Married for Ten Years...And It Just Keeps Getting Better!

When I was growing up, I never had many boyfriends.  There were a few reasons for that.

First off, I wasn't very popular.  I was kind of loud, different, oftentimes, bigger than a lot of the boys.  I was pretty naive, which in the long run, proved helpful for me.

I wasn't the prettiest girl.  And of course, "knowing" that meant that I didn't give out any confidence that would attract anyone to me.

I was probably in a lot of danger of getting into unhealthy relationships because of my self-esteem.  Again, as I said, I was a people pleaser.  I had lots of crushes, but I doubt any of them were ever reciprocated.  I had a boyfriend when I was 15, that lasted almost a year.  It wasn't the healthiest relationship, but it taught me valuable lessons.  In some ways, it probably served me well too.

I had one more official boyfriend when I was 16/17.  It was an online relationship.  I moved down to his house right out of high school and then we wound up back in the Yukon.  He went back home to his parents.  The following spring, I met Jeff.

Jeff and I have a ton of things in common.  Many mutual friends growing up, his mom worked with my dad, my dad had mutual friends with his parents.  We'd gone to school together since Kindergarten.  We're in each of our class photos from Kindergarten until grade 6, with the exception of Grade 4.  My best friend dated his brother, his brother was in the same grade as my sister.  Lots of coincidences.  

But our paths rarely, if ever crossed.  

In grade 12, I worked at Hougen's Photo, and had that long distance boyfriend.  One night, while I was at work, Jeff came up to me and started just chatting.  Small talk, nothing major. I was a bit surprised, because I knew him to be fairly quiet, kept to himself.  I hadn't really talked to him before.  He said "Okay then, see you later."  As he was walking away, his brother came up to him and said "Hey!  Did you ask her?"  Jeff said "no."  His brother says "Go ask her!"  

I was a bit confused, but as Jeff came up to me, he says "So, do you have anyone to go to grad with?"  I said "No."  He said "Do you want to go with me?"  I said "Sure!"  He said, "Really?  Okay then!"  And left.  

Grad came, we went together, had our pictures taken, did our dances, and went our separate ways.  He went to Dawson City, I went to Lethbridge.  

In April of 1997, Jeff came back to town.  I had moved back to Whitehorse the past September, my ex-boyfriend had left in January of 1997.  My friend was dating his brother again and told me about it.  I don't remember everything, but I was single, I guess I asked her if we could go visit them and then we started dating.

Jeff was incredibly different.  He was confident, self-assured, honest, faithful, hardworking, friendly.  He was respectful, funny, witty, smart.  He and I had lots of common interests, including the outdoors, hiking, camping.  We have a very similar sense of humor.  We have common tastes in movies, books, tv shows.  His family is similar to mine in many philosophies.  I always feel extremely comfortable with his family.  I've learned a lot from them.  I never had a big family, and it was very intimidating when I met them, but they were open and so much fun!  Getting his family together can be a real undertaking, but always something to look forward to!  

There are some glaring differences as well.  Where I'm highly social, trusting, open to everything, Jeff's quieter, enjoys being home and out of crowds, cynical and sometimes difficult to get to know.  That, I'm sure took time on both our parts to get used to.  I'm sure my social nature irritates him and I know that often his anti-social nature irritates me sometimes.  But, I've gotten over it.  I'll say to him "I've been invited to this event.  Do you want to get a sitter and come with  me, or would you rather stay home?"  He'll tell me what he wants to do.  That way, he gets to enjoy his quiet time and time with the kids, and I don't have to worry about whether Jeff is comfortable or not.  If it's a group he's unfamiliar with, he's very quiet.  I don't like it if he's unhappy because of me.   

I'm highly emotional, irrational, scattered and a bit flighty.  Jeff's analytical, pragmatic, logical and sometimes irritatingly rational.  He grounds me.  All the time!  He reminds me when I'm being over the top, he brings me to reality.  I think that sometimes, I help open him to new ideas.  

He's opened me up to new experiences.  There are things, like hiking the Chilkoot Trail, that wouldn't have done.  He cheers me on and supports me no matter what.  He puts up with my emotional rollercoaster, my irrationality.  He tells me when I'm not being "normal".

As a father, I can't say enough.  Literally.  It would take me weeks to go on and on about how awesome he is.  He works super hard to make sure that we have the life we need, and gives us extras when they are available.  

