Three weeks. Already. It's May, the weather has finally become beautiful and warm.
Unfortunately, the past weekend, we were housebound, and that wasn't much fun.
Viruses, shingles, colds, unhappy little boy with a fever.
It became very overwhelming quickly. I finally broke down last night. Nothing major, no huge sobbing fit, no major chest pains, no crushing depression. Just a good cry, which I probably needed, on my own, thinking about my week.
When I have these "breakdowns", they can be debilitating sometimes. It can take me a couple days to feel normal again. That isn't the case today. I'm tired, because I had trouble sleeping and stayed up to watch a movie last night. Grady had fallen asleep around 5:00 on my chest from exhaustion and healing and I had thought because I gave him Benedryl for his rash (which he'd been scratching at off and on all day) and ibuprofen for his sore throat (I had to crush the pills into the Benedryl) that he'd sleep all night. I was wrong. While the older two were bathing, he heard them and woke up. I bathed him, dressed him and put him back down, but he stayed up and played in his room all night long.
I went upstairs around 145am, to find my little man asleep on the floor, beside his bed. I picked him up, put him in his bed and checked his temperature. He felt warm, but not as hot as he was the night before. A huge relief.
I went to bed myself and just felt drained. Numb, a bit hollow. That's normal after a breakdown for me.
After three weeks of a new diagnosis, colds, birthday parties, Jeff going back to work, shingles, Grady's virus and a trip to the Stollery, it fell on me with a thud.
My house is a mess. I had plans. High hopes for big changes while Jeff is away. I had planned to organize my kitchen cabinets, get rid of all the old sippy cups, tidy my desk area and get it finished, do laundry, clean up in general. I was feeling so clear headed and content, that even with a cold, I knew it would end and I could get onto it.
None of that happened. Instead, my cabinets are still stuffed, full of stuff I probably don't need. The sippy cups are falling out of the cupboard and under my sink looks like World War 3 exploded under there. I did manage to keep up on light chores for the most part, dishes, floors, general tidying, but laundry is a mountain again, my sorting and tossing came to a standstill. The kids and I did a bunch of main floor cleaning on Saturday, with minimal fighting, the garbage got taken to the dumpster.
I felt like maybe I was hyping up how good I was feeling, to the point where perhaps I had boosted everyone else's expectations. I started doing something I have a bad habit of doing. Thinking I knew what other people were thinking. I figured that they must be thinking I'm going back to my old habits (which to a degree, I did, but I was sick!) which I'm trying SO hard not to do.
I'm glad that I made that appointment to see my counselor soon. She was really good at helping me put things into perspective. I need to be a bit easier on myself. Sure, my house is a mess, but we've been sick. I admit as well, the weather was so lovely a couple days last week, that rather than being in the house doing laundry, when I was feeling well, I really needed to be outside, soaking up some sunshine. I'm glad I did that. I had planned to hang around the house and do some chores anyway, it just was more difficult with a sick baby.
I'm blessed to have very healthy, happy kids. Grady got a virus. That's it. But the rash scared me. At the hospital, they weren't able to give me a 100% true diagnosis, like I've had in the past, so not knowing exactly what was wrong made me nervous. I've always been able to fix what's wrong and not having the answers freaked me out. I have dealt with that with Olivia as well, her allergies and such, but after her last bout of bronchitis in February, she's been totally healthy since. So I've relaxed a lot about her health issues. This fever and rash came on so fast with Grady. I just didn't know how to react. I'd been told I had shingles the day before and my doctor wasn't sure about the prognosis and how fast they would come or what pain I'd be in. Thankfully, those are doing great. I got in to see her fast enough that we caught it super early and I suffered minimally.
Even though my shingles are just about healed, I'm still going to stay away from the school until Wednesday. I'm waiting to see if we get a phone call about Grady today and I know that I will have to pick up some more anti virals from my pharmacy because they didn't have enough to give me on Friday. Today is going to be hot. So right now, my windows are open, bringing in the cool air, and I'll shut them a bit later on, close the blinds and try to keep the cool inside. Grady and I might go for a walk with Olivia to 7 Eleven for a slurpee, just stay close to home. Home is my safe place.
I guess I need to be a little less hard on myself sometimes. I'm not perfect. I know that. I also know that the meds alone aren't going to fix everything immediately. I know that work, positive thinking and asking for help occasionally are the keys to my success. I'm still feeling really good about everything, just had a big bunch of things happen all at once and I had to stop, breathe and have a cry. It's all good. It's not going to take me two days to come back to normal. I'm tired, but I was up late, up early. My little boy will fight this virus, he will become healthy and annoy me again soon. My middle girl is making friends in the neighbourhood, confident and well behaved. My big guy is active, happy and has lots of friends. He's doing better in school and I'm proud of his improvements. Jeff will be home Thursday, we will celebrate Grady's 3rd birthday (really early) as a family and enjoy our time together before he goes back to work the following week.
I hear knocking upstairs. Grady is awake, happy and playing. Time for a bagel, a bit more coffee and enjoying the cool air. Happy Monday!
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