This whole journey in the past 10 months has proven to me that my brain functions just great. I might not get it the first time around, or I do, but it gets filed away for another time. Having ADHD can be a real adventure sometimes. The things we see, often we file away for another time. Being observant can be an ADHD person's greatest asset. It can be our biggest problem as well, but using it for the good in life can be so much more satisfying.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Losing It...Still
I've never been a small person. I've always been big. Not fat, just big. Well...I guess fat too. By the time I was 12 years old, I was as tall as my dad at five foot five inches. At around 18, I stopped growing and was done at five foot nine and a half inches tall.
I've always been heavy as well.
It made me an easy target. I was already awkward. Different. Add to it height and weight and you have a LARGE easy target. I could never hide. I stuck out in a crowd. I was tall, blonde, big and awkward. Tough mix growing up. I'd slouch to try to fit in, but that just made me look pathetic. That slouch has now given way to a bit of a hump on the back of my neck. I have to be very conscious of how I stand in order for it not to get prominent. Nobody but my husband and I have noticed it, but I know it's there.
I'm not bemoaning my adolescence. I really had a very happy childhood. Unfortunately, I was always highly aware of my differences. My self esteem was low, I didn't date, I just hung out with friends and tried to fit in. I know that there were times I could have dated, but I just never felt confident enough to try it.
As I grew older, things didn't change much. I ate a lot, didn't do much in the way of physical exercise, just liked to hang out in the shadows until I felt comfortable enough to come out and be me. I'm sure there are people from my past reading this going "Really? I had no idea!" If there was one thing I was good at, it was hiding how I felt. Really, food helped me hide it. It's easy to eat your feelings and then push them down, leaving a happy, confident face for the rest of the world, while inside you are a quivering mess of anxiety.
This spring, when I was given my ADHD diagnosis, I was also placed on Concerta. One of the "off label" effects of Concerta is appetite suppressing. This is a great thing because it keeps me from eating too much. I didn't really want to eat as much as I used to, but of course, being diabetic, I have to keep up on my intake of fuel or else I get...well...I'm not fun to deal with. Let's just put it that way.
The biggest worry for me was back in October when I had to change ADHD medications. The Concerta was making me...mean. I was cranky, jittery, every manner of bitchy sometimes. I always felt awful after a bad Concerta day. The only way to make it work well was to hit the gym and work as much of it off as possible. My psychiatrist put me on Vyvanse. The difference was amazing. They are both stimulants, (seems counter-intuitive, doesn't it? Someone with a hyperactivity issue, here's a stimulant) but for some reason, the chemical make up of Vyvanse isn't as hard on my system. I was really worried that I'd gain back the weight I'd lost. Not out of vanity, but strictly because of how good I feel now that I've lost it. Turns out, Vyvanse has the same appetite suppressing side effect. I still get jittery sometimes, but it's nothing I can't handle. At least I can still have my coffee every morning.
Keep in mind, my diabetes is well controlled through diet and exercise. I don't even really measure my sugars anymore and my last A1C (three month test) showed that my diabetic levels were around pre-diabetic levels. Of course, I never asked for this, but given family history, the fact that I'd had two pregnancies with gestational diabetes and my weight issue, it really was just a matter of time. My only wish is that I'd had more time.
Fast forward to today.
When we first got strep throat last week, I was 234lbs. (I'm not shy about my weight. It is what it is.) Yesterday, when I stepped on the scale, I was 225.6. This morning, I'm 224. This is amazing. Of course, it's in part to the fact that I couldn't eat anything solid or hard. I was on a liquid diet with cooked bland pasta to fill my belly. It's not a great way to diet, I don't recommend it, but at the same time, I managed to get over my plateau of 233. I've been struggling with that for about four months now. It would dip down to about 229, then pop back up again to about 233...it was a bit discouraging. I seem to have gotten past the plateau.
I'm not the type of person to celebrate every single pound that I lose. Actually, I kind of get annoyed by that. I try not to judge, I get that everyone has goals, but after a while, it's a bit tedious. I'm not doing anything spectacular in my life, just eating when I'm hungry, thinking about why I want to eat after a meal and I think I'm hungry. I've started keeping a health journal. It's helped me to track my exercise and diet. I'm a creature of habit and I really like having a physical record of what's happening. I'm also putting into that journal how I was feeling that day. Am I anxious? Am I tired? Sick? Am I happy, content or busy? Did I eat enough? Perhaps there are days where I could eat more. I know there are.
I don't follow any specific rules. I think rules are stupid. Well, some rules. I'm a bit of a stickler for common rules, everyday societal rules, like don't murder or steal, but I hate arbitrary rules. If it's midnight and I'm feeling like I need something to eat, I'll go find something. Sometimes it's cheese and crackers, sometimes it's chocolate. But it's all in moderation. Drinking a certain amount of water sounds good to me. It's not always easy; water's just...water. It's bland. Sometimes I want a bit of flavour, without feeling guilty that it isn't water. I carry water with me all the time. Somedays I drink 4 24oz bottles of water, somedays, only 1 or 2. I drink **gasp** diet pop. At least after I've lost the weight and die, I'll be a well preserved corpse. Open up my coffin and wow...she looks awesome for a woman who died at 99!
Ohhh...yes. Buzz words. TOO MANY BUZZ WORDS. Jesus. Clean eating? Umm...so. Wash my food first? Or wait...just avoid foods with preservatives and chemicals. Well, I'll sure try, but every once in a while, that burger at Burger King just calls me and who am I to deny myself the occasional burger? Oh...the big one. Gluten-free! People, I can't stress this enough, DO YOUR RESEARCH! Please. I know there are lots of studies (and celebrities) out there talking about gluten-free and how it can be good to go that route. I'm not sure of the science behind it, (I definitely don't listen to the celebrities) but all my doctors and dieticians have told me that gluten-free isn't something we need to be concerned about, unless you suffer from Celiac Disease or another gastric issue that can't handle the gluten in grain products. Organic. <<sigh>> I can't afford organic. I have three kids who go through produce like locust. So...Chemicals please. Montsanto. WTF? I've learned a bit more about this. All in all, just avoid too much corn. We don't know what genetically modifying our food will do to us. It seems many people don't realize we've been genetically modifying our food for years. I suppose when our first three eyed children come out, we'll know. I'm not trying to be glib and just brush it off. I know that there could be harmful effects behind some of this stuff, but even the creators and scientists don't know. I wonder how many of these "discoveries" haven't been made from mistakes, like penicillin. And that "mistake" did us a world of good. Of course, these are just my opinions. I know there are studies, journals, scientists...I know. I've heard the rhetoric, the talk, the buzz words. I've caught a few moments of Dr. Oz...man, that guy contradicts himself ALL THE TIME!! Be mindful of what you watch and read. Find things that contradict those statements and keep an open, critically thinking mind and you will be fine.
*steps off soap box* (I just really hate arbitrary rules and rhetoric)
Look. Here's what I've learned that works for me.
Moderation : This is my key. Take what I think I NEED in that moment and sit down to eat. As soon as it doesn't feel like I can eat anymore, I STOP. I don't keep eating because there's food on my plate. Next time, I'll just be mindful of that and just don't take as much at my next meal.
Mindfulness : Being mindful of how I'm feeling while I'm eating. Or even when I'm not eating and yet I have a "craving" for something. Understanding the link between food and emotion was a huge turning point for me. I'm a terrible evening eater. I get bored, watching television and suddenly that junk food calls for me. I'm a huge carbohydrate addict. Chips, cake, cookies...they are my downfall. Pizza. Oh my god I love pizza.
Being mindful of what I'm eating. Enjoying it. Taking the time to really love my food and tasting it. Sounds cheesy, but in one of my group therapy sessions, we literally studied a craisin. One single, tiny craisin. It was really amazing how much more we got out of the task when we were just taking our time. It even brought me back to cranberry picking with my family in the Yukon when I was a kid. Really neat stuff. I'm not saying you have to sit at the table and make noises of bliss while you eat, I'm just saying, take time and go slow. I'm surprised at how fast I fill up and how much less I might eat. Think about the number of times you can't remember what you had for breakfast by the time you get to dinner. We live in such a fast paced, intense busy world, we just don't take time for the finer things in life, and food can be SUCH a fine thing.
Activity : This above all alleviates so much for me. It takes away any anxiety I might be experiencing. It helps me focus my mind on things that I might not otherwise have time to think about when I'm at home with the kids. This doesn't have to be in the gym. I just really happen to like going there, mostly because there's childcare and Grady has a place to go and I get my "me time". I have found a real sense of community in my gym and have even encouraged some of my friends to join me occasionally. I adore being outside. Walking to the park, hiking, biking, anything outdoors is just Heaven for me. Winter can be tough right now because Grady is still too small to really get outside with when it's cold. Being cloistered up in the house gets my anxiety up and going, especially after the week we just had.
Shopping : My biggest struggles is sticking to my grocery list. Many times, I write one down, only to leave it at home. Bet I'm not alone! My intentions are always good, but then I get to the grocery store and all bets are off. There are SO many tempting goodies there. It can be hard to resist. In my weight therapy group, we learned about how to stick to the outer aisles. Stick to the breads (careful here...you can have some, but read labels...) meats, produce, dairy and frozen foods aisles. If you MUST go down the middle aisles, know what you're looking for and again...read labels. It sounds like a lot of work, but it really isn't. I just glance now. This all harkens back to mindfulness.
Doctors : These guys can be extremely helpful. They will weigh and measure you, take blood samples to see what you need to work on. I know there are docs out there who are just assholes about all of this and make people feel bad, but in reality, there ARE good docs out there who understand the challenges and want to help. I have a freakin retinue of docs. I have my GP, psychiatrist, psychologist and dietician. And that's JUST for me. These people help me by asking me the right questions, supporting me in my choices if they agree and offering up helpful ideas if they don't. There is NOTHING wrong with asking for help. My first step was the doc three years ago when I found out I was diabetic. I cried. I didn't want to be diabetic and I was trying to take steps to avoid that route. Once I saw the silver lining of it, I moved forward and tried to get better. I wasn't always successful, but at least I tried. And now that I'm doing things more regularly, I'm finding that the effects on my body are quite amazing. Effects that aren't visible to the naked eye, but make a profound effect on my body and mind. My blood pressure is amazing, my cholesterol is better than my GP's, and my resting heart rate is lower than it's been since I was a kid. All positive things. All just from small daily changes.
One of my biggest things is to remember that I am learning new habits in order to break the bad ones. And this will take time. It's still taking time. Here's what I do: take your age and think to yourself, "I'm ___. I've been building these bad habits for my life. They're not going to change overnight." When you "screw up" and eat five pieces of pizza one night, don't beat yourself up. Just say "okay. I did that. I won't do it tomorrow." There's always another day ahead. Once you start taking care of yourself, then you add many MORE tomorrows onto your life. Isn't that worth a little less pizza?
Once I realized this, it was easier to make the changes. And they don't have to be huge sweeping changes. Start with a small one. Say, "Okay, I'm going to have an egg today with my cereal and coffee." Or, "I'm having an apple for my snack." Don't go into your house, do a mass clean out of all the junk food and throw it out. There's no harm in a few handfuls of chips. Just make sure you take a bowl, not the bag. I'm guilty of the bag...the entire bag. The entire, family sized, got it at Costco bag. During a movie...But it just feels so GOOD sometimes to indulge. I like to give myself one day a week where I just don't care. I eat...anything.
