I didn't want to post yesterday, because I was afraid of how negative it would come across.
I knew that there were going to be setbacks. I knew I'd have bad days. What I didn't know was how I'd handle them.
Until yesterday. Now I know. And I have to learn to cope with them.
So my major feeling of the day yesterday? Guilt.
Guilt that I hadn't been to the gym since Thursday, guilt that I hadn't been eating properly, guilt that I was cranky and irritable, guilt that I yelled what I felt was "too much", guilt that I felt negative.
Okay. So why did I feel that guilt? Because that's an overriding feeling I go to frequently. Even if I don't deserve to feel that way.
The past few days have been rough. The last time I went to the gym was Thursday, when I was still sick. I was so proud of myself, but by Friday, I was exhausted and the congestion, even with the Dristan, got so bad, I needed to stay home for a day. Saturday, I wanted to go to the gym in the morning, but still felt SO congested and I'd been up several times in the night. I slept in a bit later, then took the kids to their swim lessons, but I went far too early. Wound up dealing with a cranky toddler, while he waited for 45 minutes to get into the water. By the time we got into the water, he was unhappy, tired and cranky and screamed throughout the lesson. He didn't do that with daddy.
Thankfully, I have wonderful friends. I have a great babysitter the kids love, and I got her to babysit for the evening. I went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and had a great conversation with Heather and Sarah. It was lovely. I haven't seen them in so long and we got to catch up. Then we saw a really great movie, enjoyed the quiet story with characters that were awesome to watch. I drove Sarah home and was able to talk to her about movies, shows and books. She always makes me feel so happy. She's so smart and we can talk about anything. I just wish we saw each other more!
Sunday, I was tired, because of the late night and cold, plus because of his cold, Grady was tired, so after the sitter left (she slept over. Good thing too...I didn't get home til 1am!) Grady and I went for an afternoon nap, which I needed. We walked to the mall, in the little sunshine there was, but the wind was cool. We hit up the park near our house, but we didn't get to stay long. It got cold fast! I watched my favorite show, went to bed and passed out until my alarm went off, and I woke up to wind, snow and rain. Ugh.
Yesterday was just rough. Four days away from the gym, ugly, ugly weather along with a sick toddler, and I was edgy. I've been sick for over a week now, with just a cold. If I sit around too much, I feel worse than I did before. I decided we'd hit up Walmart to stock up on fruit, veggies and school snacks. I put out very specific and strong rules for each kid, and the trip went relatively well.
Today...what a difference. I woke up feeling apathetic, tired and cranky. It was windy, snowing and grey. Ugh. Another crappy weather day. But I managed to get through it, got the kids to school, packed up Grady and went to the gym. Wow! I'm telling you!!! Even after a light cardio workout, just treadmill, a little bike and then a glider, I feel so much better. I really need the time to myself. I never fully understood how important it was to me!
I had to double my meds today again too. They've left me a bit jittery today. Kind of feels like I've had four cups of coffee. I know it will go away though. No worries on my part that way.
Basically, now that I have the clarity of mind to look at what I might be missing in a negative period of time, it makes it easier to determine what I need to do for me. The kids don't need me as much as they did, and while that can be a bit heartbreaking, it's freeing as well. I know that as long as their needs are met, my husband's needs are met and the basics are pretty much covered, I can focus on myself, even if it means I don't do ALL the laundry that day. I can take things a bit slower, and I don't feel as much guilt as before. I recognize quiet time; my brain isn't as active. I'm remembering things.
When I'm down, I know what to expect and I know that I can fix it. And that feels super good!!!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Week Two - How Are You Feeling?
Week two. How in the world does time go by so fast?! Everyday seems to just pass by.
How am I feeling? I have asked myself that a few times. I've been able to have many moments of quiet self-reflection and I must say, I feel wonderful!
Besides a nasty cold that I've had for a week, everything is great.
I feel calmer, less likely to get upset, I'm not yelling as much, I'm far more patient and my anxiety is at an all time low. When someone asks me how I'm feeling, it can be difficult to put it into words, because how I felt before the diagnosis was difficult to put into words. Most of the time, people saw how I was acting rather than knew how I was feeling.
The reaction of people when I tell them about the diagnosis is really great. There are two main reactions. The first is "Oh! And how did you come to see your doctor about that?" My favorite is "Yep." And while it might not be an actual "Yep", there's little surprise in most people's faces and responses. However, the best response I'm getting now is understanding. A thought of "Yes! That's it!" and then they aren't empathetic or sympathetic. They are understanding. They aren't condescending or anything. Just understanding. It makes much more sense to people. *I* make more sense to people. That's a good feeling!
I'm sleeping better. I'm falling asleep far easier than ever, especially with the melatonin. And while I do occasionally wake up, mostly due to my congestion, I fall back to sleep easily. I haven't had any strange dreams, and this is new. I usually have many weird dreams that leave me feeling groggy and feeling weird during the day. When I wake up, I'm still groggy when I wake up, just like anyone else, but after I take my medications, drink coffee and get the day started, within about half an hour, I'm awake. I napped constantly. I'm not napping really at all. I took a nap this afternoon, for a bit more rest after a long evening with friends and getting up rather early. Having a cold doesn't help, and if I hadn't had the cold, chances are I wouldn't have napped. I felt fairly clear and awake.
I'm loving the physical activity. Taking the kids to the park, going to the gym, going for a walk to the mall, these all make me feel great. I was at the pool for swimming lessons yesterday morning with the kids, and it was really awesome! Days are just far more fun and easy now. I don't dread anything, and even though I was ridiculously early yesterday for swimming lessons, I didn't feel any anxiety and little irritation with Grady's behaviour.
I'm a better parent. I'm following through better, I'm clearer in my instructions and while the cold keeps me from being totally clear of head, I'm definitely finding things easier with the kids, overall. Helping Logan with his homework is far easier! That's been a great part of this. I can sit down, talk calmly with him and help him through his own frustration and have him settle when he starts to shut down.
Two weeks. Two short, fast weeks and things have changed so dramatically. I'll probably always talk a lot, but I'm talking more slowly, thinking things through. I'm more capable of listening right now.
Now. I need to get past this cold and everything will be wonderful.
And the weather could boost a bit too. I'm pretty tired of winter. This is one very cold spring!
How am I feeling? I have asked myself that a few times. I've been able to have many moments of quiet self-reflection and I must say, I feel wonderful!
Besides a nasty cold that I've had for a week, everything is great.
I feel calmer, less likely to get upset, I'm not yelling as much, I'm far more patient and my anxiety is at an all time low. When someone asks me how I'm feeling, it can be difficult to put it into words, because how I felt before the diagnosis was difficult to put into words. Most of the time, people saw how I was acting rather than knew how I was feeling.
The reaction of people when I tell them about the diagnosis is really great. There are two main reactions. The first is "Oh! And how did you come to see your doctor about that?" My favorite is "Yep." And while it might not be an actual "Yep", there's little surprise in most people's faces and responses. However, the best response I'm getting now is understanding. A thought of "Yes! That's it!" and then they aren't empathetic or sympathetic. They are understanding. They aren't condescending or anything. Just understanding. It makes much more sense to people. *I* make more sense to people. That's a good feeling!
I'm sleeping better. I'm falling asleep far easier than ever, especially with the melatonin. And while I do occasionally wake up, mostly due to my congestion, I fall back to sleep easily. I haven't had any strange dreams, and this is new. I usually have many weird dreams that leave me feeling groggy and feeling weird during the day. When I wake up, I'm still groggy when I wake up, just like anyone else, but after I take my medications, drink coffee and get the day started, within about half an hour, I'm awake. I napped constantly. I'm not napping really at all. I took a nap this afternoon, for a bit more rest after a long evening with friends and getting up rather early. Having a cold doesn't help, and if I hadn't had the cold, chances are I wouldn't have napped. I felt fairly clear and awake.
I'm loving the physical activity. Taking the kids to the park, going to the gym, going for a walk to the mall, these all make me feel great. I was at the pool for swimming lessons yesterday morning with the kids, and it was really awesome! Days are just far more fun and easy now. I don't dread anything, and even though I was ridiculously early yesterday for swimming lessons, I didn't feel any anxiety and little irritation with Grady's behaviour.
I'm a better parent. I'm following through better, I'm clearer in my instructions and while the cold keeps me from being totally clear of head, I'm definitely finding things easier with the kids, overall. Helping Logan with his homework is far easier! That's been a great part of this. I can sit down, talk calmly with him and help him through his own frustration and have him settle when he starts to shut down.
Two weeks. Two short, fast weeks and things have changed so dramatically. I'll probably always talk a lot, but I'm talking more slowly, thinking things through. I'm more capable of listening right now.
Now. I need to get past this cold and everything will be wonderful.
And the weather could boost a bit too. I'm pretty tired of winter. This is one very cold spring!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Having a Cold SUCKS!
It doesn't really suck in the conventional sense. It sucks in the sense that along with the learning curve that goes along with dealing with a new diagnosis of any type, and any medications you might need to take, you have to check up and see what interacts with what and how it can affect you.
So last night, I hit up www.drugs.com and checked what Concerta interacts with. Yeah...most cold medications. I have been using Dristan and Drixoral (not at the same time) and getting relief, but then there's the headache, sinus pressure and sneezing. So while the sinus sprays were definitely giving me relief, it needed a boost.
This afternoon, after swimming, I went to Walmart to ask a pharmasist. That was dumb. She was an idiot. She looked at me like why was I bothering to ask her anything and barely gave me an answer. She suggested Advil Cold and Sinus, so I picked one up, checked the medicinal ingredients and saw they were the same as what drugs.com said could interact with Concerta. I bought some, figuring even if I don't use it, at least it will be there if Jeff needs it.
Thankfully, Alberta has a lot of great resources, including a Drug and Herbal Medication Advice Line. I have called them regarding all sorts of things that could interact with other meds, what I could or couldn't use when I was pregnant. It has been a great resource. I gave the lady on the phone the ingredients and the meds I was concerned about and she came back with an answer.
I can use the Advil. That's good. I need a booster, that's about it. Basically, Concerta can raise your heart rate. So can the medicinal ingredients in cold medications. So if you have a heart issue, then it's best to check in with your doc and find out the deal. In my case, with no heart issues and no blood pressure issues, I'm safe to take these medication for my sinuses.
My lessons for the day, don't bother to ask pharmasists at Walmart. I have asked before and I have really only had one that gave me good, clear answers. Having resources and using them is important and being specific helps. Above all, thinking before I just dive into any type of medication is important. You never know what can react to what. Being diligent is best, even if it feels like a dumb question. I'd rather ask a dumb question than be dead or in the hospital.
Now, I take my dose of Advil, keep using the saline spray and nasal sprays, rest and get better. I haven't had a cold in ages. This one hasn't been fun, but as long as I keep active and moving, then I don't feel as bad as when I sit and do nothing, like yesterday.
So last night, I hit up www.drugs.com and checked what Concerta interacts with. Yeah...most cold medications. I have been using Dristan and Drixoral (not at the same time) and getting relief, but then there's the headache, sinus pressure and sneezing. So while the sinus sprays were definitely giving me relief, it needed a boost.