He's a great sounding board.  I think sometimes, he just tunes me out and lets me ramble.  Sometimes, I'm cool with that.  Sometimes, I'm like "So...what did I just say?"  LOL  He gets a bit sheepish, then I have to repeat myself.  But it's all good.

We've had our ups, we've had our downs.  Seeing as we've been together since we're 18, overall, we've grown up together.  We've weathered some storms in our relationship, but we always manage to come back to each other.  

If I had to give advice on how we've made it work, I'd say that the biggest thing we've always done is worked on it.  We talk...or rather, I talk, he listens, then we figure it out.  We give each other permission to get upset, get mad, be honest and let each other have the reaction we're going to have.  It's safe.  Then, we can talk it over, explain where we are coming from.  I've learned that I shouldn't be defensive on everything.

Marriage is difficult.  It's work.  It's two people who are very different in many ways, and often have many similarities.  People say marriage is a joke.  It's only  joke because nobody takes it serious anymore.  They get together, know each other for a matter of months, hop into marriage and then realize this person is who they thought they were.  NOW, please, don't take me as saying "Every marriage that started after only months of knowing one another always ends."  That's not even close.  I'm saying that generally speaking, those types of relationships don't work.  HOWEVER, there are ALWAYS exceptions.  Jeff and I were together for six years before we were married.  Sounds a bit extreme, but we were 18 when we started dating, 24 when we married.  

I'm not saying people need to be together for great lengths of time before marrying.  6 years is a bit extreme, I know.  I know couples who were together for 10 years, got married and it fell apart.  

Marriage is work.  It's constant growing and changing.  It's give and take.  It's communication, faithfulness, honesty, trust.  Sometimes you have to compromise.  Sometimes your spouse has to compromise.  You should learn together, grow together, take time together.  Get to really know one another.  Ask the tough questions.  Learn to trust.  Communication is huge.  Understanding where one another are coming from.  Learning to resist being defensive.  Learning to try to not put your partner on the defensive.  

These aren't lessons I went into my relationships knowing.  I went into my relationships with as open eyes as I could have had.  I learned and took the lessons to the next relationship.  And in that next relationship, I learned something else and brought it to another relationship.  

If I ever thought our marriage was in big trouble, I'd do everything in my power to fix it and lay out all the issues before saying "We're done."  I'd take the time to make sure there's nothing I could change, suggest ideas for both of us.  Only when we'd exhausted all the avenues, came to a consensus and could split healthily and amicably, then, and only then, would I let it go.  

I'm where I wanted to always be.  A married woman, mother of three beautiful children, at home with them.  We don't live a very "conventional" modern life.  We live a fairly old style type life.  Our kids have me at home while their dad is out working.  We made that choice together.  We talked about it from the start.  I didn't come into my marriage thinking that he'd be in a normal 9-5 job.  I knew there would be separation, I knew there'd be something different about how we lived, compared to others.  And we make it work.  

I've been asked in the past if the money is worth it.  That's a very loaded question.  On one hand, it is.  We have a comfortable lifestyle, we don't struggle anymore, we always have what we need.  When Jeff is home, he's home for 2 weeks, currently, and he's a very present father.  He doesn't just lay around and do nothing.  He's not made that way.  He definitely relaxes, but there are always things to do.  

On the other hand, he's away for a very long time.  He's not a military father, which I'm thankful for.  Military wives have a harder road that even I do.  Their partners are gone for months at a time, rather than weeks.  And it's far more dangerous where they go.  But he still misses out on things.  He missed Olivia's birth.  Grady and Olivia don't know any better because their dad has been coming and going for the last five years.  Logan is getting older now and definitely needs his dad.  And I admit it, I often miss him.  I like having him here.  I like feeling secure, safe and loved.  We don't even have to talk.  I just like to know he's in the room, the house, the city.  

I look at his family, his parents, his grandparents, and I see us there in the future.  We could make it until 84 and celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary.  Watching our kids grow together, watch our grandchildren and great grandchildren.  Give them an example of what love, respect, honesty and trust is.  Prove to them that marriage is not an archaic institution. Show that that with a little work, a little give and take and a lot of understanding and love, marriage can be a blessing.  Nobody is the head in our home.  He runs the money, I run the house.  We respect each other.  I'm not perfect.  He's not perfect.  I have things I can change, lots of things I have changed.  Same with him.  There will always be hurdles, mountains, valleys, but there will always be each other.  

And that's always the best part.  Knowing I always have someone I can count on, talk to, lean on, trust, laugh with, love, cherish.  And he knows that he always has the same in me.