Just Another Mom Day

I have a day from when Olivia was really little that was just the epitomy of a horrible day.  It involved a dark elevator, a hungry baby, a humid day, a puking three year old, my being locked in the back of our SUV by accident while trying to nurse the baby and then the baby pooping in the tub while we were all taking a cool bath together.  I take that day and measure all other "mom days" against that day.  This day doesn't measure up to that bad, but it has potential.
  
I woke up this morning feeling relatively happy.  I was heading back to the gym, the kids sounded happy.  The night before, I'd made their lunches and snacks, tidied the kitchen and had things prepared for this morning.

Then I came downstairs.  

Logan had himself a bit of a party.  He'd found some marshmallows.  A big no-no.  He played with my hot glue gun.  A REALLY big no-no.  (Even if I did leave it out, which I didn't mean to do...just forgot.)  Then, when I asked him what he had done, he lied about it.  

Three strikes my little man.  You're grounded.  

Then he tried to blame me.  "Well, if you hadn't left it out, I wouldn't have played with it!"  So, now it's my fault.  Considering I'd left it out the night before and he never touched it, I guess I just didn't think anything of it.  After he tried that, he decided to tell me that he'd rather be grounded all day, and not have to go to school.  That's obviously not an option, so he was at risk of adding another day.  He got the message, picked up his stuff and walked with his sister to school.

I went to the gym, did a 35 minute walk on the treadmill, but due to my earlier health issue I mentioned a couple posts ago, I am still unable to do a lot of the other stuff.  But hey, that's better than nothing!

Last night, I was craving maple walnut ice cream.  But Target didn't have any, so I picked up some butter pecan.  That's a decent enough substitute.  Then I picked up some Subway and we headed for the park at our school.  Met up with friends, enjoyed my time, albeit not as long as I'd hoped for, due to thunderstorms.  I got to hear some really awesome thunder before we got hit, though.  

While we were at the park, Logan came outside during his lunch break.  I noticed that he had a very large welt above his eye.  The boys both react pretty strongly to the early mosquitoes and this is the second time he's been hit in the eye.  Grady had decided to go around without shoes and opened up a cut on his big toe.  So I had to fix that too.  Man...

Then the rain hit, along with another thunderstorm.  So, time to go.

Reluctantly, we came home.  I started doing a bit of housework, watched a little tv, played a little computer.  The biggest problem is that Grady is needing a nap during the late morning/early afternoon.  So right now, I have a very cranky, very tired little boy.  I don't know what to do though, because we do need to get outside too.  It's an interesting dilemma. 

When Logan came home, I gave Logan an ice pack, a little rest, I had him do his homework.  Then I asked him to help me tidy up.  He had to take the garbage out, take it to the dumpster, and that was really about it.  There was some super fussing about that.  He was wandering around the house, pouting and looking out the window.  I finally had to say that if he didn't get the chore done, then I'd add one more and another day of grounding.  Then it got done.  

I got a bug up my butt and cleaned my bedroom.  That was good.  Then I went to vacuum.  Stupid vacuum.  It's so dumb, barely works.  I finally got it working well enough so that at the very least I could get the surface dirt.  I'd sure hate to see what's not being picked up.  I hate that vacuum right now.  It barely works, but at least it *looks* good.  

Right now, dinner is on the barbecue.  Ribs, baby potatoes and cut carrots and celery to go with it.  Nice and easy, tasty and healthy.  I have a very tired, very tantrumy three year old. Grady stinks from a poopy diaper (he can potty train ANY day now.  Nine straight years of diapers is PLENTY!), Logan is still pouty, and Olivia is easily upset.  After dinner, it will be bathtime (Grady, Olivia and I are covered in bug spray) and then the kids will be in bed.  

I have a huge pile of laundry to fold, and more to come as I do more throughout the evening.

At least I have butter pecan ice cream.

Oh.  And Jeff comes home tonight.  

My Sweet Baby is Three

Me:  "I don't think I'm done having babies yet."

Jeff:  "Fine.  We'll have a third baby."

And the completion of our family began.  

When I became pregnant with Grady (very quickly after that conversation) I thought I knew what I was doing.  I'd already had two babies.  It wasn't so bad.  Actually, I had quite enjoyed pregnancy.  With Logan, is was wonderful, but I was sick.  I could handle it.  It was worth it at the end.  With Olivia, it was so easy.  I was barely ever sick.  I was a gestational diabetic, but I could handle that too.  And again, absolutely worth it at the end.

Then.  Oh then.  I was pregnant with my third baby.  I became diabetic again.  No problem.  I've been there, done that.  I didn't even mind.  The appointments were long but I had lots of people to help me out, and really, it was a nice break.  I was sick again.  There was a lovely pill that helped me with that.  I didn't get as sick, but I was nauseous a lot more than I had been with Olivia, but less than I was with Logan.  I had all the normal pregnancy symptoms, and some that freaked me out.  I couldn't come off of my Celexa because it could make me MORE anxious and cause me to be MORE nauseous.  I'd been there, I didn't like it.  I talked to my docs, everything was fine with the anti-anxiety medication.  I had two more children to care for, I needed to be mentally good with them too.  I was physically much more tired than I had been with the first two.  Even into the second trimester, when pregnant women are supposed to sort of perk up, I just was so tired, all the time.  I talked to my family doc and she said "Well, you DO have two other kids!"  I had all sorts of weird things happen in my third pregnancy.  My blood pressure dropped one day, freaked the hell out of me.  I got a NASTY stomach flu the February before he was born, and spent the morning in the hospital, with IV's in my arm to replenish my fluids.  I had lots of strange pains that I didn't know what they were.  By the time I had Grady, I'd been in the hospital five times.  The sixth, that was the final time, after my sugars started dropping.  That meant the placenta is dying and I needed to be in the hospital, being monitored until they felt safe enough to induce the baby.

His due date was mid June.  I told everyone I knew that I would be surprised if I made it to the long weekend in May.  Right from the start, I knew that he wasn't going to go all the way to the end.  

I was right.  May 27th.  The Thursday after the long weekend, my Grady-bug was born.  8lbs 4oz of pure love.  

Then I found out, I knew nothing.

I learned that children are all originals, right from the start.  I mean, I knew that, but I hadn't had it really hit home until Grady was born.  He was so different from his brother and sister.  He loved being a "baby burrito".  We always had him swaddled, rocking in his chair.  He loved to cuddle, as much as possible.  

As he's become older, he's made my heart melt and made my brain want to explode.  He's so active, busy, fun, smart, that somedays, he's hard to keep up with.  He's a bit moodier, thinks he can do far more than he can, thanks to being the youngest.  He laughs a lot, loves big and plays hard.  He loves his Treehouse TV.  Toopy and Binoo, Thomas the Train, My Big Big Friend, Dora the Explorer are his favorite shows.  He gives "super hugs".  He has "super powers".  He loves his bike, loves playing ball.  He's just a happy happy boy.  If he gets hurt, he's my wimpy boy.  He loves to come up and tell me about his "boo boo" or his "owie" and get cuddles.  If he falls on his bum, he asks me to kiss it...I refuse and it turns into a game.  

He's stubborn, hard headed, loud...oh wow, is he ever loud.  Being the smallest guy in the house, he makes sure he's heard.  He is bossy, and hates not getting his way.  

