It's Been A While....

I suppose to say that it's been a while is an understatement.  I was looking at when I blogged last and it was back in August!!!  Of course, in 3 and a half months, lots of things have changed.  

I can start with myself.  

I'm doing well.  Fell off the weight loss wagon directly into a bag of chips.  I swear, they are the worst thing in the world...for me.  I enjoy chips far too much.  My favorite are the no salt Ms. Vickie's potato chips, with jalepeno chip dip.  God.  Just makes me hungry thinking of it.  I am definitely a carb-o-holic.  I wish there were some support group for that.  Then I could go to the meetings and discuss it.  I'd probably never get a long term chip or anything for not eating chips for a period of time.  I'd probably leave the meeting and head right to the store to get more chips.  It's that bad of a habit.

I did stop drinking diet pop.  That was a big thing.  I didn't stop entirely, but I don't have it in the house all the time, I don't have a bottle with me all the time.  I found carbonated water.  A much better alternative.  Sometimes, I drink it plain and depending on the brand, that can work well.  Often though, I add some Crystal Light or some other flavoring, make it a bit tastier.  Either way, it quells the need for the pop.  I think the carbonation helps to make my brain think I'm having a diet pop.  

I'm getting back into the gym.  That helps my mood and focus immensely.  My husband bought me a treadmill for my birthday and while for some women that would be an insult, it was a huge help to me, especially before all my little boys were in school.  If I were having a rough day, I could hop on and walk as light or as hard as I wanted.  The gym is one of my favorite places because it's out of the house, away from the chores and temptation to nap.  I sure do love my sleep.

I have more kids now coming everyday.  I have two extras in the morning who come at 650 or so.  That's made a huge impact on my sleep and my day overall.  I get more done.  The house is cleaner, though it will never be the perfect Pintrest home (which took some work to get over) and until we have a bigger home, it will always seem cluttered and messy.  I'm okay with that now.  We have all the appliances working at the same time (finally!).  We needed to get a new dishwasher and my bargain hunter husband found a terrific one for only $15!!!  The parts to make it fit and work cost more!  There've been a few hiccups with it, but between my father in law and husband, it works great now.  My dryer is fixed too and I get more laundry done in less time!  It's amazing how much easier it becomes to get things done when I'm up earlier and the appliances I depend on work properly.

The ADHD is doing well.  Between good sleeping, better diet (kind of...still working on that) and everything working properly, my anxiety is down and my distraction is down.  I've taken up knitting again and made some lovely things, including two projects that I'm giving away this Christmas.  It's exciting to find something else to do that I'm not terrible at!  Of course, I'm still on medication but I haven't taken it in a few weeks and I'm thinking I'm starting to be able to cope with it on my own, medication free for a while.  I'll give it a shot and see.  So far, with all of the other medications I take, I'm doing well.  So why add another if I don't NEED it right now?

Now, for the kids!  

Logan is doing amazing.  He's thriving in his new classroom and has become a leader in his group.  He's had a bit of difficulty with the kids in the regular grade 5 class, because they tell him he's in the dumb class, but what many of the other kids don't realize, is that he's probably more intelligent than some of them.  I'm not bragging.  He's just a smart kid.  He's more confident, he's not sucking his thumb anymore, which means that his anxiety is down, he's happier in his class and he tells me about it all the time.  These are MASSIVE changes from last year.  He's on a medication which, besides the side effects, have made his life a lot easier.  He's happier, doesn't argue as much (though that's just inherent of my genes apparently...we like a good debate) and does things in a much more rapid time.  When I ask him to do  chore, there's not as much AWWW MOM! type behavior and even at school when he is asked to put something away, he's not getting upset anymore.  It's amazing what a little confidence and self esteem with a child can do.  

We've since found out that his ADHD is only part of his issues.  He also has a disability where he can't take words he's read and put the idea onto paper.  He can listen to the information and relate it to you easily, verbally.  But he can't get it onto paper without difficulty.  He's having difficulty reading but mostly in the comprehension part of things.  He doesn't read as fluently as most people do, and when he reads a sentence, from the capital to the period, if it is split on the page, he doesn't get the concept of the information given.

He's doing well in math and likes it a lot.  He's doing well in all other areas and that's encouraging.  

I've had to make some explanation (though I know I don't have to, I want people to understand without judgement) as to why Logan is on medication.  Some people believe that medication is a cure-all.  That it's a way to make them sit and listen in school, follow the rules.  It isn't.  I can give him the medication and he can find some improvement, but what many adults seem to forget is that these kids grow up and will one day make a decision as to whether or not they want to remain on medication.  In the case that he decides not to remain on medication, through therapy and the special class he's in, he will have strategies to help him maintain his attention and move forward, thus becoming successful in his life in whatever he chooses to do with his life.  

He's a smart kid.  He's a sweet kid.  He's a compassionate, kind, loving kid.  And I want him to stay that way.  I'm so proud of him, it's amazing.  

Olivia is doing amazing.  During her parent teacher interview, basically they told us to just keep doing what we're doing.  She's in the top of her class and I've been told she's "a dream to teach".  Those words went right to my heart and made is soar.  She's a terrific kid.  

There are a few issues with her that we need to work on. 

She gets anxious easily.  There was a stealing incident with Logan back in October, which we nipped in the bud something fiercely.  Olivia knew there was something wrong and that I was going to be very angry and she freaked out.  She had to go upstairs so I could talk to Logan.  It wasn't pretty.  It affects her deeply.

She has also been "over achieving".  She sees me talking to her brother's teachers almost every day, to see how they are doing day to day.  (I'm blessed to have that option) And I've had to grab her teachers so she can see me talking to them and understands that I'm as concerned about her education and how she's doing as I am the boys.  And I am concerned.  I'm her mom and I want her to succeed.  But I don't HAVE to talk to her teachers as much as I talk to the boy's teachers.  But I've explained why I do it and her teachers understand and appreciate it.  

She's a bit twitchy and shows some signs of the ADHD that appears to be in our bloodline.  I'll keep an eye on her, but for the time being, she's doing fabulous and I worry less about her than the boys at this point.  It could change.  Girls manifest ADHD in different ways than boys, so we won't know until something comes up.  

Grady.

Oh Grady Grady Grady.  My little spitfire.  He's an amazing little kid.  So loving, so funny, so energetic.  Such a hellraiser sometimes.  He's in prekindergarten and he's thriving.  He needed this very badly.  I needed this badly.  I needed the break.  As a stay at home mom for ten years now, it was time for me to have some "me" time.  Up until last week, though, I didn't get that time because one of my little charges didn't get into school until then.  

Since he's been in school, his tantrums have lessened, his attitude towards being told no has changed for the most part and he's just more congenial.  He understands that sometimes he needs quiet time and will remove himself to come for some rest.  Sometimes that involves A LOT of screaming and telling the other boys he doesn't want them to follow him, but we've been able to see some big differences. 

In school, he's doing well.  He listens, he participates and he's ready to learn to write.  His teachers think he's awesome.  I've seen him in class, look a little overwhelmed and he takes a second to gather himself up and then he can get back into the flow.  His teachers and I wonder if he won't wind up on the Autism spectrum to some degree.  He shows signs of overstimulation in some sensory areas, but doesn't have issue with social relationships or other things that can come with Autism, so we expect he may turn up on the Aspbergers side.