In our house, we drink 3% milk because we like it better than lower fat milks. We don't consume enough of it to get fat on. We still have 14% sour cream, because well...same reason. It tastes better, but I don't put a whole container on my potatoes. I eat butter because it's more natural than margarine. I get enough chemicals in my produce and pop. I still use 10% to 18% coffee cream. It's not like I'm drinking an entire container with my coffee. But I eat far more produce and healthier snacks than before. I still have chips. I still have cake. I just don't eat it all in one sitting. I might have to work a bit harder in the gym the next day, but c'est la vie!
There are lots of alternatives out there to the junk food we all love. And it can get expensive, but I've found that eliminating the junk food leaves money for the good food.
I was always overwhelmed by the ads on TV. I was always overwhelmed by the rules. I was always overwhelmed by the sheer number of people I knew who were struggling to lose weight. It got to a point of annoyance for me. I wanted to celebrate with everyone, their successes and such, but it was just too much. I was upset because I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get it together, but at the same time, I knew that their ways of doing it wouldn't work for me. Everyone is so different. And there are so many fads out there that go hand in hand with the buzz words. I didn't want to get caught up in the hype and the fads. Rarely those seem to work. Sweeping changes don't work for me either. I'm not a "cold turkey" kind of girl. I know that some things work for some people and they are capable of maintaining it, but I like the freedom of knowing that I can eat pretty much what I want, when I want without feeling guilty.
These are all lessons I've learned in the past 10 months. They haven't been easy, and if I'm really honest, I've been learning these lessons since I was diagnosed diabetic 3 years ago. We all know the words, we all know the consequences. There's far too much on TV now for us to be able to say we're ignorant of it. And if we are ignorant of it, chances are we're healthy anyway, because we're living off the grid, eating granola and chewing on grass all day. There are so many ways to live a healthy, happy lifestyle, but I needed to find the way that worked for me.
While I don't (and won't) celebrate every single little pound that comes off of me, I will celebrate the life altering changes I've been able to make in the past year. I will be happy with myself and understand that this isn't an overnight success story. I enjoy cooking, I enjoy food, I enjoy eating out with friends. I just want to live my life, enjoy my life! And I want to share these lessons with everyone. I want them to know that you don't have to do shakes and juices to be healthy. You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on the latest fad diet. Just be mindful of what you eat, how much you eat, when you eat. Writing it down sounds a bit obsessive and tedious, but if you do write it down, be honest with yourself. Don't skip something in the journalling process because you feel bad about it. Be honest and celebrate your honesty! Take time to just celebrate YOU! (A CHEESY sentiment if ever there was one, but it IS Valentine's Day...Why not Love yourself!?)
I even posted a selfie of myself in the mirror a couple weeks ago. So awkward. My bathroom was a mess.
I'm going to the grocery store now. And seeing as it's Valentine's Day and my husband isn't here today, I WILL buy myself something. I have my eye on a couple of super cute owl mugs at a local card store. I'm sure there's chocolate on my list somewhere as well.
I've always been heavy as well.
It made me an easy target. I was already awkward. Different. Add to it height and weight and you have a LARGE easy target. I could never hide. I stuck out in a crowd. I was tall, blonde, big and awkward. Tough mix growing up. I'd slouch to try to fit in, but that just made me look pathetic. That slouch has now given way to a bit of a hump on the back of my neck. I have to be very conscious of how I stand in order for it not to get prominent. Nobody but my husband and I have noticed it, but I know it's there.
I'm not bemoaning my adolescence. I really had a very happy childhood. Unfortunately, I was always highly aware of my differences. My self esteem was low, I didn't date, I just hung out with friends and tried to fit in. I know that there were times I could have dated, but I just never felt confident enough to try it.
As I grew older, things didn't change much. I ate a lot, didn't do much in the way of physical exercise, just liked to hang out in the shadows until I felt comfortable enough to come out and be me. I'm sure there are people from my past reading this going "Really? I had no idea!" If there was one thing I was good at, it was hiding how I felt. Really, food helped me hide it. It's easy to eat your feelings and then push them down, leaving a happy, confident face for the rest of the world, while inside you are a quivering mess of anxiety.
This spring, when I was given my ADHD diagnosis, I was also placed on Concerta. One of the "off label" effects of Concerta is appetite suppressing. This is a great thing because it keeps me from eating too much. I didn't really want to eat as much as I used to, but of course, being diabetic, I have to keep up on my intake of fuel or else I get...well...I'm not fun to deal with. Let's just put it that way.
The biggest worry for me was back in October when I had to change ADHD medications. The Concerta was making me...mean. I was cranky, jittery, every manner of bitchy sometimes. I always felt awful after a bad Concerta day. The only way to make it work well was to hit the gym and work as much of it off as possible. My psychiatrist put me on Vyvanse. The difference was amazing. They are both stimulants, (seems counter-intuitive, doesn't it? Someone with a hyperactivity issue, here's a stimulant) but for some reason, the chemical make up of Vyvanse isn't as hard on my system. I was really worried that I'd gain back the weight I'd lost. Not out of vanity, but strictly because of how good I feel now that I've lost it. Turns out, Vyvanse has the same appetite suppressing side effect. I still get jittery sometimes, but it's nothing I can't handle. At least I can still have my coffee every morning.
Keep in mind, my diabetes is well controlled through diet and exercise. I don't even really measure my sugars anymore and my last A1C (three month test) showed that my diabetic levels were around pre-diabetic levels. Of course, I never asked for this, but given family history, the fact that I'd had two pregnancies with gestational diabetes and my weight issue, it really was just a matter of time. My only wish is that I'd had more time.
Fast forward to today.
When we first got strep throat last week, I was 234lbs. (I'm not shy about my weight. It is what it is.) Yesterday, when I stepped on the scale, I was 225.6. This morning, I'm 224. This is amazing. Of course, it's in part to the fact that I couldn't eat anything solid or hard. I was on a liquid diet with cooked bland pasta to fill my belly. It's not a great way to diet, I don't recommend it, but at the same time, I managed to get over my plateau of 233. I've been struggling with that for about four months now. It would dip down to about 229, then pop back up again to about 233...it was a bit discouraging. I seem to have gotten past the plateau.
I'm not the type of person to celebrate every single pound that I lose. Actually, I kind of get annoyed by that. I try not to judge, I get that everyone has goals, but after a while, it's a bit tedious. I'm not doing anything spectacular in my life, just eating when I'm hungry, thinking about why I want to eat after a meal and I think I'm hungry. I've started keeping a health journal. It's helped me to track my exercise and diet. I'm a creature of habit and I really like having a physical record of what's happening. I'm also putting into that journal how I was feeling that day. Am I anxious? Am I tired? Sick? Am I happy, content or busy? Did I eat enough? Perhaps there are days where I could eat more. I know there are.
I don't follow any specific rules. I think rules are stupid. Well, some rules. I'm a bit of a stickler for common rules, everyday societal rules, like don't murder or steal, but I hate arbitrary rules. If it's midnight and I'm feeling like I need something to eat, I'll go find something. Sometimes it's cheese and crackers, sometimes it's chocolate. But it's all in moderation. Drinking a certain amount of water sounds good to me. It's not always easy; water's just...water. It's bland. Sometimes I want a bit of flavour, without feeling guilty that it isn't water. I carry water with me all the time. Somedays I drink 4 24oz bottles of water, somedays, only 1 or 2. I drink **gasp** diet pop. At least after I've lost the weight and die, I'll be a well preserved corpse. Open up my coffin and wow...she looks awesome for a woman who died at 99!
Ohhh...yes. Buzz words. TOO MANY BUZZ WORDS. Jesus. Clean eating? Umm...so. Wash my food first? Or wait...just avoid foods with preservatives and chemicals. Well, I'll sure try, but every once in a while, that burger at Burger King just calls me and who am I to deny myself the occasional burger? Oh...the big one. Gluten-free! People, I can't stress this enough, DO YOUR RESEARCH! Please. I know there are lots of studies (and celebrities) out there talking about gluten-free and how it can be good to go that route. I'm not sure of the science behind it, (I definitely don't listen to the celebrities) but all my doctors and dieticians have told me that gluten-free isn't something we need to be concerned about, unless you suffer from Celiac Disease or another gastric issue that can't handle the gluten in grain products. Organic. <<sigh>> I can't afford organic. I have three kids who go through produce like locust. So...Chemicals please. Montsanto. WTF? I've learned a bit more about this. All in all, just avoid too much corn. We don't know what genetically modifying our food will do to us. It seems many people don't realize we've been genetically modifying our food for years. I suppose when our first three eyed children come out, we'll know. I'm not trying to be glib and just brush it off. I know that there could be harmful effects behind some of this stuff, but even the creators and scientists don't know. I wonder how many of these "discoveries" haven't been made from mistakes, like penicillin. And that "mistake" did us a world of good. Of course, these are just my opinions. I know there are studies, journals, scientists...I know. I've heard the rhetoric, the talk, the buzz words. I've caught a few moments of Dr. Oz...man, that guy contradicts himself ALL THE TIME!! Be mindful of what you watch and read. Find things that contradict those statements and keep an open, critically thinking mind and you will be fine.
*steps off soap box* (I just really hate arbitrary rules and rhetoric)
Look. Here's what I've learned that works for me.
Moderation : This is my key. Take what I think I NEED in that moment and sit down to eat. As soon as it doesn't feel like I can eat anymore, I STOP. I don't keep eating because there's food on my plate. Next time, I'll just be mindful of that and just don't take as much at my next meal.
Mindfulness : Being mindful of how I'm feeling while I'm eating. Or even when I'm not eating and yet I have a "craving" for something. Understanding the link between food and emotion was a huge turning point for me. I'm a terrible evening eater. I get bored, watching television and suddenly that junk food calls for me. I'm a huge carbohydrate addict. Chips, cake, cookies...they are my downfall. Pizza. Oh my god I love pizza.
Being mindful of what I'm eating. Enjoying it. Taking the time to really love my food and tasting it. Sounds cheesy, but in one of my group therapy sessions, we literally studied a craisin. One single, tiny craisin. It was really amazing how much more we got out of the task when we were just taking our time. It even brought me back to cranberry picking with my family in the Yukon when I was a kid. Really neat stuff. I'm not saying you have to sit at the table and make noises of bliss while you eat, I'm just saying, take time and go slow. I'm surprised at how fast I fill up and how much less I might eat. Think about the number of times you can't remember what you had for breakfast by the time you get to dinner. We live in such a fast paced, intense busy world, we just don't take time for the finer things in life, and food can be SUCH a fine thing.
Activity : This above all alleviates so much for me. It takes away any anxiety I might be experiencing. It helps me focus my mind on things that I might not otherwise have time to think about when I'm at home with the kids. This doesn't have to be in the gym. I just really happen to like going there, mostly because there's childcare and Grady has a place to go and I get my "me time". I have found a real sense of community in my gym and have even encouraged some of my friends to join me occasionally. I adore being outside. Walking to the park, hiking, biking, anything outdoors is just Heaven for me. Winter can be tough right now because Grady is still too small to really get outside with when it's cold. Being cloistered up in the house gets my anxiety up and going, especially after the week we just had.
