Epiphanies

Sometimes, we just float through life, going at our pace, whatever it may be, and we think little of what we're doing, how we are affecting those around us or what mark we're leaving.  Then, we take a look back and wonder what we were doing and why we were doing it.  Sometimes, that leaves us with guilt, shame, self loathing, whatever the feeling might be, it's not a good one.  

It's always easy to blame someone else.  It's easy to say, "Well, I'm just THAT way, so whatever."  We justify our actions and what we have done with a "screw the world" attitude, never thinking that perhaps, just maybe, it might be ourselves causing a lot of our own issues.  

That's hard to do.  Nobody wants to admit they were wrong, a part of the problem, and even sometimes, the problem itself.  We blame the other people in our lives, we blame our situation in life, we blame interruptions, kids, pets, cars, trucks, bugs...whatever it might be that can possibly assuage the negative feelings we carry for whatever reason.

I'm guilty of that.  Very guilty of it.  

Communications issues?  It's the other person.  They just can't keep up with me.  At least, that's what I keep saying to myself.

My house is a mess?  Well, of course it is.  Grady is so active.  I can't keep up with him.  Olivia hurts herself a lot and Logan, well I have to be on him all the time when I ask him to do something.  It's not me.  It's them.  The mess will be there tomorrow.  I'll clean it up when it's time to, for a party or something.  But I get frustrated with the mess.  I get annoyed with the fact that nothing goes where I want it to.  But it's not my fault.

The kids homework isn't done.  Logan's having trouble reading and getting his math done.  Olivia was doing so well with her reading, and now she's falling back a bit.  Oh.  Well, that's not my fault.  I ask them to do it.  If they don't do it, it's their fault.  Or, I'm sorry that they didn't read, I forgot.  

School?  I'm just not a classroom person.  Sure!  I'm smart.  Very smart, in fact.  I have no qualms about saying I'm smart.  It's one of the things I truly love about myself.  I pride myself on my intelligence and love of multiple subjects.  I want to learn.  But school?  Phht.  Classrooms suck.  I can do it on my own.  Oh.  No.  I can't.  I can't do it.  I won't even bother.  Why bother?  I'll just fail anyway.

With my communication issue, I am bad sometimes.  I bombard.  I don't discuss.  I debate, I crush your opinion with mine, even if I respect your thoughts, I still have to be the loudest.  I want to discuss a problem, here's what I think, so, move on.  People shut down.  They don't want to discuss things with me because while I CAN hold a good conversation, I tend to overrun it.  I don't mean to, and I know that people want me to shut up sometimes so they can express what they think, but sometimes, I simply cannot stop myself, even if I want to.  Then I come away from the conversation feeling guilty, unhappy and mad at myself.

My house.  My house, my house, my house.  I love my house.  I love the colors, I love the warmth of it, I love the windows (though I would love bigger ones, I make the ones I have work), I love the bedrooms, I love my bed.  I love the breeze that blows through my house every summer, up and down the stairs, between the bedrooms.  I feel safe in my house.  I feel secure and comfortable.  One problem.  It's cluttered.  I have thousands of toys, clothes, books, paper, everything.  And I'm not a hoarder.  I promise.  I can throw things out.  I CAN empathize with hoarders.  I simply see a task, it seems too big and then I just stop.  It's too much.  I can't see the forest through the trees.  I see the end, but I can't figure out where to begin.  I have GREAT ideas for organizing.  Follow through...nadda.

My kids.  Oh my Gosh, I can't tell you how much my world revolves around my children.  They are my world.  I love them more than life itself, and I want everything to be perfect for them.  I realized this September a very important thing.  Their homework is MY homework.  That doesn't mean I do it for them.  It means I help them, I guide them, I tell them when I want them to do it, and I do what I can to make them successful.  Only I failed them this year.  I didn't follow through.  My consistency lacked greatly.  I did SO well at the start of the year.  Had them reading daily, had Logan doing his math, spelling and reading.  I was so happy with myself.  Then, little by little, I started forgetting.  I wasn't able to keep up on the daily homework.  I kept making excuses.  "Well, I'm SO busy"  "I'm too tired"  "I can't keep up on it".  It was like when I was in school myself.  I always started off strong.  Good grades, it was easy for me, handed in assignments, studied, did well on tests.  Then, my resolve failed and I slipped until I was failing.  

And school.  Oh wow.  My biggest nemesis ever.  I always told myself, I'm a learner by doing, not by watching.  I need hands on to learn...I need to do it.  That's not true, and I know it.  I absorb knowledge.  My memory is actually quite good.  I learn certain things by doing, for sure.  At the same time, a book works too.  I was a student that I'm sure baffled my teachers.  I left their classrooms happy, easy going, intelligent, but underachieving.  I knew I was as smart as the other girls in my class, but I could never meet their levels.  Had I done the homework and the studying, I would have, easily, been on honor roll and such, but the focus...it's always back to the focus.  Now, I'm anxious about school.  I'm wondering how, when, where to go back, can I do home study?  I know I'm going to have to do some of it...but will the school help me with my difficulties?  I wonder if a teacher of mine ever reads this and says "AHA!!"  I don't want any of my teachers to ever say "Oh man, I wish I had..." I want them to say "Oh hey!  Maybe THIS is what's going on with so and so!"  I know so many of my teachers remember me.  My grade 1 teacher turned around at my sister in law's graduation when I was in my early 20's and said "I THOUGHT I recognized that voice!"  I'm sure she did.  I never shut up in grade 1.  It seems I leave a lasting impression on people. 

So what do I do now?  Well, I take a breath, think it out and tell myself I can do it.  I can clean my desk, I can ask for help.  Write lists, see what can be done, what should be done and what needs to be done.  I can take my time and not feel bad if I don't finish it in that instant.  I can understand my limitations and explain to others where I stand in my brain at that moment.  And if something becomes cluttered and untidy again, I don't have to kick myself and say "Well why bother now?"  I can just do it again.  

But above all, I can admit I'm a big part of the problem.  Yes...I AM.  It's not a bad thing.  It's eye opening.  I can say to someone, "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to bulldoze you over like that.  I shouldn't have done it and I am trying very hard not to do it again."  This goes not only for my social interactions with friends but also family.

I can admit to myself that my house is a mess because my brain is a bit of a mess.  

The most important thing for me to realize is that this is a work in progress.  None of this will change overnight.  I don't have to take it all on myself, think about it obsessively and then be disappointed when things don't go my way.  I learned that lesson when I became diabetic and it's serving me very well today.  Lasting changes are not something that you fix overnight.  It takes hard work, talking, and in my case, diligently remembering to take my medications.  

I'm feeling good, and that's what matters.  The rest is falling into place.