Memory

One thing I definitely struggle with is memory.

Specifically, short term memory.  If I don't write down a list for the grocery store, I'm more likely to forget something and almost always buy extra things I don't need.  My lists literally are the glue that can keep my brain together.  

Like everyone else, I walk into a room and totally forget why I'm there.  I learned this fall that it's because I haven't had the chance to make the thought permanent.  So that's why we do that.  Maybe we were thinking of something else in that moment, so it never got "stuck" in there.  Makes us feel like we're going crazy!  Or old!!!

I'm not getting too old.  I'm not going crazy.  I'm not going senile.  I was just distracted in that moment.  Its a very typical thing in my world.  And it's a very frustrating thing in my world.  If I don't put something in the same place over and over again, I will set it down somewhere else and totally forget about it.  My cell phone and keys are the worst.  If I don't have my keys either on the rack by the door, in my purse or in the coat I wore the time before, then I won't find them for hours sometimes.

I forget to get the kids to do their homework.  Homework should be a routine, DAILY item on my list, but somehow, it never sticks.  

I forget to feed the cats, even though they are winding around my legs, mewing at me, staring at their dishes with looks of pained hunger in their eyes.  (Don't worry.  My cats are FAR from starving.  They're just big babies.)

I forget a task I WANT to do so badly to get done.  It niggles in the back of my mind, messing with me, and I say "Okay!  I'm going to do that!  NOW!"  Then I wind up doing something else and "POOF!"  It's gone.  Then I walk into that room and think to myself "I was going to do that...ohh...a cookie!"  Then it's gone again.  (Cookies are awful distractions.  Cheesecake, too, it's the worst one of all.)

My bathroom.  Oh, my bathroom.  I forget all the time to do it.  Not out of "I don't want to clean my bathroom."  I like my bathroom clean.  But it's not a room I spend a lot of my time in.  I use it when I need to, then I shut off the light and move onto the next room.  

I leave laundry in the washing machine for DAYS at a time.  I know I'm not the only one out there who does that one.  So don't judge me.  

Long term memory.  There's another story.

I can remember the most ridiculous things.  I remember dates, names, places, locations.  Some of it might not be 100% there, like just flashes and such of a time when I was younger, but I remember things very well.  It can be really frustrating for Jeff.  It's like I have my own little filing cabinet that I store this crap in just to bring up months and even years later.  

It means that I remember the good times though.  And I can recall those moments and feel those times and how good it was.  I remember being a really little kid, probably close to my 3 year old's age, having laughing wars with my dad.  He would start laughing and would tell me not to and within minutes he'd have me just howling with laughter.  I remember him asking me about all the the NHL teams at the time, and I was able to name each and every one of them.  I remember feeling pride at being able to do that.  I was maybe four.

The worst part though, is how easy it is to recall the bad memories too.  The night my parents split up, I have fairly clear memories, but I have definite emotions.  I remember the hotel we stayed at with my mom when she took us from our house.  I remember how it felt when I told my dad about what happened to me when I was inappropriately touched.  I remember being in my friend's basement, while my dad called the neighbour to tell her what happened (we listened over the other line) and told her he was calling the police.  It's surreal to remember those moments so clearly.  

However, I'm lucky.  I can recall them, then I can send them away, with little affect to me.  I've been blessed enough to have had so much help in the past with those memories, that they are just memories.  Easily enough brought up, even easier to put away.  

My little filing cabinet serves me well in that regard.  

I'm also a fount of useless knowledge.  I'm fun to play Trivial Pursuit with.  I love those types of games!  I guess I don't get to flaunt my intellectual prowess as much as I'd like to, so games like Trivial Pursuit give me that opportunity.  Of course, we're not talking the Genius Edition.  More like the 80's and 90's Editions.  I can muddle through most of the other kinds though.  Some of the answers are common sense, others are just something I might have heard in passing.

There are many times my memory has served me extremely well.

Navigation is one of my big ones.  I might not know your address, but if I've been to your house once, it's in my head forever.  I navigate quite well by landmark.  I know how to use a map or GPS, but once I get there, I probably don't need it again.  This has helped not only myself, but others who are with me at the time.  

When I was in junior high and high school, I really loved to act.  I adored being on the stage and losing myself in a character.  It often involved a lot of memorization.  I never shied from that.  And my huge voice...that helped a lot too.  Projection has never been an issue.

I know that one way it will serve me best is in the memories I will have of my children.  I remember so many things from their earlier days, as babies.  I don't necessarily need photographs to picture them as babies.  They're already there, permanently etched in my psyche.  I've had parents often comment on how much I remember and how impressed they are.  I think I'm most proud of my memory at that point.

When it comes to school, my memory and I have a difference of opinion sometimes.  The funny thing is, even if I'm not necessarily paying attention, I'm still getting it.  I did little in English class in high school, yet somehow managed to pass.  I did quite well on the final exams, even though I barely paid attention.  It's an odd thing to see your grades are good, even though you don't do anything.  I never really understood that about myself.  

I definitely understand it much better now.  This whole journey in the past 10 months has proven to me that my brain functions just great.  I might not get it the first time around, or I do, but it gets filed away for another time.  Having ADHD can be a real adventure sometimes.  The things we see, often we file away for another time.  Being observant can be an ADHD person's greatest asset.  It can be our biggest problem as well, but using it for the good in life can be so much more satisfying.