But he loves his brother and sister.  Actually, he IDOLIZES his big brother.  He's pretty sure that anything Logan can do, he can do too.  And they love him too.  Olivia plays "school" with him, Logan lets Grady watch when he plays video games.  I think they both really love having someone to teach.  Olivia has done his make up and his nails.  Logan's sat down and played Lego with him for as long as Grady's attention span will allow.  It's so wonderful to watch them play and love each other!

Grady is just a great little person.  Even on our bad days, he can make me laugh.  His funny faces...they're the best.  He makes them and he can't finish them because he's laughing too!  

I simply can't wait to see what he will be like in a few years.  

Well.  Yeah.  I can wait.  He's my baby.  

Imagination

I was watching Global's Morning Show after the news.  

One of their headlines dealt with a preschool who decided to ban superhero play.  Their reasoning was that the children's "dangerously overactive" imaginations were causing injuries in the classroom so it would have to be banned.  The preschool also asked parents to "monitor the children's media consumption"

I have so many problems with this.  

First off, "dangerously overactive" imaginations?  Tell me where the limit is?  If we put so many limits on imagination, we wouldn't have spanning novels of depth and character.  We wouldn't have the Internet.  We wouldn't have beautiful buildings that house artwork beyond most individual's imaginations.  We wouldn't have movies that awe and inspire us.  I'm certain that there should never be a limit to imagination.

Secondly, they are asking parents to monitor a child's media consumption.  Nobody, even their teachers, should be telling a parent how much or what a child should watch.  That is up to a parent's discretion.  Some parents use the tv as a babysitter, some parents don't let their kids have any tv.  Others monitor is closely, giving a certain number of hours per day.  Myself, it's on all day long, so the kids pretty much ignore it, unless there's something that catches their attention.  I, as a parent, automatically monitor my children's media "consumption".  

Look, having imagination is such a wonderful thing.  I used to stay up at night, reading or (this is going to sound weird) talking to myself, going over things in my head, pretending I was a princess, maid...whatever caught my fancy.  I played outside, and my friends and I used leaves as money.  We always found a way to make something work, regardless of what it was.  Now, I can sit with my children and start them on a game of something.  Help them set up a farm, a family, play Barbies.  My imagination has not only benefited me as a child, but is helping me as a parent.  

If a child is playing as a superhero, and he/she isn't harming anyone, then it's fine.  If it gets rough, break it up.  Set out the rules.  Don't ban it.  Children don't learn by having something taken away from them.  They learn with rules, structure and routine.  If my oldest is getting too rough, I tell him to settle down.  I agree with the fact that kids can get overactive and hurt each other.  I've seen it happen in my own home.  I deal with it as it comes.  Grady loves to play superhero as well.  He just "flies" around the house, yelling "SUPER POWERS!"  He gives me "superhugs".  Those are awesome.  He stands at the other end of the house, says "READY MOMMY?!"  I say "YEP!" and he runs at me, laughing and yells "SUPERHUG!" and dives into my arms.  He will do this over and over again.  The older two love it as well, and he does the same with them.  

I don't think that stifling a child's imagination is a good idea.  Perhaps setting rules as to what is safe and unsafe play is the most important part.  If there are sticks involved, get rid of the sticks.  If there is pushing, then stop the pushing.  If there is wrestling, then stop the wrestling.  But if they are just running around, chasing each other and nobody's getting hurt, then where is the harm?  Watch them for heaven's sake.  Listen to them.  

But please...don't limit a child's imagination.  There's just so much potential in a child's mind.  

My Opinion...

I've wanted to post today.  But I couldn't figure out WHAT I wanted to post.  I've had one floating around in my mind, but I'm not educated enough on any of the topics to really say much, other than my opinions.  

As Dad says "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one."

I guess what's triggered this train of thought is a discussion I had with a friend recently about vaccinations.  She is anti-vaccination, I am pro-vaccination.  This is perfectly fair in my mind.  I'm happy to have a discussion, some debate, with respect.  That's hard to find now.  Most people have opinions and beliefs based on their own research, life experiences and influences.  Really, unless you've lived their life, it's difficult to say a person is dead wrong.  Unless of course, they ARE dead wrong.  There are obviously things like 4+4 = 2.  It's that simple.  You can't argue that it's 3 or 10.  

I'm sure you get what I'm meaning.  I don't want to discuss algebra and stuff.  Math was never my strongest subject.

Anyway, part of the discussion of pro or cons in the vaccination discussion came up about environmental factors.  The hormones and antibiotics that are used in our meat, the preservatives and colors we eat in our processed food, the air we breathe, that sort of idea.  

She pointed out some statistics regarding ADHD and Autism.  Of course, this is all related to the vaccination discussion and whether or not a study by a man named Dr. Wakefield had a point or not.  I don't think he did.  Digging around has shown that he was doing what many greedy people do.  Looking for an answer in order to make money.  He denies it, of course.  Fair enough, but there have been more studies proving the opposite to his findings.

Okay.  I'm not going to harp on the ideas regarding this.  If you really want to know, ask me, and I'll tell you what I think about this "research" and his "findings".  

Onto my point.  

Environmental factors.  This got me thinking.  There have been far more diagnoses of ADHD and Autism than in the past.  Nobody argues with that.  What I think is part of the problem is environmental.  I think it's also advances in medical science and how these types of diagnoses are made.  Add to it dietary factors, like red food dye and preservatives, and chances are you have a recipe for disaster.  

When I started to think there was something up with Logan, I discussed my concerns with many people.  Some were just everyday parents, like myself, others were nurses.  I started reading more labels and the ingredients.  I found red food dye in food like JAM!  Strawberry, raspberry JAM!  They ARE red.  I don't need my jam REDDER!  Good heavens.  I found a decent priced jam at Walmart, no color, totally natural.  I also found out that jams like marmalades have carrot juice for color.  

I don't worry about stuff we don't eat everyday, like ketchup, though again, adding red food dye to tomatoes seems ridiculous to me.  I changed our Kraft dinner, and we started eating far more fresh food.  We cut out fruit snacks, even the ones that say natural color, because I don't always know what the "natural" color is.  I noticed a difference in Logan.  We avoid heavily sugared cereals, especially the colored AND heavily sugared cereals.  I have bought some of them all since, BUT only as a treat.  No more daily ingestion.  

We definitely eat meat, but even that we've cut down on.  Turns out, Superstore has a new program with farmers who don't use antibiotics in their meat.  I will keep an eye out for more of those.  

The air?  Well...I'm lucky.  While we live in Edmonton, and we have a multitude of oil refineries near us (not too near though...have to drive for about 20 minutes to get there) I find the air here to be clear and lovely.  Maybe not as clear as up north, but we get out of the city fairly frequently, going camping and skiing, so the kids get lots of fresh air.  

When it comes to diagnosing things like Autism and ADHD, I think people need to keep in mind that they don't just JUMP on a kid and immediately start pumping him full of medication.  Instead, they take their time.  We started at our pediatrician, she referred us to a clinic at the nearby hospital, they suggested we had him assessed by the school, the school had a psychologist come in.  We know there are attention issues, but we don't have to go so far as a full diagnosis.  We're not going the medication route for him yet, if ever.  I wanted to try to teach him strategies first before we went any further than that.  