All of my other kids (yeah...I've started to consider them mine to a degree) are great kids and add to our lives in wonderful ways.  I have five that care for on a regular basis and I love each and every one of them.  They are all so different and handle situations differently, but I find that my ADHD is a benefit when it comes to this.  It keeps me open to different ways to handle situations and different ways to think about each kid and who they are as people.  That's another thing adults forget.  Kids are people too.  

Overall, life is going right at the moment.  We've had a few hits, such as illnesses (God, my body hated me for the first two and a half months of school), a loss in Jeff's family of a good man, but I can't complain.  I have a great life with a marvelous husband and terrific kids.  

I have more time on my hands now, so I'm hoping that I can maintain this blog better now.  With my three, and the other five I care for, it gets a bit hectic and in my quiet moments, I like to enjoy the silence and not think.  I think plenty during the day.  

Okay.  So I think it's time for breakfast.  

Have a wonderful day!!!  I'll probably blog more later on.  I have many ideas I'm needing to get out!  

Life in Fast Foward

Sometimes, life feels like it's moving in high speed.  It doesn't feel like it's been two or three months since I last posted.  

Other days, it feels like life is in slow motion and all I'm waiting for is the day to go by faster.  

I don't know which days I look forward to more.

This summer has been incredible.  I can't believe that in just a week, the kids will be back in school.  Grady even starts next week, but only for a day.  The following week, we're looking at all three kiddos in school, the older two full time and Grady in the afternoons.  I'm so excited for him!  He's going to have a lot of fun, I'm sure.  He even already has two kids in the class he knows!  My highest hopes is that he will have three friends, if his friend Alex joins the pre kindergarten class, provided there is still space for him.  It will be good for both of them.

So, I suppose I could update my readers on my summer.  In a word, it was awesome.  Busy, so so SO busy, but incredible. 

I'm taking care of two other kids daily.  This has been a lot of fun.  Grady has his friend who is his age, and then Olivia has hers.  The family is super and the kids are almost always easy to deal with.  Of course, some days aren't easy, and they are always busy with five kids, but all in all, it's kept me busy and on track for the summer.  Normally by this point, I'm ready to just pull my hair out and run screaming naked down the street.  This summer, it isn't nearly so bad, because with the two extra kiddos, I have to get up in the mornings at a reasonable time and my schedule and routine isn't in the same limbo it usually is in the summer.  There were some adjustments, getting used to new kids in the house on a regular basis, but these two kids are good and fairly easy to cope with.  There are the usual spats between every kid, one kid tattling (I could totally do without tattling...) or two kids leaving another kid out.  There have been tears and few falling outs, but they always come back to being friends the next day.  Even the next hour. Thank Heavens kids are so adaptable.

In the midst of taking care of these two kids, we've managed to get a lot of time out to the parks, grocery shopping, even went to the Fringe for a short time.  The Fringe was ill planned, but a lesson all the same.  It was incredibly hot and humid.  I should have waited for a different day.  

In July, we were able to take off almost two weeks, which we spent in Canmore.  The first week was just chilling in Canmore, hiking, touring, relaxing.  It was great.  The last few days were spent at the 24 Hours of Adrenaline race that Jeff and one of our friends love to do.  We had a great team, really good guys and it was fun.  Except for Jeff's accident that resulted in a concussion.  That wasn't so fun.  But we got past that, our team still did well, qualifying even with that concussion.  Jeff is a freaking machine.  Takes a huge hit, bleeding from the mouth, gets back on his bike and does the entire race.  He was pretty wiped out after that, and we spent some time in the Emergency Department in Canmore's hospital.  The staff there were marvelous, the doctor was amazing and they had him in and out within three hours.  

We came home, then life went back to "normal".  We were able to spend some time out at Spring Lake with my mother in law and the kids.  (Yes, I took all five)  We had a blast.  We all got to swim, take in a little sun, build castles and just chill out for the afternoon.  I went out there a total of four times, to swap kids back and forth, and man, the next week I was blitzed.  It was intense.

Otherwise, we just follow the routine, keep busy and the kids play while I do my cooking and cleaning.  Or I do some time on the internet.  Whatever catches my fancy.  

Logan and I went to the Learning and Development Clinic at the hospital near us, and I was super impressed with the doctors and therapists there.  It will be a good experience for us and give us some help in the ADHD with regards to Logan.  The doctor gave me lots of good resources, some of which I will share on a future post.  

So...that`s the summer as it has been.  I plan to get back to blogging regularly again.  I already have a few ideas, like how interesting it is being a parent with ADHD who is now parenting at least one child with ADHD.  There`s a distinct possibility that I probably have two with ADHD, maybe even three.  But we will cross those bridges when we come to them.

In the meantime, excuse me while I go tend to my daughter.  She bashed her face on her bed and now has a nasty bump on the bridge of her nose.  I think we might see some bruising soon.  Poor kid.  

One thing that never changes?  How accident prone my family is.  At least that's predictable.

So, Now We Know

Today was a good day.

We found out that Logan does in fact have a learning disability.  

I hesitate, however, calling it a "disability".  It's not really a disability at all.  He just learns differently when it comes to certain things.  He is extremely smart, falling into above average in some areas, average in most, and below average in a couple of other areas.  

As Jeff and I have suspected, he experiences difficulty in reading fluency.  Once he reads paragraph or chapter, he can definitely relate the subject and comprehends the topic and words.  When it comes to putting those same ideas onto paper, that's where he lacks significantly.  This applies in math as well.  He can get the concepts, he can get the answers, but putting it onto paper is very difficult.  He has difficulty sounding out large words but after four or five times of reading that word, he will get it.  It just takes him longer.

Verbally, he's above average.  In our house, this shouldn't come as much of a shock.  If you can't talk in my house, you're in trouble.  You need to be able to relate your ideas in an articulate manner, otherwise, you might find yourself left behind in the conversation.  All three of my kids are articulate, intelligent and think for themselves.  Unless I tell them what to think...sometimes I have to push them in the direction I believe in...LOL

He definitely experiences difficulties in attention.  He even told the ladies who worked with him that he has difficulties with it.  A task that should take a few minutes can take half an hour or more to do.  Putting away the dishes...that can be a 45 minute task and we have a small kitchen and a dishwasher.  All he has to do is put them away.  He's cut the drawers, food, some of my other kitchen utensils.  He just gets a thought in his mind and does it.  He requires more breaks and times to wander a bit.  It helps to break away from a task that is causing frustration and move to a different place to think of something else while the brain absorbs the information.  I did this a lot on my own in school.  There were many times I'd ask to go to the bathroom so that I could just wander there and back, calm my brain and get back into the task at hand.  At the time, I didn't realize that was WHY I was doing it, but I knew it helped.  Typical female brain in this case.  Girls tend to cope differently and make up strategies easier than boys.  Boys get far more frustrated and shut down.  It doesn't make boys any better or worse at coping than girls, but they tend to have more difficulty developing strategies on their own.  Logan has a few that work right now, so we will encourage them in the meantime.

Impulsivity.  That's one he struggles a LOT with.  This goes with how he speaks sometimes (swearing), ideas that pop into his head (like I said above when it comes to putting away dishes, cutting things and such) and food.  If there's junk food in the house, especially candy or pop, he will sneak it and then lie when he's caught.  This has been an issue for quite a while.  He has stolen one time from a Walmart, but I think (hope) that we've managed to quash that impulse.

