I know that people tell us all the time to not look back. Not to look back and focus on the things that happened in the past. They happened, nothing can change that, so move forward.
Normally, I agree with that completely. I can look back on my past say "I wish..." Most of the time, it's not worth it, unless I have to apologize. Then I can move forward.
It usually takes time for me to move forward though. I will dredge something up, obsess about it and wind up feeling bad and guilty. It's taken me most of my life to not look back.
Except now. Now I feel like I can look back on the last month with pride and say "I've made these changes, and they are good!"
A month ago today, I found out I had ADHD. I admit, I was relieved and anxious all at once. Part of me didn't want to believe it. Perhaps that 19 year old who knew everything says "Bah! This one's wrong too!!" But she's pretty faint. I've grown up far too much since University to listen that part of me.
Another part of me says "This is a good thing. Things will get better now!" Or, "More medication? Really?" One part is upset that there was yet "Another diagnosis!!! One more thing WRONG with me?? What are people going to think??" That part, unfortunately, reared its ugly head more than once, leaving me feeling like I want to be sick. I want sympathy, I want empathy. But I don't. I really don't. I'm sharing all of this not to get any of that, but to instill understanding in adult ADHD, to show others that it does get better, and to help myself move forward.
So what's changed?
Well, if you've been reading my blog, you know that I've experienced many changes in the past month. I'm more patient, I've slowed down, I'll always talk a lot, but I listen more and definitely retain more information. I'm not feeling as overwhelmed, I'm not as anxious, though I've had a bout of anxiety once since starting the medication. I'm less irritable and even if something does irritate me, I can either communicate that irritation far more rationally than before, or I can swallow it and say "It's just a small thing. Don't sweat it!" I'm more focused on my own health and well being, less impulsive and definitely eating less. While I understand that the medication does suppress my appetite, I also noticed I'm thinking more about what I eat and how much of it I eat.
The past week was very tough. I had shingles, the boys got viruses that came with nasty fevers and in Grady's case, a rash. Because I had no idea what was going on and it's totally unlike my kids to get fevers like these, I spent one evening and one afternoon in the children's hospital. Thanks to friends and family, I had many people willing to help me while Jeff was gone. One friend took the kids while I had my shingles diagnosed, and came to my rescue last week to watch them yet again, while I took Logan to the hospital. I had one friend and her daughter rush over here Saturday night to watch the kids, refusing to take money when I offered. One friend took Olivia to and from school when Logan was sick and Jeff was away. A second friend who didn't even need to be at school, brought Olivia home for me. My mother in law came on Wednesday night to watch the younger two. I never realized how much support I had and how many people cared about us that much! I know that people care and love us, but I rarely ask for that much help.
In the past, I would have probably collapsed from stress and anxiety. Jeff would have gotten many tearful calls, upset that I was tired, frustrated, whatever I felt. That didn't happen this time. I got teary a couple times, cried once, but I was stressed and tired. I hadn't slept really well and the boys were sick. When my kids are sick, I hate it. It's one thing when there's something wrong with me. I can handle that, take care of myself. Sure, shingles hurt and they're itchy, but I took my medication and watched them to make sure there was no infection or anything. I'm an adult, I can do that for myself. But to see Grady and Logan, so lethargic, tired, achy, cranky, rashy, feverish. My boys aren't like that. They are exuberant, happy, playful little boys, always into mischief, loving life. I know that some days, I wish they'd settle down, relax a bit, but I never wish they were sick. Never, ever.
I haven't said much about my weight loss or diet. I don't brag much about it, as long as I notice it, and the people around me notice it, I feel fine. I weigh myself, probably too much, because I really want to lose this weight and feel healthier. Since starting the medication and being more aware and less impulsive, I've lost around 15lbs now. This is a give or take kind of deal. What many people forget to tell you during the weight loss journey is that there is always a fluctuation in weight during the day. You can weigh one amount in the morning and more or less at the end of the day. That frustrated me. But when I started the medication I was 256lbs. Today, when I woke up this morning, I was 243lbs. I don't celebrate every little pound I lose because everyday is different. As long as I keep my calories down and my exercise level up, then the weight goes down. And yeah...I feel great!
Today is Monday. Most of the time, people are not happy about Mondays. Today I have my first counselling appointment. I've been looking forward to it.
So here's to new beginnings, new starts and not looking to the past. I can look back and say "Look how far I've come!" Not, "Oh, I shouldn't have done THAT!" I'm going to screw up. For sure. But as long as I'm taking care of myself, taking care of my family is easier. Change is tough to make, but lasting change is even more difficult. And those are the changes I strive for!
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