Here is some big news. I talk... A LOT!
Stop the presses. This is front page news.
No. It's not. Not to the people who know and love me.
I've always talked a lot. Since I was a small child, I was a talker. This was a good and bad thing. Good because I could communicate. Bad because I communicated a wee bit much. As I grew up, it became a joke about how much I talked. People started to tune me out, I started to feel really bad about myself. When I became an adult, I tried. I really did. I tried so hard not to be interuptive, disruptive or distracting. I wasn't always successful.
My school record is littered with comments like "She's smart, but needs to apply herself". "Shevaun is easily distracted and is often daydreaming." "Shevaun is very capable but easily distracted". But no one ever said anything about ADD. I was a nice kid. Usually quiet in class, easy to get along with, never in trouble, except for a few minor incidents, one of which I told on the group of us who committed a small issue with powdered paint, snow and the elementary side of our school. Really small beans. I followed the rules strictly, almost to the point of obsession. I still do. My husband jokes about how I can't even jay walk without feeling guilty.
When I went to University and college, I didn't go because I had a direction but because what else do you do after your graduate high school? You go to post secondary institutions and get an education to make a better life for yourself. Do I have the capability? Oh god yes. Did I reach my full potential? Nope. To say I am a college/university drop out is an understatement. While in university in Alaska, a psychiatrist tried to diagnose me as having ADHD, but hey, I was 19. I knew everything. I pooh poohed his diagnosis, because let's face it. I was in the USA. The doctors there are just drug pushers, right? It's all about the money, not about the patient. So I didn't bother. And I flunked out.
Now...having said that, do I regret it? I don't regret dropping out. I regret wasting my time and money. I do sort of wish I had listened to that doctor. He was obviously on the right track. But again...I wasn't going to take drugs.
Fast forward several years. Here is my life as it stands now:
I'm a stay at home mom to three wonderful children. Logan is my oldest, he's almost 9. This is a smart kid. A considerate and friendly little man. He's a joy. Olivia, my sweet girl is almost 6. She's a wonderful little girl, full of life and light, and a ton of fun to be a mommy to. She's a bit bullheaded and stubborn, but she's sweet, confident and considerate as well. Grady is my youngest. He will be 3 in May. He's a handful. He's smart, funny, and very active. He's extremely stubborn and loud, but he's my little buddy right now. The other two are in school, kindergarten and grade 3, and they love school. They have friends, fun, and do well. Their teachers like them. Grady goes to a playroom when I go to the gym and the caretakers like him so much. He's funny and loves the other kids now.
I'm married to a terrific, supportive, hardworking man. Jeff respects me, loves me and takes care of myself and the kids. I'm blessed with a man who has a terrific sense of humor, intelligent and charming. He challenges me and if it weren't for him and his family, I wouldn't be where I am today.
I'm happy. Overall. But there's always issues.
My house is often a chaotic, disorganized mess. Not to the point of hoarding. No one's going to come to my home and be like "HOLY SHIT! You need help!" They might come to my home and say "What's that weird smell?" You can walk, sit and play in my home. It's not horrible, but it could be better. I'm very scattered. I have great difficulty finishing a task. I have ambitions, like cleaning and organizing my basement, but it's such an enormous job, I just don't bother. I won't finish it anyway.
So. My ADHD. You're probably reading this and going "Wow...sounds just like me!" There's a good chance, you're completely normal. ADHD has far more to it than just a messy house and talking a lot. I have a long history of these things. Disorganization is a big one. That's been my whole life. My bedroom has been a long running joke of my family. When I say I forget something, I'm not kidding or making excuses. I really did just forget. People say "Just don't talk." I don't have that capability. "You're so smart, you should do..." Yeah. Sure. I'll start it, but follow through is a big issue for me. I've started two home businesses. "You're so good with people, you could do this!" Sure...why not? Well, because I won't do anything with it. My good intentions are there, but my focus and drive. Nadda. You know how you could take a boring class and still pass? Nope. Not me. I won't bother, even if I desperately need that class to get my degree. You can probably go to the library and study your books. I can't. Everything is a distraction. Everything is a frustration. Everything is just harder for me. I can try and try and try, but it won't come there. I just get frustrated and quit.
And then the anxiety starts. Chest pain, sweating, heart racing, and then...I eat. It's a big downward spiral, and it's not fun. I have very rational parts of my brain that say "Hey! You can't do that!" The other part says "Screw you, I need this!"
How did I come to finally figure out there was a problem? Well, I've suspected it for a while, but I didn't want people to think that I was a hypochondriac. I am already diabetic, I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder...I take enough medication. Do I really need more? I don't want people to think that I like being sick or want attention. I mean...I DO like attention, but I don't want it because of some other mental thing. But back to where I thought something was up...
My nine year old is smart. Like ridiculously smart. Shocks us with the things he says. He's been doing really well in school. But this year, something changed. Suddenly, I'm getting comments from his teacher about his behaviour in class. Now, remember, this is a good kid. He's not aggressive, he's not mean. He just can't sit still. "he's just a boy." Hmm...Yeah. He's a boy. But other boys in his class don't fidget, move around in his chair, fuss with things he shouldn't. Attention is an issue. His teacher says that you can speak directly to Logan and he's just not there. There are just too many bells ringing for me. I hear things being said that were said about me and I start to wonder...am I missing something? I take him to the pediatrician, tell her my concerns. I go to the appointment thinking "She's just going to say he's a kid. He's fine. I'm overreacting as always." To my surprise, that's not at all what she says. She tells me there are just too many red flags, and has me fill out paperwork to send to the Grey Nuns Hospital. I start answering the questions. As I am answering them, I start to think "Hmm...I can answer yes to A LOT of these for myself".