The suggestions the consultants gave me were where I thought we'd go.  I think that having him in the Learning Strategies class next fall will be best.  It will take him from the large classroom situation where there are too many distractions and too many kids, and put him in an environment that he can succeed in.  I will have more contact with the teacher and be able to make a learning plan for him.  Because he will be in a class where a majority of the kids have difficulties, there will probably be many kids who have a similar plan as well.  Logan is concerned that he will be away from his friends, but therein lies one of the bigger issues.  I think being away from those friends will actually help.  He will still see them during recesses and such, but moving him to a different class may really be a benefit to him.  I know he's skeptical of this, and it may take some adjustment, but I think by Christmas next year we will see him in a better place, both in his education and his confidence.

Logan is such a confident kid.  He has a great sense of self and high self esteem and I want him to keep that.  Continuing to struggle and fail will only result in the depression of both of those wonderful attributes that make Logan so Logan.

I'm going to approach with a medication free type start.  What I've been finding in my talk with other adults and educators is that we forget that children with ADHD become adults with ADHD.  While medication certainly has it's place, I believe that strategies and therapy are going to be the best route to success in Logan's future.  If the doctors feel that the benefits will outweigh the side effects of the medication and that becomes our experience, that's fine.  I don't approach health care with an "all or nothing" type of process.  I want to find the balance that works best for both myself and Logan and move forward from there.  I just want people to keep in mind that he will grow up and make the choice to not take the medications and that if or when he does, he will still be able to cope with the difficulties that come up with ADHD.  I'm especially worried about personality changes.  I know how the medications can affect how we feel, and I don't want to see that happen with Logan.  He's a happy kid, rarely ever violent and a joy to be around.  I don't want that to change.  He has so many friends and I worry that being on medication and how it could affect his personality could be detrimental to some of his relationships.  

There are most definitely natural approaches we can take in the meantime.  We can investigate Omgea - 3 supplements that have been shown to help in the functioning of the brain in an ADHD person.  He does sometimes have sleep issues due to his brain racing before sleep.  I know how that goes as well.  Melatonin has been beneficial to him in the past.  We can teach his brain to learn how to focus through tasks like his mountain biking group and his biathalon.  Both require him to focus on the task at hand and given that he is so happy in both activities, he will be more than likely to continue to keep his attention on that task.  So when he's having trouble with math or something, we can tell him to think about biathalon and how he focuses down the sight on the air gun.  There is always other alternatives like meditation, learning to focus in the moment of distraction was a huge benefit to me.  Just taking the time to breathe and let the anxiety go was a massive help.

I've always known, from the day he was born, that I had a special child who was highly intelligent and capable.  It's been heartbreaking to see him struggle so hard with his focus and difficulties in reading and writing.  I am so happy though, that I advocated for him so strongly.  I was told by one intake that they didn't consider him "bad enough" at the point we were at in the fall.  All I could think to myself was "How bad does it need to be?  Jail?  Stealing?"  I don't want that for my son.  Especially a child who has such potential for success and happiness.  

I don't give up on my children.  I won't give up on my children.  I will make sure that he has all he needs in the future.  If this comes up for the other two, or whatever may come, it doesn't matter.  They are what matter.  Making sure that they have what they need, the support they need, the love they need.  I'm not a perfect mom.  I won't always be able to find the answers.  I will get angry, frustrated, I will yell, cry and be mad, but it will never change how I will stand up for them.  

I know that my struggles now have a purpose.  Knowing how he feels...it's amazing.  I told the consultants that it's like listening to them describe me.  I told them how I cope with it, and they both agreed that these are strategies that could benefit Logan and that in some ways, it IS how he's coping already.  He has one of the best resources in the world...me.  It means that I will have to learn to cope with more as well and model that this isn't something that should hold us back, rather, be a hurdle to jump that in the long run will make us stronger.

Now.  Grady's in the pre-kindergarten program at our school.  Let's see where Grady takes us in the future.  I get the feeling I'll be on the same path with him, just a parallel path that we will have to learn to navigate there.  

One thing is for sure.  My life sure isn't boring!

Update on Life

I admit it.  

I've been neglectful of my blog.  I've had lots of ideas, but not as much time recently to get to putting them down.

We've had a birthday.  Logan just turned 10.  It's hard to believe that I have a 10 year old now.  It certainly doesn't feel like he's been in my life for 10 years, it's flown by so fast.  Add to it that to a certain degree I'm still in "little kid mode", and there've been some big epiphanies when it comes to Logan and how quickly he's grown up.

We've had a few set backs.  Nothing we can't handle, nothing traumatic and devastating, but definitely set backs.  We're flowing along fine now, but for a while, things were a bit stressful.  I think that both of us have learned to let go of some worries when it comes to things we can't control and made it easier to see the solutions in the future.  

We just had a wonderful weekend in the mountains.  We got to stay at Jeff's parent's condo there, enjoyed a few days of hiking and I got to indulge in my photography again.  It was wonderful.  With staying at the condo, the costs of travelling go way down because all we needed to do pay for was a bit of food for ourselves we could cook there and gas to get there.  I did learn not to listen to Jeff when it comes to hiking.  A "simple family hike" all but turned out to be almost mountain climbing.  In his defense, the flooding in the Canmore area where we were, altered a lot of the landscape there and that simple family hike became far more difficult. 

I am now taking care of extra kids again.  Always an adventure, but has been a really positive change.  Grady has a friend to play with, Olivia's friend is Grady's friend's big sister, and Logan can go out after school and play with his friends.  So it's a win win when it comes to entertaining the kids.  Grady is exhausted at the end of the day, so getting him to bed has been a breeze.  I'm in a better routine, getting more done around the house and getting the kids to the park.  I've gained some weight back though, because I can't go to the gym as much.  I was going to start riding again, but some cats peed in my bike trailer and then mice got into it.  I sprayed the hell out of it with vinegar and rinsed it out with the hose yesterday, and though it smells like vinegar right now, I'm going to spray it down with Febreeze and hope for the best.  I'd like to be back on the bike tomorrow.  It's going to be a lot of work...I'm going to hurt for a while.  But if I can get the weight down a bit, then I'll be happier. 

I'm back to gardening.  It's a wonderful way for me to relax and wind down.  I get to play in the dirt, planting beautiful flowers.  I have a small garden full of tomatoes, lettuce, peppers and cucumbers.  It's a veritable salad in there!  I have two herb gardens and I've pledged to be more consistent in using my herbs.  I can't wait for them to grow and get lots of lovely fresh herbs for cooking!! 

Jeff's still working like a madman up north, but his rotation changed, so we had to adjust our lives to that again.  That's becoming a yearly event in the spring, his rotation changing.  However, we needed the financial boost, so this isn't a bad thing.  Actually, it's rather nice, because his rotations out are shorter, but it hurts the family time a bit.  As always, we make it work, and it works fine for us.  

Life rolls on.  Everyday is something new, something else we have work with.  Grady presents some challenges, but we're adjusting to him as well.  He will be four next week.  Mind boggling.  Mr. Attitude though...we're definitely working on that one.  

Olivia just sails along as always.  Happy, floppy and crazy, she just skips through, playing and being a girl.  I'm finding that she needs a bit more attention in regards to the fact she's a girl in between two boys.  I have to carve out time for just her and I.  It's a lot of fun and I look forward to watching her grow.  She has such confidence and love of life.  She falls a lot and looks like a walking bruise, but she gets over it and is off and running again.  

Everyone grows daily, learns daily and then teaches me something I didn't know, sometimes about myself and how I have changed and grown myself.  