I have heard that the diagnosis for ADHD can take up to two years.  TWO YEARS!  That's a significant period of time.  They want to make sure that they are doing the RIGHT thing, making sure they have the right diagnosis.  I think that's great!  I have a friend dealing with a special needs child, and they won't place the diagnosis of Autism on her daughter until she's older and they can assess her properly.  That's completely fair.  In the meantime, she's getting the support she needs.  Just as our school district is willing to assist me and work with Logan even though we don't have a "formal" diagnosis.  

I think that these diagnoses are coming up more for the environmental reasons, for sure.  But I also think that medical science has taken MASSIVE leaps in the past few decades.  And forget how many leaps they've taken since my dad was born.  He witnessed the polio vaccination being made and how it worked.  That's HUGE!  Let's face it, there are more incidences of cancer.  Perhaps we are seeing these diagnoses more because of medical science and the capability of diagnosing cancers, especially because doctors can diagnose them so much earlier and save more lives.  I would MUCH rather find out I was sick earlier than later.  

Perhaps it's time for people to learn to research.  Learn a bit more critical thinking, and try not to be snowed by all the rhetoric.  We are unfortunately inundated with too much information and it can be SO difficult to wade through it all.  I'm not saying my friend doesn't think critically.  Obviously she does, because she has an opinion that she can stand by and live with.  And that's perfectly fair.  I know far too many people, however, who don't take the time to see both sides of the equation.  I don't just watch the news and then say "Hey, that's the way it is!"  I might go and check out the other side of the story.  

I have said it before.  I will never, ever be disrespectful to a person who doesn't share my opinion.  I don't appreciate it when people do that me, but I know that sometimes people feel very strongly about their stances.  I know I do.  When, on the second day after my ADHD diagnosis, the lady said to me that my ADHD was "a false diagnosis", I understood a few things immediately.  First off, she has strong opinions.  I wouldn't want to argue with her, because she'd probably take offence.  Secondly, she doesn't totally understand ADHD and probably hasn't ever lived with or known anyone who lives with ADHD.  

Most of what we form through opinion is, as I said, through life experience.  Let's face it, none of us have the hours to wade through the thousands of pages of information, rhetoric and opinion.  It is our responsibility, though, to sort through and take what we need from it.  We get too many little news snippets and small articles online.  And too many times, those are taken as gospel.  Someone might tell you you're wrong, and that's fair.  You might be!  I've been wrong many times.  I've had people educate me and inform me of other things.  And that is completely fair.  I can admit when I'm wrong.  

Even in this blog.  I could be wrong.  

But I'm probably not.  Most of this is opinion anyway.  

On a More Positive Note...

I have discovered a new passion.  Gardening.

How cool is it to be 34 and allowed to play in the dirt?  To be able to plant and nurture plants?  It's been fun to pick out and plant my flowers.  I had fun online researching ways to care for them, how sensitive they are and what other flowers I could have in my yard where it's shadier.

I've planted pansies, dahlias, geraniums, marigolds, begonias and a few others that I can't remember the names of.  I have fushias to plant and a daisy type flower to put in a pot, but I can't get one right this moment, so they can wait another day.

While most of these flowers are annuals, my neighbour told me about a friend of hers who "winters" her geraniums in her home.  Seriously?!  I can do that?!  After a little research, I've found out how and when to do it.  I'm hoping I can be successful.  Normally, flowers and I don't get along really well.

I anxiously wake up each morning to see if my flowers are still there, surviving the outdoors.  I've never done this before.  I have always wanted to.  My neighbours always have such gorgeous flowers in their yards every summer.  I've always been a wee bit jealous.  I just never could trust the kids not to pick them.  Now that Grady is almost 3 and Logan's 9 and Olivia's almost 6, they understand better that these are mommy's flowers and she doesn't want anyone to touch them.  And because Grady follows much of what his brother and sister do, I count on them to not touch them to provide the example!  So far, so good.

I love to prune them, take away the dead flowers and leaves, water and fertilize them.  I love the colors and I could just stand outside by one of the pots and just stare at the flowers.  I know that sounds a bit crazy, but I've always loved flowers and taking pictures of them.  One of my flowers actually glitters a bit in the sunshine!!  If I could have fresh cut flowers in my home all the time, I would!

This all stems (pun intended) from a single Chinese evergreen that I purchased at Walmart a couple of years ago for 10 dollars.  It was SO small.  It has grown and grown.  I also had an ivy and another vine that I just sort of took care of when I remembered, and they managed to survive my neglect.  But as I saw the evergreen and my vines flourish under my care, it became a hobby.  My husband calls me the "Mengele of Plants".  I have had some bad luck with some plants.  Lack of light in my home and finicky plants like ferns, have definitely left some plants to suffer under my "care".  If it has flowers on it, damn, that dies right away.  I have improved however, and now I have my original three plants, a spider plant, a lipstick plant, an African violet that I've come close to killing MANY times (killed one already), a rubber tree plant, a schefflera and some sort of palm.  The palm is exploding.  I almost forgot my Christmas cactus and my false arealla.  The false arealla has come very close to death.  Somehow, I've managed to bring back what looks like three sticks, to growing leaves on top of the tallest stalk.  I'm not sure what Olivia gave me for mother's day, but I'm trying to keep it alive.

So now, it stands to reason that I would head outdoors and work on flowers outside.  The biggest downside is that my yard is almost grass-less.  So when you approach my yard, it looks all nice with the pretty flowers and such, then you come in and YUCK!  Dried black dirt.  Patchy grass of some sort.  I'm trying to keep it tidier now.  I think that's because of the plants!

Now...what can I plant by my front door??

Stay tuned for the update!  LOL

ENOUGH Already!!!

I'm not going to harp on this too much, but as everyone knows, I've been dealing with a lot of weird illnesses these past six weeks.  

Yeah.  I said six weeks.  After the cold, shingles and both boys being sick, I'm onto another "issue".  

I won't go into the description, but I'm tired of all of this crap.  

I eat well, take my vitamins and medications, I'm sleeping quite well and I'm overall fine.  Except for these other things that keep bugging me.  

I want to be in the gym, but one of the issues has been difficult to battle back and is causing me discomfort and taking away my ability to go to the gym.  It's very frustrating.  

However, those are just discomforts.  Things I can handle, things I can deal with.  I have the answers, I just need to apply them.  Which I have...but I need to be a bit more...yes, I'm going to say it...consistent.  

The major issue is my brain.  I can't keep myself from "catastrophizing". 

Neat word, eh?  I learned it my first go-around with counselling.  I have no idea if it's a "real" word, but I think it's a pretty awesome way to describe what can happen in my brain sometimes.  

Here is a good explanation of "catastrophizing". 

"Catastrophizing is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is. Catastrophizing can generally can take two forms."

I do this with regards to my health, and even the kid's health, more often than not.  It's not a healthy thing to do.  It gets my anxiety up and running!

I've written about how anxious I can get about things.  One of the big things is illness.  

When we were trying to get pregnant with Olivia, I made the mistake of over thinking it and researching too many things online.  It became more of an obsession than would be considered healthy.  Of course, I know that many moms who are trying to conceive and have difficulty obsess over becoming pregnant.  I learned that firsthand being online and talking to SO many mothers who had struggled.  Some had just started and others had been at it months, and in many cases, years.  They had tried every single treatment, medication, anything that could help.  And then, I researched them.  I found some very strange methods and ideas.  Anything from natural to medical ways, and everything in between!