Shopping : My biggest struggles is sticking to my grocery list. Many times, I write one down, only to leave it at home. Bet I'm not alone! My intentions are always good, but then I get to the grocery store and all bets are off. There are SO many tempting goodies there. It can be hard to resist. In my weight therapy group, we learned about how to stick to the outer aisles. Stick to the breads (careful here...you can have some, but read labels...) meats, produce, dairy and frozen foods aisles. If you MUST go down the middle aisles, know what you're looking for and again...read labels. It sounds like a lot of work, but it really isn't. I just glance now. This all harkens back to mindfulness.
Doctors : These guys can be extremely helpful. They will weigh and measure you, take blood samples to see what you need to work on. I know there are docs out there who are just assholes about all of this and make people feel bad, but in reality, there ARE good docs out there who understand the challenges and want to help. I have a freakin retinue of docs. I have my GP, psychiatrist, psychologist and dietician. And that's JUST for me. These people help me by asking me the right questions, supporting me in my choices if they agree and offering up helpful ideas if they don't. There is NOTHING wrong with asking for help. My first step was the doc three years ago when I found out I was diabetic. I cried. I didn't want to be diabetic and I was trying to take steps to avoid that route. Once I saw the silver lining of it, I moved forward and tried to get better. I wasn't always successful, but at least I tried. And now that I'm doing things more regularly, I'm finding that the effects on my body are quite amazing. Effects that aren't visible to the naked eye, but make a profound effect on my body and mind. My blood pressure is amazing, my cholesterol is better than my GP's, and my resting heart rate is lower than it's been since I was a kid. All positive things. All just from small daily changes.
One of my biggest things is to remember that I am learning new habits in order to break the bad ones. And this will take time. It's still taking time. Here's what I do: take your age and think to yourself, "I'm ___. I've been building these bad habits for my life. They're not going to change overnight." When you "screw up" and eat five pieces of pizza one night, don't beat yourself up. Just say "okay. I did that. I won't do it tomorrow." There's always another day ahead. Once you start taking care of yourself, then you add many MORE tomorrows onto your life. Isn't that worth a little less pizza?
Once I realized this, it was easier to make the changes. And they don't have to be huge sweeping changes. Start with a small one. Say, "Okay, I'm going to have an egg today with my cereal and coffee." Or, "I'm having an apple for my snack." Don't go into your house, do a mass clean out of all the junk food and throw it out. There's no harm in a few handfuls of chips. Just make sure you take a bowl, not the bag. I'm guilty of the bag...the entire bag. The entire, family sized, got it at Costco bag. During a movie...But it just feels so GOOD sometimes to indulge. I like to give myself one day a week where I just don't care. I eat...anything.
In our house, we drink 3% milk because we like it better than lower fat milks. We don't consume enough of it to get fat on. We still have 14% sour cream, because well...same reason. It tastes better, but I don't put a whole container on my potatoes. I eat butter because it's more natural than margarine. I get enough chemicals in my produce and pop. I still use 10% to 18% coffee cream. It's not like I'm drinking an entire container with my coffee. But I eat far more produce and healthier snacks than before. I still have chips. I still have cake. I just don't eat it all in one sitting. I might have to work a bit harder in the gym the next day, but c'est la vie!
There are lots of alternatives out there to the junk food we all love. And it can get expensive, but I've found that eliminating the junk food leaves money for the good food.
I was always overwhelmed by the ads on TV. I was always overwhelmed by the rules. I was always overwhelmed by the sheer number of people I knew who were struggling to lose weight. It got to a point of annoyance for me. I wanted to celebrate with everyone, their successes and such, but it was just too much. I was upset because I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get it together, but at the same time, I knew that their ways of doing it wouldn't work for me. Everyone is so different. And there are so many fads out there that go hand in hand with the buzz words. I didn't want to get caught up in the hype and the fads. Rarely those seem to work. Sweeping changes don't work for me either. I'm not a "cold turkey" kind of girl. I know that some things work for some people and they are capable of maintaining it, but I like the freedom of knowing that I can eat pretty much what I want, when I want without feeling guilty.
These are all lessons I've learned in the past 10 months. They haven't been easy, and if I'm really honest, I've been learning these lessons since I was diagnosed diabetic 3 years ago. We all know the words, we all know the consequences. There's far too much on TV now for us to be able to say we're ignorant of it. And if we are ignorant of it, chances are we're healthy anyway, because we're living off the grid, eating granola and chewing on grass all day. There are so many ways to live a healthy, happy lifestyle, but I needed to find the way that worked for me.
While I don't (and won't) celebrate every single little pound that comes off of me, I will celebrate the life altering changes I've been able to make in the past year. I will be happy with myself and understand that this isn't an overnight success story. I enjoy cooking, I enjoy food, I enjoy eating out with friends. I just want to live my life, enjoy my life! And I want to share these lessons with everyone. I want them to know that you don't have to do shakes and juices to be healthy. You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on the latest fad diet. Just be mindful of what you eat, how much you eat, when you eat. Writing it down sounds a bit obsessive and tedious, but if you do write it down, be honest with yourself. Don't skip something in the journalling process because you feel bad about it. Be honest and celebrate your honesty! Take time to just celebrate YOU! (A CHEESY sentiment if ever there was one, but it IS Valentine's Day...Why not Love yourself!?)
I even posted a selfie of myself in the mirror a couple weeks ago. So awkward. My bathroom was a mess.
I'm going to the grocery store now. And seeing as it's Valentine's Day and my husband isn't here today, I WILL buy myself something. I have my eye on a couple of super cute owl mugs at a local card store. I'm sure there's chocolate on my list somewhere as well.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
You Mean That's NOT Normal?
Last week, I went to an allergist appointment. I didn't request it or anything, but the referral came in the mail and I figured, "Why not go?"
I have been told my whole life that I was allergic to penicillin. Fair enough. Bad for me though; some infections don't necessarily respond to some of the other types of antibiotics.
My family doctor is amazing. He felt that it needed to be tested. So we're working on that.
While I was there, the allergist asked me a bunch of questions, mostly regarding my pulmonary functioning. Stuffy nose, chest issues, stuff like that. If some of her questions surprised me, my own answers REALLY surprised me.
Turns out, I experience "exercise induced asthma". I know. It sounds strange. When I look back on all the times I've been out exercising, trying to keep up, hiking, or biking, things I really love to do, I always experienced the burning pain in my upper chest. It was like this when I was a kid too. I could never keep up. Running is agony, burning and trying so hard just to catch my breath. Even the stairs at home pose issues. I'm left out of breath if I have to go up and down from my basement to my top floor more than once. Nothing I did, no matter how much I did, ever worked. I was always told that if I did more, my lungs would get stronger and it would get easier. It never got easier. It has always been very frustrating. I don't like it. I love to hike. I'd like to walk up a hill just once where I'm not totally out of breath, wheezing like an old woman. Breathing that heavily makes taking photos difficult! I'm not old, I don't smoke, I'm not in the best of shape, but with amount of time I've spent in the gym in the past almost year, I really should be doing much better.
This diagnosis works great for me because more oxygen to my lungs means more oxygen to my muscles. So then, I can burn the fat more effectively. I have lots of fat. Like, too much fat. Less fat means healthier momma. Healthier momma means happier, more energetic momma. (Yes, I CAN be more energetic. Bet that scares the hell out of people who know me!)
She also treated my very swollen sinuses. Turns out waking up on a regular basis with a stuffy nose, regardless of cold symptoms or not, isn't normal.
It turns out that all these health "issues" that I've lived with my whole life, weren't normal. I didn't realize that everyone doesn't go outside at -40C and get a tight, burning sensation in their chests. I didn't realize that stuffed sinuses almost nightly wasn't normal. Well, maybe not the sinus one...but it wasn't totally bothersome. I admit, I probably sounded like a hypochondriac all the time though. I'd wake up and say to Jeff "Oh man, my sinuses are so clogged. I think I'm getting another cold." To which he'd reply "You're always sick."
Turns out, I wasn't!
To cope with the asthma aspect, I just wouldn't bother. Or I'd only do what I could and if it got to be too hard, instead of pushing it harder (which I probably shouldn't have done anyway) I would slow it down and then feel awful because how come can't I get better! Why can't I do MORE?! Then, it turns into why bother anyway. I can't do it. Those thoughts become pervasive. And as I said about the sinuses, I just didn't realize how abnormal it was.
This is what people with ADHD do. We find ways to cope with our struggles, telling ourselves that everyone experiences periods of procrastination, negative thoughts, feeling scattered. And to a degree, we're right. Of course everyone does it. We all let things go sometimes, but the difference between someone with ADHD and a "normal" brain is that a "normal" person can move past the procrastination in a reasonable amount of time and move on. With ADHD it's easy to just keep procrastinating. There are so many other things to do in the world! The dishes can wait another day! That school paper can wait another few hours, even if it's due tomorrow!! Of course, along with that, come the negative thoughts. The "I just can't do it" becomes a daily mantra. And it spirals from there. When it becomes something that affects our lives to such a negative degree that we lose all sight of who we are, what we can be, then we need to face what's happening and figure it out.
It's not always that easy though. Part of ADHD is the lack of impulse control.
Some people are incredibly adaptable and do very well through life without treatment and medication. They find their coping mechanisms and they work for them. Unfortunately, not all of us are that lucky.
Some of us with ADHD turn to food. Some of us turn to alcohol and drugs. Some hoard, shop, anything to focus on something positive in our lives. Some of us just float about, hoping to just get by.
Most of us are ashamed of what's going on in our heads. It's tough. We KNOW what we need to do, we just can't figure out HOW to get to it. Or how to MAINTAIN it. Getting past the "all or nothing thinking" has been one of the toughest things I've done. That's been my mountain, along with the consistency and follow through. It improves day by day, but as I'm starting to see, what goes on in my head isn't necessarily "normal".
It's not bad either. Actually, I kind of like it. It makes me different. It makes me funny, observant, smart, artistic and aware. I can be empathetic and sensitive of other's struggles because I have struggled so much with my own brain. So many things interest me and spur me on to learn something new. It helps me meet new people and learn about them. There are days where it can be extremely difficult to control, where things get a bit messed up, but with treatment and therapy, things have gotten far better than they were. Most of my good intentions become things that get done.
No more just wandering through life wondering if that's normal. Obviously, even in my own skin, I don't always know what's going on. I've been incredibly blessed by doctors who care, are observant and capable. This was a fluke. I truly had no idea that any of this was going on. I just figured this was normal. It's sort of reminiscent of April when I was first diagnosed with ADHD. The amount of change and understanding was incredible.
Here it's happened again. And for the good. After last week's strep throat, because of the mostly liquid diet, I dropped almost 10lbs in a week. Now that I have the new inhaler and the new information, I'm hoping I can get back into the gym and really rock it now. It's important to me to feel good.
So, basically, sometimes things we think are "normal", aren't always. But sometimes, "normal" isn't always what we're meant to be.
I have been told my whole life that I was allergic to penicillin. Fair enough. Bad for me though; some infections don't necessarily respond to some of the other types of antibiotics.
My family doctor is amazing. He felt that it needed to be tested. So we're working on that.
While I was there, the allergist asked me a bunch of questions, mostly regarding my pulmonary functioning. Stuffy nose, chest issues, stuff like that. If some of her questions surprised me, my own answers REALLY surprised me.
