I've never been a small person. I've always been big. Not fat, just big. Well...I guess fat too. By the time I was 12 years old, I was as tall as my dad at five foot five inches. At around 18, I stopped growing and was done at five foot nine and a half inches tall.
I've always been heavy as well.
It made me an easy target. I was already awkward. Different. Add to it height and weight and you have a LARGE easy target. I could never hide. I stuck out in a crowd. I was tall, blonde, big and awkward. Tough mix growing up. I'd slouch to try to fit in, but that just made me look pathetic. That slouch has now given way to a bit of a hump on the back of my neck. I have to be very conscious of how I stand in order for it not to get prominent. Nobody but my husband and I have noticed it, but I know it's there.
I'm not bemoaning my adolescence. I really had a very happy childhood. Unfortunately, I was always highly aware of my differences. My self esteem was low, I didn't date, I just hung out with friends and tried to fit in. I know that there were times I could have dated, but I just never felt confident enough to try it.
As I grew older, things didn't change much. I ate a lot, didn't do much in the way of physical exercise, just liked to hang out in the shadows until I felt comfortable enough to come out and be me. I'm sure there are people from my past reading this going "Really? I had no idea!" If there was one thing I was good at, it was hiding how I felt. Really, food helped me hide it. It's easy to eat your feelings and then push them down, leaving a happy, confident face for the rest of the world, while inside you are a quivering mess of anxiety.
This spring, when I was given my ADHD diagnosis, I was also placed on Concerta. One of the "off label" effects of Concerta is appetite suppressing. This is a great thing because it keeps me from eating too much. I didn't really want to eat as much as I used to, but of course, being diabetic, I have to keep up on my intake of fuel or else I get...well...I'm not fun to deal with. Let's just put it that way.
The biggest worry for me was back in October when I had to change ADHD medications. The Concerta was making me...mean. I was cranky, jittery, every manner of bitchy sometimes. I always felt awful after a bad Concerta day. The only way to make it work well was to hit the gym and work as much of it off as possible. My psychiatrist put me on Vyvanse. The difference was amazing. They are both stimulants, (seems counter-intuitive, doesn't it? Someone with a hyperactivity issue, here's a stimulant) but for some reason, the chemical make up of Vyvanse isn't as hard on my system. I was really worried that I'd gain back the weight I'd lost. Not out of vanity, but strictly because of how good I feel now that I've lost it. Turns out, Vyvanse has the same appetite suppressing side effect. I still get jittery sometimes, but it's nothing I can't handle. At least I can still have my coffee every morning.
Keep in mind, my diabetes is well controlled through diet and exercise. I don't even really measure my sugars anymore and my last A1C (three month test) showed that my diabetic levels were around pre-diabetic levels. Of course, I never asked for this, but given family history, the fact that I'd had two pregnancies with gestational diabetes and my weight issue, it really was just a matter of time. My only wish is that I'd had more time.
Fast forward to today.
When we first got strep throat last week, I was 234lbs. (I'm not shy about my weight. It is what it is.) Yesterday, when I stepped on the scale, I was 225.6. This morning, I'm 224. This is amazing. Of course, it's in part to the fact that I couldn't eat anything solid or hard. I was on a liquid diet with cooked bland pasta to fill my belly. It's not a great way to diet, I don't recommend it, but at the same time, I managed to get over my plateau of 233. I've been struggling with that for about four months now. It would dip down to about 229, then pop back up again to about 233...it was a bit discouraging. I seem to have gotten past the plateau.
I'm not the type of person to celebrate every single pound that I lose. Actually, I kind of get annoyed by that. I try not to judge, I get that everyone has goals, but after a while, it's a bit tedious. I'm not doing anything spectacular in my life, just eating when I'm hungry, thinking about why I want to eat after a meal and I think I'm hungry. I've started keeping a health journal. It's helped me to track my exercise and diet. I'm a creature of habit and I really like having a physical record of what's happening. I'm also putting into that journal how I was feeling that day. Am I anxious? Am I tired? Sick? Am I happy, content or busy? Did I eat enough? Perhaps there are days where I could eat more. I know there are.
I don't follow any specific rules. I think rules are stupid. Well, some rules. I'm a bit of a stickler for common rules, everyday societal rules, like don't murder or steal, but I hate arbitrary rules. If it's midnight and I'm feeling like I need something to eat, I'll go find something. Sometimes it's cheese and crackers, sometimes it's chocolate. But it's all in moderation. Drinking a certain amount of water sounds good to me. It's not always easy; water's just...water. It's bland. Sometimes I want a bit of flavour, without feeling guilty that it isn't water. I carry water with me all the time. Somedays I drink 4 24oz bottles of water, somedays, only 1 or 2. I drink **gasp** diet pop. At least after I've lost the weight and die, I'll be a well preserved corpse. Open up my coffin and wow...she looks awesome for a woman who died at 99!