Sometimes, when I have a health issue, I'll look it up online and research the treatments.  TOO MANY TIMES, it comes up with "It's a basic...yadda yadda yadda."  And then two lines down "Could also be indicative of cancer."  WTF?  Cancer?  I could have cancer?!  

Then, I have to talk myself down.  I have to bring my thoughts under control.  THEN, I research the cancer it COULD be, and figure out if I should see the doctor or not.

I'm not even kidding about this.  This is how my mind often works.  Or, I should say, over works.  

Now, I'm not one of those people who ENJOY poor health.  It is driving me a bit nuts that I am diabetic, have an anxiety disorder and ADHD, have just finished getting over shingles, a cold and now this new issue.  It drives me to distraction.  I admit, there was definitely a time when I liked the attention.  Now, if I tell you about it, I'm doing it because I want to say "Hey, yeah.  I've been there.  This is what worked for me."  It's not that I don't WANT your sympathy.  I don't mind.  It's okay.  But I'm not doing it for attention.  

I just want to get past ALL of this.  I want to be in the gym.  I want to be working out and losing more weight.  It's been going so well.  I'm SO much more aware of my diet, it's amazing.  I'm not talking small changes.  I'm talking huge, all around, amazing changes.  I think "oh man, I don't want to cook dinner."  Then I go through my options.  I settle onto fast food or pizza and then I realize, I don't want it.  Sure, I still eat ice cream, I had spicy chips last night and regretted that, I still like a burger and fries.  Definitely.  But I CRAVE a salad.  Vegetables.  I have an apple for a snack.  I have yogurt.  I make a peanut butter sandwich and eat that with an apple or banana.  

So, dealing with these health issues do nothing more than bring me down.  They cause me discomfort, irritation, even a bit of difficulty sleeping.  They make my stomach hurt, my chest ache and my brain run.  When I'm exercising, taking care of myself, all is well.  

Granted, when my body wants to do whatever it wants to do, there is often little I can do to change it.  There are some preventative measures, especially for these last two issues, but I won't know for a while if they will work or not.  Just like everything, it takes time.  And just like when I started my journey with ADHD, there is no magic cure.  Just, my least favorite word right now, consistency, maintenance and caring for myself.  

For now, I just march on.  Treating each issue as they come, taking care of myself.  Not overdoing it, just doing what feels good in that moment.  

Thankfully, it's been a long weekend, so I've been able to get some extra rest.  It's good to have one's health in one's hands.  I guess it goes back to one of my earlier posts, researching isn't a bad thing.  Knowledge can be power, for certain.  However, in my case, a little knowledge can be a really bad thing.  I seriously refuse though, to live in ignorance.  Running around with blinders on is as bad as knowing too much.  

Another theme I like?  Moderation.  Moderation is key.

Being Thankful

As I was puttering around my house this evening, making dinner, doing laundry and dishes, dealing with small meltdowns from my toddler and 5 year old, I started reflecting on being thankful.  

Sounds like an odd time to be reflecting on thankfulness, as I'm doing so many chores that most people find tedious.  I admit, I find them tedious too.  Being ill the past month, and dealing with all the new feelings and thoughts I've been having, I've let my house go to pot, pretty bad.  

I'm thankful I have a house.  I'm thankful I have a place that I can go to, feel safe, comfortable, inhibited.  I can come home and cry, laugh, play, think.  I'm thankful for having a home that can get messy.  

My home can be messy because it means I have things that help with my comfort.  I have clothing, shoes, just about anything I want or need.  My kids have toys, games, and all the comforts they require as well.  I have too many things at this point, but I know that I can donate these things and they can become comforting for another.  

I have these things because I have a hardworking husband.  My husband feels strongly about caring and providing for his family, even though it takes him away from us frequently. He's supporting, loving, compassionate.  He's an amazing father, and wants nothing but the best for his kids.  He plays with them, cares for them, bathes them.  He gets up with them at night if there's a need.  He helps me around the house, taking care of some of the chores that I fall behind on, he will let me go out whenever I need to get away from the house for a couple hours.  

I have three healthy, happy well adjusted children.  They have strong personalities.  They think for themselves, are curious and ask many questions.  Grady and I were looking at bugs yesterday and it was so fun!  We watched them try to take away craisins that he had dropped on the ground last week.  My kids teach me something just about every single day.  They love me unconditionally, and there is nothing they could do to change how I feel about them.  

Even though I have health issues, I have the resources to take care of myself.  I live in a time of medical advancements that help me manage my diabetes, anxiety and ADHD.  Any of those three could affect my life devastatingly if those resources weren't there.  I have the information at my fingertips to research and learn about whatever could be wrong with me and take my health into my own hands.  I have the resources to help my children with whatever health issue they might wind up with.  I worry nothing about if there is a major health scare, where, who, how, they will be cared for.  I live in a city with countless resources, if only I reach out and ask for the help.

I have the conveniences of life.  I have all of the appliances I could need and some that I don't need but definitely make my life just that much more easier.  I have the electricity and water to clean my dishes and laundry, that will help keep my family healthier.  

But above all, I am thankful for my family and friends.  The people who enrich my family's lives.  The people who run to help me when I'm in need and the ones that I want to help when they are in need.  I have friends who have gone above and beyond what they needed to do.  I have wonderful neighbours who watch my children while they are out playing with other's.  I feel safe in my neighbourhood.  I have everything I need at my fingertips.  

The past month has been tough for me.  I've experienced a big diagnosis, started a new med, made big changes in my own life, questioned myself and my own life.  I've felt bad for myself, felt great about myself.  I've had friends and family who were exceptionally understanding with me and helped me realize my potential.  We've experienced a few illnesses I wasn't expecting and made it through that as well, with an immense amount of support and help from friends.  

So...Today I was able to realize how lovely my life is.  Today's been relaxing.  My kids have been helpful and fun.  We've been out to the store for a treat, been to the park, just played the day by ear.  Tomorrow, we'll probably go get some flowers to plant in our yard, and just take another day by ear.  We have a four day long weekend, so why bother worrying about routines and such.  We'll just take each day as they come, then start our week and go back into routine.  I think this is a good experiment for the summer.  

I hope everyone else is feeling relaxed and happy today.  

Giving up Coffee?!

Oh no.

I think I'm going to have to give up coffee.  

This is bad.  I'm a coffee lover.  

I'll have to resort to decaf.  And while I'm okay with that, it just takes away the variety that I have when shopping for regular coffee.

And why do I have to give up coffee??

The medication.  Concerta is a stimulant as well.  The side effects of Concerta are similar to caffeine.  When I take my dose in the morning and then have coffee, the jitters are pretty bad.  It pretty much makes my hands somewhat more clumsy, my torso feels like it's shivering, even if it isn't, and it makes doing things a bit more difficult.  

Which sounds weird, considering that I drink coffee for the stimulation and the Concerta to help calm me.  

Interesting thing though;  when I was doing my reading about ADHD, medications, diet and exercise, I came across research that said that many ADHD sufferers use stimulants like caffeine because it has a calming effect on them.  With the amount of coffee and diet pop I drank, there's every chance that's why I drank it.  It's also why ADHD sufferers also are more prone to self medication and addiction.  

The biggest problem with this is that it can heighten my anxiety.  Because it makes my heart race a bit, it makes me nervous, which then triggers the anxiety.  The anxiety can literally be debilitating, and causes me to want to sleep more often than not.  Sleep almost resets my body, but it causes me to be awake later at night.