This afternoon, after swimming, I went to Walmart to ask a pharmasist. That was dumb. She was an idiot. She looked at me like why was I bothering to ask her anything and barely gave me an answer. She suggested Advil Cold and Sinus, so I picked one up, checked the medicinal ingredients and saw they were the same as what drugs.com said could interact with Concerta. I bought some, figuring even if I don't use it, at least it will be there if Jeff needs it.
Thankfully, Alberta has a lot of great resources, including a Drug and Herbal Medication Advice Line. I have called them regarding all sorts of things that could interact with other meds, what I could or couldn't use when I was pregnant. It has been a great resource. I gave the lady on the phone the ingredients and the meds I was concerned about and she came back with an answer.
I can use the Advil. That's good. I need a booster, that's about it. Basically, Concerta can raise your heart rate. So can the medicinal ingredients in cold medications. So if you have a heart issue, then it's best to check in with your doc and find out the deal. In my case, with no heart issues and no blood pressure issues, I'm safe to take these medication for my sinuses.
My lessons for the day, don't bother to ask pharmasists at Walmart. I have asked before and I have really only had one that gave me good, clear answers. Having resources and using them is important and being specific helps. Above all, thinking before I just dive into any type of medication is important. You never know what can react to what. Being diligent is best, even if it feels like a dumb question. I'd rather ask a dumb question than be dead or in the hospital.
Now, I take my dose of Advil, keep using the saline spray and nasal sprays, rest and get better. I haven't had a cold in ages. This one hasn't been fun, but as long as I keep active and moving, then I don't feel as bad as when I sit and do nothing, like yesterday.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Medication
Life through 20th Century science is such a controversial thing. It's often perceived as a black and white issue.
I don't view it that way.
I view it as a way to help us. We don't ALWAYS need it, and there is a dark side to it. Often things that we are medicated for can be helped through diligence, exercise and diet.
When I found out I was going to need medication for my ADHD, I was a little apprehensive. I've heard so many horror stories of kids and adults going onto ADHD meds and becoming zombies. I've even experienced it when I was in University. My doctor at that time prescribed me Wellbutrin. I hyper-focused. Jeff had to physically move me to get my attention. It was like tunnel vision. It was uncomfortable, so I stopped taking the medication and stopped going to the psychiatrist.
My justification? I was in the States. The doctors there just love to prescribe medication. We've all heard about the pharmaceutical companies, sitting behind closed doors, inventing the next possible big medication to "help" people, and of course, make them piles and piles of money. And the doctors, they just push it. I was 19, idealistic and naive, but I knew everything. What I heard on TV had to be real right? I considered myself to be a free thinker at that age, and somewhat open minded, and while I was, I just wasn't as much of a free thinker as I thought. Critical thinking wasn't always my forte, so to speak.
I'm not particularly happy being on so much medication right now, but knowing what it is all for and having done my research, I feel comfortable with it. I also know that with work, I can get rid of at least four of them.
The Concerta, it definitely freaked me out. I wasn't sure what would happen. The first week was up and down, but by the end of that week, I was feeling better. Now, I'm almost 2 weeks in, and I can say, I feel a REAL difference. My brain doesn't go as fast, I can think more clearly, I'm being more consistent and I get less frustrated. If I DO feel frustrated, I can deal with it in that moment, instead of blowing up. This is a big deal. When I'm in stores, I think more about what I'm buying, which builds on what I was already doing before. It's just easier now. When I was the gym the other day, the work out went by so fast. It was nice.
The medication isn't changing ME, but it's changing how I react to my environment. It's helping me make better, calmer decisions. I'm sleeping better, I'm eating better, I'm feeling better. I'm calmer, more reflective and it's easier for me to correct myself in the moment.
I do have to think twice before what I take for my cold or sleep issue. Not that I have a big sleep issue. I'm using Melatonin and a sleep aid (occasionally, primarily the melatonin) and I'm just drifting off. Not worrying, sweating, tossing, turning, composing letters or blogs in my brain. I wake up the next morning, feeling rested and I wake up relatively easily. This does NOT mean I'm giving up coffee. You'll have to pry that out of my hand...and you won't succeed. I have a cold right now, so I have to be sure of what I'm taking that way too. But I've been careful of cold meds since having the kids and diabetes. And if I'm unsure, I call the herbal and medication advice line here in Alberta, which is part of the Poison Control department.
Living through 20th Century science sure is nice when it's effective and taken responsibly. That's really my whole point. Not everything we see in the news is right, positive or negative. And we need to be capable of taking our own health care into our hands and ask questions. Not follow it blindly, assuming that every pharmasist, doctor and anyone else who practices some sort of medicine, whether pharmaceutical or natural, knows everything about everyone. Medications work differently on all of us, for different reasons. Sometimes, we have to try more than one, not give up, and if we can't find a proper, effective solution, we research some more, and look into other options. The world is a pretty big place, and with 7 billion humans on it, someone, somewhere will have a thought...we just have to ask!
Epiphanies
Sometimes, we just float through life, going at our pace, whatever it may be, and we think little of what we're doing, how we are affecting those around us or what mark we're leaving. Then, we take a look back and wonder what we were doing and why we were doing it. Sometimes, that leaves us with guilt, shame, self loathing, whatever the feeling might be, it's not a good one.
It's always easy to blame someone else. It's easy to say, "Well, I'm just THAT way, so whatever." We justify our actions and what we have done with a "screw the world" attitude, never thinking that perhaps, just maybe, it might be ourselves causing a lot of our own issues.
That's hard to do. Nobody wants to admit they were wrong, a part of the problem, and even sometimes, the problem itself. We blame the other people in our lives, we blame our situation in life, we blame interruptions, kids, pets, cars, trucks, bugs...whatever it might be that can possibly assuage the negative feelings we carry for whatever reason.
I'm guilty of that. Very guilty of it.
Communications issues? It's the other person. They just can't keep up with me. At least, that's what I keep saying to myself.
My house is a mess? Well, of course it is. Grady is so active. I can't keep up with him. Olivia hurts herself a lot and Logan, well I have to be on him all the time when I ask him to do something. It's not me. It's them. The mess will be there tomorrow. I'll clean it up when it's time to, for a party or something. But I get frustrated with the mess. I get annoyed with the fact that nothing goes where I want it to. But it's not my fault.
The kids homework isn't done. Logan's having trouble reading and getting his math done. Olivia was doing so well with her reading, and now she's falling back a bit. Oh. Well, that's not my fault. I ask them to do it. If they don't do it, it's their fault. Or, I'm sorry that they didn't read, I forgot.
School? I'm just not a classroom person. Sure! I'm smart. Very smart, in fact. I have no qualms about saying I'm smart. It's one of the things I truly love about myself. I pride myself on my intelligence and love of multiple subjects. I want to learn. But school? Phht. Classrooms suck. I can do it on my own. Oh. No. I can't. I can't do it. I won't even bother. Why bother? I'll just fail anyway.
With my communication issue, I am bad sometimes. I bombard. I don't discuss. I debate, I crush your opinion with mine, even if I respect your thoughts, I still have to be the loudest. I want to discuss a problem, here's what I think, so, move on. People shut down. They don't want to discuss things with me because while I CAN hold a good conversation, I tend to overrun it. I don't mean to, and I know that people want me to shut up sometimes so they can express what they think, but sometimes, I simply cannot stop myself, even if I want to. Then I come away from the conversation feeling guilty, unhappy and mad at myself.
My house. My house, my house, my house. I love my house. I love the colors, I love the warmth of it, I love the windows (though I would love bigger ones, I make the ones I have work), I love the bedrooms, I love my bed. I love the breeze that blows through my house every summer, up and down the stairs, between the bedrooms. I feel safe in my house. I feel secure and comfortable. One problem. It's cluttered. I have thousands of toys, clothes, books, paper, everything. And I'm not a hoarder. I promise. I can throw things out. I CAN empathize with hoarders. I simply see a task, it seems too big and then I just stop. It's too much. I can't see the forest through the trees. I see the end, but I can't figure out where to begin. I have GREAT ideas for organizing. Follow through...nadda.
My kids. Oh my Gosh, I can't tell you how much my world revolves around my children. They are my world. I love them more than life itself, and I want everything to be perfect for them. I realized this September a very important thing. Their homework is MY homework. That doesn't mean I do it for them. It means I help them, I guide them, I tell them when I want them to do it, and I do what I can to make them successful. Only I failed them this year. I didn't follow through. My consistency lacked greatly. I did SO well at the start of the year. Had them reading daily, had Logan doing his math, spelling and reading. I was so happy with myself. Then, little by little, I started forgetting. I wasn't able to keep up on the daily homework. I kept making excuses. "Well, I'm SO busy" "I'm too tired" "I can't keep up on it". It was like when I was in school myself. I always started off strong. Good grades, it was easy for me, handed in assignments, studied, did well on tests. Then, my resolve failed and I slipped until I was failing.
And school. Oh wow. My biggest nemesis ever. I always told myself, I'm a learner by doing, not by watching. I need hands on to learn...I need to do it. That's not true, and I know it. I absorb knowledge. My memory is actually quite good. I learn certain things by doing, for sure. At the same time, a book works too. I was a student that I'm sure baffled my teachers. I left their classrooms happy, easy going, intelligent, but underachieving. I knew I was as smart as the other girls in my class, but I could never meet their levels. Had I done the homework and the studying, I would have, easily, been on honor roll and such, but the focus...it's always back to the focus. Now, I'm anxious about school. I'm wondering how, when, where to go back, can I do home study? I know I'm going to have to do some of it...but will the school help me with my difficulties? I wonder if a teacher of mine ever reads this and says "AHA!!" I don't want any of my teachers to ever say "Oh man, I wish I had..." I want them to say "Oh hey! Maybe THIS is what's going on with so and so!" I know so many of my teachers remember me. My grade 1 teacher turned around at my sister in law's graduation when I was in my early 20's and said "I THOUGHT I recognized that voice!" I'm sure she did. I never shut up in grade 1. It seems I leave a lasting impression on people.
So what do I do now? Well, I take a breath, think it out and tell myself I can do it. I can clean my desk, I can ask for help. Write lists, see what can be done, what should be done and what needs to be done. I can take my time and not feel bad if I don't finish it in that instant. I can understand my limitations and explain to others where I stand in my brain at that moment. And if something becomes cluttered and untidy again, I don't have to kick myself and say "Well why bother now?" I can just do it again.
But above all, I can admit I'm a big part of the problem. Yes...I AM. It's not a bad thing. It's eye opening. I can say to someone, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bulldoze you over like that. I shouldn't have done it and I am trying very hard not to do it again." This goes not only for my social interactions with friends but also family.
I can admit to myself that my house is a mess because my brain is a bit of a mess.
The most important thing for me to realize is that this is a work in progress. None of this will change overnight. I don't have to take it all on myself, think about it obsessively and then be disappointed when things don't go my way. I learned that lesson when I became diabetic and it's serving me very well today. Lasting changes are not something that you fix overnight. It takes hard work, talking, and in my case, diligently remembering to take my medications.
I'm feeling good, and that's what matters. The rest is falling into place.
It's always easy to blame someone else. It's easy to say, "Well, I'm just THAT way, so whatever." We justify our actions and what we have done with a "screw the world" attitude, never thinking that perhaps, just maybe, it might be ourselves causing a lot of our own issues.