Ohhh...yes. Buzz words. TOO MANY BUZZ WORDS. Jesus. Clean eating? Umm...so. Wash my food first? Or wait...just avoid foods with preservatives and chemicals. Well, I'll sure try, but every once in a while, that burger at Burger King just calls me and who am I to deny myself the occasional burger? Oh...the big one. Gluten-free! People, I can't stress this enough, DO YOUR RESEARCH! Please. I know there are lots of studies (and celebrities) out there talking about gluten-free and how it can be good to go that route. I'm not sure of the science behind it, (I definitely don't listen to the celebrities) but all my doctors and dieticians have told me that gluten-free isn't something we need to be concerned about, unless you suffer from Celiac Disease or another gastric issue that can't handle the gluten in grain products. Organic. <<sigh>> I can't afford organic. I have three kids who go through produce like locust. So...Chemicals please. Montsanto. WTF? I've learned a bit more about this. All in all, just avoid too much corn. We don't know what genetically modifying our food will do to us. It seems many people don't realize we've been genetically modifying our food for years. I suppose when our first three eyed children come out, we'll know. I'm not trying to be glib and just brush it off. I know that there could be harmful effects behind some of this stuff, but even the creators and scientists don't know. I wonder how many of these "discoveries" haven't been made from mistakes, like penicillin. And that "mistake" did us a world of good. Of course, these are just my opinions. I know there are studies, journals, scientists...I know. I've heard the rhetoric, the talk, the buzz words. I've caught a few moments of Dr. Oz...man, that guy contradicts himself ALL THE TIME!! Be mindful of what you watch and read. Find things that contradict those statements and keep an open, critically thinking mind and you will be fine.
*steps off soap box* (I just really hate arbitrary rules and rhetoric)
Look. Here's what I've learned that works for me.
Moderation : This is my key. Take what I think I NEED in that moment and sit down to eat. As soon as it doesn't feel like I can eat anymore, I STOP. I don't keep eating because there's food on my plate. Next time, I'll just be mindful of that and just don't take as much at my next meal.
Mindfulness : Being mindful of how I'm feeling while I'm eating. Or even when I'm not eating and yet I have a "craving" for something. Understanding the link between food and emotion was a huge turning point for me. I'm a terrible evening eater. I get bored, watching television and suddenly that junk food calls for me. I'm a huge carbohydrate addict. Chips, cake, cookies...they are my downfall. Pizza. Oh my god I love pizza.
Being mindful of what I'm eating. Enjoying it. Taking the time to really love my food and tasting it. Sounds cheesy, but in one of my group therapy sessions, we literally studied a craisin. One single, tiny craisin. It was really amazing how much more we got out of the task when we were just taking our time. It even brought me back to cranberry picking with my family in the Yukon when I was a kid. Really neat stuff. I'm not saying you have to sit at the table and make noises of bliss while you eat, I'm just saying, take time and go slow. I'm surprised at how fast I fill up and how much less I might eat. Think about the number of times you can't remember what you had for breakfast by the time you get to dinner. We live in such a fast paced, intense busy world, we just don't take time for the finer things in life, and food can be SUCH a fine thing.
Activity : This above all alleviates so much for me. It takes away any anxiety I might be experiencing. It helps me focus my mind on things that I might not otherwise have time to think about when I'm at home with the kids. This doesn't have to be in the gym. I just really happen to like going there, mostly because there's childcare and Grady has a place to go and I get my "me time". I have found a real sense of community in my gym and have even encouraged some of my friends to join me occasionally. I adore being outside. Walking to the park, hiking, biking, anything outdoors is just Heaven for me. Winter can be tough right now because Grady is still too small to really get outside with when it's cold. Being cloistered up in the house gets my anxiety up and going, especially after the week we just had.
Shopping : My biggest struggles is sticking to my grocery list. Many times, I write one down, only to leave it at home. Bet I'm not alone! My intentions are always good, but then I get to the grocery store and all bets are off. There are SO many tempting goodies there. It can be hard to resist. In my weight therapy group, we learned about how to stick to the outer aisles. Stick to the breads (careful here...you can have some, but read labels...) meats, produce, dairy and frozen foods aisles. If you MUST go down the middle aisles, know what you're looking for and again...read labels. It sounds like a lot of work, but it really isn't. I just glance now. This all harkens back to mindfulness.