Of course, another reason to eliminate caffeine is the sleep.  BUT!  I have been finding my sleep has been good, easy and restful.  This is a HUGE change from before.  I would find my brain racing, coming up with things that aren't worth worrying about.  I could calm myself, but it took time.  Sometimes an hour or two.  I could use deep breathing, visualization, meditation, anything I could think of, and it would take so much time.  I have found in the past month, my body starts to relax and slow down around 10pm.  Not 8pm.  This is a HUGE deal.  When I wake up, it still takes a few minutes, but I lay there, play a game on my phone for a bit, and come down to get the day started.  I have our morning routine down to the point where we can do it in 20 minutes if we need to be in a hurry, if I slept in.  

As much as I love coffee, and as much as I don't want to give it up, I know there are so many benefits to lowering the caffeine intake.  I can still have a diet Pepsi or Coke Zero during the day.  But water is most important.  I purchased some fresh mint, I have limes and lemons, I like to add that stuff to the water.  No chemicals (though I do love those too!) and it keeps me drinking water!  I don't drink juice for the sugar, except for very occasionally.  That doesn't leave me a lot of options outside of tea!  Which I love too!  

So while I might have to give up coffee, there are many options.  And this doesn't mean I can't EVER have coffee.  I just need to be mindful of where, when and what I'm drinking.  

I guess that this medication has helped me in more ways than I had thought.  Sometimes while I'm not watching!  

But I'm still not happy to give up my coffee!!!!!  (LOL)  *Enter little kid tantrum here!*

Obsess Much?

I don't normally do two posts in one day, but I have been thinking of this post for a couple weeks now, and I wanted to share this.  I'm sure it will give you a bit of a chuckle.  I know Jeff and I laugh at my crazy obsessions a lot!

I'm a nature FREAK!  I love being outdoors, looking at the sky, listening to the birds, being by water, trees are beautiful to me, flowers, even bugs.  Certain bugs.

Most bugs don't bother me.  Mosquitoes and black flies are obviously unwelcome for the fact they leave bites, horseflies, hornets...I don't like being bit.  But I wouldn't care if they were just around if they didn't bite me.  I love lady bugs, some beetles, spiders (super interesting), even ants.  They all are just so neat to watch.  BUT!  Cockroaches.  HOLY SHIT!  (you won't find much swearing in my blog, but for this topic...for expression purposes, there could be a lot.)  I grew up in the Yukon.  We didn't have cockroaches and centipedes.  I go to the museum here in Edmonton, one of my favorite places in the city, and they have a wonderful bug exhibit.  They have a huge spider, beautiful butterfly specimens, ALL BESIDE A FREAKING CAGE FULL OFF MADAGASCAR HISSING COCKROACHES!!!  Have you ever SEEN Madagascar Hissing cockroaches??  They are ENORMOUS!  And they HISS!!!  They EFFING HISS!!!!  EFF ME!  Centipedes?  Yeah, those are the most hideous, creepy....God...I can't find words strong enough.

Yesterday, one of my FB friends posted a photo of a dead centipede in a wasp catcher.  IT'S DEAD!  AWESOME!!!  YES!  Even if it IS in Minnesota, it's dead.  The way that thing should be.  So I tell Jeff about it.  He says "But centipedes are good.  They eat other bugs!"  "Great.  They can eat other bugs.  Awesome, as long as they do it where I can't see them!"  Then...then he says the WORST thing he could have said.  "Centipedes even eat cockroaches."  SON OF A BITCH!  My absolute worst nightmare.  OMG!  It's like...wow.  I can't even describe it!  It's THAT bad.  Just seeing cockroaches on TV make me shudder and want to cry.  They are awful.

And I have NO purpose to be scared of them.  None at all.  Up until I moved to Edmonton, I'd never seen either a cockroach or a centipede in real life.  So...yeah.

Another obsession?  Frigging cops.  Seriously.  Cops.  I have the HIGHEST regard and respect for police officers and their profession.  I think they are incredibly heroic for the choice to protect everyday citizens.  Most are great men and women, risking their lives for you and me.  But when they drive behind me, I'm about 100% positive that I will be pulled over.  My insurance and registration are up to date, I'm not speeding, my kids and I are seat belted in properly, I'm not on my cell phone, I'm not drunk...but they're going to pull me over.  And when...not if...WHEN, the officer pulls me over, I will become an anxious, crying mess.  There was community police event in the parking lot at the mall near us.  I never saw it as I passed it, and I admit, I zipped into the parking lot a bit quicker than I should have.  One police officer was pulling out of the lot and my heart jumped into my throat and my anxiety sparked right there!  BOOM!  I was in for it.  I was sure of it.

Until he turned the other way and went to do his job.  Yeah...I really wasn't going that fast.  But I sure got startled.

Bears freak the hell out of me.  And not like a normal type anxiety.  Like, total over the top, I'm going to die because a bear will eat me, type anxiety.  I will lose sleep over a small noise while we are camping.  The thoughts that race through my head are completely irrational.  The campground can be absolutely packed, but that one little stick snapping was a bear coming to eat ME!  Yep...ME!

I obsess about health matters.  One of the worst things I can do is go online and research symptoms.  Inevitably, something is connected to cancer in one way or another.  If I'm having an anxiety attack, my chest gets tense and sore.  Not anywhere near my heart, but sweet mercy, I'm having a heart attack.  I obsess and worry about the kids health.  I know they are healthy as hell.  But if one of them starts exhibiting what I think are signs of illness, I start to worry about them.  I start to think of all the kids who are sick with cancers and other devastating illnesses and I freak myself out even more.

These are the worst ones for me.  There are few more, but they don't set my anxiety off into irrational proportions quite like these four.  My reactions can be quite funny.  Jeff and I laugh about them all the time.  I remember picturing in my head when I was younger, killing a bear with an axe.  God...looking back on it, it's too funny.  I stayed awake all night long, in my tent, with an old small terrier, a lantern and stared at the axe all night long, thinking of how I was going to kill "the bear".  With the police, how ridiculous.  I'm not doing anything wrong, how ridiculous and yes, even self centered of me, to think that I'm even remotely that important in that moment for an officer to take the time to pull me over for nothing.  Same goes for the kids and their illnesses.  I am well aware of how healthy my children are.  I would never wish a devastatingly sick child on anyone...ever.  No parent should ever live through that.  However, those thoughts are there, as self centered as they can be, and I deal with them, most of the time.  My counselor called it "catastrophising".  That's a fabulous word for it.  One of my favorites.  It describes it PERFECTLY!

Somedays, I just need to chill.  LOL  And often, laughing about my obsessions and my irrational reactions helps to minimize them.  I don't need them to take me over.

What Inspires Me

Growing up in the Yukon, we were often sheltered from the "outside" world, meaning, anything south of us.  I remember having so few channels when we were kids.  When we got more channels, the world opened up and I learned there were so many things in the world that interested and inspired me.  Some of it was positive, some of it was shallow and negative.  

When I was 15, a family friend of ours asked me if I'd like to work for her in a photography department of a local department store.  I knew nothing about photography, but I was 15, being raised by a single dad with limited income, and I wanted to make my own money.  Babysitting was fine, but it was rarely a regular job.  I jumped at the chance, and it opened a world to me that I never knew existed.  

