I often find myself spinning out of control, barely able to see the forest through the trees. Three kids, the house, my husband frequently out of town and the multitude of tasks that fall upon my shoulders (not complaining, just stating) and I find that I get overwhelmed very easy. By 8:00 at night, I'm shutting down, rapidly, barely able to stay awake in order to listen for the kids when they go to bed between 8 and 8:30. I should, by rights, be doing some housework around that time, but I find that I rarely have the energy left to be doing it. During the day can be very difficult with the demands that Grady, especially, places on me and the other demands that Logan and Olivia require. I used to have much more energy at night, but recently, that isn't the case.
This weekend, after the diagnosis, the new medication and the few side effects I've experienced, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It might, it might not. But I've been waiting. I've had my parents here visiting from Manitoba, Logan's birthday and lots of fun overall, but still, I wait.
I guess I wait because I think that life will stop, if only for a short time. It hasn't, yet, and I'm hopeful that it won't.
I'm asking myself a lot of questions now. Not just afterwards, like I normally do, but even during the situation at hand.
"Am I slowing down?" "Am I paying attention?" "Am I being a good friend and listening without interrupting?" "Am I repeating myself?" "Do they notice that I'm trying?" "Would they say anything even if they did?" "Do I really need the praise?"
I can answer most of the questions. Though it might not seem like it on the outside, I do feel like I'm slowing down. I feel like I'm talking slower. Not less. Slower. I think that's because in my brain, I feel like I'm slowing down.
I am paying more attention. I'm taking in more information and I'm better able to "file" it where I can replay it later on. I think part of this is just being more aware of what we're discussing and paying better attention. Just being more in the moment instead of drifting off.
I sure am trying to be a good friend. I've always tried to be a good friend, but it's difficult when you're going a thousand miles a minute to show it. I feel like I blow in and blow out like a hurricane sometimes. Being able to process it makes me more aware of it now.
I don't know if anyone noticed. I'm not sure. I hope so, but if not, I'm sure they will soon. If they say something, that would be lovely, but I don't need it. It's an old issue for me to constantly need reassurance that I'm doing a good job. I don't see myself in a positive light all the time and growing up being told that you can do better, and all the other things that go along with that, as much as I was told that I WAS doing well, it wasn't as much as I was being told that I WASN'T doing well. So that's left a mark on me. I'm trying to not need so much affirmation.
Moving into the second week, I've learned a lot. I have a lot more to learn, but so far, it's been a positive process. I have two group therapy groups that I can join up in May and June and those could be really positive as well. One is about learning how to calm oneself, even in a crowded busy situation, not just at night. The other is about loving my weight. Learning how to deal with food. That one is held by the psychologist I saw and a naturopath. I'm excited to check that one out. I realize that right now, I'm definitely in need of weight loss and exercise. It will come with the routine and changes we've already made. I'm working hard in the gym and loving it. It's my time, I can concentrate on my life at that moment and I'm in a safe place. I know not everyone feels like a gym is a "safe" place, but I do. It's Shevaun's time. That doesn't happen often. I'm fine with it, but I have started to understand just how important time for mommy alone really is. I never appreciated it as much as I have in the past month. Even the showering at the gym is a great thing. No kids, no cats, just me and my thoughts. I can sort, shuffle and reassess things, it helps bring down my anxiety because I don't have to worry about being interrupted during an important thought, only to have it pop up later on during a bad moment when being distracted is bad.
So, let's see what the next week will bring. I up my dose for my medication, I continue to go to the gym and I will be on my own. Now the real test begins.
I'm excited.
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