That's hard to do. Nobody wants to admit they were wrong, a part of the problem, and even sometimes, the problem itself. We blame the other people in our lives, we blame our situation in life, we blame interruptions, kids, pets, cars, trucks, bugs...whatever it might be that can possibly assuage the negative feelings we carry for whatever reason.
I'm guilty of that. Very guilty of it.
Communications issues? It's the other person. They just can't keep up with me. At least, that's what I keep saying to myself.
My house is a mess? Well, of course it is. Grady is so active. I can't keep up with him. Olivia hurts herself a lot and Logan, well I have to be on him all the time when I ask him to do something. It's not me. It's them. The mess will be there tomorrow. I'll clean it up when it's time to, for a party or something. But I get frustrated with the mess. I get annoyed with the fact that nothing goes where I want it to. But it's not my fault.
The kids homework isn't done. Logan's having trouble reading and getting his math done. Olivia was doing so well with her reading, and now she's falling back a bit. Oh. Well, that's not my fault. I ask them to do it. If they don't do it, it's their fault. Or, I'm sorry that they didn't read, I forgot.
School? I'm just not a classroom person. Sure! I'm smart. Very smart, in fact. I have no qualms about saying I'm smart. It's one of the things I truly love about myself. I pride myself on my intelligence and love of multiple subjects. I want to learn. But school? Phht. Classrooms suck. I can do it on my own. Oh. No. I can't. I can't do it. I won't even bother. Why bother? I'll just fail anyway.
With my communication issue, I am bad sometimes. I bombard. I don't discuss. I debate, I crush your opinion with mine, even if I respect your thoughts, I still have to be the loudest. I want to discuss a problem, here's what I think, so, move on. People shut down. They don't want to discuss things with me because while I CAN hold a good conversation, I tend to overrun it. I don't mean to, and I know that people want me to shut up sometimes so they can express what they think, but sometimes, I simply cannot stop myself, even if I want to. Then I come away from the conversation feeling guilty, unhappy and mad at myself.
My house. My house, my house, my house. I love my house. I love the colors, I love the warmth of it, I love the windows (though I would love bigger ones, I make the ones I have work), I love the bedrooms, I love my bed. I love the breeze that blows through my house every summer, up and down the stairs, between the bedrooms. I feel safe in my house. I feel secure and comfortable. One problem. It's cluttered. I have thousands of toys, clothes, books, paper, everything. And I'm not a hoarder. I promise. I can throw things out. I CAN empathize with hoarders. I simply see a task, it seems too big and then I just stop. It's too much. I can't see the forest through the trees. I see the end, but I can't figure out where to begin. I have GREAT ideas for organizing. Follow through...nadda.
My kids. Oh my Gosh, I can't tell you how much my world revolves around my children. They are my world. I love them more than life itself, and I want everything to be perfect for them. I realized this September a very important thing. Their homework is MY homework. That doesn't mean I do it for them. It means I help them, I guide them, I tell them when I want them to do it, and I do what I can to make them successful. Only I failed them this year. I didn't follow through. My consistency lacked greatly. I did SO well at the start of the year. Had them reading daily, had Logan doing his math, spelling and reading. I was so happy with myself. Then, little by little, I started forgetting. I wasn't able to keep up on the daily homework. I kept making excuses. "Well, I'm SO busy" "I'm too tired" "I can't keep up on it". It was like when I was in school myself. I always started off strong. Good grades, it was easy for me, handed in assignments, studied, did well on tests. Then, my resolve failed and I slipped until I was failing.
And school. Oh wow. My biggest nemesis ever. I always told myself, I'm a learner by doing, not by watching. I need hands on to learn...I need to do it. That's not true, and I know it. I absorb knowledge. My memory is actually quite good. I learn certain things by doing, for sure. At the same time, a book works too. I was a student that I'm sure baffled my teachers. I left their classrooms happy, easy going, intelligent, but underachieving. I knew I was as smart as the other girls in my class, but I could never meet their levels. Had I done the homework and the studying, I would have, easily, been on honor roll and such, but the focus...it's always back to the focus. Now, I'm anxious about school. I'm wondering how, when, where to go back, can I do home study? I know I'm going to have to do some of it...but will the school help me with my difficulties? I wonder if a teacher of mine ever reads this and says "AHA!!" I don't want any of my teachers to ever say "Oh man, I wish I had..." I want them to say "Oh hey! Maybe THIS is what's going on with so and so!" I know so many of my teachers remember me. My grade 1 teacher turned around at my sister in law's graduation when I was in my early 20's and said "I THOUGHT I recognized that voice!" I'm sure she did. I never shut up in grade 1. It seems I leave a lasting impression on people.
So what do I do now? Well, I take a breath, think it out and tell myself I can do it. I can clean my desk, I can ask for help. Write lists, see what can be done, what should be done and what needs to be done. I can take my time and not feel bad if I don't finish it in that instant. I can understand my limitations and explain to others where I stand in my brain at that moment. And if something becomes cluttered and untidy again, I don't have to kick myself and say "Well why bother now?" I can just do it again.
But above all, I can admit I'm a big part of the problem. Yes...I AM. It's not a bad thing. It's eye opening. I can say to someone, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bulldoze you over like that. I shouldn't have done it and I am trying very hard not to do it again." This goes not only for my social interactions with friends but also family.
I can admit to myself that my house is a mess because my brain is a bit of a mess.
The most important thing for me to realize is that this is a work in progress. None of this will change overnight. I don't have to take it all on myself, think about it obsessively and then be disappointed when things don't go my way. I learned that lesson when I became diabetic and it's serving me very well today. Lasting changes are not something that you fix overnight. It takes hard work, talking, and in my case, diligently remembering to take my medications.
I'm feeling good, and that's what matters. The rest is falling into place.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Positivity
“Before you can successfully make friends with others, first you have to become your own friend.”
― Stephen Richards
This resounds with me strongly. Especially right now, while I'm making big changes in my life. I've always had a tough time being friends with myself, but often had little trouble making friends with others. I have compared myself with other people, trying to figure out who I am, where I belong, when *my* time will come.
*My* time won't come unless I make it come. Unless I look forward, into the future, hold my head up high and say "I can do this." Finding out I had ADHD, I faced the reality that I had another hill to climb. Another height to reach.
I've been here before. These mountains have rarely beaten me.
In February of 2011, I was diagnosed having type 2 diabetes. I was really upset. I knew the risk factors; family history, being overweight, having had two pregnancies where I was a gestational diabetic. I knew that I was at risk, and at that point had made a decision to start moving forward, making changes and trying not to wind up as a type 2 diabetic. I didn't make it. I thought I had more time. I was wrong.
I used my diabetes as a way to look at what I am doing with my life, body, diet, exercise. The whole thing. I looked at it as an opportunity to teach my children good eating habits, exercising more often and making sure they never had to deal with diabetes and obesity themselves. I made sure they ate properly, went out and played. I tried to do it myself for me too, went to the specialists, talked to my family doctor, nodded and smiled. I couldn't make it work though. I felt like a failure. What I didn't realize, there was an underlying problem. Another mountain to climb. Another road block. View it as you want, but my undiagnosed ADHD was holding me back.
Before the diabetes, I was diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder. If you read my last blog, you'll know that I had a hard hill to climb there. Through therapy, talking, taking my medication regularly, I have managed to get through the fog of the anxiety and recognize that I needed to rethink how I lived. Most people have always thought me a very happy, easy going, patient woman. And for the most part, I am. What people didn't know is that inside of me, I had a seething, roiling stomach, a tight, sore chest and my heart raced all the time. I didn't know what was wrong. I figured it out and I made things better.
Now, I face one more obstacle in my path. ADHD is a biggie. It's also the source for many of my issues. It's not the SOLE cause. I HAVE to take some responsibility for my own actions, of course. I would overeat, sit on the couch and my weight rose. I lost faith in my own ability to learn, and I gave up on school. I thought that I would be forever caught in the web of low earning jobs and never being able to really contribute to our family's financial needs. The odd thing is, I've never questioned my intelligence. I know I'm smart. I'm quite intelligent, I enjoy learning and I remember things readily for the most part. I'm a fount of useless knowledge and I do well at games like Trivial Pursuit. Although I hate math, but when faced with a math equation, I can work it out either in my head or on paper. I love politics, religion, just about anything that tickles my fancy. When I'm totally engaged, I do really well. However, being totally engaged is a very rare thing for me indeed.
So what now? Well, I take my meds, focus on what I'm doing for that moment, and take a moment and think "How am I doing right now?" And if I think I can do better, then I move forward and do better. Why bother focusing on what I *might* have done. Why not focus on what I *can* do? I also have to learn to ask for help. And not for something minor, but for the big things. Not to take it all on my shoulders and try to carry the load entirely. I've mentioned in past posts, I'm blessed with a strong, supportive network of friends and family. I'm rarely lacking help, but find it most difficult to ask for help. I really don't want to put anyone out, and I'll struggle.
I found one more quote that I found really inspiring. Here it is to share:
“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we ALL lived that way??
― Stephen Richards
This resounds with me strongly. Especially right now, while I'm making big changes in my life. I've always had a tough time being friends with myself, but often had little trouble making friends with others. I have compared myself with other people, trying to figure out who I am, where I belong, when *my* time will come.
*My* time won't come unless I make it come. Unless I look forward, into the future, hold my head up high and say "I can do this." Finding out I had ADHD, I faced the reality that I had another hill to climb. Another height to reach.
I've been here before. These mountains have rarely beaten me.
In February of 2011, I was diagnosed having type 2 diabetes. I was really upset. I knew the risk factors; family history, being overweight, having had two pregnancies where I was a gestational diabetic. I knew that I was at risk, and at that point had made a decision to start moving forward, making changes and trying not to wind up as a type 2 diabetic. I didn't make it. I thought I had more time. I was wrong.
I used my diabetes as a way to look at what I am doing with my life, body, diet, exercise. The whole thing. I looked at it as an opportunity to teach my children good eating habits, exercising more often and making sure they never had to deal with diabetes and obesity themselves. I made sure they ate properly, went out and played. I tried to do it myself for me too, went to the specialists, talked to my family doctor, nodded and smiled. I couldn't make it work though. I felt like a failure. What I didn't realize, there was an underlying problem. Another mountain to climb. Another road block. View it as you want, but my undiagnosed ADHD was holding me back.
Before the diabetes, I was diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder. If you read my last blog, you'll know that I had a hard hill to climb there. Through therapy, talking, taking my medication regularly, I have managed to get through the fog of the anxiety and recognize that I needed to rethink how I lived. Most people have always thought me a very happy, easy going, patient woman. And for the most part, I am. What people didn't know is that inside of me, I had a seething, roiling stomach, a tight, sore chest and my heart raced all the time. I didn't know what was wrong. I figured it out and I made things better.
Now, I face one more obstacle in my path. ADHD is a biggie. It's also the source for many of my issues. It's not the SOLE cause. I HAVE to take some responsibility for my own actions, of course. I would overeat, sit on the couch and my weight rose. I lost faith in my own ability to learn, and I gave up on school. I thought that I would be forever caught in the web of low earning jobs and never being able to really contribute to our family's financial needs. The odd thing is, I've never questioned my intelligence. I know I'm smart. I'm quite intelligent, I enjoy learning and I remember things readily for the most part. I'm a fount of useless knowledge and I do well at games like Trivial Pursuit. Although I hate math, but when faced with a math equation, I can work it out either in my head or on paper. I love politics, religion, just about anything that tickles my fancy. When I'm totally engaged, I do really well. However, being totally engaged is a very rare thing for me indeed.