Throughout the rest of my teens and into my 20's photography became a passion.  It became something I could escape into, and best of all, I was pretty good at it.  I spent lunch hours with friends, down by the river or across the street from the store, taking photos of each other, or whatever in that moment caught my attention.  I've taken pictures of my various pets, flowers, family, friends, just about anything that I could see through the lens.  

As I grew up, I considered it as a profession, but while working at a photography store in Edmonton, I realized that as the digital cameras became so popular and made photography so much easier for everyone, I would have to offer something extremely special to the industry that I wasn't sure I had.  Equipment is expensive and I wasn't sure I had the drive to really make it work.  I knew so many photographers who worked other jobs, outside of photography, who wanted to make a profession out of it, but necessity made it difficult for them.  And the professional photographers I knew weren't always doing the type of photography they wanted to do.  It's a difficult industry to break into.  As good as I am, I'm not made for the professional photography world.  I'm not as driven and motivated as most of the photographers I knew were.  I admit, I was a bit jealous.  

But I had the support of friends and family.  One of the biggest complements given to my was from my father when he told me that I just saw the world differently than other people.  I look at a piece of fruit and see art in it.  I look at a landscape and see nothing but beauty.  As much as I liked taking pictures of people, nature is my real passion and inspiration for my photography.  

After I had children, my photography fell by the side.  It still remains a huge passion for me, and I express it most often through the photos I take of my children.  They are such bundles of life, love and beauty.  Their expressions show everything under the moon, because they are uninhibited and free to express their emotions through their faces and actions.  My cats suffer under the glare of my lens as well.  Cats can be so spastic and interesting to watch.  They amaze me with their abilities to hunt, rest and play.  

My main inspirations now?  My family.

My kids make me want to be better.  They inspire me to take care of myself, focus on my own well-being.  I just want to watch them grow.  I want to watch them develop their own lives, personalities, relationships.  I want to watch with pride, as they move forward in their lives, celebrating their accomplishments and being there to pick them up when they fall.  It's because of Logan and my own past experiences in school that I went to the doctor about my ADHD.  I want to be able to help him.  I don't want him to feel the same way I felt in school.  If I can prevent any struggles and be there when he needs to talk, it is so important to me to be there for him.  My daughter, I want to inspire her to be confident, happy and intelligent.  I don't want her to be sucked into thinking that the only thing she has to offer are her looks.  She's a very smart little girl, stubborn and strong willed.  I want her to take those traits, hone them and be a strong woman, able to inspire her own future daughters.  My boys need me to be strong and capable, and they need to be taught how to respect women, love them and be good men.  Of course, Jeff plays an important role in all three children's lives, but seeing my own role in their lives, regardless of their genders, is incredibly important.  I want them to be critical thinking, intelligent, caring, compassionate, confident individuals.  And these are traits I and Jeff need to be examples of in our own daily lives.

My husband.  After 16 years, all I can say is that he has been my inspiration for our entire relationship.  He's nothing but encouraging and supportive.  Because of him and his family, I hiked the Chilkoot Trail, taking beautiful pictures, pushing limits I never knew I could push, leaving me with memories I will never forget.  I followed him into University, and while I wasn't successful, I don't regret going.  It gave me a taste of the outside world besides my little world in the Yukon.  He has always encouraged my photography, buying me equipment, patiently viewing hundreds of photos.  Probably thousands.  

His most recent contribution to my life has been his injuries.  

That sounds a bit strange, doesn't it?  Well...he is a mountain biker.  And he's incredibly passionate about it.  Right now, he's training for a race in July.  Having a husband who loves biking means there will be injuries.  But Jeff, while he injures himself often, is not a big fan of blood.  He gets dizzy and turns white.  He's incredibly tough and has a high threshold for pain, but blood is his, shall we say, kryptonite.  He has no choice in the matter, his body just doesn't take it well.  He was raised by a nurse, and he tells me of the many times his mom scrubbed out wounds taken from his stunts.  

Well, it looks like it's my turn.  Oddly enough, I'm fine with it.  After three kids, many bruises, bumps, scrapes, bumped lips, bumped heads...illnesses, mucous, vomit.  Not much phases me anymore.  

I've always jumped from idea to idea as to what I want to do with my life.  At 34, I still had very little idea of what I wanted to do.  My husband and my mother in law would ask me what I wanted to do after Grady went to school.  Up until this past year, I pooh poohed it, saying he was too young.  

I knew one thing for sure though.  I did not want to go back to retail.  As much fun as it was, as many friends I made, as many good memories I have, I just don't want to go back to retail.

Last summer, it all changed when I picked Jeff from a mountain bike ride from the side of the road, bloody down both arms.  I looked at them, cleaned them up as best I could and wrapped them in a diaper.  We didn't have a first aid kit!  Not even a bandaid!  We drove into Calgary, picked up the needed supplies and I dressed his wounds in the parking lot of Walmart.  When we arrived back in Edmonton, he went to the ER to get stitches.  I have heard a few times from people, "You should be a nurse." but I never thought much of it.  It's a lot of schooling, and I don't have the focus and patience.  It would probably just be a waste of money.  After Jeff was hurt, I was watching TV and there was a commercial for LPN's here in Alberta.  I jumped on that.  I looked up the schooling, it is only 2 years.  I can do quite a bit of it through distance education.  

So...what held me back?  The anxiety.  The fear of starting and not finishing.  Being a disappointment to my husband, my family.  But I want to do it so badly.  When we started investigating Logan's attention difficulties, I realized that I needed to do the same for myself.  After the ADHD diagnosis, things didn't seem to difficult anymore.  I know I'm smart enough, I know I have the compassion to be a good nurse, I know that I can talk with people in any situation.  I also know now that part of the choice comes from the ADHD.  Being a nurse will be exciting.  It will be thrilling, inspiring, exciting.  I know that it's not all of that, and that there is a lot of paperwork and such, but I know that there will be days where I will never sit down, will be helping people.  That excites me beyond belief.  It rather shocks me how excited I am about starting out on a journey that will take me to something that I will be passionate about.  

For now though, before I can start all of this, add it to my life, I need to focus on getting my strategies into place.  Learning organization, teaching myself how to calm down in any situation where my anxiety might arise (oddly enough, I doubt it will be an issue if I become a nurse) and come to a place where I can be confident in myself, my abilities and my life.  

The best part is that I can see it coming.  I can see all of this now, because I know that when I go to school, I can tell the instructors and counselors that I struggle with ADHD and I need support.  I can reach out and take advantage of the resources offered to me.  They are there to help me succeed!  

Sometimes, inspiration comes from the places you least expect!  I never thought my husband's wounds would be where mine came from!    

Making Positive Changes

Yesterday, I went for my first appointment with my counselor.  I've mentioned her before and I've said that I like her a lot.  Yesterday, I was glad I went to see her.  

I've had a few things on my mind since this all started, but I've had difficulty actually putting it into words.  The nice thing about counseling is that it IS about me, and it doesn't sound like I'm being selfish, talking about my life, my changes, my kids, my my my....me me me.  I can put into words, sometimes with difficulty, things that I don't know how to talk about everyone else about.  It gave me insight into the things that have improved and things that I want to change, but don't know where to start.  

So starting with the improvements.  I've talked a lot about how many things have gotten better, so I will be brief.  