My Journey - One Year Later

A year already.

Wow.  

It's amazing how things can change.  

Being diagnosed as having ADHD was easily one of the best things that have ever happened to me.  Besides my children and my husband, this diagnosis truly changed my life.

I've been in and out of therapy and counselling for years.  When my mom left my dad when I was six, I was in counselling with the counselor at my elementary school.  When I was in junior high, I was close to the school counselor there as well as being a peer counselor myself.  High school, I didn't see much in the way of therapy or counseling.  In University, I had a psychiatrist tell me he suspected I had ADHD.  Of course, I knew everything.  I was 19.  He was a doctor in the USA, and we all know that all they wanted to do was push pills.  In my 20's I saw more counselors.  It wasn't until I was 30 that things really started to move forward for me.  I found a great counselor (NOT that any of the other past counselors were bad.  I connected with them, I just didn't have the vocabulary to express myself) and she helped guide me in a direction which eventually took me to where I am today.

Last April, after starting the ADHD assessment process for my oldest son, I was referred to a psychiatrist for myself who would change the entire way I viewed myself.  After being diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder three years prior, but not finding the root cause, this  diagnosis was a huge relief.  Being told that I had ADHD wasn't a shocking, devastating piece of information.

It was a freeing piece of information.  

It was an explanation of why I did some of the things I did.  Why I experienced such difficulties in consistency, follow through and mood.  It explained my weight issues.  It explained my anxiety.  It explained my impulse control issues.  Above all, it explained my talking.  My incessant, constant diatribe that I couldn't always control.  It explained all of the things that I struggled with but had no answers for.  I suddenly had a path to follow, a way to seek out the resources that I would need to move forward and make my life, and ultimately, my family's lives, better.  

There have been some struggles.  I've stumbled, a lot.  I've thought I knew what I was doing, only to find myself in a downward spiral, struggling to figure out where I went wrong.  I've been able to help pull myself out of these spirals, which has become far easier than it used to be.  

I've discovered things about myself that I didn't know.  Or maybe I DID know, but was afraid to share or show.  I found out that I like to write...well, no really, I love to write.  I've thought about how I could make it work more for me in the future.  My blog has really helped me to sort out my thoughts and share my journey.  It's been a therapeutic manner of sharing my life and showing that adults with ADHD are misunderstood.  We aren't lazy, scattered, we DO care, we want to do better, we're aware that there is something wrong, but we don't always know why or how to fix it.  Sometimes, we just need a bit of understanding and leeway.  Not TONS, but just a bit.  Enough to take the edge off the anxiety.

I found out that I love to garden.  I love taking care of flowers, plants, veggies.  And I'm good at it too.  It's relaxing for me in the evenings while the kids are sleeping and the world is cooling down.  I go out there, water the plants, pick away any dead leaves and flowers.  I can just sit, breathe, take in the world around me and let my day float away.  

And gardening moves into cooking.  I do love to cook.  I've always known that I love to cook and bake, and I'm good at it.  I enjoy trying new things, stretching my talents and sharing my food with the people in my life.  If you come to my home, I will feed you.  And not because I'm looking for accolades, but simply because I just want to share.  I want you to be comfortable in my home, and food is a nice way to connect with others.

I've learned I'm a great communicator.  I have always been able to communicate, but I was never really able to sort through some of what I wanted to say, or I was scared to say what I felt or thought, worried about being judged or making people angry.  Turns out, I'm really good at communicating my thoughts and ideas to people, even difficult ones, without those repercussions.  Being on our parent council has really shown me that I have a good talent for dealing with people.  And the best part, I enjoy being with people, helping them, guiding them, being a leader.  But not the ultimate leader...I'm not ready for being the head of anything yet.  (HA)

One of the BIGGEST surprises to me has been the fact that I enjoy housework.  I love the actual DOING of housework.  Especially if I'm in a particularly energetic patch or my anxiety levels are high.  It helps me to focus on a task and work through my thoughts at the same time.  On the opposite hand, sometimes my anxiety makes me tired.  Instead of feeling bad about resting and often needing a nap, I rest.  Then I wake up, fresh and ready to continue on.

There have been several positive changes that have helped me think more about how I need to take care of myself.  

I've lost and maintained the lost of 30lbs (give or take a lb or two).  I just saw a dietician last week and she was amazed and impressed that I'd lost the 10% they like to see when it's a goal and maintained it.  Even over Christmas and winter.  It bodes well for how many positive changes I've made for myself.  Most of the changes have become simply habit.  Of course, food is still a major weakness for me.  I still struggle with my junk food addiction, but I don't come down too hard on myself anymore.  I tell myself that it's just for today, tomorrow will be better and time to move on.  My health is better.  My resting heart rate used to be in the mid-90's.  I've had days where my resting heart rate has been in the high 70's and mid 80's.  My blood pressure is great, my cholesterol is better than my doctors and my diabetes numbers were in the pre-diabetic levels.  My 30lb weight loss was noticeable for a while, but not it's not so much, however, the benefits my overall health has reaped from these changes have been drastic and wonderful!

I thought about going back to school this coming fall, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet.  I'm not 100% of my choice of career.  Grady will only be in school half time, and we're going to put him into child care for the rest of it.  I'll find a job and take some time for myself, being around other people and slowly coming back into the real world.  I've been a stay at home mom for 10 years now.  It's time for me.  Perhaps after we've managed to pay off a few other debts, we can look into my going to school.  Or...there are always other options.  The world, quite literally, is totally open to me.  

Overall, this past year has been amazing.  I'm feeling marvelous and happy.  People are noticing big changes and they tell me how well I'm doing.  I don't need as much positive reinforcement as I used to, though sometimes, I fall back on old habits because they are comfortable.  I'm learning to let those go.  

I'm proud of myself.  It's been a year of huge change.  It's been a year of huge, positive change.  I'm more patient, happier, content, consistent (though that still needs work) and more capable of controlling things that oftentimes were out of my control.  I'm more aware of my mind and body, what I eat, when I sleep, who I talk to...all around more mindful of my life.

I definitely have more work to do.  It's only been a year.  Nobody is going to be able to give up all the habits they have cultivated for 35 years in just one year.  When I feel like I haven't done enough, I look back at the last year and give myself a pat on the back and say "Look how far you've come.  You still have a long way to go, but the hardest parts are over."  (I just made myself tear up a bit with that one...I haven't always been good to myself.  It's a big change to be able to say those things to myself.) 

There will be more blogging soon.  I have a couple of other ones simmering and they don't always go with the ADHD.  Some of them involve my kids and how quickly they are growing.  Some of them involve things I've seen and my ideas on them.  Some of them might just be mindless typing.  But either way, I like blogging so much, I will be doing it more.  

If you've followed this blog for the past year and read it, thank you for your support.  Thank you for taking the time to even read some of my rambling blogs.  Thank you for being a friend, even if we've never met.  Anything you want to ask me, ask me.  You can find me on Facebook, Twitter and email.  And I'm extremely open about my life.  There are few things I won't share and ideas I have on why they are the way they are.  If the way I work with things work for you, then feel free to use them!  

Until the next time, stay safe, enjoy spring and be kind to one another.  There's not enough of that in the world!

Living With Someone With Mental Illness

I am sitting here, watching "A Beautiful Mind".  I'm at the part of the movie where they are showing John Nash's life after the hospitals and how his family and friends are coping with his diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia and behaviours that come along with it.  