Doctors : These guys can be extremely helpful. They will weigh and measure you, take blood samples to see what you need to work on. I know there are docs out there who are just assholes about all of this and make people feel bad, but in reality, there ARE good docs out there who understand the challenges and want to help. I have a freakin retinue of docs. I have my GP, psychiatrist, psychologist and dietician. And that's JUST for me. These people help me by asking me the right questions, supporting me in my choices if they agree and offering up helpful ideas if they don't. There is NOTHING wrong with asking for help. My first step was the doc three years ago when I found out I was diabetic. I cried. I didn't want to be diabetic and I was trying to take steps to avoid that route. Once I saw the silver lining of it, I moved forward and tried to get better. I wasn't always successful, but at least I tried. And now that I'm doing things more regularly, I'm finding that the effects on my body are quite amazing. Effects that aren't visible to the naked eye, but make a profound effect on my body and mind. My blood pressure is amazing, my cholesterol is better than my GP's, and my resting heart rate is lower than it's been since I was a kid. All positive things. All just from small daily changes.
One of my biggest things is to remember that I am learning new habits in order to break the bad ones. And this will take time. It's still taking time. Here's what I do: take your age and think to yourself, "I'm ___. I've been building these bad habits for my life. They're not going to change overnight." When you "screw up" and eat five pieces of pizza one night, don't beat yourself up. Just say "okay. I did that. I won't do it tomorrow." There's always another day ahead. Once you start taking care of yourself, then you add many MORE tomorrows onto your life. Isn't that worth a little less pizza?
Once I realized this, it was easier to make the changes. And they don't have to be huge sweeping changes. Start with a small one. Say, "Okay, I'm going to have an egg today with my cereal and coffee." Or, "I'm having an apple for my snack." Don't go into your house, do a mass clean out of all the junk food and throw it out. There's no harm in a few handfuls of chips. Just make sure you take a bowl, not the bag. I'm guilty of the bag...the entire bag. The entire, family sized, got it at Costco bag. During a movie...But it just feels so GOOD sometimes to indulge. I like to give myself one day a week where I just don't care. I eat...anything.
In our house, we drink 3% milk because we like it better than lower fat milks. We don't consume enough of it to get fat on. We still have 14% sour cream, because well...same reason. It tastes better, but I don't put a whole container on my potatoes. I eat butter because it's more natural than margarine. I get enough chemicals in my produce and pop. I still use 10% to 18% coffee cream. It's not like I'm drinking an entire container with my coffee. But I eat far more produce and healthier snacks than before. I still have chips. I still have cake. I just don't eat it all in one sitting. I might have to work a bit harder in the gym the next day, but c'est la vie!
There are lots of alternatives out there to the junk food we all love. And it can get expensive, but I've found that eliminating the junk food leaves money for the good food.
I was always overwhelmed by the ads on TV. I was always overwhelmed by the rules. I was always overwhelmed by the sheer number of people I knew who were struggling to lose weight. It got to a point of annoyance for me. I wanted to celebrate with everyone, their successes and such, but it was just too much. I was upset because I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get it together, but at the same time, I knew that their ways of doing it wouldn't work for me. Everyone is so different. And there are so many fads out there that go hand in hand with the buzz words. I didn't want to get caught up in the hype and the fads. Rarely those seem to work. Sweeping changes don't work for me either. I'm not a "cold turkey" kind of girl. I know that some things work for some people and they are capable of maintaining it, but I like the freedom of knowing that I can eat pretty much what I want, when I want without feeling guilty.
These are all lessons I've learned in the past 10 months. They haven't been easy, and if I'm really honest, I've been learning these lessons since I was diagnosed diabetic 3 years ago. We all know the words, we all know the consequences. There's far too much on TV now for us to be able to say we're ignorant of it. And if we are ignorant of it, chances are we're healthy anyway, because we're living off the grid, eating granola and chewing on grass all day. There are so many ways to live a healthy, happy lifestyle, but I needed to find the way that worked for me.
While I don't (and won't) celebrate every single little pound that comes off of me, I will celebrate the life altering changes I've been able to make in the past year. I will be happy with myself and understand that this isn't an overnight success story. I enjoy cooking, I enjoy food, I enjoy eating out with friends. I just want to live my life, enjoy my life! And I want to share these lessons with everyone. I want them to know that you don't have to do shakes and juices to be healthy. You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on the latest fad diet. Just be mindful of what you eat, how much you eat, when you eat. Writing it down sounds a bit obsessive and tedious, but if you do write it down, be honest with yourself. Don't skip something in the journalling process because you feel bad about it. Be honest and celebrate your honesty! Take time to just celebrate YOU! (A CHEESY sentiment if ever there was one, but it IS Valentine's Day...Why not Love yourself!?)
I even posted a selfie of myself in the mirror a couple weeks ago. So awkward. My bathroom was a mess.
I'm going to the grocery store now. And seeing as it's Valentine's Day and my husband isn't here today, I WILL buy myself something. I have my eye on a couple of super cute owl mugs at a local card store. I'm sure there's chocolate on my list somewhere as well.
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