My attention is better, my brain seems slower.  I'm far more capable of staying on task, listening.  My level of patience is higher, I definitely don't get emotional over every little thing.  I feel lighter.  Not physically, I guess I would call is spiritually.  There is a feeling of lightness in my chest and stomach that didn't exist before.  Now, yes, the medication has helped me come to these points, but of course, it takes more control on my own part.  I do get to take some credit for these improvements.  It's because of the medication that I can say "Oh, that wasn't that bad."  And often, I realize that a month ago, that would have frustrated and irritated me...whatever THAT is.  

Things I want to change.  

I've talked about consistency.  That was a topic in counseling yesterday.  My counselor asked me a very interesting question:  What word would I use that I could call my lack of consistency?  Not inconsistency, but something else.  Something that would bring out into the open and help me to focus on that.  My answer at that point was frustration.  That's a pretty broad and large area to cover, so she wanted me to check a thesaurus and see if I couldn't find another word.  

I hunted around online, but really, the only antonym for consistency was INconsistency!  Which is fine.  I hunted around a bit more and found one that I think does describe me.  

Erratic.

That seems very fitting.  I CAN be highly erratic.  Not only in what's happening in my mind, but also in life.  I have difficulty maintaining consistency with regards to the kids and their chores or discipline.  Housework, wow.  There is NO consistency in that.  In fact, erratic is a fabulous word for that.  Living with me must be highly frustrating at times.  Just when one things I've made positive changes with housework and getting it done, within about a week, it's back to the old habits.  I am consistent in my relationships with friends and family, that's rarely been difficult for me.  I treat everyone the way I want to be treated.  

Part of the solution means getting the kids more involved in housework and chores.  Finding ways to motivate them to do things that I'm sure they don't want to do.  A little delegation won't hurt.  It doesn't need to be perfect.  Even Grady would wipe a few things down.  I've avoided adding to the chore list because I don't want to fight.  I don't want to be consistent.  As odd as that sounds, if I don't want to fight, it stands to reason, I don't want to be consistent.  

I need to stop rationalizing.  There are viable and reasonable explanations for why I can't get some of the housework done.  Last week proved that.  It means I fall behind and have to work a bit harder.  There are, however, few excuses that are reasonable for why I don't do housework.  Most of the time, I get distracted, find other things to do, or wind up dealing with the kids.  But after the kids are dealt with, I don't always go back to what I was doing originally.  Usually, I get frustrated and just stop.  Why bother?  I'm just going to be interrupted again.  Or I lose track of what I was doing, and wind up going out with the kids, or I find a new chore to do.  Most of the times, my housework remains unfinished, and so things just build on that.  It's a pretty vicious cycle.  And yes, Grady does cause much of the distraction.  He demands much of my attention.  I can't even go to the bathroom alone.  People say "Lock the door."  Sure.  I do that.  He bangs on it yelling for me, whether he really needs me at that point or not.  He's always getting hurt, or needs something to eat, drink, a clean diaper, whatever it may be.  I have to step around or over him many times a day.  He's my little speed bump!  

It's going to take work.  I will continue to go to my counselor, take the group therapy classes my psychiatrist recommended, use whatever strategies I find helpful.  Seeing my counselor yesterday was a really good thing for me.  It gave me the opportunity to look to what's been sitting there.  I got to lay out my expectations in an environment where someone doesn't say "Well, what DID you expect?!"  I understand there's no magic cure.  It would be wonderful if there were!  But it will take work, dedication, a little failure, a little frustration, a lot of understanding, and a lot of patience.  I'm confident with all the support around me, I'll be able to do it.  

Month One - Looking Back

I know that people tell us all the time to not look back.  Not to look back and focus on the things that happened in the past.  They happened, nothing can change that, so move forward.  

Normally, I agree with that completely.  I can look back on my past say "I wish..."  Most of the time, it's not worth it, unless I have to apologize.  Then I can move forward.  

It usually takes time for me to move forward though.  I will dredge something up, obsess about it and wind up feeling bad and guilty.  It's taken me most of my life to not look back.

Except now.  Now I feel like I can look back on the last month with pride and say "I've made these changes, and they are good!"  

A month ago today, I found out I had ADHD.  I admit, I was relieved and anxious all at once. Part of me didn't want to believe it.  Perhaps that 19 year old who knew everything says "Bah!  This one's wrong too!!"  But she's pretty faint.  I've grown up far too much since University to listen that part of me.  

Another part of me says "This is a good thing.  Things will get better now!"  Or, "More medication?  Really?"  One part is upset that there was yet "Another diagnosis!!!  One more thing WRONG with me??  What are people going to think??"  That part, unfortunately, reared its ugly head more than once, leaving me feeling like I want to be sick.  I want sympathy, I want empathy.  But I don't.  I really don't.  I'm sharing all of this not to get any of that, but to instill understanding in adult ADHD, to show others that it does get better, and to help myself move forward.  

So what's changed?  

Well, if you've been reading my blog, you know that I've experienced many changes in the past month.  I'm more patient, I've slowed down, I'll always talk a lot, but I listen more and definitely retain more information.  I'm not feeling as overwhelmed, I'm not as anxious, though I've had a bout of anxiety once since starting the medication.  I'm less irritable and even if something does irritate me, I can either communicate that irritation far more rationally than before, or I can swallow it and say "It's just a small thing.  Don't sweat it!"  I'm more focused on my own health and well being, less impulsive and definitely eating less.  While I understand that the medication does suppress my appetite, I also noticed I'm thinking more about what I eat and how much of it I eat.  

The past week was very tough.  I had shingles, the boys got viruses that came with nasty fevers and in Grady's case, a rash.  Because I had no idea what was going on and it's totally unlike my kids to get fevers like these, I spent one evening and one afternoon in the children's hospital.  Thanks to friends and family, I had many people willing to help me while Jeff was gone.  One friend took the kids while I had my shingles diagnosed, and came to my rescue last week to watch them yet again, while I took Logan to the hospital.  I had one friend and her daughter rush over here Saturday night to watch the kids, refusing to take money when I offered.  One friend took Olivia to and from school when Logan was sick and Jeff was away.  A second friend who didn't even need to be at school, brought Olivia home for me.  My mother in law came on Wednesday night to watch the younger two.  I never realized how much support I had and how many people cared about us that much!  I know that people care and love us, but I rarely ask for that much help.  

In the past, I would have probably collapsed from stress and anxiety.  Jeff would have gotten many tearful calls, upset that I was tired, frustrated, whatever I felt.  That didn't happen this time.  I got teary a couple times, cried once, but I was stressed and tired.  I hadn't slept really well and the boys were sick.  When my kids are sick, I hate it.  It's one thing when there's something wrong with me.  I can handle that, take care of myself.  Sure, shingles hurt and they're itchy, but I took my medication and watched them to make sure there was no infection or anything.  I'm an adult, I can do that for myself.  But to see Grady and Logan, so lethargic, tired, achy, cranky, rashy, feverish.  My boys aren't like that.  They are exuberant, happy, playful little boys, always into mischief, loving life.  I know that some days, I wish they'd settle down, relax a bit, but I never wish they were sick.  Never, ever.  