So what now? Well, I take my meds, focus on what I'm doing for that moment, and take a moment and think "How am I doing right now?" And if I think I can do better, then I move forward and do better. Why bother focusing on what I *might* have done. Why not focus on what I *can* do? I also have to learn to ask for help. And not for something minor, but for the big things. Not to take it all on my shoulders and try to carry the load entirely. I've mentioned in past posts, I'm blessed with a strong, supportive network of friends and family. I'm rarely lacking help, but find it most difficult to ask for help. I really don't want to put anyone out, and I'll struggle.
I found one more quote that I found really inspiring. Here it is to share:
“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we ALL lived that way??
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Day Nine - Consistency
Consistency has always been a difficult concept for me. I am always good intentioned, whether it's in the gym, diet, the kids, just life in general. Cooking, cleaning, you name it, I'm inconsistent. I don't mean to be. I really don't. I just have so much difficulty with it. I forget, I lose interest, I get too busy, I can make just any random excuse, even if it is valid at that time. It's tough for me.
It came to mind today as a blog post because I was talking to a lady today regarding being consistent with removing the soother from a child.
Grady is turning three next month, and he still has a soother. He can talk quite clearly with or without it, it doesn't seem to hinder him much and really, it keeps him calm and quiet. It's more a convenience now rather than a need, but I figure, he's happy, I'm happy. I know it has to go soon though. He's SUCH a big kid. He's the average weight of some four year olds, wears clothing in the size 3-5 category and it looks strange.
So, we try to take away the "soo soo". We tell him "You can have your soo soo when you go to bed." There are times when we are free with the soo soo. Like in the grocery store when you just want him to be quiet. Or in the car when he's screaming blue murder because he's tired, bored, thirsty, hungry, or any of the other multitude of reasons a 2 year old uses a soother, like his sister touched him. My other kids are thumbsuckers, so it's a more difficult task breaking them from that. You can't just cut off their thumbs. I also find the idea of some of the barbaric ways you can manage to get your kid to give up their thumb rather distasteful. Cribs in the mouth with pokers? If it's not good to get those chokers that has the prongs for a dog , why should I put pokers in my child's mouth?! Hot sauce? My kids love that stuff. We've tried bandaids, gum, whatever doesn't seem cruel, but the other options are just simply not options for us. At least with Grady, we can just one day take it away.
My resolve always weakens though. He gets hurt, he comes to me for hugs and kisses, then gets his soo soo. He's tired, he comes for hugs and kisses, cuddles and of course, soo soo...then he wanders off with them, and I forget he has it. I do admit, I take it away when he's happy and just chattering away. There's something weird about him talking through the soother with that weird, wet sucking noise it makes while he's talking. And he will give it up happily more often than not, simply because he knows he will get it back eventually.
Punishing the kids has always been a difficult thing as well. When I was in my crazy, anxiety ridden state, before meds and counselling, I was a wreck. I'm going to admit something very bad. And difficult to admit...especially considering people know me as a completely different person. I hid it. I hid it very very well. I'm good at pushing the bad down and letting it fester until it blasts out of me. And it was VERY unhealthy.
I was a bad mom for a while. I really was. And I'm not saying this because I did horrible things to my kids, but I was mean. I yelled in the face of my three year old (Logan) more than once, punched and smacked walls, screamed and yelled like nobody in the world could hear me. It was awful. I felt awful. I look back on those days with regret and guilt, but at the same time, I know that when I realized how bad it had gotten, I went to get help before it got worse. And that's what I'm most proud of. I'm not proud of screaming in my three year old son's face. I'm not proud of screaming and yelling, throwing things like a 2 year old tantruming. I'm not proud that the safest place for my children wasn't always in my arms, but in their rooms, while I sat in the living room or my bedroom, trying to calm down from the latest freak out. I got help. I made myself stronger, I learned how to control myself and I calmed down. I learned how to cope with my anxiety and I learned how it doesn't have to affect my family or control my life. I got help.
I got help.
Those words make me smile. I'm not a mean person. I will do whatever it takes to teach my kids only the most valuable and good life lessons. I will do whatever I can to help a friend in need. I will do whatever I can to make sure that a person leaves my presence, feeling good and like they've had a good conversation. And with the help of my medication and therapy, I've been consistent in that.
Now, when disciplining the children, I take the time to think out the punishment best suited and one that will be remembered. That's not always easy. The hardest part is when I give a time period that it will be take place in, I have to stick to that. So if I take Logan's DS away for two weeks, it's TWO WEEKS. Not a week, and then on the weekend, he's bored, so I give it back. (I've done it...) Now, it's TWO WEEKS. I mark it on the calender for his edification and my own. It's been good. He's figuring things out now. Grady's becoming easier to deal with by the day with our consistency in his discipline (bedroom for tantrums, etc) and is getting easier to deal with in public as well. Olivia just needs to be calmed down when it comes to her attitude and emotions. Telling her to breathe is the easiest thing to do. If that doesn't work, then she has to go to her room and calm down there.
With the other less important things, like housework, life outside of the house, I'm inconsistent. I can do housework like it's nobody's business, but never consistently. My house is in a constant state of disarray and clutter, but it's okay. It's not filthy dirty, my cats don't crap in any other place than their litter boxes, so there's a little food on the floor, there's toys and dust...but it's home. I'll clean when there's something important to REALLY clean for.
I'm feeling really good about my consistency with the gym. Sure, for the first while, it was difficult to motivate myself, but once in the swing of things, it got to be something I really enjoyed. I missed days, but I always went back. I never did that when I had past memberships. I'd go for a week or two, then miss a few days, give up. I've realized how important it is to take a bit of time for me now. Grady's almost 3, he's very confident and happy, loves other kids and has no issue in childcare. Olivia is in Kindergarten, loves her class and teacher and is doing well. Logan is very independent, not always in need of me and can be trusted to entertain himself on a regular basis. I'm not on 24/7 duty any more with regards to baby needs. My kids are able to entertain and play by themselves and that feels good. I've raised healthy, secure children.
Food consistency will probably always be difficult. With three kids, I admit, fast food is just easier. But I like to cook and when the bug bites me, I can get some pretty awesome stuff made, all from my head. In the summer, we eat a lot of bbq'ed steaks, chicken, ribs, and I add veggies. It's so easy. The winter, it's harder for some reason. More dishes to clean after, I guess.
So obviously, I have a long way to go when it comes to consistency. I'm improving by the day, trying hard to be mindful of what needs to be done and whether or not I need to be looking at it as a daily thing, like the gym, diet or housework. I'm sure scheduling and making time for these tasks will become easier, and with the addition of my return to school, will become necessary in the future. For now, I'm just sort of riding along, by the seat of my pants.
And that's okay too.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Day Eight - Add Another Appointment to the List
Being diabetic, I have multiple appointments on a fairly regular basis. I have my family doctor, who gives me lab requisitions. I used to have a diabetes nurse as well, who I saw in my former family doctor's office. I really liked her. She was so encouraging and positive. She made the whole thing seem easy once I had the chance to really sit down and tell her how I felt about it. I have a dietician, who I see when I remember to see her.
With the ADHD, add another list of doctors and psychologists, nutritionists and even a second family physician who works with my psychologist. I feel like a lab rat sometimes.
Now, I've decided to go back to my counsellor I saw in the past. I think it's time I saw someone outside of my "regular" rotation of doctors and mental health specialists, to speak to her and see another perspective, and be able to discuss my feelings and how I'm handling this whole new thing. She will be a great resource and can give me strategies in order to learn to organize and re-think my present situation.
I've always liked this counsellor. She reminds me a lot of a friend of mine in Whitehorse who I always connected well with. She listens, lets me vent, rant, blabber, whatever it is I need and is really good at helping redirect me and bring me back to topic. That's not always an easy task. She's very honest, almost brutally so, but I appreciate that. I don't particularly like tippy toe-ing around something. If you have something to say to me, say it. I might get mad, upset, cry, rail, whatever, but I'll get over it! However, I can't see her until the middle of May, but I'm okay with that. I'm really used to making appointments months in advance, whether for myself or the kids, and waiting. It's not a commentary on the health care system. I really don't mind. I always know that there are people who need some specialists more than I might at that moment.
I'm also going to see my dietician again. Go over things, redo my diet plan, not that I've been following it well. Might as well be honest. She's really nice and helps me see where I'm falling short and need to pick up my socks a bit. One of the best things she ever told me was to take things at 80% good, 20% bad. If I eat something I shouldn't, don't beat myself up, and then get back onto the wagon. However, I've taken that to the extreme, as I am wont to do, and managed to talk myself into whatever I want. I'm good at that. Probably something I can talk to both my counsellor and dietician about. I'm looking forward to seeing them both.
At least the kids are healthy. I don't have to add any appointments for them, for the time being.
With the ADHD, add another list of doctors and psychologists, nutritionists and even a second family physician who works with my psychologist. I feel like a lab rat sometimes.
Now, I've decided to go back to my counsellor I saw in the past. I think it's time I saw someone outside of my "regular" rotation of doctors and mental health specialists, to speak to her and see another perspective, and be able to discuss my feelings and how I'm handling this whole new thing. She will be a great resource and can give me strategies in order to learn to organize and re-think my present situation.
I've always liked this counsellor. She reminds me a lot of a friend of mine in Whitehorse who I always connected well with. She listens, lets me vent, rant, blabber, whatever it is I need and is really good at helping redirect me and bring me back to topic. That's not always an easy task. She's very honest, almost brutally so, but I appreciate that. I don't particularly like tippy toe-ing around something. If you have something to say to me, say it. I might get mad, upset, cry, rail, whatever, but I'll get over it! However, I can't see her until the middle of May, but I'm okay with that. I'm really used to making appointments months in advance, whether for myself or the kids, and waiting. It's not a commentary on the health care system. I really don't mind. I always know that there are people who need some specialists more than I might at that moment.
I'm also going to see my dietician again. Go over things, redo my diet plan, not that I've been following it well. Might as well be honest. She's really nice and helps me see where I'm falling short and need to pick up my socks a bit. One of the best things she ever told me was to take things at 80% good, 20% bad. If I eat something I shouldn't, don't beat myself up, and then get back onto the wagon. However, I've taken that to the extreme, as I am wont to do, and managed to talk myself into whatever I want. I'm good at that. Probably something I can talk to both my counsellor and dietician about. I'm looking forward to seeing them both.
At least the kids are healthy. I don't have to add any appointments for them, for the time being.
He's HOW old now?!
9 years ago today, I was blessed with a beautiful 9lb 15.2 oz baby boy we named Logan. He was 23 inches long, blonde and so wonderful. He did wind up with jaundice bad enough to end up back into the hospital for an additional five days. It was heartbreaking and difficult to see my little boy in an incubator, under the lights, and I wasn't allowed to hold him much at that point.
But that didn't matter. He came home and filled our lives with so much love and fun. He was always a very content, happy baby. Made the FUNNIEST faces, always smiled and LOVED to be cuddled and held. He would go to just about anyone, loved his friends and played well with others. He was the center of my world.