You can see in the movie how difficult it is for Mr. Nash to cope with everyday life and how difficult it is for his wife to cope with his behaviours and how they affect their lives together.  It shows how uncomfortable his friends are with his diagnosis and are afraid to say anything that can be misconstrued as rude or inconsiderate.  The movie shows how frustrating it is for them to figure out how to manage through this, with caring and compassion, while still loving their friend and husband.

This is a great example of how difficult it can be for people to live with loved ones with mental illness.  It's frustrating, upsetting and hard to understand.  

In our family, I am the one with the mental illness.  I suffer from an anxiety disorder and there are times where it overwhelms me and I wind up in a depression.  I just had a downward spiral this past week, and it made daily life very difficult.  It makes me highly irritable, frustrated and upset.  When I get into a depression, it's difficult to see the bright side of things, though I can manage to still do so.  I'm highly aware that my life isn't as hard to live as some other's lives are.  While that's not where I find the positive, I try not to make my life seem more difficult than others have it.  In reality, I'm quite blessed.

That doesn't mean I should marginalize what I deal with.  I struggle to explain what happens or why, and just about anything can trigger a downward spiral.  Fighting it just makes it worse, but giving into it makes me feel weak.  It truly is a rock and a hard place.  I imagine that for some, it seems like any small thing can trigger an anxiety attack in me, but that's not particularly true.  Most of the time, it's a build up of small things, or even one big thing, then a small thing can trigger it.  The ADHD doesn't help it at all, because I can wind up with racing thoughts and then it's almost impossible to sort through the mess and focus on one thing or another.  That makes things even harder and the frustration builds up to the point of an anxiety attack.

I don't know when these periods will happen.  Most of the time, it's hindsight.  I work hard to keep things calm, maintain a routine and keep things are predictable as possible, but life doesn't work that way.  Sometimes, keeping up that maintenance can be the reason for the spiral.  

Living with me when I'm in these spirals is, I imagine, extremely frustrating and hard.  I get irritable.  Snappy.  I get sarcastic and sometimes mean.  Which is interesting to me, because frankly, I'm not a mean person.  I think the worst part is that it's my family that suffers the most.  I can't imagine that it's easy living with someone who's as unpredictable as I know I can be.  When I tell people how it can be, most people are quite surprised.  It's not something I show in public, ever.  I feel like Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde sometimes.  

I get tired.  I like to sleep a lot when I'm in these spirals.  I don't want to eat, I just want to sleep.  Obviously, with my schedule, the kids, that's not possible.  If I do eat, I struggle to eat things that are good for me.  I just want to lapse into bad habits and eat as much junk food as possible.  It's a comfort, but only a very short lived comfort.  Too much noise can make me just so frustrated.  Doing housework goes beyond the normal "chore", even though housework can be very therapeutic.  (Bet my dad never thought he'd ever see me say something like that!)  Housework helps to distract me from the thoughts going on in my head, but while it can be helpful, I need to get up the energy to even get up to start something.  The house can take a real beating for a few days while I'm down.

Last week, an interesting...well interesting to me at least...thing happened.  After my anxiety attack on Monday, I really went down.  I didn't want to take my medication, which seems a bad idea.  And it was.  I definitely experienced withdrawl; not a very enjoyable experience.  I hit a bad patch and I forget to take my medication.  This doesn't happen often, but they do happen.  They're not fun.  I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I am, and then one day, I realize, "Oh wait...I haven't taken my medication!"  Within 2 - 3 days of getting back to the medications, I'm starting to normalize again and things get better.  It's interesting to me because you'd think that I should be more aware of the need of the medication, and yet, I just don't follow through.  I've proven time and time again to myself that I need the medication and that they definitely help.  

I know this is a common thing with people who take medication on a regular basis, especially for mental illnesses.  In my case, it's entirely accidental.  I don't plan for it.  Some people I've talked to mention taking "medication vacations".  For some, it's just an experiment to see if they can go without the meds or if it's still a need.  For others, it's simply they don't want to take the medications anymore and just stop entirely.  I know that for myself, my medications work and help to "normalize" me.  Not meaning that I am not normal, per se, but that they help to keep the symptoms of my mental illness and learning disability to a point where they are manageable.  Along with therapy, they've been highly helpful for me.

I understand how the medications can affect each person differently.  I had that experience myself last summer when I was put onto Concerta.  At first, it was good.  I felt clear, I was active and losing weight, my focus was good and I was getting things done.  Then after a few months, it started to have a negative affect on me.  It made me highly jittery, cranky, any manner of negative effects.  When they didn't clear up for me after a month or so, I went back to my doctor and requested a change.  

I'm so thankful that I did that.  The new medication has been much easier to deal with.  There were some side effects but overall, it's been a very positive change.  With the Celexa, it's been a good experience all around.  I've been on the Celexa for about five years now.  Even through my pregnancy with Grady, I took the medication.  When I asked my doctor how safe it was, she said that in most cases, they have found that a woman with anxiety is more likely to get morning sickness while without medication rather than on.  The anxiety just gets so bad, the morning sickness worsens as well.  Throughout that entire pregnancy, I had little morning sickness, where with Logan, I was sick throughout the entire time.  I told my husband that after the first three weeks on the Celexa, suddenly the voices in my head stopped.  He asked me if I knew how crazy that sounded and I responded "It's not like they are telling me to burn things.  It's just negative things that I keep thinking to myself."  Through the medication and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, I've been able to reverse many of those negative thoughts.  The medication helps to quiet things down, but the CBT helps me to replace the "tape" that goes through my mind.  

I mentioned earlier that I was blessed.  

I am extraordinarily blessed by friends and family who understand.  Or rather, try to understand.  I doubt that anyone really could understand what goes on in my head, and really, I'd rather they didn't.  It might drive them a bit crazy!  I have enough crazy in my life that I don't need to really add to it.  I'm thankful that they can see past the mental illness and see me for who I really am.  Especially Jeff.  He stepped into this mess.  And he's managed to get through it with grace and understanding.  I know that I frustrate him sometimes and it's hard for him to see it from my perspective.  I can be a whirlwind or I can be totally dead to the world, oftentimes in the same day.  On his last rotation home, I threw him for a couple of loops.  One minute I was in the bed, reading and just chilling, and within two minutes, I'm down the stairs telling him to get dressed warm so we can go out to the park with Grady.  A few days later, I did it again, only this time, I went from nothing to obsessively cleaning the basement. 

I can't imagine how difficult that can be to live with.  There's no predictability.  It's entirely random sometimes.  I am just sitting there, relaxing, reading, watching TV, then BOOM, I get it in my head that I NEED to do something, and it NEEDS to be done NOW.  I try to keep things as simple as possible, but sometimes, it just doesn't go that way.  For Jeff, it is probably very random, but for me, I've already been thinking about it for a while, and it's that moment when it needs to be done.  

I'm very lucky to have friends and family who understand and help me through my difficult times.  I know this isn't always the case for many people who suffer from mental illness.  Most people who have a mental illness need support, but don't know where to turn.  They need people to be willing to listen to them, and not judge them for their "crazy" thoughts.  The biggest issue is that there is such a stigma on mental illness and such a culture of shame that goes along with it.  We're taught that we need to be strong, never give in.  If we get depressed, just snap out of it.  If we're anxious, don't worry.  We look at people who live with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia with disdain and judgement.  We try to avoid those people, feeling uncomfortable with their disorders.  There isn't enough funding for people with severe mental illness, and they begin to self medicate.  Then we judge them even more harshly.  