I haven't said much about my weight loss or diet.  I don't brag much about it, as long as I notice it, and the people around me notice it, I feel fine.  I weigh myself, probably too much, because I really want to lose this weight and feel healthier.  Since starting the medication and being more aware and less impulsive, I've lost around 15lbs now.  This is a give or take kind of deal.  What many people forget to tell you during the weight loss journey is that there is always a fluctuation in weight during the day.  You can weigh one amount in the morning and more or less at the end of the day.  That frustrated me.  But when I started the medication I was 256lbs.  Today, when I woke up this morning, I was 243lbs.  I don't celebrate every little pound I lose because everyday is different.  As long as I keep my calories down and my exercise level up, then the weight goes down.  And yeah...I feel great!  

Today is Monday.  Most of the time, people are not happy about Mondays.  Today I have my first counselling appointment.  I've been looking forward to it.  

So here's to new beginnings, new starts and not looking to the past.  I can look back and say "Look how far I've come!"  Not, "Oh, I shouldn't have done THAT!"  I'm going to screw up.  For sure.  But as long as I'm taking care of myself, taking care of my family is easier.  Change is tough to make, but lasting change is even more difficult.  And those are the changes I strive for!

Colds, Shingles, Viruses, OH MY!

Every single day, whenever I look at my children, I'm always extraordinarily thankful for them and their health.  Even when they are driving me insane, I'm yelling and they're just pushing all my buttons, they are the most precious, amazing little people in the world.  

I want to tell you about my three wonderful little people.  I'm sure I've said something beforehand, but I just want to gush a bit right now.

First, there is Logan.  He is my big, strong, active boy.  He's sweet, compassionate, gentle and loving.  He's active, competitive and intelligent.  He's extremely inquisitive, curious and brave.  He's also stubborn, loud and argumentative.  He questions many things, pushes back hard when he's in a bad mood, but loves big when he's happy.  He struggles a bit with school in the work side of things, but he has many friends and has no problem maintaining lasting, friendly relationships.  He's amazing with children smaller than himself and babies think he's marvelous.  He's just a huge joy.  He was a big baby.  9lbs 15.2oz and 23 inches long.  He was the healthiest, happiest, most amazing baby and toddler.  When he was three, he became a handful for his inquisitiveness took over and he just got into everything.  I have so many funny stories of Logan and his shenanigans.  I've had mothers say "I'd have killed him by now!"  I just shrug and say "After a while, it just doesn't matter anymore."  He's been the ultimate joy in my life and even in the "bad" things, I wouldn't change him for the world.  

Second, is my sweet girl Olivia.  She's is another sweet, caring, compassionate little girl.  Highly social, she adores other children and makes friends quickly.  She's very smart, picks up things very quickly and never ceases to amaze me.  She's my little mother.  She tries her hardest to manage the boys, but rarely succeeds.  She's extremely sensitive.  She takes many things to heart and she can be hurt quickly.  She can be impatient and impulsive, but rarely gets into trouble for doing things that one would consider "wrong".  She learned to speak and communicate at a very young age, so she was rarely frustrated in communicating what she needed or wanted.  She's also very stubborn and bull headed, stands up for herself easily and doesn't take much crap from anyone.  When she was a baby, she too was very easy.  But a little more demanding.  She was the type who when she wanted something, she wanted it the second she asked for it.  That started very young.  She and Logan have always been close and Logan adores his sister, but like most siblings, they can fight like cats and dogs.  I know though that if anyone ever tries to harm one or the other, I wouldn't want to be that kid.  Together they will be rather formidable.  

Third.  Last, but I can tell you CERTAINLY not least, is Grady.  Mr. Bug, Bug-a-loo, and a multitude of other nicknames due to his personality, he is a firecracker.  Big, happy, chatty and smart smart smart, this little monster exhausts me on his own.  He's active, curious, and smart.  He's sweet, cuddly and affectionate.  He's learning to be more gentle with other children, but being the smallest and his brother and sister being as big as they are, he can push them around and not move them.  That isn't always the case with smaller children.  At almost three (!!!!) he is getting more and more understanding of the rules and has shown a real sensitivity for other children and how they are feeling.  He tries very hard to keep up on his short little legs to keep up with his big brother and he idolizes Logan.  Logan, in turn, is extremely patient with him.  They play together very well and are going to be good friends, I hope, when they are older.  I think that Grady is going to be the type of child who will need his energy channeled into something productive.  While I don't think he will have Logan's attention issues, he is going to be a very active, energetic kid and I'm fairly sure he will find trouble wherever he can.  

As you can tell, my kids are my world.  There are only four people this important to me.  My kids and my husband.  They are my world.  So when they are under the weather, I'm not a happy camper.  

As I've said in this past week, we've struggled with many illnesses.  It's been a rough road.  With Jeff working away from home, it fell upon me to manage it as best as I could.  Thankfully, I have a HUGE support network of friends and family, ready and able to do as much as they possibly can.  I'm so incredibly thankful for the wonderful ladies who were able to come to my aid, whether they walked Olivia to and from school, watched the kids while I was at the doctor or hospital, helped me move them around as they needed to.  

When one of my children or my husband are sick, the world stops for a short while.  I watch and hope that we don't get worse.  I do my best to fix the problem, make them feel better.  That can mean extra cuddles, cartoons when they want, a treat, whatever I can do to make them comfortable.  Sometimes, that's at the expense of my  own care, but for a short time, it's okay.  

When Jeff is sick, it's almost worse.  I don't know how sick he is because he usually just gets quiet and retreats into himself.  I've seen Jeff try to work through so many relatively serious illnesses and injuries.  It's really hard to see.  My most recent and probably serious examples was last summer when he fell off his bike.  He bashed his shoulder, got back on his bike and rode for another two hours.  Fair enough.  He thought it was only a muscle injury.  Three weeks later, he found out it was a fractured shoulder!  Most people would be down and out for days, weeks.  Not Jeff.  I've seen him come home from work with migraines so bad, he can barely speak.  And he had to be TOLD to come home.  So he worries me when he gets sick.  He can push it a bit far, and then keep going.  

My kids get sick and they are not the same.  This past virus has literally knocked my kids onto their butts, hard and fast.  Grady never falls asleep on the chair in the middle of the day.  Logan never just lays around and is so quiet.  Olivia rarely complains of illness unless she's really sick.  I've been to the Stollery Children's Hospital twice and I have to say, I'm always faced with how blessed I am, even when they are sick.  While they are sick in that moment, I'm always sure of recovery because they are such strong kids.  

So now we're fighting something viral.  Grady had it last weekend, so not surprisingly, because they share a bedroom, Logan got it too.  It definitely hit Logan harder.  We're three days in and the fever is still quite prevalent.  This morning, after school, Olivia was moody.  Nothing different there, but after she came back upstairs from watching cartoons in the basement, I noticed she was getting red cheeks, she was wearing a blanket...crap.  She's got it now too.  

Prior to my ADHD diagnosis and subsequent treatment, I would be just a quivering mess.  I have had a few moments in the past couple days of anxiety.  I've managed it very well.  Considering the amount of things that have happened in a very short period of time, I'm doing well.  I am still anxious, that will never change, but the way I'm handling it is far better than before.  I'm very proud of myself.  

I'm exhausted.  Long nights, lots of worry, times in the hospital and my own health concerns with shingles and a cold, and this last two weeks has been rough.  I've survived it, my kids have survived it, but my house...well, that's another thing for another day.  For now, focusing on my children, taking care of them and helping them recover, that's my priority.  Jeff is home tonight, we can work on it over the weekend.  

Now, it's time to go cuddle my girl.  She needs her mommy.