Making Positive Changes

Yesterday, I went for my first appointment with my counselor.  I've mentioned her before and I've said that I like her a lot.  Yesterday, I was glad I went to see her.  

I've had a few things on my mind since this all started, but I've had difficulty actually putting it into words.  The nice thing about counseling is that it IS about me, and it doesn't sound like I'm being selfish, talking about my life, my changes, my kids, my my my....me me me.  I can put into words, sometimes with difficulty, things that I don't know how to talk about everyone else about.  It gave me insight into the things that have improved and things that I want to change, but don't know where to start.  

So starting with the improvements.  I've talked a lot about how many things have gotten better, so I will be brief.  

My attention is better, my brain seems slower.  I'm far more capable of staying on task, listening.  My level of patience is higher, I definitely don't get emotional over every little thing.  I feel lighter.  Not physically, I guess I would call is spiritually.  There is a feeling of lightness in my chest and stomach that didn't exist before.  Now, yes, the medication has helped me come to these points, but of course, it takes more control on my own part.  I do get to take some credit for these improvements.  It's because of the medication that I can say "Oh, that wasn't that bad."  And often, I realize that a month ago, that would have frustrated and irritated me...whatever THAT is.  

Things I want to change.  

I've talked about consistency.  That was a topic in counseling yesterday.  My counselor asked me a very interesting question:  What word would I use that I could call my lack of consistency?  Not inconsistency, but something else.  Something that would bring out into the open and help me to focus on that.  My answer at that point was frustration.  That's a pretty broad and large area to cover, so she wanted me to check a thesaurus and see if I couldn't find another word.  

I hunted around online, but really, the only antonym for consistency was INconsistency!  Which is fine.  I hunted around a bit more and found one that I think does describe me.  

Erratic.

That seems very fitting.  I CAN be highly erratic.  Not only in what's happening in my mind, but also in life.  I have difficulty maintaining consistency with regards to the kids and their chores or discipline.  Housework, wow.  There is NO consistency in that.  In fact, erratic is a fabulous word for that.  Living with me must be highly frustrating at times.  Just when one things I've made positive changes with housework and getting it done, within about a week, it's back to the old habits.  I am consistent in my relationships with friends and family, that's rarely been difficult for me.  I treat everyone the way I want to be treated.  

Part of the solution means getting the kids more involved in housework and chores.  Finding ways to motivate them to do things that I'm sure they don't want to do.  A little delegation won't hurt.  It doesn't need to be perfect.  Even Grady would wipe a few things down.  I've avoided adding to the chore list because I don't want to fight.  I don't want to be consistent.  As odd as that sounds, if I don't want to fight, it stands to reason, I don't want to be consistent.  

I need to stop rationalizing.  There are viable and reasonable explanations for why I can't get some of the housework done.  Last week proved that.  It means I fall behind and have to work a bit harder.  There are, however, few excuses that are reasonable for why I don't do housework.  Most of the time, I get distracted, find other things to do, or wind up dealing with the kids.  But after the kids are dealt with, I don't always go back to what I was doing originally.  Usually, I get frustrated and just stop.  Why bother?  I'm just going to be interrupted again.  Or I lose track of what I was doing, and wind up going out with the kids, or I find a new chore to do.  Most of the times, my housework remains unfinished, and so things just build on that.  It's a pretty vicious cycle.  And yes, Grady does cause much of the distraction.  He demands much of my attention.  I can't even go to the bathroom alone.  People say "Lock the door."  Sure.  I do that.  He bangs on it yelling for me, whether he really needs me at that point or not.  He's always getting hurt, or needs something to eat, drink, a clean diaper, whatever it may be.  I have to step around or over him many times a day.  He's my little speed bump!  

It's going to take work.  I will continue to go to my counselor, take the group therapy classes my psychiatrist recommended, use whatever strategies I find helpful.  Seeing my counselor yesterday was a really good thing for me.  It gave me the opportunity to look to what's been sitting there.  I got to lay out my expectations in an environment where someone doesn't say "Well, what DID you expect?!"  I understand there's no magic cure.  It would be wonderful if there were!  But it will take work, dedication, a little failure, a little frustration, a lot of understanding, and a lot of patience.  I'm confident with all the support around me, I'll be able to do it.