When his younger sister came along, he was the most amazing big brother in the world. He told people on the elevator "I'm a big bruzzer now!" He held her for the first time and said "We take baby home now?" He was with her all the time, talking to her, trying to play with her, trying to feed her, he was always so attentive and sweet with her.
When his little brother came, he was even happier. He understood more about how babies worked and he was such a help for me. He loved to hold Grady, and was totally able to help out so much more than he even was after Olivia was born. But it didn't matter. He wanted to help so much. Make them laugh, feed them, just be a good big brother.
Now he's 9. He's a caring, compassionate, patient boy. He's friendly, good natured and loves to laugh. He's healthy, strong and athletic. He's very competitive, but easy going. Logan is a fabulous big brother and tries so hard to help, even though Grady is much too big for him to haul around anymore and he lacks the patience to deal with his sister's demanding for him to play. He'd rather just play on his 3-DS, build Lego or run, run, run.
But siblings fight and under it all, I know he loves his brother and sister immensely. He plays with them when we're out, talks with them, sits with them and watches over them. He's very protective and I doubt in the future anyone will be able to mess with his siblings.
I'm so proud to be his mom, and can't wait to watch him grow into a wonderful man.
***When I find a few photos, or manage to take a couple new ones, I'll post some of him.***
But that didn't matter. He came home and filled our lives with so much love and fun. He was always a very content, happy baby. Made the FUNNIEST faces, always smiled and LOVED to be cuddled and held. He would go to just about anyone, loved his friends and played well with others. He was the center of my world.
When his younger sister came along, he was the most amazing big brother in the world. He told people on the elevator "I'm a big bruzzer now!" He held her for the first time and said "We take baby home now?" He was with her all the time, talking to her, trying to play with her, trying to feed her, he was always so attentive and sweet with her.
When his little brother came, he was even happier. He understood more about how babies worked and he was such a help for me. He loved to hold Grady, and was totally able to help out so much more than he even was after Olivia was born. But it didn't matter. He wanted to help so much. Make them laugh, feed them, just be a good big brother.
Now he's 9. He's a caring, compassionate, patient boy. He's friendly, good natured and loves to laugh. He's healthy, strong and athletic. He's very competitive, but easy going. Logan is a fabulous big brother and tries so hard to help, even though Grady is much too big for him to haul around anymore and he lacks the patience to deal with his sister's demanding for him to play. He'd rather just play on his 3-DS, build Lego or run, run, run.
But siblings fight and under it all, I know he loves his brother and sister immensely. He plays with them when we're out, talks with them, sits with them and watches over them. He's very protective and I doubt in the future anyone will be able to mess with his siblings.
I'm so proud to be his mom, and can't wait to watch him grow into a wonderful man.
***When I find a few photos, or manage to take a couple new ones, I'll post some of him.***
Monday, April 22, 2013
Week One - A New Way Of Thinking
"You are textbook ADHD".
And so starts a new journey. How amazing it can be to hear four little words that can change everything. It changes how I think about myself. It changes how others think about me as well. It makes things seem a lot clearer and make way more sense.
It definitely gives me more hope. I know that I'm smart enough to get a degree, but I lack the focus to follow through. Hopefully, with the medication and therapies, along with help in school, I should be able to make this work. Finally.
For the time being, I'm going to focus on my mental health. Learning how to learn. Learning how to focus, organize and maintain my organization. Writing things down, making sure I follow my lists.
On the medication side of things, I'm pretty sure I feel better. I'm not as irritable as I was. I'm not as flighty as I can be and I find that when I'm in a store, I'm less impulsive. I can focus on my task in the store, get what I need and then get out. It's a nice feeling, feeling like I'm in better control.
The biggest issue with the medication is how I sort of "come down". It is almost like a crash. It's a bit uncomfortable. I'm good and then all of a sudden, BOOM, I'm exhausted. I've been taking some melatonin along with a sleep aid for sleeping and that's helped too. My sleep is much better right now. I'll stop the sleep aid soon and stick with the melatonin. I find that it helps a lot with sleeping. I'm finding it easier to get out of bed already. Whether that has to do with medication or I'm feeling more positive. It's hard to tell. Either way, I'm doing well.
I don't snap at the kids or Jeff as much, that's a nice thing to change. It must be nice for the kids, because they don't have to worry about mommy's moodiness. Hopefully, it will translate into my attention to the home and organizing my house. I admit, I'm tired of clutter and lack of space because of so much stuff. I'd like to start a project and eventually finish it.
So I guess the bottom line is this is a good thing. Not only will this help with my family life, but as well my health and well being. It's a positive step forward and I'm happy with my first week.
Now, onto the next week. This is going to be interesting. Jeff leaves Wednesday, so I have to learn to cope alone now.
And so starts a new journey. How amazing it can be to hear four little words that can change everything. It changes how I think about myself. It changes how others think about me as well. It makes things seem a lot clearer and make way more sense.
It definitely gives me more hope. I know that I'm smart enough to get a degree, but I lack the focus to follow through. Hopefully, with the medication and therapies, along with help in school, I should be able to make this work. Finally.
For the time being, I'm going to focus on my mental health. Learning how to learn. Learning how to focus, organize and maintain my organization. Writing things down, making sure I follow my lists.
On the medication side of things, I'm pretty sure I feel better. I'm not as irritable as I was. I'm not as flighty as I can be and I find that when I'm in a store, I'm less impulsive. I can focus on my task in the store, get what I need and then get out. It's a nice feeling, feeling like I'm in better control.
The biggest issue with the medication is how I sort of "come down". It is almost like a crash. It's a bit uncomfortable. I'm good and then all of a sudden, BOOM, I'm exhausted. I've been taking some melatonin along with a sleep aid for sleeping and that's helped too. My sleep is much better right now. I'll stop the sleep aid soon and stick with the melatonin. I find that it helps a lot with sleeping. I'm finding it easier to get out of bed already. Whether that has to do with medication or I'm feeling more positive. It's hard to tell. Either way, I'm doing well.
I don't snap at the kids or Jeff as much, that's a nice thing to change. It must be nice for the kids, because they don't have to worry about mommy's moodiness. Hopefully, it will translate into my attention to the home and organizing my house. I admit, I'm tired of clutter and lack of space because of so much stuff. I'd like to start a project and eventually finish it.
So I guess the bottom line is this is a good thing. Not only will this help with my family life, but as well my health and well being. It's a positive step forward and I'm happy with my first week.
Now, onto the next week. This is going to be interesting. Jeff leaves Wednesday, so I have to learn to cope alone now.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Day Six - Life Moves Forward
I often find myself spinning out of control, barely able to see the forest through the trees. Three kids, the house, my husband frequently out of town and the multitude of tasks that fall upon my shoulders (not complaining, just stating) and I find that I get overwhelmed very easy. By 8:00 at night, I'm shutting down, rapidly, barely able to stay awake in order to listen for the kids when they go to bed between 8 and 8:30. I should, by rights, be doing some housework around that time, but I find that I rarely have the energy left to be doing it. During the day can be very difficult with the demands that Grady, especially, places on me and the other demands that Logan and Olivia require. I used to have much more energy at night, but recently, that isn't the case.
This weekend, after the diagnosis, the new medication and the few side effects I've experienced, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It might, it might not. But I've been waiting. I've had my parents here visiting from Manitoba, Logan's birthday and lots of fun overall, but still, I wait.
I guess I wait because I think that life will stop, if only for a short time. It hasn't, yet, and I'm hopeful that it won't.
I'm asking myself a lot of questions now. Not just afterwards, like I normally do, but even during the situation at hand.
"Am I slowing down?" "Am I paying attention?" "Am I being a good friend and listening without interrupting?" "Am I repeating myself?" "Do they notice that I'm trying?" "Would they say anything even if they did?" "Do I really need the praise?"
I can answer most of the questions. Though it might not seem like it on the outside, I do feel like I'm slowing down. I feel like I'm talking slower. Not less. Slower. I think that's because in my brain, I feel like I'm slowing down.
I am paying more attention. I'm taking in more information and I'm better able to "file" it where I can replay it later on. I think part of this is just being more aware of what we're discussing and paying better attention. Just being more in the moment instead of drifting off.
I sure am trying to be a good friend. I've always tried to be a good friend, but it's difficult when you're going a thousand miles a minute to show it. I feel like I blow in and blow out like a hurricane sometimes. Being able to process it makes me more aware of it now.
I don't know if anyone noticed. I'm not sure. I hope so, but if not, I'm sure they will soon. If they say something, that would be lovely, but I don't need it. It's an old issue for me to constantly need reassurance that I'm doing a good job. I don't see myself in a positive light all the time and growing up being told that you can do better, and all the other things that go along with that, as much as I was told that I WAS doing well, it wasn't as much as I was being told that I WASN'T doing well. So that's left a mark on me. I'm trying to not need so much affirmation.
Moving into the second week, I've learned a lot. I have a lot more to learn, but so far, it's been a positive process. I have two group therapy groups that I can join up in May and June and those could be really positive as well. One is about learning how to calm oneself, even in a crowded busy situation, not just at night. The other is about loving my weight. Learning how to deal with food. That one is held by the psychologist I saw and a naturopath. I'm excited to check that one out. I realize that right now, I'm definitely in need of weight loss and exercise. It will come with the routine and changes we've already made. I'm working hard in the gym and loving it. It's my time, I can concentrate on my life at that moment and I'm in a safe place. I know not everyone feels like a gym is a "safe" place, but I do. It's Shevaun's time. That doesn't happen often. I'm fine with it, but I have started to understand just how important time for mommy alone really is. I never appreciated it as much as I have in the past month. Even the showering at the gym is a great thing. No kids, no cats, just me and my thoughts. I can sort, shuffle and reassess things, it helps bring down my anxiety because I don't have to worry about being interrupted during an important thought, only to have it pop up later on during a bad moment when being distracted is bad.
So, let's see what the next week will bring. I up my dose for my medication, I continue to go to the gym and I will be on my own. Now the real test begins.
I'm excited.
This weekend, after the diagnosis, the new medication and the few side effects I've experienced, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It might, it might not. But I've been waiting. I've had my parents here visiting from Manitoba, Logan's birthday and lots of fun overall, but still, I wait.
I guess I wait because I think that life will stop, if only for a short time. It hasn't, yet, and I'm hopeful that it won't.
I'm asking myself a lot of questions now. Not just afterwards, like I normally do, but even during the situation at hand.
"Am I slowing down?" "Am I paying attention?" "Am I being a good friend and listening without interrupting?" "Am I repeating myself?" "Do they notice that I'm trying?" "Would they say anything even if they did?" "Do I really need the praise?"
I can answer most of the questions. Though it might not seem like it on the outside, I do feel like I'm slowing down. I feel like I'm talking slower. Not less. Slower. I think that's because in my brain, I feel like I'm slowing down.
I am paying more attention. I'm taking in more information and I'm better able to "file" it where I can replay it later on. I think part of this is just being more aware of what we're discussing and paying better attention. Just being more in the moment instead of drifting off.
I sure am trying to be a good friend. I've always tried to be a good friend, but it's difficult when you're going a thousand miles a minute to show it. I feel like I blow in and blow out like a hurricane sometimes. Being able to process it makes me more aware of it now.
