Today was a strange day.
It's been almost a year since I was diagnosed with having ADHD and there seems to be days where I can manage it wonderfully and others where it's just a huge challenge.
Unfortunately, today was a big challenge.
I had an anxiety attack. I haven't had one in MONTHS. And of course, they never come at a convenient time, like say, when I'm sitting on the couch and then one hits. No no...they have to come as I'm driving down 23rd Ave, going to get gas, while my three year old whines and begs to use the potty because he wants to poop. (I told him if he poops again, he will get this train set he saw at Toys R Us. Not my brightest idea.)
All of a sudden, my stomach started to ache. I know I'm hungry, so I take a bit of apple. Well, that didn't help. Just made things worse, which made the anxiety worse. Of course, Grady in the backseat, going on and on about this train set, this doesn't help. There's nowhere to pull over, so I just keep driving carefully, heading to the gas station. At least there, I can get out of the car and get some fresh air.
I got my gas, went into the gas station to get some cash, paid for the gas and some juice and started to feel a little better. I got into the car, drove home. It's just better that way. I called Jeff too. He has a way of helping me think it out, and talking to him distracts me away from the anxiety.
He asked why I was having the attack and I told him it's because of a blender. I want to buy this one particular blender, but it costs 100$ and while we're not hurting for money or anything, I just can't justify 100$ in my head. And I really want this blender. I could really USE this blender. I love my smoothies and shakes, as do the kids and Jeff. My little Magic Bullet just isn't big enough for what we need and it's starting to act up.
Is it the blender? Really? Well. No. It's not.
It's me. It's always me. It's me with a million things on my mind, worrying about things that really, I don't need to worry about. This is nothing that anyone has asked of me, any pressure that anyone has put on me, nothing to do with anyone BUT me. The blender was just the trigger.
Let me explain.
I'm on the parent council this year. I'm LOVING it. I'm working hard at making sure that I get the things I've committed to done, keeping good notes and helping as much as possible, when possible. I love the ladies I work with, I adore our volunteers and our school is wonderful. I have a ton of ideas to make some things, like coordinating volunteers, easier. I've been talking to parents all weekend about ideas for communicating with them when we need help, when the next meetings are, other information we can pass on to them. I'm getting really positive reception regarding these things and it makes me excited. So then it triggers more and more thoughts. Then I sit down, write a few things down, I even drafted a parent council newsletter we'd been discussing since the start of the year, as well as a volunteer coordinating sheet.
Sounds good right? Sounds like I'm on a good path?
I am. I'm proud of it. I know it's something that can help us. Here's the catch. I'm worried that it won't work. I'm worried that it won't make sense or that it's too much. I'm worried that I'll overdo it and seem obsessive. Which sometimes, I am. I want to do a good job so badly, and I want to please everyone so much, that sometimes it becomes a problem and I wind up spending hours on things that at that moment, aren't really all that important in that moment. This has NOTHING to do with the ladies I work with, the school or the volunteers. This is me.
This past week, we had a festival that went wonderfully. I was really happy with it. However, it seems to have overwhelmed me. I guess it stressed me out far more than I'd anticipated. I'd never done anything like that before, or at the very least, never been on the front line of an event like that. Things went well, and besides a few hiccups, which are TOTALLY normal in big events, it was wonderful. I met some new people, got the chance to talk to friends and my kids got to play and have fun with their friends.
That's what got me thinking about the volunteer stuff as well as the newsletter and other items that came to mind. NOW...a good thing DID happen in all of that. I really wanted to share this with the other members of our council, but I knew that the other ladies had worked so hard and had been busy with the festival as well as life in general. I knew perfectly well that while I was brimming with ideas and plans, they most likely wanted to just chill out and spend time with their families. I'm not so sure that in the past I'd have had the capacity to do the same thing. So...score one for me!
There are, of course, other things always swirling around in my mind. Home things, future plans, stuff I need to attend to. It's not that I don't want to do them. I literally forget, in the swirl of other things that run through my mind. Today was not a good day for managing all that was going on. I was a freaking runaway train of conversation and while I was aware of it, I just couldn't stop it. I sure tried. I wasn't the most successful today. While I'm a good communicator and I'm becoming a MUCH better listener, some days are just much harder than others.
Ahh...good old impulse control. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to have good impulse control. To be able to look at something and KNOW whether or not it's something that's good for your life. That's the issue with the blender.
So now, I have an overabundance of impulse control when it comes to the blender, but none when it came to talking today. Talk about a dichotomy. The only problem is, the overabundance triggered an anxiety attack and was a bit of a surprise. I was going to go out to look at the blender again (the people at Canadian Tire must think I'm nuts...I've been in twice to look at the stupid thing...) but after the attack and how Grady was acting, it just wasn't worth it. I probably wouldn't have gotten it anyway.
I came home, put away the groceries that needed putting away, put Grady in his room with my phone (he can watch YTV on it), a snack and a drink, then went and took a shower. I was feeling really wretched, sweaty and nasty. My hair needed attention and that was definitely one of the things that was weighing on my mind. I even tried to lay down for a bit and rest, but I really wanted, no probably NEEDED, to write this blog out, so a snooze never happened. I'm sitting in my living room, no TV on, just the hum of the dryer and cars buzzing past. I have my window open and I can hear the breeze and every once in a while a small gust blows through and it's marvelous. A bit chilly...but lovely all the same.
I know that sometimes it's not going to be easy. I know that I'm going to struggle and there are days where it's going to be just over the top. The things that were running through my mind weren't things that were bad. They are just life. I've come to realize in the past year that anxiety comes in all sorts of forms, not just the bad. I can become anxious for the good too. Nothing that happened in the past few days was bad, difficult or harmful. None was traumatizing. It was fun, exhilarating, even self esteem boosting. I was quite literally, in my element, organizing, doing paperwork, talking to people, networking. I really enjoyed myself. Today, perhaps I just hadn't dealt with some of the things I was thinking about, like housework, potty training, groceries, tax stuff, and it just became overwhelming. I'm sure I'm not the only one that can happen to, I'm just hyper aware of it when it happens.
Even almost a year into this journey and I'm still learning. I'm still figuring things out, learning how my brain works and how I can make it so that it's not so overwhelmed. Blogging has been an excellent outlet for me, and really helps me to define what I'm thinking and gives me a chance to really delve into it and see how things are changing. I always re-read what I've written and there have been times I'm surprised at how cohesive my thoughts are in that moment, even though they don't feel that way. I know that blogging helps because it gives me a focus. It helps me sort through what is swirling around in my mind and helps me to analyze it in a more organized way. One of the worst parts about ADHD is the constant switching of topics that can happen in a flash. Sometimes I even surprise myself. I KNOW I can surprise others at how fast I can switch topics. Blogging helps me to organize those thoughts and keep on one topic or another.
Well, the peace of my home has been shattered by the little bodies that came home from school. Olivia and her friend are in the basement watching some TV, Logan and his friend are outside playing. Grady. He's obsessed. With poop. He's currently trying to down as much "healthy food" as possible in the hopes of repeating yesterday's success and thus going back to Toys R Us for a train set that he's set his heart on. And my cats are currently going insane, fighting and running around like their asses are on fire.
It's my overwhelming, insane life, and I love it. Never a dull moment. Ever.
I admit though. I'm tired of talking about poop.
No comments:
Post a Comment