A person with mental illness needs is support and love.  It's definitely not easy to live with a person who has a mental illness.  It's not easy for them to live with themselves.  It can be made easier with a little compassion and understanding.  It's going to be frustrating, irritating and at times, extremely difficult.  However, in today's modern medicine, there is not only support for a person suffering from mental illness, but also support for the family members who have to live with that individual.  It's so incredibly important to keep the lines of communication open, on both ends.  A person who doesn't suffer from a mental illness needs to express themselves just as much as the person with mental illness.  Understanding is one of the first steps to healing.  Letting a relationship break down due to mental illness is devastating for everyone involved.  Any relationship.  I want my friends and family to ask me questions.  Ask me why I am acting the way I am acting.  Slow me down if they feel like I'm going too fast.  Feel free to mention that you see something.  If you do it in an understanding and compassionate manner, you won't offend me.  I don't always know if I'm doing it.  The worst for me is when I don't realize it until LATER that I've been like that, and while everyone noticed, they didn't say anything.  I don't want to turn anyone off of being my friend.  I have a lot of offer in a friendship, and I know that there are so many people out there who have much to offer me in a friendship.  I understand who I am, and what I can be like.  Don't feel like you're going to offend me if you say "You're going a bit fast for me.  Could you slow down?"  Make a joke about it.  I do.  

In our relationship, my husband and I communicate through humour.  When I had those two times where I just erratically decided we MUST do something, he joked about it, saying "What the hell?  You were JUST laying down a minute ago and now we HAVE to do this?"  He laughs about it.  It is quite funny in the long run.  I don't feel like he's making fun of me.  He's making fun of the disorder.  The disorder ISN'T ME.  It's a part of me.  A sometimes confusing, frustrating part of me, but only a part of me.  My husband calls me "Pilbo Baggins" and "Drugs Bunny" because of the number of pills I take.  It's not all pharmaceuticals.  I also take a few supplements that help me immensely as well.  I will admit though, I don't like it.  I can joke about it, mostly because I don't like it.  If I focus on the negative, then it's just that much harder to do keep taking the medications.  Admittedly, I enjoy the jokes.  Finding the humour in a situation can often be a much better cure than continually focusing on the negative.

So, I understand that we with mental illness aren't easy to live with.  With some compassion and understanding, a relationship can be so much more rewarding.  We are all different, and we all see the world differently.  My ADHD helps me see so much in the world and keeps me thinking and learning.  It makes me fun, frustrating, smart and scattered.  I see the world a bit differently and that's what makes me who I am.  My dad once paid me a huge complement and told me that I see the world differently.  Most people don't look at a piece of fruit and see a photograph in it.  I do.  My anxiety makes me more caring about how people feel.  As a result, I work hard at making people happy.  I know that I can worry incessantly over things I don't need to worry about, and I'm working on it.  But my anxiety can also make me a good mom because I'm more aware of the dangers around the corner.  It gives me perspective as well.  I have to work to be rational, knowing that there isn't a danger behind every tree and rock.  It's a benefit for the kids because then I can give them a bit more freedom, which while it makes me more anxious, it also helps me realize how strong I truly am and the lessons I'm teaching my kids about life.  

I'm extraordinarily aware of the heredity of mental illness, as well as learning disabilities.  I am worried that all of the kids will wind up with something that I pass along to them.  I try not to jump at shadows, seeing things that might not be there, but I have to be careful of that as well.  I need to make sure that I don't overlook an important thing that could be harming the children as well.  It's all about balance.  

I Fell Off The Train

Fell off the train is probably not the right way to describe what happened this week.

More like, steered it towards the junk food world, saw all the wonderful, greasy, sweet, tasty food and jumped head first into a huge pile of junk food.  

And it was magnificent.

Of course, my stomach doesn't agree with my brain.  My brain just reveled in the preservatives, grease and cheese, sending wave upon wave of endorphins surging throughout my body, leaving me with a wonderful sense of contentment.

My stomach on the other hand has rebelled.  It has gotten used to home cooking.  It has gotten used to fresh, home made foods.  It likes the fresh veggies and fruits.  It likes the home made chicken dishes.  

I needed this.  I needed a week of just gross food.  

I'm sure there are health nuts out there who disagree with me.  Those of you out there who want to point out to me all the unhealthy chemicals, fats and other terrible things that fast food and soft drinks contain.  

Don't worry.  I'm aware of it.  I read the articles, listen to the news stories.  I'm pretty smart.

Here's a statement I'm sure that most people don't expect.

I chose to do it.

I did.  I love junk food.  I love pizza, hamburgers, chips, pop, candy, cheesecake.  Oh my God.  Cheesecake.  The ultimate temptation.  Cheesecake smothered in cherry pie filling.  I LOVE cherry cheesecake.  AMAZING.  Not good for me, obviously, but oh my...

The differences?

Well, I'm aware of the fact that I chose to eat this stuff.  In the past, I chose to eat entire cheesecakes or pies in a sitting, instead of just a piece or two.  Or I can have chips, but a bowl of them.  Not an entire full sized family bag during a movie.  

I will admit when it comes to the hamburgers, there my willpower sees me pushing it back forcefully.  I love my double cheeseburgers at Burger King and my (gasp) triple cheeseburgers from Wendy's.  Oh, and Wendy's fries.  I ADORE Wendy's fries.  They are just the best.  I like the far better than McDonalds.

That's right people.  I'm a fast food connoisseur.  It's a weakness.  It's tasty stuff, and probably some of the worst food I can eat, but every so often, I just really want a big greasy burger.

This just wasn't a good week.  I haven't really left the house much, except to do a few things at the school, which was fun, then some errands.  Grady's been very difficult, extremely pushy and tempermental.  Monday's anxiety attack just sort of threw me off.  

And it's okay.  It truly is. 

It's okay because I'm aware of it.  I'm totally fully and completely aware of what happened this week.  And it's okay that my house is a *bit* messy.  It's okay that I haven't done what I wanted to get done around the house (primarily laundry) and it's okay that I just wanted to chill out this week.

It's okay because it was good for my mental state.  It's okay because I know that had I pushed myself, I would have been in worse shape for a lot longer in the long run.  That's an issue that so many of us have.  We get into a funk, then we push and push and push to try to be happy, even if it's just not in the cards for that week, instead of taking time to look back and see what's causing the issues and trying to fix it. 

What I did in the past when that happened was eat.  And eat...and eat.  I didn't fix it.  I just ate.

This week, I will get back onto the train.  Or the wagon...whatever analogy you need to give it to make it easier.  And then I'll steer it back towards where I was going before Monday.

In the meantime, no regrets (except for the stomach stuff) and no guilt.  It's a bump in the road and I'm just human.

However, there is still cheesecake in the fridge.  And you can be damn sure I'm going to eat it.

Hello Anxiety. Haven't Seen You In A While

Today was a strange day.

It's been almost a year since I was diagnosed with having ADHD and there seems to be days where I can manage it wonderfully and others where it's just a huge challenge.  

Unfortunately, today was a big challenge.  

I had an anxiety attack.  I haven't had one in MONTHS.  And of course, they never come at a convenient time, like say, when I'm sitting on the couch and then one hits.  No no...they have to come as I'm driving down 23rd Ave, going to get gas, while my three year old whines and begs to use the potty because he wants to poop.  (I told him if he poops again, he will get this train set he saw at Toys R Us.  Not my brightest idea.)