I don't know if anyone noticed. I'm not sure. I hope so, but if not, I'm sure they will soon. If they say something, that would be lovely, but I don't need it. It's an old issue for me to constantly need reassurance that I'm doing a good job. I don't see myself in a positive light all the time and growing up being told that you can do better, and all the other things that go along with that, as much as I was told that I WAS doing well, it wasn't as much as I was being told that I WASN'T doing well. So that's left a mark on me. I'm trying to not need so much affirmation.
Moving into the second week, I've learned a lot. I have a lot more to learn, but so far, it's been a positive process. I have two group therapy groups that I can join up in May and June and those could be really positive as well. One is about learning how to calm oneself, even in a crowded busy situation, not just at night. The other is about loving my weight. Learning how to deal with food. That one is held by the psychologist I saw and a naturopath. I'm excited to check that one out. I realize that right now, I'm definitely in need of weight loss and exercise. It will come with the routine and changes we've already made. I'm working hard in the gym and loving it. It's my time, I can concentrate on my life at that moment and I'm in a safe place. I know not everyone feels like a gym is a "safe" place, but I do. It's Shevaun's time. That doesn't happen often. I'm fine with it, but I have started to understand just how important time for mommy alone really is. I never appreciated it as much as I have in the past month. Even the showering at the gym is a great thing. No kids, no cats, just me and my thoughts. I can sort, shuffle and reassess things, it helps bring down my anxiety because I don't have to worry about being interrupted during an important thought, only to have it pop up later on during a bad moment when being distracted is bad.
So, let's see what the next week will bring. I up my dose for my medication, I continue to go to the gym and I will be on my own. Now the real test begins.
I'm excited.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Day Four - Could It Be Working Already?
Today's been a good day. Busy, for sure, but good.
The morning went smoothly, my friend's three little ones were fantastic. The littlest one cried a couple times, but with some soothing and quiet, she was good. It was just overwhelming for her when both my kids came up to her and were loud!
After the three little ones left, I took Grady and Olivia out to get their hair cut and some little extras for Logan's party tomorrow. When I went to get the hair cut done, I had to wait an extra hour and a half, so I got the shopping done, then we went for a drive and a snack.
The hair cut was busy. Grady was pretty good, let her do it easily for the most part. She put some blue in his hair and he was done. Olivia's hair took a lot longer and Grady spent the better part of the session playing on the floor with the toys the hair cut salon were trying to sell. But they didn't seem to perturbed about it.
After the hair cuts were done, I figured Grady needed a nap and as far as I knew, Logan wasn't home yet, so I headed out to pick up Logan at his buddy's house. Had a nice conversation with his buddy's mom and then came back.
During the time with the extra kids, there was a point where Olivia and the two older boys wanted to go outside, but their little sister was upset by it. Grady took her boots from her and then there was a big blow up. At one point, I had a two and almost three year old screaming in my ear. Normally at that point, I have irritation bubbling up in my stomach, getting ready to help me blow up, but this time, nothing. I mean, I just took the little ones, went to the couch and sat down with them until they settled down. Suddenly, I realized "I'm not ready to freak out. Could the medication be working already?" I admit, I was pleasantly surprised.
The past two days, I've experienced different side effects, but nothing that a little Tylenol or Advil couldn't help with headaches, I've felt a little disembodied, but overall, calmer. If this is only on 18 mgs, how good will it be when I'm on my full dosage in two weeks?!
Now, to get into place good habits, better organization skills and more positive thought, and I'll be on the right track, for certain. It's all very encouraging and I'm feeling positive.
Might go do a little work out at the gym tonight. Just to reward myself for my good behaviour!
The morning went smoothly, my friend's three little ones were fantastic. The littlest one cried a couple times, but with some soothing and quiet, she was good. It was just overwhelming for her when both my kids came up to her and were loud!
After the three little ones left, I took Grady and Olivia out to get their hair cut and some little extras for Logan's party tomorrow. When I went to get the hair cut done, I had to wait an extra hour and a half, so I got the shopping done, then we went for a drive and a snack.
The hair cut was busy. Grady was pretty good, let her do it easily for the most part. She put some blue in his hair and he was done. Olivia's hair took a lot longer and Grady spent the better part of the session playing on the floor with the toys the hair cut salon were trying to sell. But they didn't seem to perturbed about it.
After the hair cuts were done, I figured Grady needed a nap and as far as I knew, Logan wasn't home yet, so I headed out to pick up Logan at his buddy's house. Had a nice conversation with his buddy's mom and then came back.
During the time with the extra kids, there was a point where Olivia and the two older boys wanted to go outside, but their little sister was upset by it. Grady took her boots from her and then there was a big blow up. At one point, I had a two and almost three year old screaming in my ear. Normally at that point, I have irritation bubbling up in my stomach, getting ready to help me blow up, but this time, nothing. I mean, I just took the little ones, went to the couch and sat down with them until they settled down. Suddenly, I realized "I'm not ready to freak out. Could the medication be working already?" I admit, I was pleasantly surprised.
The past two days, I've experienced different side effects, but nothing that a little Tylenol or Advil couldn't help with headaches, I've felt a little disembodied, but overall, calmer. If this is only on 18 mgs, how good will it be when I'm on my full dosage in two weeks?!
Now, to get into place good habits, better organization skills and more positive thought, and I'll be on the right track, for certain. It's all very encouraging and I'm feeling positive.
Might go do a little work out at the gym tonight. Just to reward myself for my good behaviour!
Overwhelmed
The title of this sounds so much like it's going to be a negative post. But it's not really. It's mostly just going to be a post about what happens in my brain, like on a morning like today. And how easily it can overwhelm me if I don't break it down in pieces. How I deal with it!
I woke up this morning thinking about the multitude of tasks I need to accomplish today. Cat litter, laundry, dishes, bathroom, general cleaning and I am helping a friend out with her three little ones who are coming to play with Olivia and Grady. The little kids are wonderful! They are the sweetest little kids and I doubt it will be difficult. The chores though, I'm having a bit of difficulty with motivation. I also know that once I start, I will get plenty done. But first, I need to start. It is a PD day for our school, so we're down a kid, he's sleeping over at his buddy's house for a birthday. Add to it that my parents arrive in Edmonton this evening, we start swimming lessons for all three kids tomorrow and Logan's party is in the afternoon. After that we're going out for dinner with my parents, it's a lot to absorb, especially with how this past week has been.
My day starts with a loud little voice coming out of his bedroom "Let me out of here! Mommy! Daddy! Hug me!" Once he said "Hug me!" I was out of bed getting him. He sounded so sad. And he has a cold. Olivia came up, got Grady and brought him downstairs to watch TV. He got into the fridge and took out an entire box of Iogo tubes. So, then I had to officially get out of bed.
So far, I've made my coffee, fed the kids and then sat in front of my computer wanting to post something.
I do have other things on my mind. Important things, but things I can't deal with today. I really want to go back to school soon. But the big question is, can I do it through distance education or should I go back into a classroom? The first course I want to take, a math course, it's through distance education, and I'm fairly certain I can do that easily. The next three are Biology and two anatomy courses. Then I get into the proper programming.
Distance Education seems a bit daunting to me. My focus lacks in so many areas, but when I apply to the school and explain my situation, I'm hoping they will be willing to assist me and work with my difficulties. I'm certain they will, but of course, the worry wart in me rears it's ugly head and I have cope with the worries, while trying to work out the solution. I can make time easily in the evenings, and perhaps we can look into a couple days of daycare for Grady in order for me to get time to go to the library, or stay home and do work.
If I need to go into the classroom, then other complications arise. We have a time frame for me to work in, and it's basically because we really want Jeff to come home and work. Right now, the plan is for me to take until Grady is in Grade 1 so that I can be in the classroom by term 3. Logan will be in Grade 7 and will be able to bring his siblings home from school and be alone for a couple hours if need be.
I think, however, we're becoming a bit more eager to get Jeff home. I know Jeff is tired of being up north all the time, and I know that oftentimes I wish he were home more often too. But if I go into the classroom sooner than planned, then we need to arrange childcare. And that gets expensive. Full time care for a toddler starts around 700$ and go as high as 1020$. That's a bit much for us, even though Jeff does well.
I'm thinking we need to find a compromise. Perhaps I start, Grady goes into part time care, two days a week, and when he's in pre-kindergarten, we investigate him being in after school care for pre-k and kindergarten.
Funny how putting this all in writing looks like a lot. It's actually almost overwhelming to see it down on a page. But it's also oddly soothing. There are many other things that run through my brain, like how we want to buy our condo, how we can do that, and then all the little things. Sometimes, I can shut out other stuff and focus on one or two things and then suddenly, one of the kids brings up something small, like a field trip or Jeff talks about the condo, and suddenly I tailspin. It's like I get full up with thoughts and I can't take one more. I know we all feel that way though. I blow up sometimes when the extra stuff bombards me. I am sort of like "I can't take one more thing!" But then I breathe, work it out, split it up and go on to the next thought.
It's day by day and with my diet and exercise changes, I have already been making positive progress. With blogging, therapy and the medications, I can only do better and move up with life. And that feels good.
I woke up this morning thinking about the multitude of tasks I need to accomplish today. Cat litter, laundry, dishes, bathroom, general cleaning and I am helping a friend out with her three little ones who are coming to play with Olivia and Grady. The little kids are wonderful! They are the sweetest little kids and I doubt it will be difficult. The chores though, I'm having a bit of difficulty with motivation. I also know that once I start, I will get plenty done. But first, I need to start. It is a PD day for our school, so we're down a kid, he's sleeping over at his buddy's house for a birthday. Add to it that my parents arrive in Edmonton this evening, we start swimming lessons for all three kids tomorrow and Logan's party is in the afternoon. After that we're going out for dinner with my parents, it's a lot to absorb, especially with how this past week has been.
My day starts with a loud little voice coming out of his bedroom "Let me out of here! Mommy! Daddy! Hug me!" Once he said "Hug me!" I was out of bed getting him. He sounded so sad. And he has a cold. Olivia came up, got Grady and brought him downstairs to watch TV. He got into the fridge and took out an entire box of Iogo tubes. So, then I had to officially get out of bed.
So far, I've made my coffee, fed the kids and then sat in front of my computer wanting to post something.
I do have other things on my mind. Important things, but things I can't deal with today. I really want to go back to school soon. But the big question is, can I do it through distance education or should I go back into a classroom? The first course I want to take, a math course, it's through distance education, and I'm fairly certain I can do that easily. The next three are Biology and two anatomy courses. Then I get into the proper programming.
Distance Education seems a bit daunting to me. My focus lacks in so many areas, but when I apply to the school and explain my situation, I'm hoping they will be willing to assist me and work with my difficulties. I'm certain they will, but of course, the worry wart in me rears it's ugly head and I have cope with the worries, while trying to work out the solution. I can make time easily in the evenings, and perhaps we can look into a couple days of daycare for Grady in order for me to get time to go to the library, or stay home and do work.
If I need to go into the classroom, then other complications arise. We have a time frame for me to work in, and it's basically because we really want Jeff to come home and work. Right now, the plan is for me to take until Grady is in Grade 1 so that I can be in the classroom by term 3. Logan will be in Grade 7 and will be able to bring his siblings home from school and be alone for a couple hours if need be.
I think, however, we're becoming a bit more eager to get Jeff home. I know Jeff is tired of being up north all the time, and I know that oftentimes I wish he were home more often too. But if I go into the classroom sooner than planned, then we need to arrange childcare. And that gets expensive. Full time care for a toddler starts around 700$ and go as high as 1020$. That's a bit much for us, even though Jeff does well.