Turns out, I experience "exercise induced asthma". I know. It sounds strange. When I look back on all the times I've been out exercising, trying to keep up, hiking, or biking, things I really love to do, I always experienced the burning pain in my upper chest. It was like this when I was a kid too. I could never keep up. Running is agony, burning and trying so hard just to catch my breath. Even the stairs at home pose issues. I'm left out of breath if I have to go up and down from my basement to my top floor more than once. Nothing I did, no matter how much I did, ever worked. I was always told that if I did more, my lungs would get stronger and it would get easier. It never got easier. It has always been very frustrating. I don't like it. I love to hike. I'd like to walk up a hill just once where I'm not totally out of breath, wheezing like an old woman. Breathing that heavily makes taking photos difficult! I'm not old, I don't smoke, I'm not in the best of shape, but with amount of time I've spent in the gym in the past almost year, I really should be doing much better.
This diagnosis works great for me because more oxygen to my lungs means more oxygen to my muscles. So then, I can burn the fat more effectively. I have lots of fat. Like, too much fat. Less fat means healthier momma. Healthier momma means happier, more energetic momma. (Yes, I CAN be more energetic. Bet that scares the hell out of people who know me!)
She also treated my very swollen sinuses. Turns out waking up on a regular basis with a stuffy nose, regardless of cold symptoms or not, isn't normal.
It turns out that all these health "issues" that I've lived with my whole life, weren't normal. I didn't realize that everyone doesn't go outside at -40C and get a tight, burning sensation in their chests. I didn't realize that stuffed sinuses almost nightly wasn't normal. Well, maybe not the sinus one...but it wasn't totally bothersome. I admit, I probably sounded like a hypochondriac all the time though. I'd wake up and say to Jeff "Oh man, my sinuses are so clogged. I think I'm getting another cold." To which he'd reply "You're always sick."
Turns out, I wasn't!
To cope with the asthma aspect, I just wouldn't bother. Or I'd only do what I could and if it got to be too hard, instead of pushing it harder (which I probably shouldn't have done anyway) I would slow it down and then feel awful because how come can't I get better! Why can't I do MORE?! Then, it turns into why bother anyway. I can't do it. Those thoughts become pervasive. And as I said about the sinuses, I just didn't realize how abnormal it was.
This is what people with ADHD do. We find ways to cope with our struggles, telling ourselves that everyone experiences periods of procrastination, negative thoughts, feeling scattered. And to a degree, we're right. Of course everyone does it. We all let things go sometimes, but the difference between someone with ADHD and a "normal" brain is that a "normal" person can move past the procrastination in a reasonable amount of time and move on. With ADHD it's easy to just keep procrastinating. There are so many other things to do in the world! The dishes can wait another day! That school paper can wait another few hours, even if it's due tomorrow!! Of course, along with that, come the negative thoughts. The "I just can't do it" becomes a daily mantra. And it spirals from there. When it becomes something that affects our lives to such a negative degree that we lose all sight of who we are, what we can be, then we need to face what's happening and figure it out.
It's not always that easy though. Part of ADHD is the lack of impulse control.
Some people are incredibly adaptable and do very well through life without treatment and medication. They find their coping mechanisms and they work for them. Unfortunately, not all of us are that lucky.
Some of us with ADHD turn to food. Some of us turn to alcohol and drugs. Some hoard, shop, anything to focus on something positive in our lives. Some of us just float about, hoping to just get by.
Most of us are ashamed of what's going on in our heads. It's tough. We KNOW what we need to do, we just can't figure out HOW to get to it. Or how to MAINTAIN it. Getting past the "all or nothing thinking" has been one of the toughest things I've done. That's been my mountain, along with the consistency and follow through. It improves day by day, but as I'm starting to see, what goes on in my head isn't necessarily "normal".
It's not bad either. Actually, I kind of like it. It makes me different. It makes me funny, observant, smart, artistic and aware. I can be empathetic and sensitive of other's struggles because I have struggled so much with my own brain. So many things interest me and spur me on to learn something new. It helps me meet new people and learn about them. There are days where it can be extremely difficult to control, where things get a bit messed up, but with treatment and therapy, things have gotten far better than they were. Most of my good intentions become things that get done.
No more just wandering through life wondering if that's normal. Obviously, even in my own skin, I don't always know what's going on. I've been incredibly blessed by doctors who care, are observant and capable. This was a fluke. I truly had no idea that any of this was going on. I just figured this was normal. It's sort of reminiscent of April when I was first diagnosed with ADHD. The amount of change and understanding was incredible.
Here it's happened again. And for the good. After last week's strep throat, because of the mostly liquid diet, I dropped almost 10lbs in a week. Now that I have the new inhaler and the new information, I'm hoping I can get back into the gym and really rock it now. It's important to me to feel good.
So, basically, sometimes things we think are "normal", aren't always. But sometimes, "normal" isn't always what we're meant to be.
After the Storm
I took a fabulous therapy group this fall. It answered so many of my questions when it came to ADHD and how to handle it. Not all of us in the class had the same lifestyles, but we could all find solutions to our problems in our group.
I was very lucky to have another stay at home mom in my group who understood almost exactly how hard it can be to have an active preschooler, other kids and the rest of our lives behind it all. Add to it that our husbands work out of town and it was like it was meant to be.
One of the things that came up for the two of us was regarding how to handle it when life falls apart for a short period of time. Having ADHD poses its challenges on a normal day, but throw in all the unexpectedness of life, like sicknesses and injuries, and you're left with a mixture for disaster sometimes.
This just happened to us. It's been almost four straight weeks of sickness. It started 24 days ago when Grady started getting a cold. Our second cold in less than a month. That was plenty of stress right there, because when it comes to winter, once one of us gets it, we all get it. And really, I didn't need it.
Within 48 hours, I had Olivia home for two days. The Friday after that, Logan was home.
Okay. Take a breather, it will be okay. This was a short cold.
Except it wasn't.
Jeff came home the following Tuesday and by this point, Grady had now been sick for 8 days, showing no signs of getting better. But we just followed our instincts, kept him comfortable, gave him medication when he needed it, and rest if he really needed it. He'd been kicked out of the gym daycare for being a jerk for three straight weeks, so it wasn't like he needed to be anywhere.
By the next Sunday, we were now bordering on 14 days sick with Grady. He just wasn't clearing up. His sinuses were obviously congested, he was miserable sometimes, he just wasn't "Grady". A short break from Grady can be lovely. He's such an active, hyper, stubborn little man, so when he's down for a day, it's not so bad. I don't "like" it, but it's a relief sometimes to just sit on the couch and cuddle with my sick baby. However, after 14 days and no resolution, I start to worry. So I took him into the Stollery Children's Hospital to just get looked at. I know. Not an emergency, but when my options are three hours at the MediCenter to barely have them looked at, or three hours at the Stollery where they see a pediatrician, especially when it comes to Grady, I rather the Stollery.
I got him in, had him looked at. The doctor was lovely, quiet, and said that really there wasn't much else we could do other than what we had been doing, and add saline to the mix to see if we can't get things running a bit. Great. It took almost 5 minutes just to look in his ears, now you want me spraying saline up his nose? Sure. Why not. Jeff's home. He can help me in this.
Now, during that weekend, Olivia was crying that her throat was really sore. I hate to admit it, but we get really irritated with Olivia when she's "hurt" or "sick". She's very dramatic and it's extremely difficult to distinguish between the "real" pain and the it's not in need of dire care pain. A paper cut can render her as dramatic as if she broke her finger. I'm pretty sure that if (and really when) she DOES break an appendage, we're all in for a real treat. I'll probably just find her in shock on the grass out back. Anyway, Sunday she was miserable. But not so miserable that she distracted me from Grady. Monday came, and I went to serve dinner. She came downstairs and just the thought of food going down her throat sent her into gales of wailing, wherein she started to throw up. Good times. And of course, we were as patient as ever with her...which means, we were both really frustrated and couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. So I took her to the MediCenter. Thankfully, this was one time where not only did we get in quickly, the doctor was really good and swabbed her. He gave us a 1/2 prescription of antibiotics just in case it was strep throat and said when the swab came back, if it was positive, we just go get the other half. For the first time ever, I was able to get to the clinic, drop her off at home and get her prescription in under 2 hours. Never happens.
Tuesday morning, the antibiotics had clearly worked. How awesome! She was getting back to normal. Time to breathe again. This has GOT to be the end. Right?
WRONG!
By Tuesday afternoon, I was feeling awful. My throat was getting sore, my sinuses were stuffed up, I was exhausted and just feeling terrible. I drove out to my friends house to do some Tupperware stuff and then came home after seeing my family doctor about some concerns I had and a refill on my anxiety meds.
Wednesday, I was just feeling the worst. Or I thought I was feeling the worst. I didn't realize it was going to get worse. But I sucked it up, went to an allergist appointment that had been made for me to see if I am indeed allergic to penicillin. I learned more than I thought I would. Turns out, part of why I struggle in the gym so much is that I suffer from exercise induced asthma. So, I got a puffer for that. This isn't bad news. This is good news. This means that I'll be able to push it a bit harder and hopefully get past the plateau I've been battling. I'll be able to keep up better with Jeff and the kids while we're hiking. There's all good stuff here. I also have some swelling in my sinuses. So...a spray for that. I went home, new prescriptions in hand, excited to see where this could go. More oxygen to my lungs means more oxygen to my muscles which means more fat burning and yadda yadda yadda. It means I could be in better shape sooner than I thought. It's exciting.
Thursday, both Logan and I were in pain from sore throats. So I called our family doc first thing in the morning and got us in. We were swabbed and sent home. No biggie. I told him that I'd been taking A LOT of paid medication and he said that if it got worse to call in. That's what happened. By 4:30 that afternoon, I was barely able to swallow. I called the pharmacy and she said she'd talk to the doc. He never got the message.
And I didn't get my pain medication.
Thursday into Friday was awful. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, drinking was painful, but could be comforting with hot drinks like coffee and tea with honey. Food with any type of spice was agony. I'm not a whiner when it comes to pain, (Although, Jeff would disagree with you.) and I do have a high threshold for it. I've always been able to maintain the pain of a sore throat through ibuprofen and acetaminophen, so I was very upset that it wasn't working now. Again, I called our family doc because Jeff was getting the sore throat now and we needed to figure out what was going on. I told her we'd all come in because I'd left a message with our doc on Thursday night and he hadn't gotten to me yet.
So we trooped in. I felt kind of bad springing that on him, but he was extraordinarily patient and kind about the whole situation. By the time we left, Jeff had been swabbed, Logan had a prescription for penicillin (it had gotten worse overnight for him as well) and I had two prescriptions for pain medication to help me at least sleep.
The weekend is kind of a blur. I slept all day Saturday, except for 3 hours, and the occasional time I was awake was to get a drink or read. Sunday was a much better day, but I was still in agony from the pain. The painkillers helped, but they only took most of the pain away. The actual damage the infection had done left quite a bit to deal with overall.
Monday I was frustrated because I hadn't heard back from the doc yet. He said that he'd call us over the weekend but never had the chance to. Fair enough, but I had blood now. It was time to see another doc. I went to the MediCenter again. While I was there, he called Jeff and said there'd be a prescription for antibiotics for both of us at the pharmacy in his clinic. HALLELUJHA! I left the other clinic not having seen a doc, which was fine. They were quite happy to have a space open up. It's always very busy there.
