One of my biggest issues being a parent has often been picking my battles. I'd get frustrated over the silliest, smallest things ever. In Logan's case, some of it is simply because he's the first, and I don't always know how to react. Poor kid. He's the experimental kid I guess!
Before my ADHD diagnosis, I'd get angry and frustrated over the dumbest things. I'd tell the kids "Get dressed for bed!" They'd tell me they wanted to wear what they were already wearing. Even if it wasn't dirty, I'd get mad and tell them to just go do it. Whenever I had babysitters, I would come home and see Logan in his same shorts and T-shirt he was wearing when I left, and I'd become exasperated. So then I might end up in a fight over it the next night. "Well the babysitter let me wear this to bed last night!" "Yeah! I'm not the babysitter!" Stupid. Who cares? If it's not filthy, and they're comfortable, it's fine.
We'd buy bubble solutions and the kids would want to blow bubbles. I'd put restrictions on it, it would make a mess, whatever. Then they'd get upset, it would be frustrating, and it would turn into world war 3 for no apparent reason.
There are a million other examples, each of them just as silly as the next.
This winter, I was learning how to pick my battles. I wasn't perfect, and I would still find myself being frustrated by the ridiculous things I knew were silly to fight over.
However, after my diagnosis, I simply could not believe how much better I was.
My best example comes from yesterday. I have a skin thing going on, Grady was sick, but I managed to get the house tidied up with minimal yelling and threatening. The deal was if they helped me they could go blow bubbles out back in the evening. We managed to get the house tidied, the floor swept and washed, then I realized that Grady was sick. I had to go get Logan, bring him home, the babysitter came. But Olivia was unhappy because she wasn't going to get to blow bubbles. I told her that the babysitter can let her do that. It was fine with me.
Last night, I saw the bubble solution on the steps. I forgot about them after I brought in the groceries. This morning, Olivia went outside to play and came back in the yard and took the bubbles. After I realized it, I was like "Oh well. They can have fun!" Normally, I would have gone to look for her, take them back and put them away. God knows why. It's just soap, and she's old enough to play with them.
I find myself far more patient, yelling less and more capable to work a solution through my mind without overreacting. Grady's stuck stickers to the floor. The other two did it too, and the house didn't burn down, so it wasn't a big deal. Helping Logan with his homework is far less stressful. I can help him calm down and focus, and see where his issue is. He's just like me. If he doesn't see the solution right away, he shuts down. So it's my job to help him through that. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet at night. I haven't had a fan in my room for a few weeks because our last one broke, but I don't seem to need the white noise quite as badly as I did before my diagnosis.
This is really all quite amazing. I choose to share this because I hope that someone out there, maybe another mom who can't figure out why everything is so overwhelming, can take a look and say "Hm. Maybe something is wrong and I need to see someone." It might not be ADHD, it might not be anxiety. It might be something else, but knowing that it's not all your fault, there's help out there and many resources they can take advantage of. It's important to look at yourself sometimes and say "What can I change?"
Medication has its place, but therapy, finding a psychologist, psychiatrist or counselor can really help. It's a safe place to let your feelings out, without feeling judged or anyone finding out what you might have said. If you meet a therapist and you don't feel comfortable with them, then move on to the next. They're not all bad. I've been incredibly blessed to have doctors and counselors who were supportive, honest and helpful. I'll be going back to my former counselor for a bit of a tune up. A place to express how I'm feeling. I'm not feeling bad, but it would be nice to have an opinion from my comfort circle.
In the meantime, I'm going to keep moving forward. I'm going to keep trying to be positive, think more about what I say, how I say it, when I say it. Listen more, understand better. I'm going to revel in my new confidence, feeling so good about myself, I can't believe it. I've never felt better. I really can't think of a time when I have ended the day, relaxed, happy and content, so many days in a row. Not feeling like all I've said all day is no and counted a million times to get them to do what I think they should be doing. They're people. They're originals, they're capable of their own thoughts and wants. It's my job to teach them compromise and how can I teach them that when I fight them on every single tiny thing that comes along? The answer is pretty simple: I can't teach them compromise that way. I can't teach them patience if I'm not patient. I can't teach them confidence if I'm not confident. My example is going to be more far reaching than anything that I say, especially if I don't back up what I'm saying with the example.
I think this is a difficult thing for most parents. Our expectations of our children are often different from the expectations we have for ourselves. Sometimes, our expectations can be too high for our children, or too low. Each kid is different, and I have to approach each situation clear headed and honest. So, I will continue to pick my battles. Bubble solution, whatever...it washes off. But if I see something I disagree with, like my kid picking on another kid, then I will fight that battle. There's a time and place for everything!
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