I've been putting off making this post for a few days now. I've been thinking about some stuff, even while dealing with shingles, viruses and sick kids. It's crossed my mind before I had ADHD, because it was a big deal in my life.
It has to do with alcohol and addiction.
It has had a profound effect on my life. I grew up without a mom because of it. I know there is a past family history throughout both sides of my family.
I have very strong feelings and opinions regarding alcoholism and addiction. My opinions probably don't sit well with everyone, especially those who have struggled with addiction in any form. I don't hide behind them though. I'm honest about it, even with people who I speak to and have had struggles with addiction. I always tell them that they might not agree, but this is how I feel and of course, they are okay in disagreeing with me.
So it's the same here. My opinion would be considered controversial. I've seen it written in Macleans and I have developed much of my opinion from my father and my own ideas about it.
So I'm going to start with a strong statement.
I do not agree that addiction is a disease. Now, let me qualify this with why.
I believe, that at a point before one becomes addicted to a substance (and this includes alcohol as well) one has a choice. They have a choice to start, or not to start. And it is that choice that determines the course of events that will follow from that choice.
If they are aware of their current circumstances, past history of family, or any other extenuating circumstances, such as mental illness, then the choice can be made to avoid it.
Do I agree that there is often a psychological propensity towards addiction? That, I do agree with. Now, having said this, I bet you're saying, "Then, it has to be a disease, like mental illnesses!" No. I don't believe that mental illness is a disease. It's a mental illness. To me, a disease is something like Multiple Sclerosis, diabetes, cancer. Those are diseases. There is no choice involved. No one ever gives you the choice to have MS or cancer. I imagine most, if not all, people would say no immediately to that choice. I view mental illness as a physical disorder that you are born with, much like Autism and Down Syndrome. I have never heard of those as classified as diseases. They can be treated and monitored, controlled and rehabilitated, but not cured.
Okay...NOW! If one has made the choice to drink heavily or do street drugs, their brain chemistry becomes changed due to the chemicals that are involved with substances. They become addicted. Some become addicted easier and faster than others due to their propensity for addiction. The addiction can be extremely difficult to beat because of the chemistry of a drug. I agree in those moments, their life is altered, and there is little to no choice in the matter anymore.
However, unlike cancer or MS, there is a choice to become sober or clean, and while there is no particular medication or "cure" for addiction, there is treatment, management, rehabilitation. With a disease, there is a chance of it being incurable. Addiction is something that can be treated and with the support of doctors and family, can be managed. I'm not saying that one who has an addiction problem can be "cured". I understand totally that those struggling with addiction do have to take it day by day. Substance abuse can be so totally devastating that a person could conceivably wind up irrevocably ill from a disease picked up from their substance abuse (ie. AIDS, Hepatitis, cirrhosis, etc) and then have to be managed for the rest of their lives.
I have found in talking to past addicts that the are times in their lives they've realized the need to make the change and become clean and sober. Those choices often involve health issues due to substance abuse, family issues, work issues, social issues. But at that point, they again, MAKE A CHOICE. See my point? Why I empathize with addicts. I do understand, however, I rarely hear those who say it was their choice to start and stop. They hide behind the "disease" rhetoric. When I meet or chat with an individual who has stepped up and says "I screwed up. I made bad choices, my life sucked for a while and then I cleaned up and took responsibility" (And not necessarily like that. I'm just making a broad statement, for sure) then I celebrate that person. I say to them that I appreciate how strong they are and how brave they are for admitting that they had problems and made the wrong choice in how to deal with them. And then they took their life back, got the help needed and moved forward, clean and sober. They deserve praise and love. They deserve life and happiness, just as much as the rest of us, regardless of their pasts. One cannot change the past, just determine their possible future.
Okay. Now. I know there are a few people reading this, chomping at the bit, saying "YOU'RE WRONG! You don't know what's behind it. You've never been there!"
That's fair. I know what I'm saying isn't generally said in public. It's a train of thought that is generally pushed down rapidly and harshly. And that's fine. I don't mind. I have a reason for outlining my stance on it.
