I really want to blog today. I have a couple ideas in mind, but as I sit down to type them out, I find myself having a great amount of difficulty doing so.
I'm highly irritable today. And not for any particular reason that I can think of. Just highly irritable.
It starts in my stomach. It gets all tight and I get a bit jittery. Kind of like when I'm having a sugar low from the diabetes. I go right to a snack first. See if that is the case. Sometimes, low blood sugars can cause me to be quite irritable and cranky.
If that doesn't work...well. Then I need to think about what could be making me feel this way.
After my stomach, it starts to sort of "climb" up my chest. Then my chest gets tight and my shoulders join into the feeling. I try breathing deeply, keeping calm.
Then something triggers it the frustration. The yelling...the anger, frustration, irritation. It can be explosive, it can be totally quiet. When I get quiet, then things are BAD. I'm a very extroverted individual. I am completely capable of expressing myself, whether in a constructive way (calmly explaining why I feel this way) or a completely deconstructive way (yelling and angry).
What are my triggers?
I hate to say this, but one of my biggest triggers is my three year old. I adore him. He's the best little kid, but he's a hurricane. A flurry of insanity. He's very demanding, stubborn and loud. (I don't know where he gets it from). He's incredibly intelligent and when he's bored, he's kind of like a border collie. Needs a job to do, and sometimes finds a job that I don't necessarily want him to do.
Some days, it feels like he knows I'm edgy. He pushes every single button he can to get me to react and it can be incredibly frustrating. Those days, it's easier to put him in his room for a bit and then go lay down and read. They don't happen often, thankfully. Most of the time, it's a matter of finding him something to do and keeping him busy. Even just feeding him can help with his attitude.
In an extremely childish manner, I get anxious, frustrated and angry when things don't go the way I planned. Last November, I broke a toe and couldn't go to the mall to do some Christmas shopping like I'd planned with the boys. I was so frustrated with my plans being shot like that, even though there wasn't anything I could do about it. I hate it with a passion when I get a plan in my head, and for whatever reason, financial or time, I can't do it, I get really pouty and silly about it. It's quite ridiculous and childish, I'm aware, but it's one my personality flaws that I'm learning to curtail. Mostly, I'm just learning to keep it to myself.
Other triggers are noises. Food noises are the biggest trigger. I get so annoyed when people eat loudly. Of course, many times, people don't mean to or even know they are annoying me. My husband is highly aware of this and he likes to make fun of it. He doesn't do anything overly annoying, mocking me or anything, but he makes fun of it and calls it "Mommy's psychosis". He's not entirely wrong. There's a psychiatric disorder called "misophonia" wherein a person gets highly anxious and irritated by certain noises. For some, even just loud breathing can be annoying. I'm not saying that I have it, but there is an explanation for it. My dad gets highly annoyed at the same thing. Jeff thinks that I developed the "psychosis" (as he calls it) because of my dad. Which is fine. He's probably right. LOL
If a day has been particularly difficult, towards the end of the day, even the TV is annoying. Which is strange to me because I've lived with the TV on pretty much my whole life. When I was a kid, it was a comfort to me to hear the TV on in the living room. My mom had left when I was six, and in my mind, the TV meant that dad was still home and I was safe. I guess I have a fear of being abandoned, but in reality, don't we all?
One of the silliest times I get annoyed and frustrated it when I'm trying to concentrate on a television show. Like this is the most important thing in the world. Of course, it's not. My kids and my husband are. However, there are so many times when I find myself distracted from something I wanted to see and I get frustrated because I was actually concentrating on the show at hand. I admit, I've gotten really upset about that a few times, and I always feel stupid afterwards. A PVR would be a good idea for me. Netflix and video on demand has saved my sanity a few times. I REALLY like good TV, especially at night when the kids are in bed. It's my escape, like my books. If there's nothing good on TV, I'll go read. But if I decide to try to watch something during the day when the kids are awake, and I really want to see it, inevitably, I find myself frustrated with them because they want my attention. It's a foolish decision and so I have to just let go and watch later on. It's really not that big of a deal. I just make it that way.
I have many ways of handling the irritations. Some days, it's not always possible, but I do my best.
I need to keep an eye on my caffeine intake. That can heighten my frustration levels. Keeping my sugars up and steady is a huge one. The lower my sugars, the higher my irritation.
I get very overwhelmed when I have multiple tasks to attend to. I need to keep my mind on the fact that even if there are many different chores to do, commitments to fulfill and other various things that need to be attended to, I can't do them all and I need to remind myself that I will get things done if I just go slow and work steadily. I still struggle daily with the "all or nothing" thinking. I'm getting there. I can tell myself that it's okay, I don't HAVE to get it done THIS INSTANT. My notebooks and daytimer are big helps on that front. Planning ahead and knowing what's to come can be the biggest mood saver of all.
Also, this time of the year is difficult for me. I can't WAIT to get outside more. Right now, the weather is highly unpredictable. One day, it can be 15 degrees above and warm and sunny. The next day, it can be 2 degrees and wet and cold. There are huge puddles under the toys at the parks, so I can't even really take the kids out there. I know that we're so close to the end of the winter, so I get so anxious to get out and recharge my batteries. I LOVE the spring and summer. Lots of hiking, biking, camping, walking, playing, you name it. I love to go to the park, a book in hand, blanket and a snack, then lay under a tree, reading while my kids play happily in the park. Many times, I call up friends in the neighbourhood and we all get together and let the kids just go wild. I get SO much wonderful conversation during times with my friends. I know some amazing women!
Obviously, expressing myself helps immensely. Putting it out there, whether on paper or on my blog, helps so much. Just to have it out, making sense, in a way for me to look at it and re-read it. It helps me to plot out the reasons I feel the way I do, and how I can deal with it. Today is just one of those days. I needed to put this down. When I started this post today, I seriously did NOT know what I was going to put down, but now that I have, I feel better. Calmer. A little more centered and grounded.
I haven't been to the gym in a week or so. I think I'm getting a bit bored in the gym right now and really want to be out walking for an hour instead of on a treadmill. Unfortunately, the weather hasn't really allowed me to do that. I did put Grady in a stroller the other day and we went out for a bit, but it was still too chilly for him and we had to come home. It was okay though. At least I got out for a while. Perhaps tomorrow is a gym day before we head out for groceries. I do a bit of yoga in the house at night before bed and that's helpful. Just moving my body around and working on breathing and strength can be so calming. I'd also like to take up jogging a bit this summer. Give it a try, see if I can go somewhere with it. I don't know why, but the urge to jog has been on my mind a lot lately.
So...for now, I'm going to go work on my laundry (we cleaned out under the stairs the other day and found tons of stuff that had gone missing...what a job that was) and tidy up around the house. I still have to figure out dinner. I might have to get creative tonight.
Before that, I have one more blog post to write. This next one will be a bit more humourous I hope. LOL
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