Positivity

“Before you can successfully make friends with others, first you have to become your own friend.” 
― Stephen Richards

This resounds with me strongly.  Especially right now, while I'm making big changes in my life.  I've always had a tough time being friends with myself, but often had little trouble making friends with others.  I have compared myself with other people, trying to figure out who I am, where I belong, when *my* time will come.

*My* time won't come unless I make it come.  Unless I look forward, into the future, hold my head up high and say "I can do this."  Finding out I had ADHD, I faced the reality that I had another hill to climb.  Another height to reach.

I've been here before.  These mountains have rarely beaten me.

In February of 2011, I was diagnosed having type 2 diabetes.  I was really upset.  I knew the risk factors; family history, being overweight, having had two pregnancies where I was a gestational diabetic.  I knew that I was at risk, and at that point had made a decision to start moving forward, making changes and trying not to wind up as a type 2 diabetic.  I didn't make it.  I thought I had more time.  I was wrong.

I used my diabetes as a way to look at what I am doing with my life, body, diet, exercise.  The whole thing.  I looked at it as an opportunity to teach my children good eating habits, exercising more often and making sure they never had to deal with diabetes and obesity themselves.  I made sure they ate properly, went out and played.  I tried to do it myself for me too, went to the specialists, talked to my family doctor, nodded and smiled.  I couldn't make it work though.  I felt like a failure.  What I didn't realize, there was an underlying problem.  Another mountain to climb.  Another road block.  View it as you want, but my undiagnosed ADHD was holding me back.

Before the diabetes, I was diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder.  If you read my last blog, you'll know that I had a hard hill to climb there.  Through therapy, talking, taking my medication regularly, I have managed to get through the fog of the anxiety and recognize that I needed to rethink how I lived.  Most people have always thought me a very happy, easy going, patient woman.  And for the most part, I am.  What people didn't know is that inside of me, I had a seething, roiling stomach, a tight, sore chest and my heart raced all the time.  I didn't know what was wrong.  I figured it out and I made things better.

Now, I face one more obstacle in my path.  ADHD is a biggie.  It's also the source for many of my issues.  It's not the SOLE cause.  I HAVE to take some responsibility for my own actions, of course.  I would overeat, sit on the couch and my weight rose.  I lost faith in my own ability to learn, and I gave up on school.  I thought that I would be forever caught in the web of low earning jobs and never being able to really contribute to our family's financial needs.  The odd thing is, I've never questioned my intelligence.  I know I'm smart.  I'm quite intelligent, I enjoy learning and I remember things readily for the most part.  I'm a fount of useless knowledge and I do well at games like Trivial Pursuit.  Although I hate math, but when faced with a math equation, I can work it out either in my head or on paper.  I love politics, religion, just about anything that tickles my fancy.  When I'm totally engaged, I do really well.  However, being totally engaged is a very rare thing for me indeed.

So what now?  Well, I take my meds, focus on what I'm doing for that moment, and take a moment and think "How am I doing right now?"  And if I think I can do better, then I move forward and do better.  Why bother focusing on what I *might* have done.  Why not focus on what I *can* do?  I also have to learn to ask for help.  And not for something minor, but for the big things.  Not to take it all on my shoulders and try to carry the load entirely.  I've mentioned in past posts, I'm blessed with a strong, supportive network of friends and family.  I'm rarely lacking help, but find it most difficult to ask for help.  I really don't want to put anyone out, and I'll struggle.

I found one more quote that I found really inspiring.  Here it is to share:

“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we ALL lived that way??