I'm thinking we need to find a compromise. Perhaps I start, Grady goes into part time care, two days a week, and when he's in pre-kindergarten, we investigate him being in after school care for pre-k and kindergarten.
Funny how putting this all in writing looks like a lot. It's actually almost overwhelming to see it down on a page. But it's also oddly soothing. There are many other things that run through my brain, like how we want to buy our condo, how we can do that, and then all the little things. Sometimes, I can shut out other stuff and focus on one or two things and then suddenly, one of the kids brings up something small, like a field trip or Jeff talks about the condo, and suddenly I tailspin. It's like I get full up with thoughts and I can't take one more. I know we all feel that way though. I blow up sometimes when the extra stuff bombards me. I am sort of like "I can't take one more thing!" But then I breathe, work it out, split it up and go on to the next thought.
It's day by day and with my diet and exercise changes, I have already been making positive progress. With blogging, therapy and the medications, I can only do better and move up with life. And that feels good.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Logan
As I mentioned in my first post, the reason I went so far as to be checked for ADHD was because I was in the process of getting my almost nine year old assessed for ADD as well. Today, we received a few answers and they were good.
A psychologist observed Logan in class. She says there definitely are some attention issues, but nothing that warrants him into medication or anything like that. What we will do is work with him. They will give the teachers some strategies to work with him and help him work better and more efficiently on his part. This will include giving him breaks during longer tasks, helping him learn to recognize when he's wandering in his mind and help him learn to bring it back to focus, and give him more time to complete tasks.
Logan is a very smart kid. He just needs a bit more attention on him and a bit more oversight while he's doing what he is supposed to be doing. I'm hoping we've caught it soon enough and he will be getting the understanding and support he needs while in school. It gets him onto their radar so that if something comes up in the future, say grade 6, they will have much of his background and know that this has been an issue for a while. I just really don't want him to go through what I went through as a kid in school. So smart, so good, but underachieving. My self confidence and self esteem was brutally low. He doesn't need that.
So...a plan in place, no medication on the horizon and we're on the right track. We'd been doing a lot of the things they had suggested, but not as consistently as we could have been.
Time to move forward. For both Logan and I.
A psychologist observed Logan in class. She says there definitely are some attention issues, but nothing that warrants him into medication or anything like that. What we will do is work with him. They will give the teachers some strategies to work with him and help him work better and more efficiently on his part. This will include giving him breaks during longer tasks, helping him learn to recognize when he's wandering in his mind and help him learn to bring it back to focus, and give him more time to complete tasks.
Logan is a very smart kid. He just needs a bit more attention on him and a bit more oversight while he's doing what he is supposed to be doing. I'm hoping we've caught it soon enough and he will be getting the understanding and support he needs while in school. It gets him onto their radar so that if something comes up in the future, say grade 6, they will have much of his background and know that this has been an issue for a while. I just really don't want him to go through what I went through as a kid in school. So smart, so good, but underachieving. My self confidence and self esteem was brutally low. He doesn't need that.
So...a plan in place, no medication on the horizon and we're on the right track. We'd been doing a lot of the things they had suggested, but not as consistently as we could have been.
Time to move forward. For both Logan and I.
Day Three - Still New at This
Day three. Sort of seems to be going by fast. I'm not sure about what's going on with the meds, but it hasn't been too hard. A bit of an upset stomach, headache. Nothing I can't handle.
I'm finding that I don't want to eat as much. Until the medication wears off. Then I want to eat. So I'm going to have to figure out how to make this all work out. But it's good that I'm not eating as much and I am eating healthier. It's going to be all about balance. And right now, I'm not so good at it. It will be another challenge, but I'm willing to face it. I have plenty of support.
I've started researching diets for ADHD adults. It's pretty much the same as a diet you'd give a kid. Just for an adult. I called my dietician to go see her in June, so hopefully she can give me some pointers. Who knows where I will be at that point anyway. I like her a lot and I need to check in with her anyway, so it's worth the trip.
Otherwise, still new but starting to sink in a bit. I'm not sure what next week will bring, but this week is busy. My parents come to town tomorrow, Logan's ninth birthday party is on Saturday, then some shopping and visiting with my parents. Next week might be a bit more difficult. By then, it will probably sink in and I'll need a day to absorb it all. I hope that happens before Jeff leaves!
I'm finding that I don't want to eat as much. Until the medication wears off. Then I want to eat. So I'm going to have to figure out how to make this all work out. But it's good that I'm not eating as much and I am eating healthier. It's going to be all about balance. And right now, I'm not so good at it. It will be another challenge, but I'm willing to face it. I have plenty of support.
I've started researching diets for ADHD adults. It's pretty much the same as a diet you'd give a kid. Just for an adult. I called my dietician to go see her in June, so hopefully she can give me some pointers. Who knows where I will be at that point anyway. I like her a lot and I need to check in with her anyway, so it's worth the trip.
Otherwise, still new but starting to sink in a bit. I'm not sure what next week will bring, but this week is busy. My parents come to town tomorrow, Logan's ninth birthday party is on Saturday, then some shopping and visiting with my parents. Next week might be a bit more difficult. By then, it will probably sink in and I'll need a day to absorb it all. I hope that happens before Jeff leaves!
"I Don't Know How You Do It!"
Many times in the past seven years, I've heard from other moms, "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't do it on my own like that!"
When someone says to me, "I don't know how you do it!" I tell them, "I get up, take my meds, get my coffee and move forward for the day!" They chuckle, because it's a joke.
But it's not. I really do that. Every single day. When I say it, I say it with a laugh, because I need to joke about it. I need to make light of some of what I go through because there are days I don't know how I do it. I don't wake up in the morning and say "Okay, this is how the day is going to go..." I wake up saying "I wonder what today will bring me...." Which makes life exciting. But it makes life scary sometimes too. I say that because I have children, and they are active, happy, inquisitive, fun kids. However, a lot of the time, I wake up not knowing how my day will go because I don't know how I will be that day. That's tough on everyone in our home, not just me.
It's going to be a case of learning how to almost live again. I can make changes, but I'm terrible at maintaining the changes. My lack of willpower will pop up occasionally and then I get pouty if it doesn't go my way. I get over it pretty fast though, so I guess that's a good thing. The pouty thing sure isn't though. I look like an idiot then. A 34 year old woman, pouting. Sheesh.
I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me. Or feel bad for what they say. I'm awesome at smiling and nodding or saying politely, "I'm very lucky to have a husband who is able to help, even from a distance." And they are right...it isn't easy. I struggle a lot, day to day, on my own. I'm extremely thankful for the fact that I have a husband willing to be so helpful, honest and understanding. He makes things that overwhelm me easier to deal with. I know he gets frustrated and upset with me often over the mental and health issues, but he never makes me feel like it's terrible for him. I'm positive it's not easy, but he manages it with grace and dignity. And humor...always with humor. He calls me "Drugs Bunny" and talks about my pill "breakfast" I take daily. He makes me smile and laugh!
When someone says to me, "I don't know how you do it!" I tell them, "I get up, take my meds, get my coffee and move forward for the day!" They chuckle, because it's a joke.
But it's not. I really do that. Every single day. When I say it, I say it with a laugh, because I need to joke about it. I need to make light of some of what I go through because there are days I don't know how I do it. I don't wake up in the morning and say "Okay, this is how the day is going to go..." I wake up saying "I wonder what today will bring me...." Which makes life exciting. But it makes life scary sometimes too. I say that because I have children, and they are active, happy, inquisitive, fun kids. However, a lot of the time, I wake up not knowing how my day will go because I don't know how I will be that day. That's tough on everyone in our home, not just me.
It's going to be a case of learning how to almost live again. I can make changes, but I'm terrible at maintaining the changes. My lack of willpower will pop up occasionally and then I get pouty if it doesn't go my way. I get over it pretty fast though, so I guess that's a good thing. The pouty thing sure isn't though. I look like an idiot then. A 34 year old woman, pouting. Sheesh.
I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me. Or feel bad for what they say. I'm awesome at smiling and nodding or saying politely, "I'm very lucky to have a husband who is able to help, even from a distance." And they are right...it isn't easy. I struggle a lot, day to day, on my own. I'm extremely thankful for the fact that I have a husband willing to be so helpful, honest and understanding. He makes things that overwhelm me easier to deal with. I know he gets frustrated and upset with me often over the mental and health issues, but he never makes me feel like it's terrible for him. I'm positive it's not easy, but he manages it with grace and dignity. And humor...always with humor. He calls me "Drugs Bunny" and talks about my pill "breakfast" I take daily. He makes me smile and laugh!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Support, Love and Understanding
What do we all need in our lives? We need support, love and understanding.
I'm lucky. I have all of the above. I have something that a lot of people who are going through a mental illness or learning disability that many others going through the same situation as I am don't have.
I have a Jeff.
I have a Patti and Rick .
I have a Grant and Darlene.
I have a Kait and Erin.
I have a Brandy and Russel.
I have a Robin and Dusty.
I have many friends who support and love me, regardless of my "issues".
I have access to good health care, relatively inexpensive medications and fantastic doctors.
I have access to information and resources.
I have support from all sides of my world.
I have love coming from all over the country.
I have understanding from all corners.
Now, in this new and overwhelming time, all I need is just a little bit more support, love and understanding. I need a little honesty. I need someone to say "you're straying a bit. How are you feeling?" I need a little extra help. I need a little extra encouragement.
In the past few days, as I've posted and spoken about my ADHD, I've gotten a range of responses. Only one negative. The rest have been "Oh wow! I had no idea!" to "I'm really glad you're talking about this!" Any comments about medication and other ideas have been purely out of concern and how they wish to help. And I appreciate it all. Never fear to offend me. I'm an open book.
And I need a little more confidence. I will need the water wings and life preservers taken off and forced to drown a little bit. I'm going to need to just sink or swim a couple times, but I will need someone to be available to save me once in a while. But I know, that in my times of being overwhelmed and unsure, I will have someone nearby to pull me up, and that's what I need most. Just the knowledge that someone is there.
Day Two - "ADHD is a fake illness!!" (This one is a bit long)
I knew I'd encounter this at SOME point, but I never realized it would be so soon. I'm not offended. I mean, let's face it, like I said, I knew this was coming.
It was this morning, when I talked to some women I'd become friendly with at my gym. They knew I had the appointment, so I thought I'd update them.
I'm glad she had this response. It means I get to approach this with a reason, and information. I spent some of my time in the gym, on the stationary bike in the women's room, researching and commenting. I learned a lot of interesting facts today. I admit, much of it was from Wikipedia and I know that's not the end all, be all of information, that there are mistakes and such, but what I like about Wikipedia is that they cover it in terms that I can understand. It's listed out in a plausible, informative way and if I doubt any other information, I can look it up independently.
But, as usual, I digress.
She said to me "ADHD is a fake diagnosis! You can handle that kind of stuff with diet and exercise!"
I said to her with a chuckle, "It's very real in me!"
ADHD is not a new thing. This has been around for a very long time, and was recognized as an issue as far back as the 1798, and was classified as "mental restlessness". In the early 1900's the underlying condition was recognized in the early 1900's. By 1930's, they were finding out the efficacy of medications in the disorder and ADHD in adults was researched in the 1970's. So this isn't a "new" diagnosis by any means.