Started the course of antibiotics and I'm still fighting it, but we're getting better.
Or so I thought until yesterday when Olivia came home throwing up.
Hello Norovirus. We haven't seen each other in a year. Nice to see you again. Now get the hell out of my home. Of course, I know better. Chances are, Logan will have it in the next couple days, with a sprinkling of Grady in the mix just for spice. I can't predict exactly how it will happen. Given our past few weeks, I imagine it will go somewhere along those lines over the next week. After the weekend, I don't care. I have plans for Saturday and Sunday. Just need the boys to make it past then. I'll even dip them in hand sanitizer so they can be around our friends on Sunday night. LOL
So. Why did I give you the entire week on my blog? Just to bore you? Oh no no no.
Here's the deal. Yesterday, I was sitting on my couch, looking around my house, feeling still down from these bugs. But there is so much to do! Of course, the housework piled up, but THANK HEAVENS for Jeff. While he was home, he maintained the main floor, doing the dishes regularly and sweeping and tidying. He was a Godsend. If he hadn't been home, honestly, I don't know what I would have done. I'm sure there'd be dead cats and flies everywhere. I'd probably wind up on "Hoarders". I really was that sick. I don't get that sick often. This is something that happens every 5 or 6 years, thankfully, but I haven't always had someone there to back me up and help while I was sick. The last time I was this sick was after Olivia was born and man...I couldn't do anything. And that lasted a LONG time. In retrospect, during that time, I should have asked for help. I just didn't know how to.
What happens when we have ADHD is that our homes and lives are already disorganized to the point of chaos. We've tried and tried to clean, tidy, organize, whatever it is we feel we need to do, and yet it never seems to work out the way we want. And even if it does, it never stays that way, whether by our own hand or that of others. We don't want to be doing unpleasant tasks like washing dishes and doing laundry, so it piles up and gets to be such a huge job, we just look at it apathetically and say "Oh well, it will be there tomorrow." And then "tomorrow" comes and it's just worse again.
Yesterday, as I was looking around my home, noting all the things I needed to do, I noticed that my heart rate was rising, I was getting anxious and I was starting to beat myself up. I asked myself what in that moment could help me get past this anxiety.
A list!
I'm not kidding you. Sitting down and writing out the things that needed to be done: dishes, laundry, reorganizing the kitchen, cat litter, and general tidying up. It really did help to have it down on paper. I'd just gotten some new Tupperware to help organize my baking cabinet, and I'm supremely glad I did that. Although, this morning I saw the error of my ways in my organization regarding the sweet stuff when Grady could reach it. Just a "duh" moment. It got me motivated to tidy up my kitchen, and while right now it looks like a bomb went off in there, things are easier to access. I've been working on the laundry. There's rarely a day that goes by that I'm not doing laundry. Not for the fact that I don't do it all the time, but for the sheer fact there are five of us. I doubt that until my kids are out of the house, there will never come a day where one will hear me say "LAUNDRY DONE!" I accept that.
But those are the BIG chores. Those are the ones that NEED to be done daily. There are all the small chores that added up over the past three weeks that I haven't been able to attend to due to illnesses, doctor's appointments and all that good stuff. Like the cat litter. Hopefully, we can skip the stomach flu for the next three days, I can get to the grocery store and get things stocked up tomorrow. Then I can do the litter and get back into keeping it up. The floors need a good sweeping and mopping. The bathroom needs a good wiping down. The front hallway needs a sprucing up. These are all small chores (well maybe not the bathroom, but I DO clean in regularly. Just needs a GOOD cleaning now) that all adds up and adds to the anxiety. Then there are the extras. We're coming upon tax season. Time to gather all that up. I have emails to write to people, I have Valentines Day tomorrow (we're making cards again this year. Just can't seem to get out of the house!) and other commitments I've made for our kids school and such. It all adds up very fast!
Writing it down on a list has helped so much. And then taking that list and putting what needs to have a time on it into my daytimer (Glad to have that back) has made it look a lot more approachable. I can "grade" my tasks according to the importance of that task, kitchen and laundry for instance rank high because I've fallen behind, where the cat litter isn't very high on the list today. It will go up higher in the next day or two. Funny enough, I have four different "journals" going right now. One is my random notes journal. I write down stuff like phone numbers, ideas, lists, etc so that I can reference later, or jot it down into my daytimer or put a number into my phone. I have a new recipe book. I hate having to look through a million books to find that one recipe that works for me, so I just write it down in this book and have it by my computer. I have my "Health Journal". That's helping me keep on track for diet and exercise. It's been incredibly helpful and I've been keeping tabs on my own health, how much I do at the gym, food I eat and even write down any emotions or feelings I'm having that day. I have my parent council book. This is where I write down all my notes for parent council while I'm at the meetings to transcribe into the minutes for the following meeting. Having it all compartmentalized has helped me a lot. I don't get so frustrated looking through a huge notebook of stuff trying to find that one page. I drag the health journal everywhere. LOL I probably look funny at the gym, hauling it around, writing everything down, but without it, I'd never remember what weight I did the day or week before. Perhaps if I could get to the gym more regularly, it wouldn't be such an issue, but in reality, between the amount of time home, the things I think about in the gym and all the stuff I do, I'm never going to remember it all. Ahhh...the pitfalls of getting old.
A lot of it is about perspective. I've been keeping up on most of the daily stuff on a regular basis already (a thing I really had to work at. Let's face it, there are far better things to do than dishes) it's not such a huge job anymore. It's mostly puttering. Just wandering around, seeing what needs to be done and doing it. Finding a place for everything and maintaining that object's space. I hate when I can't find something and I know it has a spot.
So while I have had a horrific month, cleaning up more bodily fluids than I'd ever care to think about, its nice to be able to look back and say "Okay, so all the work I've done in the past few months has paid dividends and it's not going to be so hard to get back on the horse". I have a few big jobs ahead of me, like the laundry, kids rooms and basement, but those are just daily life that got shoved aside so we could heal and get better. Resting, lots of fluids and taking the time to take care of ourselves and our family is far more important than dishes and laundry. I did feel guilty a few times over the weekend and apologized to Jeff for leaving him with all of this, but really, it had to be done. No use in damaging my throat more just for the laundry. It wouldn't have helped me and certainly wouldn't have helped anyone else. A sick, miserable mommy doing housework is misery for all. I just felt bad because it was his rotation off, but I was so incredibly thankful for him and his help.
I had to curse him out a few times though for making me laugh. It hurt!! :)
I was very lucky to have another stay at home mom in my group who understood almost exactly how hard it can be to have an active preschooler, other kids and the rest of our lives behind it all. Add to it that our husbands work out of town and it was like it was meant to be.
One of the things that came up for the two of us was regarding how to handle it when life falls apart for a short period of time. Having ADHD poses its challenges on a normal day, but throw in all the unexpectedness of life, like sicknesses and injuries, and you're left with a mixture for disaster sometimes.
This just happened to us. It's been almost four straight weeks of sickness. It started 24 days ago when Grady started getting a cold. Our second cold in less than a month. That was plenty of stress right there, because when it comes to winter, once one of us gets it, we all get it. And really, I didn't need it.
Within 48 hours, I had Olivia home for two days. The Friday after that, Logan was home.
Okay. Take a breather, it will be okay. This was a short cold.
Except it wasn't.
Jeff came home the following Tuesday and by this point, Grady had now been sick for 8 days, showing no signs of getting better. But we just followed our instincts, kept him comfortable, gave him medication when he needed it, and rest if he really needed it. He'd been kicked out of the gym daycare for being a jerk for three straight weeks, so it wasn't like he needed to be anywhere.
By the next Sunday, we were now bordering on 14 days sick with Grady. He just wasn't clearing up. His sinuses were obviously congested, he was miserable sometimes, he just wasn't "Grady". A short break from Grady can be lovely. He's such an active, hyper, stubborn little man, so when he's down for a day, it's not so bad. I don't "like" it, but it's a relief sometimes to just sit on the couch and cuddle with my sick baby. However, after 14 days and no resolution, I start to worry. So I took him into the Stollery Children's Hospital to just get looked at. I know. Not an emergency, but when my options are three hours at the MediCenter to barely have them looked at, or three hours at the Stollery where they see a pediatrician, especially when it comes to Grady, I rather the Stollery.
I got him in, had him looked at. The doctor was lovely, quiet, and said that really there wasn't much else we could do other than what we had been doing, and add saline to the mix to see if we can't get things running a bit. Great. It took almost 5 minutes just to look in his ears, now you want me spraying saline up his nose? Sure. Why not. Jeff's home. He can help me in this.
Now, during that weekend, Olivia was crying that her throat was really sore. I hate to admit it, but we get really irritated with Olivia when she's "hurt" or "sick". She's very dramatic and it's extremely difficult to distinguish between the "real" pain and the it's not in need of dire care pain. A paper cut can render her as dramatic as if she broke her finger. I'm pretty sure that if (and really when) she DOES break an appendage, we're all in for a real treat. I'll probably just find her in shock on the grass out back. Anyway, Sunday she was miserable. But not so miserable that she distracted me from Grady. Monday came, and I went to serve dinner. She came downstairs and just the thought of food going down her throat sent her into gales of wailing, wherein she started to throw up. Good times. And of course, we were as patient as ever with her...which means, we were both really frustrated and couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. So I took her to the MediCenter. Thankfully, this was one time where not only did we get in quickly, the doctor was really good and swabbed her. He gave us a 1/2 prescription of antibiotics just in case it was strep throat and said when the swab came back, if it was positive, we just go get the other half. For the first time ever, I was able to get to the clinic, drop her off at home and get her prescription in under 2 hours. Never happens.
Tuesday morning, the antibiotics had clearly worked. How awesome! She was getting back to normal. Time to breathe again. This has GOT to be the end. Right?
WRONG!
By Tuesday afternoon, I was feeling awful. My throat was getting sore, my sinuses were stuffed up, I was exhausted and just feeling terrible. I drove out to my friends house to do some Tupperware stuff and then came home after seeing my family doctor about some concerns I had and a refill on my anxiety meds.
Wednesday, I was just feeling the worst. Or I thought I was feeling the worst. I didn't realize it was going to get worse. But I sucked it up, went to an allergist appointment that had been made for me to see if I am indeed allergic to penicillin. I learned more than I thought I would. Turns out, part of why I struggle in the gym so much is that I suffer from exercise induced asthma. So, I got a puffer for that. This isn't bad news. This is good news. This means that I'll be able to push it a bit harder and hopefully get past the plateau I've been battling. I'll be able to keep up better with Jeff and the kids while we're hiking. There's all good stuff here. I also have some swelling in my sinuses. So...a spray for that. I went home, new prescriptions in hand, excited to see where this could go. More oxygen to my lungs means more oxygen to my muscles which means more fat burning and yadda yadda yadda. It means I could be in better shape sooner than I thought. It's exciting.
Thursday, both Logan and I were in pain from sore throats. So I called our family doc first thing in the morning and got us in. We were swabbed and sent home. No biggie. I told him that I'd been taking A LOT of paid medication and he said that if it got worse to call in. That's what happened. By 4:30 that afternoon, I was barely able to swallow. I called the pharmacy and she said she'd talk to the doc. He never got the message.
