Last week, I went to an allergist appointment. I didn't request it or anything, but the referral came in the mail and I figured, "Why not go?"
I have been told my whole life that I was allergic to penicillin. Fair enough. Bad for me though; some infections don't necessarily respond to some of the other types of antibiotics.
My family doctor is amazing. He felt that it needed to be tested. So we're working on that.
While I was there, the allergist asked me a bunch of questions, mostly regarding my pulmonary functioning. Stuffy nose, chest issues, stuff like that. If some of her questions surprised me, my own answers REALLY surprised me.
Turns out, I experience "exercise induced asthma". I know. It sounds strange. When I look back on all the times I've been out exercising, trying to keep up, hiking, or biking, things I really love to do, I always experienced the burning pain in my upper chest. It was like this when I was a kid too. I could never keep up. Running is agony, burning and trying so hard just to catch my breath. Even the stairs at home pose issues. I'm left out of breath if I have to go up and down from my basement to my top floor more than once. Nothing I did, no matter how much I did, ever worked. I was always told that if I did more, my lungs would get stronger and it would get easier. It never got easier. It has always been very frustrating. I don't like it. I love to hike. I'd like to walk up a hill just once where I'm not totally out of breath, wheezing like an old woman. Breathing that heavily makes taking photos difficult! I'm not old, I don't smoke, I'm not in the best of shape, but with amount of time I've spent in the gym in the past almost year, I really should be doing much better.
This diagnosis works great for me because more oxygen to my lungs means more oxygen to my muscles. So then, I can burn the fat more effectively. I have lots of fat. Like, too much fat. Less fat means healthier momma. Healthier momma means happier, more energetic momma. (Yes, I CAN be more energetic. Bet that scares the hell out of people who know me!)
She also treated my very swollen sinuses. Turns out waking up on a regular basis with a stuffy nose, regardless of cold symptoms or not, isn't normal.
It turns out that all these health "issues" that I've lived with my whole life, weren't normal. I didn't realize that everyone doesn't go outside at -40C and get a tight, burning sensation in their chests. I didn't realize that stuffed sinuses almost nightly wasn't normal. Well, maybe not the sinus one...but it wasn't totally bothersome. I admit, I probably sounded like a hypochondriac all the time though. I'd wake up and say to Jeff "Oh man, my sinuses are so clogged. I think I'm getting another cold." To which he'd reply "You're always sick."
Turns out, I wasn't!
To cope with the asthma aspect, I just wouldn't bother. Or I'd only do what I could and if it got to be too hard, instead of pushing it harder (which I probably shouldn't have done anyway) I would slow it down and then feel awful because how come can't I get better! Why can't I do MORE?! Then, it turns into why bother anyway. I can't do it. Those thoughts become pervasive. And as I said about the sinuses, I just didn't realize how abnormal it was.
This is what people with ADHD do. We find ways to cope with our struggles, telling ourselves that everyone experiences periods of procrastination, negative thoughts, feeling scattered. And to a degree, we're right. Of course everyone does it. We all let things go sometimes, but the difference between someone with ADHD and a "normal" brain is that a "normal" person can move past the procrastination in a reasonable amount of time and move on. With ADHD it's easy to just keep procrastinating. There are so many other things to do in the world! The dishes can wait another day! That school paper can wait another few hours, even if it's due tomorrow!! Of course, along with that, come the negative thoughts. The "I just can't do it" becomes a daily mantra. And it spirals from there. When it becomes something that affects our lives to such a negative degree that we lose all sight of who we are, what we can be, then we need to face what's happening and figure it out.
It's not always that easy though. Part of ADHD is the lack of impulse control.
Some people are incredibly adaptable and do very well through life without treatment and medication. They find their coping mechanisms and they work for them. Unfortunately, not all of us are that lucky.
Some of us with ADHD turn to food. Some of us turn to alcohol and drugs. Some hoard, shop, anything to focus on something positive in our lives. Some of us just float about, hoping to just get by.
Most of us are ashamed of what's going on in our heads. It's tough. We KNOW what we need to do, we just can't figure out HOW to get to it. Or how to MAINTAIN it. Getting past the "all or nothing thinking" has been one of the toughest things I've done. That's been my mountain, along with the consistency and follow through. It improves day by day, but as I'm starting to see, what goes on in my head isn't necessarily "normal".
It's not bad either. Actually, I kind of like it. It makes me different. It makes me funny, observant, smart, artistic and aware. I can be empathetic and sensitive of other's struggles because I have struggled so much with my own brain. So many things interest me and spur me on to learn something new. It helps me meet new people and learn about them. There are days where it can be extremely difficult to control, where things get a bit messed up, but with treatment and therapy, things have gotten far better than they were. Most of my good intentions become things that get done.
No more just wandering through life wondering if that's normal. Obviously, even in my own skin, I don't always know what's going on. I've been incredibly blessed by doctors who care, are observant and capable. This was a fluke. I truly had no idea that any of this was going on. I just figured this was normal. It's sort of reminiscent of April when I was first diagnosed with ADHD. The amount of change and understanding was incredible.
Here it's happened again. And for the good. After last week's strep throat, because of the mostly liquid diet, I dropped almost 10lbs in a week. Now that I have the new inhaler and the new information, I'm hoping I can get back into the gym and really rock it now. It's important to me to feel good.
So, basically, sometimes things we think are "normal", aren't always. But sometimes, "normal" isn't always what we're meant to be.
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