All of a sudden, my stomach started to ache.  I know I'm hungry, so I take a bit of apple.  Well, that didn't help.  Just made things worse, which made the anxiety worse.  Of course, Grady in the backseat, going on and on about this train set, this doesn't help.  There's nowhere to pull over, so I just keep driving carefully, heading to the gas station.  At least there, I can get out of the car and get some fresh air.  

I got my gas, went into the gas station to get some cash, paid for the gas and some juice and started to feel a little better.  I got into the car, drove home.  It's just better that way.  I called Jeff too.  He has a way of helping me think it out, and talking to him distracts me away from the anxiety.  

He asked why I was having the attack and I told him it's because of a blender.  I want to buy this one particular blender, but it costs 100$ and while we're not hurting for money or anything, I just can't justify 100$ in my head.  And I really want this blender.  I could really USE this blender.  I love my smoothies and shakes, as do the kids and Jeff.  My little Magic Bullet just isn't big enough for what we need and it's starting to act up.  

Is it the blender?  Really?  Well.  No.  It's not.

It's me.  It's always me.  It's me with a million things on my mind, worrying about things that really, I don't need to worry about.  This is nothing that anyone has asked of me, any pressure that anyone has put on me, nothing to do with anyone BUT me.  The  blender was just the trigger.

Let me explain.

I'm on the parent council this year.  I'm LOVING it.  I'm working hard at making sure that I get the things I've committed to done, keeping good notes and helping as much as possible, when possible.  I love the ladies I work with, I adore our volunteers and our school is wonderful.  I have a ton of ideas to make some things, like coordinating volunteers, easier.  I've been talking to parents all weekend about ideas for communicating with them when we need help, when the next meetings are, other information we can pass on to them.  I'm getting really positive reception regarding these things and it makes me excited.  So then it triggers more and more thoughts.  Then I sit down, write a few things down, I even drafted a parent council newsletter we'd been discussing since the start of the year, as well as a volunteer coordinating sheet.  

Sounds good right?  Sounds like I'm on a good path?

I am.  I'm proud of it.  I know it's something that can help us.  Here's the catch.  I'm worried that it won't work.  I'm worried that it won't make sense or that it's too much.  I'm worried that I'll overdo it and seem obsessive.  Which sometimes, I am.  I want to do a good job so badly, and I want to please everyone so much, that sometimes it becomes a problem and I wind up spending hours on things that at that moment, aren't really all that important in that moment.  This has NOTHING to do with the ladies I work with, the school or the volunteers.  This is me.  

This past week, we had a festival that went wonderfully.  I was really happy with it.  However, it seems to have overwhelmed me.  I guess it stressed me out far more than I'd anticipated.  I'd never done anything like that before, or at the very least, never been on the front line of an event like that.  Things went well, and besides a few hiccups, which are TOTALLY normal in big events, it was wonderful.  I met some new people, got the chance to talk to friends and my kids got to play and have fun with their friends.  

That's what got me thinking about the volunteer stuff as well as the newsletter and other items that came to mind.  NOW...a good thing DID happen in all of that.  I really wanted to share this with the other members of our council, but I knew that the other ladies had worked so hard and had been busy with the festival as well as life in general.  I knew perfectly well that while I was brimming with ideas and plans, they most likely wanted to just chill out and spend time with their families.  I'm not so sure that in the past I'd have had the capacity to do the same thing.  So...score one for me!

There are, of course, other things always swirling around in my mind.  Home things, future plans, stuff I need to attend to.  It's not that I don't want to do them.  I literally forget, in the swirl of other things that run through my mind.  Today was not a good day for managing all that was going on.  I was a freaking runaway train of conversation and while I was aware of it, I just couldn't stop it.  I sure tried.  I wasn't the most successful today.  While I'm a good communicator and I'm becoming a MUCH better listener, some days are just much harder than others.  

Ahh...good old impulse control.  Sometimes I wonder what it's like to have good impulse control.  To be able to look at something and KNOW whether or not it's something that's good for your life.  That's the issue with the blender.  

So now, I have an overabundance of impulse control when it comes to the blender, but none when it came to talking today.  Talk about a dichotomy.  The only problem is, the overabundance triggered an anxiety attack and was a bit of a surprise.  I was going to go out to look at the blender again (the people at Canadian Tire must think I'm nuts...I've been in twice to look at the stupid thing...) but after the attack and how Grady was acting, it just wasn't worth it.  I probably wouldn't have gotten it anyway.

I came home, put away the groceries that needed putting away, put Grady in his room with my phone (he can watch YTV on it), a snack and a drink, then went and took a shower.  I was feeling really wretched, sweaty and nasty.  My hair needed attention and that was definitely one of the things that was weighing on my mind.  I even tried to lay down for a bit and rest, but I really wanted, no probably NEEDED, to write this blog out, so a snooze never happened.  I'm sitting in my living room, no TV on, just the hum of the dryer and cars buzzing past.  I have my window open and I can hear the breeze and every once in a while a small gust blows through and it's marvelous.  A bit chilly...but lovely all the same.  

I know that sometimes it's not going to be easy.  I know that I'm going to struggle and there are days where it's going to be just over the top.  The things that were running through my mind weren't things that were bad.  They are just life.  I've come to realize in the past year that anxiety comes in all sorts of forms, not just the bad.  I can become anxious for the good too.  Nothing that happened in the past few days was bad, difficult or harmful.  None was traumatizing.  It was fun, exhilarating, even self esteem boosting.  I was quite literally, in my element, organizing, doing paperwork, talking to people, networking.  I really enjoyed myself.  Today, perhaps I just hadn't dealt with some of the things I was thinking about, like housework, potty training, groceries, tax stuff, and it just became overwhelming.  I'm sure I'm not the only one that can happen to, I'm just hyper aware of it when it happens.  

Even almost a year into this journey and I'm still learning.  I'm still figuring things out, learning how my brain works and how I can make it so that it's not so overwhelmed.  Blogging has been an excellent outlet for me, and really helps me to define what I'm thinking and gives me a chance to really delve into it and see how things are changing.  I always re-read what I've written and there have been times I'm surprised at how cohesive my thoughts are in that moment, even though they don't feel that way.  I know that blogging helps because it gives me a focus.  It helps me sort through what is swirling around in my mind and helps me to analyze it in a more organized way.  One of the worst parts about ADHD is the constant switching of topics that can happen in a flash.  Sometimes I even surprise myself.  I KNOW I can surprise others at how fast I can switch topics.  Blogging helps me to organize those thoughts and keep on one topic or another.  

Well, the peace of my home has been shattered by the little bodies that came home from school.  Olivia and her friend are in the basement watching some TV, Logan and his friend are outside playing.  Grady.  He's obsessed.  With poop.  He's currently trying to down as much "healthy food" as possible in the hopes of repeating yesterday's success and thus going back to Toys R Us for a train set that he's set his heart on.  And my cats are currently going insane, fighting and running around like their asses are on fire.

It's my overwhelming, insane life, and I love it.  Never a dull moment.  Ever.

I admit though.  I'm tired of talking about poop.  

Adventures in Potty Training

So, I'm going to assume that the title alone will be fair warning to those who read this post.  I won't go into ridiculous details, but I find that this is a subject that a lot of moms and dads talk about.  So be warned.  This is about potty training, but there's nothing particularly disgusting in the topic itself.  It's not a "how to" manual, just my experiences in the past ten years of this fascinating and extremely difficult milestone in my kid's lives.