And I didn't get my pain medication.
Thursday into Friday was awful. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, drinking was painful, but could be comforting with hot drinks like coffee and tea with honey. Food with any type of spice was agony. I'm not a whiner when it comes to pain, (Although, Jeff would disagree with you.) and I do have a high threshold for it. I've always been able to maintain the pain of a sore throat through ibuprofen and acetaminophen, so I was very upset that it wasn't working now. Again, I called our family doc because Jeff was getting the sore throat now and we needed to figure out what was going on. I told her we'd all come in because I'd left a message with our doc on Thursday night and he hadn't gotten to me yet.
So we trooped in. I felt kind of bad springing that on him, but he was extraordinarily patient and kind about the whole situation. By the time we left, Jeff had been swabbed, Logan had a prescription for penicillin (it had gotten worse overnight for him as well) and I had two prescriptions for pain medication to help me at least sleep.
The weekend is kind of a blur. I slept all day Saturday, except for 3 hours, and the occasional time I was awake was to get a drink or read. Sunday was a much better day, but I was still in agony from the pain. The painkillers helped, but they only took most of the pain away. The actual damage the infection had done left quite a bit to deal with overall.
Monday I was frustrated because I hadn't heard back from the doc yet. He said that he'd call us over the weekend but never had the chance to. Fair enough, but I had blood now. It was time to see another doc. I went to the MediCenter again. While I was there, he called Jeff and said there'd be a prescription for antibiotics for both of us at the pharmacy in his clinic. HALLELUJHA! I left the other clinic not having seen a doc, which was fine. They were quite happy to have a space open up. It's always very busy there.
Started the course of antibiotics and I'm still fighting it, but we're getting better.
Or so I thought until yesterday when Olivia came home throwing up.
Hello Norovirus. We haven't seen each other in a year. Nice to see you again. Now get the hell out of my home. Of course, I know better. Chances are, Logan will have it in the next couple days, with a sprinkling of Grady in the mix just for spice. I can't predict exactly how it will happen. Given our past few weeks, I imagine it will go somewhere along those lines over the next week. After the weekend, I don't care. I have plans for Saturday and Sunday. Just need the boys to make it past then. I'll even dip them in hand sanitizer so they can be around our friends on Sunday night. LOL
So. Why did I give you the entire week on my blog? Just to bore you? Oh no no no.
Here's the deal. Yesterday, I was sitting on my couch, looking around my house, feeling still down from these bugs. But there is so much to do! Of course, the housework piled up, but THANK HEAVENS for Jeff. While he was home, he maintained the main floor, doing the dishes regularly and sweeping and tidying. He was a Godsend. If he hadn't been home, honestly, I don't know what I would have done. I'm sure there'd be dead cats and flies everywhere. I'd probably wind up on "Hoarders". I really was that sick. I don't get that sick often. This is something that happens every 5 or 6 years, thankfully, but I haven't always had someone there to back me up and help while I was sick. The last time I was this sick was after Olivia was born and man...I couldn't do anything. And that lasted a LONG time. In retrospect, during that time, I should have asked for help. I just didn't know how to.
What happens when we have ADHD is that our homes and lives are already disorganized to the point of chaos. We've tried and tried to clean, tidy, organize, whatever it is we feel we need to do, and yet it never seems to work out the way we want. And even if it does, it never stays that way, whether by our own hand or that of others. We don't want to be doing unpleasant tasks like washing dishes and doing laundry, so it piles up and gets to be such a huge job, we just look at it apathetically and say "Oh well, it will be there tomorrow." And then "tomorrow" comes and it's just worse again.
Yesterday, as I was looking around my home, noting all the things I needed to do, I noticed that my heart rate was rising, I was getting anxious and I was starting to beat myself up. I asked myself what in that moment could help me get past this anxiety.
A list!
I'm not kidding you. Sitting down and writing out the things that needed to be done: dishes, laundry, reorganizing the kitchen, cat litter, and general tidying up. It really did help to have it down on paper. I'd just gotten some new Tupperware to help organize my baking cabinet, and I'm supremely glad I did that. Although, this morning I saw the error of my ways in my organization regarding the sweet stuff when Grady could reach it. Just a "duh" moment. It got me motivated to tidy up my kitchen, and while right now it looks like a bomb went off in there, things are easier to access. I've been working on the laundry. There's rarely a day that goes by that I'm not doing laundry. Not for the fact that I don't do it all the time, but for the sheer fact there are five of us. I doubt that until my kids are out of the house, there will never come a day where one will hear me say "LAUNDRY DONE!" I accept that.
But those are the BIG chores. Those are the ones that NEED to be done daily. There are all the small chores that added up over the past three weeks that I haven't been able to attend to due to illnesses, doctor's appointments and all that good stuff. Like the cat litter. Hopefully, we can skip the stomach flu for the next three days, I can get to the grocery store and get things stocked up tomorrow. Then I can do the litter and get back into keeping it up. The floors need a good sweeping and mopping. The bathroom needs a good wiping down. The front hallway needs a sprucing up. These are all small chores (well maybe not the bathroom, but I DO clean in regularly. Just needs a GOOD cleaning now) that all adds up and adds to the anxiety. Then there are the extras. We're coming upon tax season. Time to gather all that up. I have emails to write to people, I have Valentines Day tomorrow (we're making cards again this year. Just can't seem to get out of the house!) and other commitments I've made for our kids school and such. It all adds up very fast!
Writing it down on a list has helped so much. And then taking that list and putting what needs to have a time on it into my daytimer (Glad to have that back) has made it look a lot more approachable. I can "grade" my tasks according to the importance of that task, kitchen and laundry for instance rank high because I've fallen behind, where the cat litter isn't very high on the list today. It will go up higher in the next day or two. Funny enough, I have four different "journals" going right now. One is my random notes journal. I write down stuff like phone numbers, ideas, lists, etc so that I can reference later, or jot it down into my daytimer or put a number into my phone. I have a new recipe book. I hate having to look through a million books to find that one recipe that works for me, so I just write it down in this book and have it by my computer. I have my "Health Journal". That's helping me keep on track for diet and exercise. It's been incredibly helpful and I've been keeping tabs on my own health, how much I do at the gym, food I eat and even write down any emotions or feelings I'm having that day. I have my parent council book. This is where I write down all my notes for parent council while I'm at the meetings to transcribe into the minutes for the following meeting. Having it all compartmentalized has helped me a lot. I don't get so frustrated looking through a huge notebook of stuff trying to find that one page. I drag the health journal everywhere. LOL I probably look funny at the gym, hauling it around, writing everything down, but without it, I'd never remember what weight I did the day or week before. Perhaps if I could get to the gym more regularly, it wouldn't be such an issue, but in reality, between the amount of time home, the things I think about in the gym and all the stuff I do, I'm never going to remember it all. Ahhh...the pitfalls of getting old.
A lot of it is about perspective. I've been keeping up on most of the daily stuff on a regular basis already (a thing I really had to work at. Let's face it, there are far better things to do than dishes) it's not such a huge job anymore. It's mostly puttering. Just wandering around, seeing what needs to be done and doing it. Finding a place for everything and maintaining that object's space. I hate when I can't find something and I know it has a spot.
So while I have had a horrific month, cleaning up more bodily fluids than I'd ever care to think about, its nice to be able to look back and say "Okay, so all the work I've done in the past few months has paid dividends and it's not going to be so hard to get back on the horse". I have a few big jobs ahead of me, like the laundry, kids rooms and basement, but those are just daily life that got shoved aside so we could heal and get better. Resting, lots of fluids and taking the time to take care of ourselves and our family is far more important than dishes and laundry. I did feel guilty a few times over the weekend and apologized to Jeff for leaving him with all of this, but really, it had to be done. No use in damaging my throat more just for the laundry. It wouldn't have helped me and certainly wouldn't have helped anyone else. A sick, miserable mommy doing housework is misery for all. I just felt bad because it was his rotation off, but I was so incredibly thankful for him and his help.
I had to curse him out a few times though for making me laugh. It hurt!! :)
Monday, February 3, 2014
Addiction And Compassion : A Tough Mix
Yesterday, as I was floating through my newsfeed on Facebook, I noticed the sad passing of a great actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I was saddened by a few things regarding his passing. First off, he was an amazing talent. It's sad when we lose these types of people. I don't care if they are famous or not, to lose talent at any age, at any type of celebrity is a loss to humanity. It just happened he was famous. Second, I was disappointed in the reactions of people to his death. There was just so much judgement, and very little compassion.
I posted this passing on my page and was amazed at some of the remarks that it brought about both from friends and family. Some of the remarks were valid, but judgemental, others were valid and anecdotal. It definitely brought up some controversy and opinion, a bit of back and forth. It was good though. I hold nothing against anyone who posted a comment regarding his death and the way that we handle celebrity when these deaths happen. They are right. There are far too many people dying daily of addiction that don't get the help that celebrities have at their disposal because they are more financially capable of attaining the help. So then we wonder why we aggrandize these people and hold them above all others. How is that fair? Well. I agree, it's not.
I wonder if Mr. Hoffman would be content to know that his struggle and death might open up the channels of communication more and enable us to speak more freely of addiction and how it affects family, the addict and the health care system.
Perhaps, his death does not need to be in vain. Too many other deaths pass in vain and leave little conversation about how we need to be able to help the addict in a compassionate and effective manner.
I've blogged in the past about how close I came, only a year ago, to addiction myself. It's a slippery slope. You're in your own head, thinking about what's wrong with you, how hard it is to fix it, why does no one else recognize it? You are aware of the issues at hand, but the easiest way of dealing with it is to self medicate. In some cases, we turn to alcohol (my choice at that time) or drugs. We turn to food, exercise, television, shopping...we turn to the wrong ways of dealing with those thoughts because in that moment, that wonderful, blissful moment, we aren't thinking about the things wrong with us. We're thinking about how relaxed we are, how content we are...in that moment. We don't consider how this could be hurting us, or how it could be harming our families and friends. We don't consider how we are going to cope with these feelings and thoughts the next day, or the next week. We just live in that moment. We know we feel good in that moment and the rest doesn't matter. Then. Then the next hour, day, week, month, year, we realize what we've been doing, and then we feel shame. And shame keeps us from speaking about what's going on. It keeps us from talking to a person who could help us, guide us, give us the resources to move forward and get out of the addiction of the moment. Nobody wants to be judged.
It's just that easy. So simple.
Treating the addiction is not so simple. We have to turn inside of ourselves, look at why we are feeling the way we are, face the issues and then deal with them. We have to feel. We have to face demons perhaps we didn't know were always there. We don't want to feel bad....we don't. We want to feel good. It's human nature to want to feel good.
Of course, we have to face the fact that in addiction there is also choice. It's easy to blame it on a disease. Very easy, in fact. We don't want to admit we were wrong. When was the last time you found it so easy to say "Yeah. I was wrong. I admit that." Probably rarely. I have always been able to admit I was wrong, but that was more to backpedal. It was more to please the person I was speaking to, even if I KNEW I was right, I'd still say I was wrong. That was poor self esteem on my part. Now, I can still admit when I'm wrong, but I think about it first. Am I truly wrong? Maybe. If I am, great. Teach me why I was wrong. Don't judge me because I was wrong.