I go to the school and tell them what's happening. His teacher agrees with the path we're taking. The principal. He's not agreeing at this point. He doesn't feel that Logan will even wind up with a diagnosis. But Logan's like me. A good kid. A smart kid. Never really in trouble, even being disruptive. His opinion starts to change about a week later when Logan's teacher had to send him to the office in order to continue with the class. Logan was just being far too disruptive and had to go somewhere quiet. Suddenly, our principal is understanding what I'm saying.
Here I am, 34 years old, wondering, "Hmm...me? I need to figure this out." I go to my own family physician, who at this point is closing her practice, and I explain my concerns and how I've come to these conclusions. She doesn't disagree. She tells me that she will refer me to a psychiatrist, but not to expect any response for close to nine months. I'm fine with that.
I'm trying to move forward with my life. My life as a stay at home mom has been wonderful and fulfilling, however, Grady will be in school soon. Sooner than I think. They grow up far too quickly. I kept being asked by family and my husband "What are you going to do after Grady is in school full time?" I didn't have an answer.
Now I do, and it excites me more than anything I ever thought of doing:
I'm going to become an LPN. I want to help people. I want to be able to feel confident in myself, feel like I'm doing something and be able to take care of my family, even more effectively than I am now. My husband is a mountain biker and falls a lot. Last summer was stitches and a broken shoulder. My kids are accident prone as well. Cuts, bruises, heads get bashed...the usual. It's an amazing opportunity, and I'm super pumped to do it.
The hurdle? Well, all of the above. The focus, the drive, the capability. I become anxious just thinking of starting classes, and doing it through correspondence? Even more anxiety.
I went to the doctor yesterday. I saw a wonderful psychiatrist and a psychologist at the same time. Both of them came to the conclusion that I am a textbook case of Adult ADHD. My psychiatrist said that the medication he prescribed me will help me greatly. I'm confident that he knows what he is talking about. His speciality? Adult ADHD. He's diagnosed me Concerta. He also recommended me three groups that his practice that could be very helpful for me.
I bet you're wondering how I feel about this. I mean, I already have an anxiety disorder I take medication for. I already have diabetes which I take three prescriptions for. I have stomach issues that I take a medication for. How could I possibly feel good about this? This is a big diagnosis.
I feel great. I feel almost vindicated. I feel like this will help people to understand me better. I feel confident and like a whole new world has opened up. Knowing this will help me in school because I can ask for help. Do I like that I have so many prescriptions at my age? No. Not really. But here's the deal. My psychiatrist said that there is so much research going on with ADHD and that they are finding a link between obesity and ADHD. At 251 lbs, I'm definitely obese. And that hurts my self esteem and holds me back. The fact of the matter is, this diagnosis could help me in so many ways. If I can learn to focus and learn to deal with outside things, I can move forward. I can help my overall health. I could lose the weight finally. I will remember to take my diabetes medication that helps my liver work properly and helps protect my kidneys and heart. I figure, these are pretty important parts of my system and my not taking my medication hurts me. I KNOW this, but I can't always remember to take them. It takes a lot for me to remember it. If I can lose the weight, by going to the gym, eating less and taking my medications, I can almost reverse the diabetes AND get off the medications. So, that's three meds down. The stomach issues will get better because I won't be anxious all the time. My stomach won't bother me and that's another med down. I'm left with two. And they will probably be permanent and important to help me mentally move forward and avoid going back to where I am. These meds will help me keep my impulses under control. I won't binge eat anymore. I won't feel guilty all the time, I won't feel like a failure. I will still be me, but a better, happier, healthier me.
I feel it's important to share this. I don't know. Maybe another mom out there, feeling like I do, will read this and say "Hmm...I wonder..." and help herself. Or perhaps someone will read this and say "I have this friend/family member..."
Here's what I have to say to you: If you know someone who is struggling like I am, be honest, but be nice about it. Don't make fun of them. That doesn't help. It just makes them feel bad about what's going on in their brains. They don't always understand what's going on. They may be upset for a while, but sometimes it takes someone saying "I wonder if you ever thought...." I've spent my life as a running joke. It hasn't been easy for me, for sure. I don't hate anyone for it. I don't resent anyone, I realize that at the time, this wasn't something someone would consider for girls. It's most often girls who have ADHD and are misdiagnosed or ignored. We simply don't act the same as boys. I understand I'm tough to be around sometimes, especially when I'm excited and can't contain myself. What it does it make me question me. Makes me feel unworthy and like no one wants to be around me. But again, I understand...it doesn't help always to understand. I'm very aware of what I'm doing, but I simply cannot shut it off all the time. I really do try.
We've heard in the media how "over diagnosed" ADHD is. I'm not denying that we do tend to throw medication at a person based on their "symptoms". I have lived like this for far too long and checked out what ADHD is to feel like I've been misdiagnosed. I'm sure of what I am, and accepting of it. With my son, I will oversee his assessments and treatments diligently. I'm not going to just let them throw medication at him. Of course I won't. But I won't deny that he is in need of treatments, and if medication is part of it to help calm him and meet his full potential, that's the deal. I don't want him to go through school with the anxiety, low self esteem and sadness I dealt with growing up. He's a good kid and deserves all that we can provide for him.
I will post some links to ADHD support groups and information on my blog soon. I want everyone to understand this is not a terrible thing. There are many more medications on the market for people and it's not something that we as people with a learning disability (that's hard to admit...wow) need to feel bad about. We should embrace our diagnosis, know that we can move forward with it. I will be the best example my son can have. I will be able to help him with strategies and such that will help keep him moving forward and his confidence up. I won't let him hide behind a learning disability, but to use it for the good it can be.
****If you managed to read until the end of this, thank you. I told you at the start, I talk a lot. ****
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