Setbacks

I didn't want to post yesterday, because I was afraid of how negative it would come across.

I knew that there were going to be setbacks.  I knew I'd have bad days.  What I didn't know was how I'd handle them. 

Until yesterday.  Now I know.  And I have to learn to cope with them.  

So my major feeling of the day yesterday?  Guilt.  

Guilt that I hadn't been to the gym since Thursday, guilt that I hadn't been eating properly, guilt that I was cranky and irritable, guilt that I yelled what I felt was "too much", guilt that I felt negative.  

Okay.  So why did I feel that guilt?  Because that's an overriding feeling I go to frequently.  Even if I don't deserve to feel that way.  

The past few days have been rough.  The last time I went to the gym was Thursday, when I was still sick.  I was so proud of myself, but by Friday, I was exhausted and the congestion, even with the Dristan, got so bad, I needed to stay home for a day.  Saturday, I wanted to go to the gym in the morning, but still felt SO congested and I'd been up several times in the night.  I slept in a bit later, then took the kids to their swim lessons, but I went far too early.  Wound up dealing with a cranky toddler, while he waited for 45 minutes to get into the water.  By the time we got into the water, he was unhappy, tired and cranky and screamed throughout the lesson.  He didn't do that with daddy.  

Thankfully, I have wonderful friends.  I have a great babysitter the kids love, and I got her to babysit for the evening.  I went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and had a great conversation with Heather and Sarah.  It was lovely.  I haven't seen them in so long and we got to catch up.  Then we saw a really great movie, enjoyed the quiet story with characters that were awesome to watch.  I drove Sarah home and was able to talk to her about movies, shows and books.  She always makes me feel so happy.  She's so smart and we can talk about anything.  I just wish we saw each other more!

Sunday, I was tired, because of the late night and cold, plus because of his cold, Grady was tired, so after the sitter left (she slept over.  Good thing too...I didn't get home til 1am!) Grady and I went for an afternoon nap, which I needed.  We walked to the mall, in the little sunshine there was, but the wind was cool.  We hit up the park near our house, but we didn't get to stay long.  It got cold fast!  I watched my favorite show, went to bed and passed out until my alarm went off, and I woke up to wind, snow and rain.  Ugh.  

Yesterday was just rough.  Four days away from the gym, ugly, ugly weather along with a sick toddler, and I was edgy.  I've been sick for over a week now, with just a cold.  If I sit around too much, I feel worse than I did before.  I decided we'd hit up Walmart to stock up on fruit, veggies and school snacks.  I put out very specific and strong rules for each kid, and the trip went relatively well.  

Today...what a difference.  I woke up feeling apathetic, tired and cranky.  It was windy, snowing and grey.  Ugh.  Another crappy weather day.  But I managed to get through it, got the kids to school, packed up Grady and went to the gym.  Wow!  I'm telling you!!!  Even after a light cardio workout, just treadmill, a little bike and then a glider, I feel so much better.  I really need the time to myself.  I never fully understood how important it was to me!  

I had to double my meds today again too.  They've left me a bit jittery today.  Kind of feels like I've had four cups of coffee.  I know it will go away though.  No worries on my part that way.  

Basically, now that I have the clarity of mind to look at what I might be missing in a negative period of time, it makes it easier to determine what I need to do for me.  The kids don't need me as much as they did, and while that can be a bit heartbreaking, it's freeing as well.  I know that as long as their needs are met, my husband's needs are met and the basics are pretty much covered, I can focus on myself, even if it means I don't do ALL the laundry that day.  I can take things a bit slower, and I don't feel as much guilt as before.  I recognize quiet time;  my brain isn't as active.  I'm remembering things.  

When I'm down, I know what to expect and I know that I can fix it.  And that feels super good!!!