I truly believe that the first step in curing an addiction IS admitting there is a problem. The next step, I think, is trying to figure out the WHY. Why did you start drinking? Why did you start eating whenever you felt like it? Why did you stick that needle in your arm, or that drug up your nose? Why are you exercising excessively? Why are your starving yourself? What are the underlying issues at bay? I'm sure we'd all be shocked at the answers.
I also think there is a mental health component to addiction. I think that because I think that I see it clearly, having been close or really, being addicted to things before.
What were my addictions? Well, alcohol came close. That was last year. It was easy. I'd have a rough day, so why not have a beer? Or a glass of wine? It was relaxing. It felt good. It kept my thoughts from racing too much, my anxiety at bay. It started so innocently. Then it started to become a daily thing. THEN, I started to notice I was having an issue. As soon as I started to question myself, as soon as the rational part in my brain started asking why I NEEDED to do this, then I knew there was a problem. So I admitted to the problem, now I need to get the help. Other addictions have included the Internet and food. Both seemingly harmless in the moment, but when you're family life suffers because you're on the computer all day, or your health starts to suffer because you're eating all things at all times of the day and you gain weight, the harm adds up quickly. Those were my addictions of choice. I definitely have the capability of becoming addicted to things. I admit that now. BUT, knowing that is a BIG part of the battle. The ADHD can make me obsessive about things as well. I've blogged about the obsessions that come along with this disorder. It's not always as easy as "Just don't do it..." as people think it can be.
I am blessed. I have very good doctors and find that I connect with people easily. I keep an open mind and listen to what professionals say. If I have a question, I ask it. If I have a concern, I voice it. I don't go around bitching about my doctors. If I don't like a doc, I move on. It's easy for me to do that. They aren't gods. They are human beings like us, with the same failings as we do, they just are more educated than we are. My current family doctor is amazing. He will tell me straight out if he doesn't understand something and then tells me that he will look into it because frankly, he has a patient who needs to know. He rarely passes the buck unless he has to. My psychologist and psychiatrist are tough. They are great doctors and have very great points. They are brutally honest and I like that. I want you to tell me what it is, rather than tap dance around it. Help me help myself.
There, it brings me to my next point. So. I've asked for help, I'm receiving it. Now what?
Well, it's up to me at this point. I can sit around and bemoan my life, saying about how hard it is, how I need to change, but for some reason, I can't do it. I don't know how. I go to the doctor, I keep asking the same questions, they keep giving me the same answers, but nothing changes. Finally the doctor says "I've given you the tools. Now you need to stand up and take it on yourself." And they're right. Now it's on me.
Finding out I had ADHD was the greatest day of my life, since getting married and having my babies. It opened my eyes more to who I was, why I do the things I do and how to manage it. It helped me ask the RIGHT questions. WHY do I get addicted to things so easily? WHY do I obsess about certain things? HOW do I deal with them? WHEN does an obsession become unhealthy? WHY do I have so much trouble with maintaining focus and finishing things? These were all huge questions that needed answering.
So, then my doctors gave me the tools I needed. Therapy groups, meeting others who experience the same thoughts and issues I do, helped a lot. And in meeting these people, sharing my own struggles and ideas, it brought some people comfort to know they weren't alone, just as their stories did for me. They gave me medication. Not always the best mix, some of them don't work for me the way they can work for others. There's a bit of tweaking involved there, for anyone, so I always encourage those who struggle with finding the right balance to TALK to their doctors and try to figure out what works best for them. There are always many options.
So that's my experience with addiction. Of course, when it comes to my own friends and family members, they have always been extremely supportive and encouraging. I've rarely felt shame in expressing my feelings and concerns. And I've given my friends and family permission to always be honest with me. If they think I'm experiencing difficulty and falling down, they can mention it and we can work with it. It's not always lovely to have someone point out your failings, but really, when done with compassion and honesty, coming from a place of love, it's never so bad. I don't say that in the moment it's mentioned to me I'm happy, or all like "Thank you". I might get mad, but that's okay. I'm allowed to feel.
However, many people do not have the support I have. And I recognize that. So, how do we get the people who NEED the help, the help? I really don't have the answers. I truly don't. I wish I did. I wish I could tell someone "Hey, go here. They're awesome." I CAN go to some places because I have the financial means to do so. I have good insurance, a husband who works hard, and is willing to accommodate my schedule in order for me to attend the therapy and doctor's appointments. Not everyone has that means. And it saddens me.
It makes it easy for us to judge. It makes it easy to look at the addict and say "Well, the help is out there, why don't they go get it?" Or "Why did they choose to do that in the first place? Don't they know bettrer?" Chances are, they DO know better. Chances are, they had some sort of issue in life that they are trying to avoid and the easiest thing to do is self medicate. Some people truly do not know better. If you are raised in an environment of addiction and abuse, how can you truly know better if you started abusing drugs or alcohol at an early age? If the example wasn't there, what do you do to understand better? What if the shame is so debilitating that even the thought of asking for help sends you into deep depression and anxiety? What if you suffer from a mental health issue, like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, ADHD and you simply don't see a way out? See how easy it is to judge someone?
Then, we look at people like Mr. Hoffman and we think to ourselves, "he's rich. He's famous. He was sober for 23 years. How could he throw it away like that?" Well. Yeah. Those are great questions. And unless you've walked a mile in his shoes, been in his life, had his experiences, how do we know? If the average person, you and I, can fall into these addictions and we know better, and we're human, what's stopping a celebrity? Probably less than you think. In Hollywood, there are so many people who simply do not say NO to someone. They just go about their business, giving to these people for fear of angering them and then no longer being a part of their gravy train. There are many treatment programs out there, but how many of them truly attack the WHY of the situation? I'd like to say more than we think, but I don't believe that's true.
I know from my own experiences in the past year that learning the WHY behind these things is incredibly important. Changing how we think, how we talk to ourselves and view ourselves and others around us can make such an incredible difference. I started my journey of change five years ago, when I turned 30. I learned about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. My gosh, that's a difficult concept to undertake. Five years later, and I'm JUST totally understanding how it works now and how much it's benefited me in the past few months. And really, only in the past few months. I blogged a lot about epiphanies. Many of my epiphanies come complements of CBT.
I had two friends on my Facebook feed yesterday admit to being alcoholics. That makes my heart soar. And it makes my heart sore. I love my friends. They mean a lot to me, even those I haven't seen in years. I think of them and hope that they are healthy and happy, but the case is, not all of them came out in life with all the tools they needed to succeed in life. They struggled and still do. They, themselves are just now starting to understand who they are and how their own pasts have affected their choices. And the best part, is they admit that they chose the things they did to harm themselves. That's a HUGE thing to say. Like I said earlier, it's easy to hide behind a disease or mental health issue. It truly is. But if given the tools to admit important things like how we came to that point, it makes it easier to recognize our choices and how they've affected our lives.
I also know addicts who will hide behind the "disease" diagnosis. They disappoint me, I'm afraid. As soon as a person I know admits to their choices and is willing to face them, I applaud them. Loudly. And to them. The best way to make it past their addiction is to admit that there were choices at hand. Of course the alcohol didn't pour itself down their throat. Of course the needle didn't just land in their arm. Of course they took that pill. Of course they ate that enormous amount of food that day. Of course they didn't eat those all important meals. But while they DID it, there were reasons why they did it. And that's what needs to be addressed.
I was reading an article on Time.com this morning and the author mentioned many other ways that treatment centers are trying to deal with addiction and how to get people past the risk of relapse. Support is a big one. And I don't think it's just support from the medical community that is needed. Support from friends and family, even reaching out to strangers and telling your story, asking for help, is important. There are so many ways to ask for help now. Social media is a great way to find other people who understand and have been where another person is.
Look. I get what everyone is saying. I get how people are angry because celebrities die from drug overdose, or other "avoidable" addictions, and it seems senseless that we focus so much on their deaths because they were just famous for doing something. It seems so much worse because there are hundreds of thousands of less fortunate people worldwide who do not have the supports that are needed to break the cycle of addiction, any type of addiction. So, why not use these deaths as a springboard to conversation? What's so bad about that? Why let people like Philip Seymour Hoffman, Corey Montieth, Michael Jackson, Jimmy Hendrix, Layne Staley, Heath Ledger, Karen Carpenter (anorexia) and so many before them, and undoubtedly those who will come after them, die in vain? Why not let their lives speak for something OTHER than the excesses of Hollywood and how we watch them fall? Why not make it something we stand for, saying that we're tired of HUMAN lives being lost to these horrible addictions.
What's wrong with a bit of compassion when it comes to addiction? If a person is asking for help, whoever they are, why not reach out a hand and help? Even if all we can do is listen, be there for the person struggling, we're giving something of ourselves. Just a small part, really. And if we have the resources to help, then hand out again. Help them up. Don't kick them when they are down. Don't tell them it's their fault. They already know that. They've already beat themselves up about how bad they are doing. Trust me, they don't need help being told what's wrong. They're more aware than you'd know. None of us are perfect. We're human. We all make mistakes, bad choices, but we all have the capacity for good in us. We all have the means to say to a person "Okay. You need help. How can I do that for you?"
Anyone who reads this blog, know that I do this for that purpose. I KNOW there are other adults out there struggling with addictions from ADHD. It's a common part of this disorder. I know that there are those of you out there despairing, trying so hard, but just not finding those answers, those supports. If there are ever times you need to just reach out and need a hand up, just a kind word, a hand finding a resource, I'll do my best to help. I'm not expecting accolades or awards. I never did. I just want to share. I want to help. If this helps, I'm happy for that. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a pharmacist. I can only tell you my own experiences and tell you what's worked for me. I can only tell you what's inspired me. I can only tell you what I've done to help myself.
Like everyone else, I'm only human.
I was saddened by a few things regarding his passing. First off, he was an amazing talent. It's sad when we lose these types of people. I don't care if they are famous or not, to lose talent at any age, at any type of celebrity is a loss to humanity. It just happened he was famous. Second, I was disappointed in the reactions of people to his death. There was just so much judgement, and very little compassion.
I posted this passing on my page and was amazed at some of the remarks that it brought about both from friends and family. Some of the remarks were valid, but judgemental, others were valid and anecdotal. It definitely brought up some controversy and opinion, a bit of back and forth. It was good though. I hold nothing against anyone who posted a comment regarding his death and the way that we handle celebrity when these deaths happen. They are right. There are far too many people dying daily of addiction that don't get the help that celebrities have at their disposal because they are more financially capable of attaining the help. So then we wonder why we aggrandize these people and hold them above all others. How is that fair? Well. I agree, it's not.
I wonder if Mr. Hoffman would be content to know that his struggle and death might open up the channels of communication more and enable us to speak more freely of addiction and how it affects family, the addict and the health care system.
Perhaps, his death does not need to be in vain. Too many other deaths pass in vain and leave little conversation about how we need to be able to help the addict in a compassionate and effective manner.