As many people are aware, many individuals with mental illness will "self medicate". This is true for individuals with ADHD too. Whether that means drugs, alcohol, hoarding, there seems to be a link between feeling helpless and overwhelmed and filling one's life with improper alternatives.
I'm going to make a very difficult statement for me to make.
I think I was on that road.
<whew> That's tough to see on the screen.
I think I was on that road. There. It's said. It's there. I know I don't have to publish it, but I want to share this.
In the past three weeks, on the new medication for ADHD, I've found that I'm feeling 100% better. There was a period of time, since last fall, that I've found after the kids were down to bed, I wanted a beer. Or a glass of wine. Now, if it had been occasional, that would have been fine. I could have handled that. But by Christmas, I was finding it was become a more regular thing. Something I'd think about frequently. I'd say "Man, I could use a beer right now." Sometimes, I'd have one or two, then go to bed, feeling relaxed and lighter in the mind. It was a good feeling. My brain wasn't racing, my body felt relaxed, my chest wasn't tight, my heart wasn't racing, my anxiety was low. I was more comfortable and falling asleep was easier. This was a bad road to be travelling on.
I WAS NOT an alcoholic. I'm saying I was on the road to it. It was capable of it becoming an issue. So this brings me back to my original point: It's a choice.
I had a choice to keep drinking, risking it becoming out of control, or recognize I had a problem and fix it. In this case, the ADHD was the problem, though I was far from aware of it at that point. It was because of the paperwork I filled out for Logan, I recognized that I probably had an issue with ADHD. I didn't make the link to the alcohol at that point, but I knew something needed to change. So I reached out. I asked questions. I took a step that many people are afraid to make, to ask for help.
After I started the ADHD medication, there was a couple days while I was first on it where I thought "I want a beer. I wonder if I can have one." So I researched it. All the indications were that until I knew how the medication affected me, it was best to avoid alcohol. It could make the affects worse. Fair enough. So I didn't have any. A couple weeks into the medication, I saw I had beer in the fridge, and I didn't want one.
This hit me like a bolt of lightning! How awful! How absolutely, incredibly, terrifyingly awful. How could I even come close to this?! I know my family history! I know my propensity for getting hooked on things, like the internet. I know it's there, but knowing is my armor. My way of recognizing the situation and avoiding it. How could I possibly have been SO incredibly stupid?! This hit me hard. It took me a couple days to digest it, chew it over and realize that it didn't matter.
It didn't matter because it never came to that point. I had been questioning it around Christmas, so I didn't drink for a while. So obviously, it had been niggling at me. It just took a different route for me to recognize the situation.
What does this mean for me now? It means I see it. It means that I can still have a drink or two, or three. It's fine. It doesn't mean that I will become something I don't want to be. I'm on the best track now. I'm treated, seeing a counselor, seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist, I've registered for two group workshops that will help with my anxiety. I'm honest with myself, my doctors and my family and friends.
Not only have I improved my overall physical health, I've vastly improved my mental health. I'm in a great spot in life. A few dips with the illnesses and exhaustion, but that's fine. It's life. And life involves parties and barbecues. Life sometimes involves alcohol. It involves choices. And I choose to take part in life, not feel guilty if I have a beer or two, and take into consideration that while I was on that path, I came to a point where a change needed to be made and I made the right choice for me.
*Side note* While I'm completely fine with you having an opinion differing from my own, and I welcome discussion and debate, understand that I do not appreciate rude comments. If you don't agree, that's fine. You can disagree but please try to make it constructive. I'm not saying that my thoughts are based in science, literature, rhetoric, whatever. These are my opinions from my own life experience. From my own reading and ideas. If what I'm saying offends you, you are welcome to express that as well, but please, tell me why. The only way we can influence and teach one another is to be constructive and honest. Not mean and negative. Being rude and negative are the best ways to drive a person the other direction.
Thanks for reading this. It was a tough post to make for me. But it feels good to share this.
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