I believe there is a lot of rhetoric in the world regarding ADHD and how it's been diagnosed in the past. I agree that it could have been over-diagnosed by overzealous doctors and psychiatrists, and not every child or adult diagnosed with ADHD or ADD fit the criteria. Obviously, pharmaceutical companies will jump on anything that can be treated with a pill and help them make money. That's a big unfortunate side effect of the pharmaceutical mentality we live in at this point in history. But looking back on history, we've always tried to find effective treatments for maladies. In the late 1800's and early 1900's, the medications given to children for teething would make a mother's hair curl in this century. Morphine, heroin and even cocaine were used just simply to calm a child who was teething. I don't think that medication should be tossed at every single malady we have or even just claim to have, but they definitely have their places in their lives. It's up to us to be diligent and stand up for our own medical well being. It never hurts to do a bit of research on your medications. Don't ever just blindly follow a physician just because they are a physician. It never hurts to question.
Diet and exercise will definitely help. There is a correlation between obesity and ADHD. Why would that be, you might wonder? Because people with ADHD have little impulse control. Here's my example: I will feel stressed out. Kids are crazy, hormones might be rushing, phone's been ringing, cats are puking on the floor, laundry is piling up, and I'm severely overwhelmed. My answer to this is to call my darling dear husband and say "I need a snack night. Can I take 30 dollars and go to Safeway?" He says yes, I go there with the kiddles in tow and buy 6 cinnamon buns, two bags of chips (because I couldn't decide which I want more) and whatever other junk catches my fancy. Then I come home, turn on the TV, put the kids down and chow down. I might not eat it all, but I will demolish at the minimum 2 cinnamon buns, one whole big bag of chips and probably a couple cans of pop. This can go on for a couple of days.
You're reading that going, "WOW! That's a lot of food!" It sure is. And it sucks afterwards. My stomach hurts, I feel like crud, but I know in a couple of months, I'll do it again. I'm diabetic and somehow doing this with my diet hasn't affected my A1C numbers the way I thought they would this winter. However, I have binged on veggies and dip before. I figure that's healthier. But impulse control is a big deal for me. Shopping, eating, many things. I can easily eat a whole cheesecake. Or a pie...it's not hard.
I always have good intentions with things. I love to knit. I can knit fairly well. But if I start something, like a dish cloth for instance, something relatively quick and easy, once I've started, I don't want to stop. It's such an obsession to do it until it's done. If it's a bigger project, like a blanket, I'll do a lot of it, but I probably won't finish it for two or three years. And keep in mind...I love to knit. It's fun for me!
I get lost in the quagmire of housework. I can clean a house. I can clean it well. I will have one day of just rapid cleaning, doing the whole house. I won't just do one room. I start laundry, get through tons and tons, and then ... stop. Dead. I won't wash another stitch of laundry for two weeks. I'll do dishes only when they are absolutely needed. I may not sweep the floor for two or three days. And washing the floor...whatever. The kids need to be antibacterial anyway.
I'm going to copy and paste this directly from Wikipedia. I want to list the symptoms of an adult with ADHD.
These are the symptoms for Inattentive ADHD:
In adults, these evolve into:[12]
It was this morning, when I talked to some women I'd become friendly with at my gym. They knew I had the appointment, so I thought I'd update them.
I'm glad she had this response. It means I get to approach this with a reason, and information. I spent some of my time in the gym, on the stationary bike in the women's room, researching and commenting. I learned a lot of interesting facts today. I admit, much of it was from Wikipedia and I know that's not the end all, be all of information, that there are mistakes and such, but what I like about Wikipedia is that they cover it in terms that I can understand. It's listed out in a plausible, informative way and if I doubt any other information, I can look it up independently.
But, as usual, I digress.
She said to me "ADHD is a fake diagnosis! You can handle that kind of stuff with diet and exercise!"
I said to her with a chuckle, "It's very real in me!"
ADHD is not a new thing. This has been around for a very long time, and was recognized as an issue as far back as the 1798, and was classified as "mental restlessness". In the early 1900's the underlying condition was recognized in the early 1900's. By 1930's, they were finding out the efficacy of medications in the disorder and ADHD in adults was researched in the 1970's. So this isn't a "new" diagnosis by any means.
I believe there is a lot of rhetoric in the world regarding ADHD and how it's been diagnosed in the past. I agree that it could have been over-diagnosed by overzealous doctors and psychiatrists, and not every child or adult diagnosed with ADHD or ADD fit the criteria. Obviously, pharmaceutical companies will jump on anything that can be treated with a pill and help them make money. That's a big unfortunate side effect of the pharmaceutical mentality we live in at this point in history. But looking back on history, we've always tried to find effective treatments for maladies. In the late 1800's and early 1900's, the medications given to children for teething would make a mother's hair curl in this century. Morphine, heroin and even cocaine were used just simply to calm a child who was teething. I don't think that medication should be tossed at every single malady we have or even just claim to have, but they definitely have their places in their lives. It's up to us to be diligent and stand up for our own medical well being. It never hurts to do a bit of research on your medications. Don't ever just blindly follow a physician just because they are a physician. It never hurts to question.
Diet and exercise will definitely help. There is a correlation between obesity and ADHD. Why would that be, you might wonder? Because people with ADHD have little impulse control. Here's my example: I will feel stressed out. Kids are crazy, hormones might be rushing, phone's been ringing, cats are puking on the floor, laundry is piling up, and I'm severely overwhelmed. My answer to this is to call my darling dear husband and say "I need a snack night. Can I take 30 dollars and go to Safeway?" He says yes, I go there with the kiddles in tow and buy 6 cinnamon buns, two bags of chips (because I couldn't decide which I want more) and whatever other junk catches my fancy. Then I come home, turn on the TV, put the kids down and chow down. I might not eat it all, but I will demolish at the minimum 2 cinnamon buns, one whole big bag of chips and probably a couple cans of pop. This can go on for a couple of days.
You're reading that going, "WOW! That's a lot of food!" It sure is. And it sucks afterwards. My stomach hurts, I feel like crud, but I know in a couple of months, I'll do it again. I'm diabetic and somehow doing this with my diet hasn't affected my A1C numbers the way I thought they would this winter. However, I have binged on veggies and dip before. I figure that's healthier. But impulse control is a big deal for me. Shopping, eating, many things. I can easily eat a whole cheesecake. Or a pie...it's not hard.
I always have good intentions with things. I love to knit. I can knit fairly well. But if I start something, like a dish cloth for instance, something relatively quick and easy, once I've started, I don't want to stop. It's such an obsession to do it until it's done. If it's a bigger project, like a blanket, I'll do a lot of it, but I probably won't finish it for two or three years. And keep in mind...I love to knit. It's fun for me!
I get lost in the quagmire of housework. I can clean a house. I can clean it well. I will have one day of just rapid cleaning, doing the whole house. I won't just do one room. I start laundry, get through tons and tons, and then ... stop. Dead. I won't wash another stitch of laundry for two weeks. I'll do dishes only when they are absolutely needed. I may not sweep the floor for two or three days. And washing the floor...whatever. The kids need to be antibacterial anyway.
I'm going to copy and paste this directly from Wikipedia. I want to list the symptoms of an adult with ADHD.
These are the symptoms for Inattentive ADHD:
In adults, these evolve into:[12]
- Procrastination
- Indecision, difficulty recalling and organizing details required for a task
- Poor time management, losing track of time
- Avoiding tasks or jobs that require sustained attention
- Difficulty initiating tasks
- Difficulty completing and following through on tasks
- Difficulty multitasking
- Difficulty shifting attention from one task to another
These are the symptoms for Hyperactive/Impulsive Type ADHD
In adults:
- Chooses highly active, stimulating jobs
- Avoids situations with low physical activity or sedentary work
- May choose to work long hours or two jobs
- Seeks constant activity
- Easily bored
- Impatient
- Intolerant to frustration, easily irritated
- Impulsive, snap decisions and irresponsible behaviors
- Loses temper easily, angers quickly
I fit the Hyperactive/Impulsive Type almost to a "T". I want to be an LPN for a living. It's not exactly a low activity type job, especially if in the future I make it to an ER. That won't happen until I've had way more training though. I don't like jobs where I sit around. They drive me bats. But I can sit around at home. I get too overwhelmed by the tasks. I love activity. I love doing something, I work hard at trying to convince Jeff we should go out. To the park, shopping, a movie, anything to be out of the house. I'm impatient. I know I am...if I want something, I want it now. I will go into debt for something if I want it right away. But I don't because I have Jeff to support me and stop me. I get frustrated and irritated SO easily. Someone breathing too loud, rattling paper, chewing too loudly, drive me to insanity. if I'm cranky, I'm super cranky. Oddly enough, I can turn it off in public. That's not good for my kids though. Very impulsive. I love to shop...like seriously. You read about my eating, it's almost as bad for my shopping. I've improved greatly on my own with that, thinking about how much Jeff makes and how long it takes him to earn it. If it's my money though, it's MY money. I earned it, I'm going to spend it how I please. I really should be paying things off to help my husband, and I WANT to help, but that impulse... I lose my temper with my kids and husband a lot. It would surprise people how much I yell. And it has come out in public with the kids, just like any parent, but I'm very aware of it. I am trying to learn to just breathe before overreacting. And every single thing that I do, I do aware of the consequences, but sometimes, can't stop myself. And then I feel guilty. Like...beat myself up to the point of tears guilty. I definitely don't need someone to get mad at me. I do just fine on my own. It's a TERRIBLE spiral.
I fit the Inattentive part of ADHD as well. Read it, it's like reading about me. And these aren't things I can just make go away. It takes a lot of mental work for me to achieve even one task to be done. I can sure start something, but the chances of my finishing it is nadda. It's frustrating to people, I know. It makes me sound lazy, inconsiderate and rude. I'm not any of those. When I'm working, I work hard. Lazy is a good description of me, but I can't figure out why I'm lazy sometimes. The drive just simply isn't there. If someone ever called me inconsiderate to my face, I'd die. I'd curl up in a big ball and cry my heart out. I think of all my friends and family as much as possible. I'd give you the shirt of my back to help you. I rarely say no. I want to help, I want to be there and be supportive. And rude...that's another one that would just crush me if I were called rude. But when I butt into conversations and get louder and louder to be heard, I AM being rude. I KNOW I'm being rude. But how do you say that without sounding stupid as well!!
I've managed a lot of coping strategies to get by in life with my ADHD and anxiety. Laughing at myself and being self deprecating is one of them. Sort of a "get them before they get you" kind of mentality, but in the "get you before they get you" way of thinking. I wonder often what's wrong with me. I ask the question of someone and they say "nothing at all. You're wonderful!" And then they make fun of me for my talking, or my lack of motivation in keeping my house clean.
Telling someone that this is a fake diagnosis isn't a very nice thing to do. If it were someone other than someone like me, who is very open minded and understanding, it could be devastating to their mental health. For a person who is already feeling bad about themselves, questioning their own mental health, wondering what's wrong with them, and doesn't feel confident in what's already going on around them, it could tip them to something they shouldn't do. Adults with ADHD have a higher incidence of substance abuse, divorces, poor job performance.
A little understanding and empathy can go a long way with a person who is suffering from any mental illness or learning disability. Just be cautious what you say.
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