Today we had a massive success.

Grady pooped in the potty!

All by himself.

YES!  YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!

As soon as we have babies, we have to be aware of the contents of our children's diapers.  Color, texture, frequency, we need to be able to answer those questions when we see the doctors and nurses.  We become obsessed with the topic and this doesn't end until our kids are potty trained.  Being that I have a bit of an impulse control issue, sometimes I found myself discussing this topic in the wrong time and wrong situation when I first became a parent.  I had to learn early on that there is a time and a place to discuss pee and poop.  However, over time, it becomes less and less important, until the child turns around 18 months to three years of age.  Then the topic of potty training comes up.

Now, to understand how monumental this is for me, you have to remember that my three year old is a stubborn, hard headed, highly intelligent and insane little man.  It makes for a difficult combination when trying to even do the most simple of tasks.

And potty training is NOT one of those simple tasks.

It's a head splitting, frustrating, disgusting, terrifying and yet highly amusing exercise in parenting.

Potty training requires massive patience, consistency and follow through. ( I, as I have mentioned in the past, experience great difficulty in consistency and follow through.)  You need to be willing to crack down occasionally on the kid in question, making sure he/she understands that there is a reason for this, it's part of life and everyone does this.

Some kids take to potty training like it's just the simplest thing to do.

Some kids, like my wonderful three year old, fight it until all you want to do is plug the kid up and hope that he doesn't explode.

When Logan potty trained, he did it right after we brought his sister home from the hospital.  He just decided one day to do and VOILA it was done.  During the day.  Nighttime was a lot harder to deal with.  Monthly I had to go to Walmart or Superstore to purchase 27 nighttime diapers for 20 bucks a pop.  Sometimes, I could get a really good deal and pick up double that for about two dollars more, but it was always a pain in the ass.  Jeff and I weren't sure why he wasn't figuring out the whole nighttime thing, but one day Jeff decided enough was enough and took away the nighttime diapers.  Within a week, he was accident free.  It was strictly a safety thing and he didn't feel like he was ready.  Well...daddy fixed that.

Olivia was far easier.  Same thing to start though.  We brought a new baby home and that was that.  She wanted to potty train.  Okay...no problem.  While Logan was 7 before he stopped with the nighttime diapers, Olivia was 5.  She said to me one night she didn't want to wear the diaper anymore and that was it.  I warned her of accidents, because Logan had taken so long, but she was confident.  Accident free within a short period of time.

Olivia and Logan liked to do what we called "potty touring".  This meant when we went out, they had to try out each and every bathroom in the building.  Sometimes, more than once.  When a kid is potty training and says "I need to pee!"  There's not a chance in hell that a parent is going to say to their three year old "Oh no honey.  You can hold it!"  Many times, moms and dads will abandon their carts in grocery stores, gripping the hand of the small child in question, rushing to the potty.  If you're lucky enough to hear a mom or dad in the bathroom, you'll hear them in the stall with their child, urging them to pee and the child happily chattering away about how awesome it is to use a public bathroom.  It's always highly amusing to me to hear that.  For some reason, this is a huge deal for some kids.  My older two were those kids.  We called it "potty touring" because there were many times we'd go to a public washroom, only to have the kid sitting on the toilet unable to pee because they'd just peed five minutes before on another toilet in the same building.  It can be so frustrating, but you never say to no a kid when they need to pee...even if you think you know better.  It only takes that ONE TIME where you say "no, you just went" that within five minutes, the kid is now waddling around Walmart with that same parent gripping their child's hand, looking for cheap pants and a pair of underwear to buy and get changed into.

Grady.  Oh...sweet Grady.  He hates the public bathrooms.  He hates the loud toilets, the hand driers, the whole experience.  I've had him hold it from 9 am until 8:30 pm that night because he would have had to use a public bathroom at some point.  But then at home, I've had him in his underwear, near to his dear Thomas the Tank Engine toilet seat, and changed him five times that day due to accidents.  He's always baffled me.

Our biggest challenge?  Oh...the blessed number two.  The Holy Grail of potty training.  Some kids are amazing and pick it up at the same time as peeing in the potty.  Others, like Grady, like to make damn sure that while you think you know what you're doing, you don't even have the slightest clue.  Given Grady's personality and the fact that we weren't having any other babies after him, I knew we were going to be challenged.

For some strange reason, I kept all of Logan's old underwear from when he was Grady's age.  I don't know if this is a normal thing, to pass them on, but they were cleaned and sanitary.  I knew this would benefit us, because as most parents know, for some reason, those small scraps of fabric, with super heroes, ponies and the days of the week on them, are ridiculously expensive.  Whenever a number two happens, I just throw them out.  I don't want to wash that crap.  Literally.  So, in keeping Logan's old stuff, we managed to save ourselves several dollars in tossed out underwear.  This is not a practice I intend on maintaining in the future.  For this age, it's perfectly fine, in my opinion.

Anyway, Grady refused to do the number two in the potty.  It was getting extremely frustrating.  We finally go it through to him that it's "okay" to do it in his diaper.  It's a lot easier to clean up.  We'd speculate as to "why" he wasn't doing it.  Was it a power trip?  Was he afraid to "flush part of himself"?  Ever tried to dissect the psyche of a three year old?  Don't.  You'll just wind up questioning your own sanity.

However, in order to get the point through to him that we don't want him doing it in his pants and underwear, we used the shower.  Not a cold shower.  A warm shower.  He doesn't like showers.  Never has.  I don't like the idea of using it for negative reinforcement, but for some reason, my boys are some of the hardest learners I've ever met.  It has to be harsh to be effective and it drives me nuts and kills me.  I'm not a fan of it.  Thankfully, we only had to do it three times before he got it.  And really, it wasn't the shower that he didn't like.  It was the hair washing that he hated the most.  He hates that whether he's in the bath or in the shower.  He's always hated getting his hair washed.  I picture white blonde dreadlocks and flies in our future.
In case you're wondering, we had positive reinforcement as well.  Each time (for the first week or two) that he peed in the potty, he got what we called a "potty pop".  A lolly pop can go a long way to encourage peeing in the potty, when it comes to Grady.  As he became more successful at the process, we would praise him and only give him a "potty pop" if he asks for one.  Today, when he did his number two, I literally cheered with him.  This was the proudest little three year old that ever existed.  Then we had to call Daddy and tell him that this happened.  I mean, this was a party.  He got not one, but TWO chocolate chip cookies.  Whenever I ask him "What did you do in the potty today?"  He gets this huge grin on his face and says "Pooped!"

I know it's a strange topic to discuss in my blog, but it's a big deal.  Once Logan turns ten next month, I will have changed BABY DIAPERS (so Huggies, Pampers, etc) every single day for ten years.  (Except for when I went to Las Vegas...thanks everyone who had to take over the process then!)  TEN YEARS!  I'm done.  I'm so ready for this milestone to be done.  I don't want to watch the kids go to the bathroom anymore.  I don't want to be sitting on the edge of the tub, encouraging a toddler to do his/her business on the toilet.  I'm done.  Ten years is plenty.

Once we're past this milestone, we're pretty much out of the baby/toddler stuff.  It's bittersweet, because it means no more babies and such, but it's more sweet than bitter.  A person can only look at crap so much before it gets tiresome!