I've blogged in the past about how close I came, only a year ago, to addiction myself. It's a slippery slope. You're in your own head, thinking about what's wrong with you, how hard it is to fix it, why does no one else recognize it? You are aware of the issues at hand, but the easiest way of dealing with it is to self medicate. In some cases, we turn to alcohol (my choice at that time) or drugs. We turn to food, exercise, television, shopping...we turn to the wrong ways of dealing with those thoughts because in that moment, that wonderful, blissful moment, we aren't thinking about the things wrong with us. We're thinking about how relaxed we are, how content we are...in that moment. We don't consider how this could be hurting us, or how it could be harming our families and friends. We don't consider how we are going to cope with these feelings and thoughts the next day, or the next week. We just live in that moment. We know we feel good in that moment and the rest doesn't matter. Then. Then the next hour, day, week, month, year, we realize what we've been doing, and then we feel shame. And shame keeps us from speaking about what's going on. It keeps us from talking to a person who could help us, guide us, give us the resources to move forward and get out of the addiction of the moment. Nobody wants to be judged.
It's just that easy. So simple.
Treating the addiction is not so simple. We have to turn inside of ourselves, look at why we are feeling the way we are, face the issues and then deal with them. We have to feel. We have to face demons perhaps we didn't know were always there. We don't want to feel bad....we don't. We want to feel good. It's human nature to want to feel good.
Of course, we have to face the fact that in addiction there is also choice. It's easy to blame it on a disease. Very easy, in fact. We don't want to admit we were wrong. When was the last time you found it so easy to say "Yeah. I was wrong. I admit that." Probably rarely. I have always been able to admit I was wrong, but that was more to backpedal. It was more to please the person I was speaking to, even if I KNEW I was right, I'd still say I was wrong. That was poor self esteem on my part. Now, I can still admit when I'm wrong, but I think about it first. Am I truly wrong? Maybe. If I am, great. Teach me why I was wrong. Don't judge me because I was wrong.
I truly believe that the first step in curing an addiction IS admitting there is a problem. The next step, I think, is trying to figure out the WHY. Why did you start drinking? Why did you start eating whenever you felt like it? Why did you stick that needle in your arm, or that drug up your nose? Why are you exercising excessively? Why are your starving yourself? What are the underlying issues at bay? I'm sure we'd all be shocked at the answers.
I also think there is a mental health component to addiction. I think that because I think that I see it clearly, having been close or really, being addicted to things before.
What were my addictions? Well, alcohol came close. That was last year. It was easy. I'd have a rough day, so why not have a beer? Or a glass of wine? It was relaxing. It felt good. It kept my thoughts from racing too much, my anxiety at bay. It started so innocently. Then it started to become a daily thing. THEN, I started to notice I was having an issue. As soon as I started to question myself, as soon as the rational part in my brain started asking why I NEEDED to do this, then I knew there was a problem. So I admitted to the problem, now I need to get the help. Other addictions have included the Internet and food. Both seemingly harmless in the moment, but when you're family life suffers because you're on the computer all day, or your health starts to suffer because you're eating all things at all times of the day and you gain weight, the harm adds up quickly. Those were my addictions of choice. I definitely have the capability of becoming addicted to things. I admit that now. BUT, knowing that is a BIG part of the battle. The ADHD can make me obsessive about things as well. I've blogged about the obsessions that come along with this disorder. It's not always as easy as "Just don't do it..." as people think it can be.
I am blessed. I have very good doctors and find that I connect with people easily. I keep an open mind and listen to what professionals say. If I have a question, I ask it. If I have a concern, I voice it. I don't go around bitching about my doctors. If I don't like a doc, I move on. It's easy for me to do that. They aren't gods. They are human beings like us, with the same failings as we do, they just are more educated than we are. My current family doctor is amazing. He will tell me straight out if he doesn't understand something and then tells me that he will look into it because frankly, he has a patient who needs to know. He rarely passes the buck unless he has to. My psychologist and psychiatrist are tough. They are great doctors and have very great points. They are brutally honest and I like that. I want you to tell me what it is, rather than tap dance around it. Help me help myself.
There, it brings me to my next point. So. I've asked for help, I'm receiving it. Now what?
Well, it's up to me at this point. I can sit around and bemoan my life, saying about how hard it is, how I need to change, but for some reason, I can't do it. I don't know how. I go to the doctor, I keep asking the same questions, they keep giving me the same answers, but nothing changes. Finally the doctor says "I've given you the tools. Now you need to stand up and take it on yourself." And they're right. Now it's on me.
Finding out I had ADHD was the greatest day of my life, since getting married and having my babies. It opened my eyes more to who I was, why I do the things I do and how to manage it. It helped me ask the RIGHT questions. WHY do I get addicted to things so easily? WHY do I obsess about certain things? HOW do I deal with them? WHEN does an obsession become unhealthy? WHY do I have so much trouble with maintaining focus and finishing things? These were all huge questions that needed answering.
So, then my doctors gave me the tools I needed. Therapy groups, meeting others who experience the same thoughts and issues I do, helped a lot. And in meeting these people, sharing my own struggles and ideas, it brought some people comfort to know they weren't alone, just as their stories did for me. They gave me medication. Not always the best mix, some of them don't work for me the way they can work for others. There's a bit of tweaking involved there, for anyone, so I always encourage those who struggle with finding the right balance to TALK to their doctors and try to figure out what works best for them. There are always many options.
So that's my experience with addiction. Of course, when it comes to my own friends and family members, they have always been extremely supportive and encouraging. I've rarely felt shame in expressing my feelings and concerns. And I've given my friends and family permission to always be honest with me. If they think I'm experiencing difficulty and falling down, they can mention it and we can work with it. It's not always lovely to have someone point out your failings, but really, when done with compassion and honesty, coming from a place of love, it's never so bad. I don't say that in the moment it's mentioned to me I'm happy, or all like "Thank you". I might get mad, but that's okay. I'm allowed to feel.
However, many people do not have the support I have. And I recognize that. So, how do we get the people who NEED the help, the help? I really don't have the answers. I truly don't. I wish I did. I wish I could tell someone "Hey, go here. They're awesome." I CAN go to some places because I have the financial means to do so. I have good insurance, a husband who works hard, and is willing to accommodate my schedule in order for me to attend the therapy and doctor's appointments. Not everyone has that means. And it saddens me.
It makes it easy for us to judge. It makes it easy to look at the addict and say "Well, the help is out there, why don't they go get it?" Or "Why did they choose to do that in the first place? Don't they know bettrer?" Chances are, they DO know better. Chances are, they had some sort of issue in life that they are trying to avoid and the easiest thing to do is self medicate. Some people truly do not know better. If you are raised in an environment of addiction and abuse, how can you truly know better if you started abusing drugs or alcohol at an early age? If the example wasn't there, what do you do to understand better? What if the shame is so debilitating that even the thought of asking for help sends you into deep depression and anxiety? What if you suffer from a mental health issue, like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, ADHD and you simply don't see a way out? See how easy it is to judge someone?
Then, we look at people like Mr. Hoffman and we think to ourselves, "he's rich. He's famous. He was sober for 23 years. How could he throw it away like that?" Well. Yeah. Those are great questions. And unless you've walked a mile in his shoes, been in his life, had his experiences, how do we know? If the average person, you and I, can fall into these addictions and we know better, and we're human, what's stopping a celebrity? Probably less than you think. In Hollywood, there are so many people who simply do not say NO to someone. They just go about their business, giving to these people for fear of angering them and then no longer being a part of their gravy train. There are many treatment programs out there, but how many of them truly attack the WHY of the situation? I'd like to say more than we think, but I don't believe that's true.
I know from my own experiences in the past year that learning the WHY behind these things is incredibly important. Changing how we think, how we talk to ourselves and view ourselves and others around us can make such an incredible difference. I started my journey of change five years ago, when I turned 30. I learned about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. My gosh, that's a difficult concept to undertake. Five years later, and I'm JUST totally understanding how it works now and how much it's benefited me in the past few months. And really, only in the past few months. I blogged a lot about epiphanies. Many of my epiphanies come complements of CBT.
I had two friends on my Facebook feed yesterday admit to being alcoholics. That makes my heart soar. And it makes my heart sore. I love my friends. They mean a lot to me, even those I haven't seen in years. I think of them and hope that they are healthy and happy, but the case is, not all of them came out in life with all the tools they needed to succeed in life. They struggled and still do. They, themselves are just now starting to understand who they are and how their own pasts have affected their choices. And the best part, is they admit that they chose the things they did to harm themselves. That's a HUGE thing to say. Like I said earlier, it's easy to hide behind a disease or mental health issue. It truly is. But if given the tools to admit important things like how we came to that point, it makes it easier to recognize our choices and how they've affected our lives.
I also know addicts who will hide behind the "disease" diagnosis. They disappoint me, I'm afraid. As soon as a person I know admits to their choices and is willing to face them, I applaud them. Loudly. And to them. The best way to make it past their addiction is to admit that there were choices at hand. Of course the alcohol didn't pour itself down their throat. Of course the needle didn't just land in their arm. Of course they took that pill. Of course they ate that enormous amount of food that day. Of course they didn't eat those all important meals. But while they DID it, there were reasons why they did it. And that's what needs to be addressed.
I was reading an article on Time.com this morning and the author mentioned many other ways that treatment centers are trying to deal with addiction and how to get people past the risk of relapse. Support is a big one. And I don't think it's just support from the medical community that is needed. Support from friends and family, even reaching out to strangers and telling your story, asking for help, is important. There are so many ways to ask for help now. Social media is a great way to find other people who understand and have been where another person is.
Look. I get what everyone is saying. I get how people are angry because celebrities die from drug overdose, or other "avoidable" addictions, and it seems senseless that we focus so much on their deaths because they were just famous for doing something. It seems so much worse because there are hundreds of thousands of less fortunate people worldwide who do not have the supports that are needed to break the cycle of addiction, any type of addiction. So, why not use these deaths as a springboard to conversation? What's so bad about that? Why let people like Philip Seymour Hoffman, Corey Montieth, Michael Jackson, Jimmy Hendrix, Layne Staley, Heath Ledger, Karen Carpenter (anorexia) and so many before them, and undoubtedly those who will come after them, die in vain? Why not let their lives speak for something OTHER than the excesses of Hollywood and how we watch them fall? Why not make it something we stand for, saying that we're tired of HUMAN lives being lost to these horrible addictions.
What's wrong with a bit of compassion when it comes to addiction? If a person is asking for help, whoever they are, why not reach out a hand and help? Even if all we can do is listen, be there for the person struggling, we're giving something of ourselves. Just a small part, really. And if we have the resources to help, then hand out again. Help them up. Don't kick them when they are down. Don't tell them it's their fault. They already know that. They've already beat themselves up about how bad they are doing. Trust me, they don't need help being told what's wrong. They're more aware than you'd know. None of us are perfect. We're human. We all make mistakes, bad choices, but we all have the capacity for good in us. We all have the means to say to a person "Okay. You need help. How can I do that for you?"
Anyone who reads this blog, know that I do this for that purpose. I KNOW there are other adults out there struggling with addictions from ADHD. It's a common part of this disorder. I know that there are those of you out there despairing, trying so hard, but just not finding those answers, those supports. If there are ever times you need to just reach out and need a hand up, just a kind word, a hand finding a resource, I'll do my best to help. I'm not expecting accolades or awards. I never did. I just want to share. I want to help. If this helps, I'm happy for that. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a pharmacist. I can only tell you my own experiences and tell you what's worked for me. I can only tell you what's inspired me. I can only tell you what I've done to help myself.
Like everyone else, I'm only human.
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